DH and I have been told we aren’t doing enough - AWBU?

[NaviSprite]

Name changed as could be outing.

DH and I have twin toddlers at 19mo. They are a handful and a half to manage but we do our best. General day goes as follows:

8am Twins wake - we change nappies and clothes, give them water to drink and morning snack then let them play in their room together (room is secure with little to no risk of injuries)

9.30am Proper breakfast downstairs in high chairs. I either eat with them or read to them during this period.

10-11am play downstairs, a bit of Hey Duggee on the television if I’m feeling particularly knackered. Nappy changes and and when required for the rest of the day.

11am-3pm Bottles (for nutritional supplement). Then they take their one long nap of the day (they are still low weight following premature birth so sleep a heck of a lot. HV doesn’t think this is a concern). I use this time to do what housework I can during the week and DH chips in at the weekends. Usually I manage the most important jobs (clothes washing/drying, pots, sweeping and mopping floors, general cleaning of the areas they like to make as messy as possible haha)

3pm They wake. I take them another drink of water and snack in their room and get their dinner ready. If DH is home he will play with them in their room, if I’m alone I will alternate between sorting dinner and playing in their room.

4pm Dinner served. We eat together.

5pm - 7pm they play downstairs roaming about with toys on offer for them to choose from. Might have a bit of Tele on in the background. Water/Juice available as and when needed.

7pm Light snack

8pm Upstairs for bedtime routine. Asleep by 8.30/9pm and sleep through (generally) until morning.

Now here comes our AWBU - the above is our standard day at home. Things change a bit if the weather is nice and we can take them out of course (that’s like a military operation in of itself most times 😂). Today my PIL (DH’s parents of course) have visited and decided to tell us that we have no excuse for wires being in places DD and DS might grab them (we tidy them away as best we can and never leave them in the living room unattended) that the house is not as clean as it ought to be and we don’t do enough for the Twins to stimulate/exercise them.

When PIL visit the twins normal routine is often at the point where they’re winding down for the morning and due to go for their nap so they don’t SEE what we do for the rest of the day, nor do they think to ask. They just came straight down with their judgment of the situation.

To make matters worse, DH and I are currently grieving the loss of our third child, our second son, who was stillborn on the 25th of April this year. We are just about keeping our heads above water.

We have a lot of ongoing financial difficulties that we are just about managing but this adds stress too. Sometimes I have to leave the twins in their room a little longer than I would like so I can make some much needed phone calls and such....

It just feels like we’ve been told today that regardless of our “excuses” we need to do better... and we’re extremely upset by this. MIL cried when we defended our position because she didn’t think we’d react badly (we didn’t get aggressive we just didn’t appreciate their decision to say all this now!) and basically it’s left us feeling that we’re never good enough.

My mum and dad visit more regularly and they’ve never felt the need to judge our house and when I’m apologising for the mess (toys everywhere, pots not yet washed sometimes, or before I’ve been able to sweep up after a meal where half the contents were dropped on the floor etc.) they laugh and say don’t worry about it, it shows we have two very normal toddlers...

I guess I just want to know were we being unreasonable to be defensive as PIL said they only mentioned these things with their DC’s best interests at heart... or were they being unreasonable in their expectations of us?

Sorry for the long post - just feeling utterly exhausted at the moment and I fight my “mum guilt” a lot for already feeling like I should be able to do more for my lovely twins - so this has knocked my confidence and then some.

So, OP, as I see it you have done two things wrong as a parent. First of all, you have tried to justify how you spend your time when in fact you have two babies and one you have just lost. You need to stop that, you are doing fine.

Second thing you did wrong was let that pair of cunts into your house.

We don’t want to fall out with them or anything drastic. Why ever not? I think you might be losing sight of reality here, because there's no coming back from from what they said.

I'm so sorry you are being treated so poorly. I hope your DH will be reading both the riot act given how utterly insensitive they have been. No offer of help, just judgement. I cant imagine the pain of a stillborn or the busyness of twins but my DD has been poorly and in special care so I'm sure, like me, you see your HV and doctor more than usual. It doesn't sound like either have raised any concerns. The crocodile tears from MIL would do little to warm me to them. She's crying because what? Your toddlers watch TV and you havent slept? You're hardly on Britain's biggest hoarders! Distance yourself from both. Continue to access support around your loss, and from parent's with twins. I'm sure they'll all say its very normal.

