DH and I have been told we aren’t doing enough - AWBU?

[NaviSprite]

Name changed as could be outing.

DH and I have twin toddlers at 19mo. They are a handful and a half to manage but we do our best. General day goes as follows:

8am Twins wake - we change nappies and clothes, give them water to drink and morning snack then let them play in their room together (room is secure with little to no risk of injuries)

9.30am Proper breakfast downstairs in high chairs. I either eat with them or read to them during this period.

10-11am play downstairs, a bit of Hey Duggee on the television if I’m feeling particularly knackered. Nappy changes and and when required for the rest of the day.

11am-3pm Bottles (for nutritional supplement). Then they take their one long nap of the day (they are still low weight following premature birth so sleep a heck of a lot. HV doesn’t think this is a concern). I use this time to do what housework I can during the week and DH chips in at the weekends. Usually I manage the most important jobs (clothes washing/drying, pots, sweeping and mopping floors, general cleaning of the areas they like to make as messy as possible haha)

3pm They wake. I take them another drink of water and snack in their room and get their dinner ready. If DH is home he will play with them in their room, if I’m alone I will alternate between sorting dinner and playing in their room.

4pm Dinner served. We eat together.

5pm - 7pm they play downstairs roaming about with toys on offer for them to choose from. Might have a bit of Tele on in the background. Water/Juice available as and when needed.

7pm Light snack

8pm Upstairs for bedtime routine. Asleep by 8.30/9pm and sleep through (generally) until morning.

Now here comes our AWBU - the above is our standard day at home. Things change a bit if the weather is nice and we can take them out of course (that’s like a military operation in of itself most times 😂). Today my PIL (DH’s parents of course) have visited and decided to tell us that we have no excuse for wires being in places DD and DS might grab them (we tidy them away as best we can and never leave them in the living room unattended) that the house is not as clean as it ought to be and we don’t do enough for the Twins to stimulate/exercise them.

When PIL visit the twins normal routine is often at the point where they’re winding down for the morning and due to go for their nap so they don’t SEE what we do for the rest of the day, nor do they think to ask. They just came straight down with their judgment of the situation.

To make matters worse, DH and I are currently grieving the loss of our third child, our second son, who was stillborn on the 25th of April this year. We are just about keeping our heads above water.

We have a lot of ongoing financial difficulties that we are just about managing but this adds stress too. Sometimes I have to leave the twins in their room a little longer than I would like so I can make some much needed phone calls and such....

It just feels like we’ve been told today that regardless of our “excuses” we need to do better... and we’re extremely upset by this. MIL cried when we defended our position because she didn’t think we’d react badly (we didn’t get aggressive we just didn’t appreciate their decision to say all this now!) and basically it’s left us feeling that we’re never good enough.

My mum and dad visit more regularly and they’ve never felt the need to judge our house and when I’m apologising for the mess (toys everywhere, pots not yet washed sometimes, or before I’ve been able to sweep up after a meal where half the contents were dropped on the floor etc.) they laugh and say don’t worry about it, it shows we have two very normal toddlers...

I guess I just want to know were we being unreasonable to be defensive as PIL said they only mentioned these things with their DC’s best interests at heart... or were they being unreasonable in their expectations of us?

Sorry for the long post - just feeling utterly exhausted at the moment and I fight my “mum guilt” a lot for already feeling like I should be able to do more for my lovely twins - so this has knocked my confidence and then some.

I'm not going to criticise you my family tried the you need to dust more often shtick with me I handed over the duster each and every time they say nothing now (and I only had one by myself with two cats)

So yeah dont put up with that attitude if you can do more then do more if you cant dont!

The only thing I find slightly out of place is that they don't have breakfast until 1.5 hours after waking. It's great they're sleeping until 8, but then breakfast at 9.30 seems very long to wait for me.

People are commenting a lot on the time that you spend in the children's room with them. For most of my twins lives, they've spent by far most of their time in the living room. It's child proofed, that's where most of their toys and books are, TV is in there. For you the most convenient room is their bedroom. There's nothing wrong with them playing in their room.

