DH and I have been told we aren’t doing enough - AWBU?

[NaviSprite]

Name changed as could be outing.

DH and I have twin toddlers at 19mo. They are a handful and a half to manage but we do our best. General day goes as follows:

8am Twins wake - we change nappies and clothes, give them water to drink and morning snack then let them play in their room together (room is secure with little to no risk of injuries)

9.30am Proper breakfast downstairs in high chairs. I either eat with them or read to them during this period.

10-11am play downstairs, a bit of Hey Duggee on the television if I’m feeling particularly knackered. Nappy changes and and when required for the rest of the day.

11am-3pm Bottles (for nutritional supplement). Then they take their one long nap of the day (they are still low weight following premature birth so sleep a heck of a lot. HV doesn’t think this is a concern). I use this time to do what housework I can during the week and DH chips in at the weekends. Usually I manage the most important jobs (clothes washing/drying, pots, sweeping and mopping floors, general cleaning of the areas they like to make as messy as possible haha)

3pm They wake. I take them another drink of water and snack in their room and get their dinner ready. If DH is home he will play with them in their room, if I’m alone I will alternate between sorting dinner and playing in their room.

4pm Dinner served. We eat together.

5pm - 7pm they play downstairs roaming about with toys on offer for them to choose from. Might have a bit of Tele on in the background. Water/Juice available as and when needed.

7pm Light snack

8pm Upstairs for bedtime routine. Asleep by 8.30/9pm and sleep through (generally) until morning.

Now here comes our AWBU - the above is our standard day at home. Things change a bit if the weather is nice and we can take them out of course (that’s like a military operation in of itself most times 😂). Today my PIL (DH’s parents of course) have visited and decided to tell us that we have no excuse for wires being in places DD and DS might grab them (we tidy them away as best we can and never leave them in the living room unattended) that the house is not as clean as it ought to be and we don’t do enough for the Twins to stimulate/exercise them.

When PIL visit the twins normal routine is often at the point where they’re winding down for the morning and due to go for their nap so they don’t SEE what we do for the rest of the day, nor do they think to ask. They just came straight down with their judgment of the situation.

To make matters worse, DH and I are currently grieving the loss of our third child, our second son, who was stillborn on the 25th of April this year. We are just about keeping our heads above water.

We have a lot of ongoing financial difficulties that we are just about managing but this adds stress too. Sometimes I have to leave the twins in their room a little longer than I would like so I can make some much needed phone calls and such....

It just feels like we’ve been told today that regardless of our “excuses” we need to do better... and we’re extremely upset by this. MIL cried when we defended our position because she didn’t think we’d react badly (we didn’t get aggressive we just didn’t appreciate their decision to say all this now!) and basically it’s left us feeling that we’re never good enough.

My mum and dad visit more regularly and they’ve never felt the need to judge our house and when I’m apologising for the mess (toys everywhere, pots not yet washed sometimes, or before I’ve been able to sweep up after a meal where half the contents were dropped on the floor etc.) they laugh and say don’t worry about it, it shows we have two very normal toddlers...

I guess I just want to know were we being unreasonable to be defensive as PIL said they only mentioned these things with their DC’s best interests at heart... or were they being unreasonable in their expectations of us?

Sorry for the long post - just feeling utterly exhausted at the moment and I fight my “mum guilt” a lot for already feeling like I should be able to do more for my lovely twins - so this has knocked my confidence and then some.

They sound like truly awful people. For the sake of your and DH's mental health it sounds like it would be better not to see them for a while.

If they are so lacking in empathy that they would say something like that, and then cry when you get upset because 'they didn't expect you to react badly' then they are not normal, quite frankly.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your little boy. I think they were very wrong to comment anyway, but commenting when you are going through such a tough time is completely insensitive.

I have toddlers and it’s hard to do everything. It’s impossible to have a spotless house and spend time with your children, I’d have to spend my entire time cleaning to keep on top of things, as it happens I like spending time with our children and not so much cleaning. By the sounds of it you strike a balance doing your best. They should keep their mouths shut and you should invite them around a lot less. I don’t ever invite my in laws over, I would need to spend a month scrubbing our house for it to be mother in law ready, I don’t have the time for the cleaning or her judgement!