You certainly are doing enough OP under tough circumstances. However, I would try and get out of the house a little more. Not necessarily every day but perhaps every other day - a tumble tots, church mum & baby club etc; something with a social element to it, not just the park. This criticism has hit you hard and I feel that a lot of that is brooding and being alone. You might find a mate or two to chat to and when they're little it's a great age to make mum friends and find support. Honestly, I think you would feel better for it.

You are doing brilliantly. Fuck them. Fuck their uninformed and unwelcome opinions.

My FIL did this exact thing and my H sat and agreed with him. That was the end of my marriage. Other people can be absolutely fucking poison.

@TheRedBarrows sorry my communication is a bit muddled at the moment. They do have lunch offered every day and I don’t mind that it gets thrown some days and not others - I just missed that out in my original post (doh!) I used to do breakfast as soon as they woke up but at the moment I find mornings the most difficult so it’s been swapped (used to be breakfast as soon as they woke playtime together with me, then snacks downstairs during playtime, then lunch in high chairs and then bottles before nap) and I’m working towards that being the norm again.

The changes that we have made to their feeding schedule, were actually suggested to us by our HV and our Grief Counsellor when they realised I was running myself into the ground trying to keep everything ‘normal’ at home with no rest (currently I only sleep 2-3hours most nights, unbroken if I’m lucky) and this way I can have chances to rest when needed.

You've been through so much, far more than many people will ever have to deal with - grieving your beautiful DS, premature twins with developmental delay, moving home, financial worries.

You have nothing to justify, nothing to apologise for. You are showing amazing strength and your children will be fine. I'm glad your DH is a good support, look after each other and I hope your PIL will be suitably mortified and apologetic when he has explained to them how shockingly insensitive they're behaviour was.

Has your MIL ever had twins? Has she any idea how hard two toddlers are to look after?
You sound like you have a great routine and that the toddlers are well fed, cared for and looked after.
You are doing amazingly considering such a recent loss.
I'm sorry your MIL thinks you could do more, but I'm not sure how you could do much more.

OP why do you feel the need to explain all this, and in this much detail? This is not about you possibly doing anything wrong, this is about your PiL having not even the slightest respect for you. I know your DH is grieving and struggling too, but he needs to tell them they are not welcome in your house with that attitude and you will need a full apology.

Then you can decide whether to go NC, after a sensible period. Don't let these people hurt you again.

Have your pil always been so cold and lacking in emotion? I'm shocked someone can be so down right awful. It's so cruel to pile on more judgement when I suspect you already wrongly judge yourself for so much already.. You sound like you cope well and are doing your best for your twins and if the HV is happy then be happy with all you are doing.
If DH wants to tell them to stay away then let him, he's hurting like you and on top of that he has the shame he no doubt feels as to how they have behaved. To speak to you like that after such a recent loss is utterly appalling. I'm beyond shocked that people like this exist and feel they have a right to speak this way.. Any decent person would be doing all they could to help in anyway possible not demanding impossible and pointless standards to suit themselves.
You and your husband are doing well. Keep going xxxx

Fair enough, OP, I am sorry to have added more questioning on your plate.

Tbh if you are continuing to get ongoing support from your HV and your Grief Counsellor you are doing well. They know you and your needs best and you can trust their professional advice.

They seem to spend a lot of time in their room. I know you have explained why but it's not great.

@DishingOutDone you’re right I am explaining a lot, I have a very apologetic nature and feel like I have to justify my decisions. I guess I just don’t want anybody else thinking I’m not doing enough for my twins when in fact, they are happy, healthy, energetic and the health professionals that they see have absolutely no concerns so I should probably stop feeling the need to justify how we spend our days. But I genuinely did mess up by missing out lunch on my OP and failing to mention we do go outside when we can haha

Thank you so much for your support and to all others who have been supportive and given constructive ideas on what I can do to make positive changes when me/DH are ready - I’m sorry I can’t reply to you all individually. I know it’s a bit cliche but I do fall victim to my own mum guilt a lot :/

OP, you’re doing great. Twins are bloody hard work and the grief of a baby loss is beyond awful. Dealing with both together is incredibly tough and your two little one sound like they are happy, healthy and thriving. They are your priority and all the rest of it may just have to wait. What a brilliant job you are doing.

I do agree with a previous poster that it may be good for you and DTs to find a few things to get out and attend. It’s social for all of you and gets you out of the house. Totally different situation but I was unexpectedly left as a single mum when DS was very small and spent far too much time on my own for about 6 months. It was very bad for my own mental health as I spent way too much time over analysing things and beating myself up over other people’s (uninformed) opinions. Once I started taking us out a bit (initially swimming and mum and baby club at the library to get us into the swing of things then bigger adventures) I felt so much better and stronger. And able to tell people to stick it up their arse when they started telling me all the stuff I was doing wrong.