I am so sorry for your loss, I haven't been in your exact circumstances but have been in similar.
I had bad post natal after having my DD and my in laws decided to come round and tell us the same thing, that the standard of the house wasn't good enough, some days it was a massive battle for me just to get out of bed, I completely broke down and walked out, got in my car and drove off. If I had had any money or anywhere else to go, I'm not sure I would have gone home, but I parked up somewhere sobbed, got myself together and went home. I got myself counselling after that and my MIL went very sheepish when she found out I was having counselling for PND.

As long as you twins are happy, healthy, fed and loved, you are doing a fantastic job. You even fit in a bit of reading time with them. You sound amazing to me and your PIL sound like arse holes, how dare she cry when you stuck up for yourselves? Who in the world thinks that barley over a month after loosing a precious little one is the time to tackle a conversation like that and in that way? If they were so concerned they should have said are you ok, do you need us to do anything to help, have the twins for a few hours or tidy up after so you can have a nap? Anything like that not you aren't doing enough.
Tell them to do one.

You. Do. Not. Need. Judging.

dishing out done
I guess while I have nothing but sympathy for the OP's situation, she was ultimately asking if her twins routine is ok. While it may be very hard for her to hear, i ultimately think the only honest answer is that it is not great for two one year olds to be spending hours alone in their bedroom.
OP, I understand that it must be so hard for you to cope with them, but i agree with other posters suggesting reaching out to home start or playgroups or family(even PIL) to come and help with the children to give you a break during this period.

They are being prats. If they are that bothered they should help more rather than giving you a hard time.

It is clear from your post that you try hard to stimulate them. If you feel that you should do more then spend less time housework/cooking.The housework doesn't really matter as long as it is reasonable. Perhaps look into things like tumble tots or whatever you have in your area if you can afford it? I found that quite an easy way to provide stimulation without having to do much myself.

My third child was stillborn, I'm so sorry that you have been through this too, OP. Less than 2 months after the sudden loss or our beloved daughter, I felt that I was doing amazingly well if I just didn't dissolve into a useless pile of mush on the floor- leaving the house or cooking food felt like a huge win. It was 12 years ago now, but thinking about that time still makes me cry. OP, the fact that you are functioning on any level at all is amazing. Taking care of twins is hard and you are managing in very difficult circumstances. The guilt is normal and natural, but wrong. You didn't cause your baby's death and you aren't mistreating your twins. Your PILs are fuckers, absolute fuckers.

I was surprised at the people who were kind and supportive and also sadly shocked by those who were cruel because my loss made them feel uncomfortable. My honest advice is to tell the PIL to fuck right off. (If you later regret it, you can say it was the grief talking, but I bet you don't) If they think that your house is dirty they should be helping you to clean it. If they have time to visit then they have time to help and putting a few toys away takes less time than berating a grieving mother. You probably do need extra help right now because you are recovering from both a birth and a death, either one of which is enough to break most people on its own, but they are some of the people who should be helping you.

Sorry for your loss OP but I agree with pp that your dc do seem to spend a lot of time alone in their room and surely dc that already have developmental delay would be better off spending more time with you and your dh and if that means that the cleaning has to take a back seat so be it . I’d ignore the PIL issue but concentrate on getting the lounge / kitchen more child friendly so that they can benefit from more interaction with yourself .

Winifred, the OP has clarified that they are not usually playing alone in their room, but that either she or DH are in there with them. It’s just a safe space for them to play so she can’t pop to prepare food or do another quick job before she joins them again. Isn’t that how most parents do things?

OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have 3.5 year old twins and I think people really underestimate how exhausting it can be to get two small, non-walking children out of the house. It potentially involves multiple trips up and down stairs, to the car, setting up a big pushchair and ensuring you have about a thousand things. We have always gone out most days because I go a little stir crazy otherwise, but I know a lot of mums with twins find it easier to just stay on familiar ground. Plus, you’ve recently suffered a terrible loss. For now, just do what works for your family. In a few months, if they’re walking, it will be easier to get out to the park and you’ll probably have more energy. But be kind to yourself and find your own way.

I'm so sorry for your loss op, you have clearly been, and are still going through, a terribly tough time.

I know you mention financial worries, but as a future plan, I woild perhaps start looking on ebay for little puddle suits and waterproof booties. Lots of people sell outgrown puddlesuits, and I remember buying booties and waterproof mittens as well for a few pounds for ds. This might allow you to get into your garden more often - ok, maybe not in howling gales, but on damp days at least! I am a great believer in outdoors time being good for everyone.