I’m so very sorry for your loss 💐

My DTs are 16 months, and tbh, your day sounds pretty much the same as ours. I do sometimes think I should be doing more, and have also been told similar by well meaning parents, but I just smile and nod, then disregard it, because they don’t have twins! Of course I’d like to get out and about more, but frankly just keeping us fed and the house going, a little bit of work and getting some sleep is pretty much all I can handle right now 🤷‍♀️

We have some lose old telephone cables on the skirting board that the kids can get to - I’ve stuck a couple of giant teddy bears over them so the kids no longer play with them and play with the bear instead. Well, they kind of body slam them, but I class that as playing 😂

Hang on in there, you’re doing great 🌟

@NaviSprite

Theres not much advice I can give you though. I don't think its callous to point it out. Apart from don't put them in their room to play alone as much, what advice can I give?

Your doing great - distance from them that's a really horrible thing to do they obviously don't like you very much.

huh? Take advantage of them...say Oh I know we'd be so grateful for your help - can you take them both out tomorrow so I can stay here and catch up shopping/cleaning/washing ?

Navi. Makes total sense. And sounds very like me. I started creeping back into the outside world via visits from my close friends and family (and excluded the judgy fuckers very quickly. My brothers were brilliant supports for this), then went to things where DS and I could keep ourselves to ourselves, then gradually went to quiet social things like the library. Over time I naturally found my way into a social group but I didn’t force the pace because I didn’t have the emotional strength. I also had times where, if we had done something big and brave the day before, I struggled to get out of my pyjamas the following day. My parents and brothers just told me it was fine and to keep going.

DS is a cool 16 year old now and he is surrounded by people who love and care for him. Bit of tough love sometimes, but adults who are always constructive and positive. We had a bloody awful start together but it did help me weed out negative influences and I think he is better for it. You are much stronger than you think you are, you really are.

OP I’m so sorry for your loss

Your PILs sound absolutely horrible, how dare they suggest that “you should be back to normal by now” after your very recent loss?! That is completely unforgivable.

I wouldn’t hold your DH (he sounds wonderful by the way!) back on going nuclear on them, they need to know exactly how hateful their behaviour has been.

It sounds like the PIL might have a point (why is downstairs not child friendly?) but to voice it at this point is horrifically insensitive.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I wonder if maybe you could have one of those volunteer parent support people who come to visit and help you manage, and be a shoulder? Maybe they could even help you to get downstairs suitable for your kiddies? Your health visitor might put you in touch with someone

So so sorry for your loss

You’ve just moved house and are trying to get it sorted and still in the raw grieving process so things aren’t going to be “normal” whatever that is.

I didn’t have twins but first two were 18 months apart and we moved into a completely new area where I knew no one. What kept me sane was getting out every single day, toddler groups 3 times a week, baby gym or dance classes and Monday morning was a walk round the supermarket and a coffee in the cafe. So I got up, got breakfast ready, tidied up, got babies ready and went out, came in had lunch then put them down for a nap. They were tired enough then. I met fellow mums who I call close friends now but just getting out saved my sanity.

Baby gate across kitchen door and bottom stairs, baby proofed living room and they played in there.

Your doing great OP

OP I am so sorry for your loss. You sound heroic.

Your in laws are ridiculous and need to be in low contact for a while. Keep going. It will get easier.

Here's a link to the volunteer side. Someone like you who is dealing with bereavement and small twins is the sort of person they can support. It might just help to have a non-judgemental person help you through this time.

www.home-start.org.uk/why-volunteer

I think it's worth sending a stiff, polite note to your inlaws saying, 'We are feeling very judged and upset by your comments the other day and would like to take a few weeks out from seeing you at this difficult time in our lives. We're free on X date (in mid - late July) to go for a pub lunch when perhaps your unkindness will feel less raw.'

If they don't behave themselves on that occasion then take time out again.