@Drogosnextwife I know that and given our current circumstances that was suggested to us by our HV and Grief Counsellor. I don’t mind those who have commented about the time they spend in their room but offered constructive advice on how to improve that. But it’s a little callous to just point it out as “not great” like I think it’s perfectly normal and acceptable.

I have absolutely no patience with people who get upset when they make others unhappy/happy. "I'm allowed to say and do what I feel like, don't punish me for making you upset." FUCK OFF.

There are a couple of things that leap off the page, OP.

Yu are owning all of this! Stop doing that, it isn't healthy (like apologising here, not necessary).

STOP holding your DH back. If he wants to tell his parents to step off, let him
STOP worrying about what they say or think. Fuck 'em
STOP being nice, tell them, out loud "Fuck Off". They are behaving otrageously badly and your DH sees it clearly. Let him deal with them.

And do listen to the HV, DH and your parents. Do what you can as you can.

OP so sorry for your loss. I am so angry with your PIL on your behalf.

They are wrong.

You had twins 19 months ago. They are at a difficult age. Yet you raised them whilst pregnant as they got to the mobile stage and had to deal with your 2nd son being born sleeping.

You can still raise your twins and talk.

You are doing amazingly.

You don't need that sort of negativity in yours or your children's lives.

So your hv and grief counsellor are offering you support. Fab. I’m really glad to hear that. Have they said anything about your set up? Are they concerned? The opinion of professionals, who are offering support is far more valid than people, who think they have ownership over how you conduct your lives but don’t offer any help.

If you are at all concerned by what the pils said, maybe give your hv a call and on Monday and request a visit, see if they have any practical advice. I imagine, and especially under the circumstances, the hv will be pretty shocked by what was said and tell you that you are doing a very good job.

I'd tell my husband to tell them they cant come round anymore from now on full stop. I couldn't listen to that poison I really couldn't. What horrid people, you need to put yourself first and ignore them.
Sounds like you are doing alright to me.Hopefully the weather will get a bit better soon, so maybe you can go out with them on the nice days for a change? Don't be thinking about your in laws at all. they have just got off on kicking you when your down. Horrid people.

Your PIL are being very unreasonable and insensitive. They had no place to say what they did and if they are concerned they should roll up their sleeves and free up some time for you.

You are so impressive, both you and your DH. You have been through a nightmare situation and are battling on brilliantly, keeping your dcs safe, entertained and well cared for and making them the priority. On top of that you re coping with financial concerns. You are doing fantastically.

It will take a long time for you and your DH to deal with losing your younger ds and you need to prioritise yourselves too. The loss will probably impact on you and your DH in different ways and at different times - it's important you don't bottle it up. Do make a point of finding support for yourselves (outside of family).

Tommys and SANDS might be useful -

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/baby-loss/stillbirth/coping-grief-after-loss-baby---parents

www.sands.org.uk/

Now the weather is getting nicer it would be a good time for you to get out and meet other parents with young dcs - perhaps via a twins club. You could also invite them round to sit in your garden. It will be good for you to meet other parents and you will soon be reassured that even parents of one toddler struggle.

I really think you are doing absolutely brilliantly.

@Ratonastick I do want to start going to toddler play groups again but not quite ready for the interaction yet. I do have a network of friends, some parents some not, and do speak to them when I can. My parent friends have brought their kids round for a couple of play days since we lost our second son and that’s helping me start to get back into the real world if that makes sense?

So sorry for your loss, Navisprite, it's very sad for you and your husband.

Grandparents are, unfortunately, often judgemental about ridiculous things. They've forgotten what it's like to have lively babies and toddlers. Do tell them you are hurt by their remarks.

Suggest they take the twins for a couple of days or come over to you on a weekend so you and husband can have a break. That will open their eyes.

In the meantime, you're doing a great job, let no-one tell you otherwise.
and (not too much) .

You're doing an amazing job, I'm worn out just reading your list. You've twins, double the work and at that age it's no easy task trying to get everything done, then on top of all that you are grieving, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Don't mind your PIL, people who pass comment like that are not worth giving any head space to.

Once your children are safe and happy and fed then that is the main thing, they will be good company for each other.

Premmies do sleep alot, they this is the time they thrive. As you say, you do other activities depending on the weather, tbh at that age, they're happy enough playing on the floor, they don't need alot going on, not yet anyway.

I will try to reply more later, thank you again everyone. I’m off out for a stroll to the park with the twins who have just had their dinner :D it’ll help clear my head as PP have said