Perhaps have this in this back of your mind as a 'I'll have a little look when I feel like it' thing - I think it might do you all some good.

Also, if your twins are delayed, are you getting any support from Portage? Perhaps ask your HV if not, they offer play therapy in your home and are great. Your dc get some interaction, you can rest and watch and it gives you good ideas for things to do yourself. Perhaps another one to have in the back of your mind for when you're ready.

PIL sound difficult and I am very sorry for your sad loss.

I do think perhaps if they went to bed earlier, they'd nap less. They're up very late IMO. But you do whatever suits you.

You are doing an incredible job. Do not let anyone undermine you.
Stop inviting them over until they are capable of being kind and supportive.

@winifredgoose I was just giving a basic outline of their routine as best I could without the sporadic bits thrown in (such as going out of the house, does happen more often than not but at varying times in the day so not easy to put into a schedule IYSWIM) and as I have since expanded upon they are not left alone in their room. It is the best room at the moment (which we will endeavour to change when we can) where I can safely leave them to start breakfast/dinner off and when the ovens on and the timer set I go back to them and play when possible and then bring them downstairs when their food is ready. I only step out of their bedroom to make a phone call or two in the afternoon on occasion with regards to our financial situation. They’re not left to entertain themselves for 2.5 hours each day otherwise their room would have been destroyed by now! It’s just the best room with the space and toys etc set out and safe for when I need to pop out of the room.

I reached out to home start when my twins came home from hospital, they didn’t help much except to suggest we go out to groups, which we did do and aim to start doing again when I feel ready.

PIL are often busy with work so can’t help when I need it. My parents help as much as they can as often as they can too. The twins Health Visitor, Paediatrician and our Grief Counsellor have no concerns with how we’re handling things at the moment. Neither do my parents. Just PIL.

@Nanoocov They don’t go the hour and a half without food. They get a healthy snack first thing and water to drink whilst breakfast is cooking. This was suggested by HV and Grief Counsellor when I explained to them mornings are the hardest period for me at the moment.

Playgroups will be helpful when I feel ready to socialise with people more but at the moment I can’t face explaining to them what happened.

@LittleFairywren Thank you! We don’t have any twins in the groups where we live and I don’t know anybody else IRL who has had twins so I don’t often know if I’m crap or not, your comment helped me realise we just have to muddle on and do what we can when we can!

@Deadposhtory I am actually British and so is DH. Different backgrounds though and that plays a massive part. I come from a massive family (5 siblings in total) working class (and proud) so growing up our house was constantly messy and a madhouse - DH comes from an upper middle class background was an only child and his Mum was and is a neat freak. Who has advised poorly on how we should raise the twins a number of times (she believes in let them cry it out, don’t pander to them etc. and has expressed this since they were only 4 months old).

So sorry that you lost a full term baby. You don’t get over that in two months, you don’t get over it in a life time. My sister died at ten days, never came home. My mum never got over it and although I was only three I still cry about it.

A pity they couldn’t roll up their sleeves and help. Do they ever have the twins over at their house? Perhaps a dose of twins for a few hours would put life into perspective.

As for the wires Lakeland plastics make something to enclose them or you could just teach them not to touch😬

I would arrange any future meetings out so they can’t criticise and I would give it at least six weeks. Their standards are not necessarily yours. They don’t have to be. Your home, your choice. They were very rude.

It would be horrendously claustrophobic to me to be honest.

Chores are never a big priority of mine, I've always done pretty much everything (apart from laundry and diner obviously) by 9am and off for the day when I am home.
I really would not judge anyone who has better things to do than having a show room.