But I will say this - you really can't accept help from them if they're going to be like this. And if you do, you maybe have to accept that they'll be watching and judging you.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy. xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
I have a toddler and it’s hard work. I clean and tidy up a lot and still my home looks like it’s been ransacked. Can’t imagine how it’d look with twins.
Your PILs were wrong to make comments about your home, I wouldn’t react well.
The only thing I can perhaps see from your PILs point of view is the stimulation part. Your children obviously have one another and toys etc, but it does do them good to get out and about where possible. But, if I had twins I’m not sure I’d be getting out every day either!! And if I was grieving the loss of a baby I would also find this difficult (I’m just playing devils advocate really)
Do your PILs offer any kind of practical support with this? I mean if they have their DGC’s best interest at heart then I’d expect they might.

I can’t imagine what you must be going through.i am so sorry for your loss.
For a limited time while you are grieving in the early days,I can definitely understand how your routines became so limited.
But honestly I do think ,the children need more than this.they need regular playgroups ,and trips out.
Could you possibly look at a childminder to give you a break and your children some fun?
The children must get very board in their rooms in a morning till 9.30 when you get them up.
Why not try changing things ,and bringing them straight down for breakfast ,and a play ,when they wake up.
Then out to a playground/toddler group. /swimming etc.
I’m not criticising as I know you have been through hell.
But now might be a good time to make a few changes .
Good luck 💐

By the way, plenty of us don't fully baby proof our houses and just keep an eye instead. Some things like making sure they can't fall downstairs or touch a fire are necessary, but unless they are actually chewing through them, having visible 'cables' isn't exactly a drama.

I don't think what your parents in law did was helpful.
Things must be really hard for you and you are managing to cope with two toddlers. They could have offered to take them out regularly if they were so worried, or to come and play with them.
If your circumstances were not so difficult, I do think it's unusual for 1 year olds to spend time playing in their room upstairs alone. For example in the morning they must be in their room for over an hour before breakfast? This sounds too long.
I hate to criticize you, but that is my honest opinion.

Drogosnextwife asks "apart from don't put them in their room to play alone as much, what advice can I give?"

Well, how about none? You have nothing helpful to say and not a jot of kindness or concern for the OP, so I suggest least said soonest mended.

Awful people. At least yoir dh dealt with them. Your at home routine is fine. Sorry for your loss.

Oh and here's another one hot on the tail - Winifredgoose has these kind words for the OP I hate to criticize you, but that is my honest opinion and then flowers emoji. If you hate to criticise, then why do it? And putting flowers at the end doesn't justify what you've done.

But I am sure you were only saying, bit like the MiL who was spiteful and then cried when she was called out on it

OP I’m sorry it sounds like you’ve had such a hard time, but I have to agree that to me it sounds like your twins are spending too much time in their room? It seems like on a typical day they’re only downstairs 4 or 5 hours- the rest of the time they’re sleeping or in their room, some of it alone?

I know it must be so hard but I would urge you to find a way to have them downstairs with you- you don’t need to babyproof every inch of the house- I didn’t at all, beyond moving toxic cleaning products etc. - I just kept an eye out.

I know it’s hard- I’m a LP and it’s exhausting trying to juggle the day to day admin and the childcare, and I can’t imagine doing that plus your grief- but that’s my honest opinion, and kindly meant.

I would let DH at them, op.

And I wouldn't be seeing them for a very long time. It sounds like they don't help you at all and just criticise so no big loss.

So sorry for your loss OP. I have had a terrible year personally and I know how it is to somehow sink into grief and lose yourself a bit in it.
Your PILs don't sound terribly helpful or supportive. I'm sure my MIL has judged the state of my home/life during my recent lows but if so she has done so silently while rolling up her sleeves to help me however she could.
This said I do think it sounds a bit odd, why are the twins playing on their own in their room for over an hour first thing? At 19m sorry I just wouldn't do that, I think toddlers need a closer level of adult interaction & stimulation in terms of learning language and social behaviour. Could they come in your room and play instead so you can chat to them while they play? They are in their room a lot. Perhaps while you are cooking or doing jobs in the kitchen they could be in high chairs doing drawing or play do or stickers etc, again so you can talk with them?
If it's this social interaction etc with them that you are really struggling with in your grief, can you chat to your GP and find out if there's any support available eg counselling. Alternatively maybe a couple of sessions a week with a childminder, playgroup or nursery might help you all if that's financially possible.

Hugs.

Op are you non English? I am and sounds v familiar