But do you only ever go out when it's sunny? I would go crazy with 2 young kids. What about playgroups in the morning (they are cheap), going for a long walk with them in the pram, even a garden centre is more interesting than doing nothing. What about at least a nice walk with a coffee whilst they are having their afternoon nap, and you can sit somewhere reading a book if you need shelter or just sit and chill?

you have twins - about 4 times the work of a single - how do I know? as a childminder I looked after identical twins for about 18 months from a little younger than your 2 - I use to reckon there dm (& she was lovely :) ) went out for a few hours work to get respite (I cant think she earned much after paying me to be honest - & I said as much - with a smile - to her) I was under the allusion that twins would play together quite happily - unlike other siblings! - I very quickly realized that that was not true. Sometimes they did sometimes they didn't like any other sibs! Twins (even identicals grandma fyi!) don't necessarily develop identically, things like potty training may occur at different times, & they may not sleep or be tired at the same time or they can both be tired & ratty together! They often speak later than singles - the best thing you can do as a mum is what you are doing -forget immaculate houses - you can do that later (like when they have left home for Uni :) ) as long as you clean the house when it needs it don't worry about - what you haven't done - think about what you have - 2 happy dc & a happy healthy family. your pil have never had twins - 2 babies or toddlers at the same time is far harder than people understand MIL is a selfish manipulative ignorant so & so

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you

Secondly your PIL are selfish people, they need to stop judging and start supporting.

Thirdly you've nothing wrong in your routine.

Oh OP!! This has made me so sad and cross!! You’re doing so well, you’re not even 2 months post partum, your body isn’t even properly healed from your delivery, and your mind must be all over the place grief.

All the messages of support from previous posters will help you, I hope, to feel that you’re doing brilliantly, and that your MIL could be doing more to lift you up and support you and not criticise. Take heart. You’re doing so well. X

Your PILS sound like a pair of dicks.

You're grieving, you have two small children to look after and the worry of financial stress. It's not even been two months! You are doing so well. Don't listen to a word they say. It was completely out of order for them to think it was ok to say that to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, you are doing great. You really are.

I'm sorry for your loss OP but I just find it really weird that they are in their room on their own for so much of the day. I don't know why you would leave your toddlers in a room, alone, for 5 hours in the middle of the day? Or how you would get away with it TBH mine wouldn't stay in their for 5 minutes never mind 5 hours! But as I read it they are asleep for 4 of these hours?

I think your in laws are cheeky fuckers for telling you your house isn't clean enough but my guess is they are concerned you aren't coping after your loss.

YADNBU

Honestly, people have no idea. How massively rude of your PIL.

I have twins and when they were toddlers we were barely keeping our heads above water that time is so hard. And we were not grieving for another baby that must be so hard.

I did, however, feel enormously judged by everyone and, though it pains me to admit it, I was judgemental and resentful of people whose lives seemed so much easier.

Nobody understood how hard it was and nobody realised how isolated we were. People were full of 'well couldn't you just...' or 'why don't you just ....'.

Er. No. I couldn't. Maybe if you fucking helped instead of told me I could be doing better

But I realise much of that was me being overwhelmed and other people not being able to comprehend what I was going through. It's annoying but not necessarily malicious. Huge love and support to you OP and wishing love and strength to your family.

@MondelaFrontera It’s not just when sunny, just when the weather isn’t absolutely terrible as DD is prone to chest infections following bronchiolitis and a collapsed lung at 3 months old that lead to her being on oxygen until a few months ago so the HV, GP and Paediatrician advised against taking her out in extremely cold or rainy weather until 2 years old when she’s due her next assessment 😊 it does get claustrophobic at times and sadly they will no longer nap in their pram, they just get increasingly grumpy and shouty with me.

I think what I would like a lot of people to consider and I should have included in my OP, is this isn’t how we’ve always done things, it’s recent due to when I was heavily pregnant with my second son for my health and his, then we lost him and we want to get back to being active but we need time to get there. It’s not like I want them in their room away from me constantly but the birth has left me physically battered and the loss has left me mentally and emotionally exhausted. I appreciate the kindness and suggestions. But I realise my poor communication at the beginning of this post has lead people to ask if the twins are being left alone, without food from when they wake up to 9.30, about going outside a lot and I feel because I missed some (admittedly key) information and haven’t explained what my physical state is PP may think I’m wilfully neglecting my twins in some way. I’m not, I adore them, and I appreciate how lucky I am to have them now more than ever before, my PIL know everything that I have posted on this thread and more about our circumstances. But came here today to judge us outright when we only buried our third child two weeks ago and all were asking is that they understand it’s going to take some time for us to get back to things as they were with the twins, because we had planned and set up everything for our second little boy to join us and he never will.

Your dh should have your back. How you parent is your business. As long as you are not neglectful in anyway and I doubt very much you are