DH and I have been told we aren’t doing enough - AWBU?

[NaviSprite]

Name changed as could be outing.

DH and I have twin toddlers at 19mo. They are a handful and a half to manage but we do our best. General day goes as follows:

8am Twins wake - we change nappies and clothes, give them water to drink and morning snack then let them play in their room together (room is secure with little to no risk of injuries)

9.30am Proper breakfast downstairs in high chairs. I either eat with them or read to them during this period.

10-11am play downstairs, a bit of Hey Duggee on the television if I’m feeling particularly knackered. Nappy changes and and when required for the rest of the day.

11am-3pm Bottles (for nutritional supplement). Then they take their one long nap of the day (they are still low weight following premature birth so sleep a heck of a lot. HV doesn’t think this is a concern). I use this time to do what housework I can during the week and DH chips in at the weekends. Usually I manage the most important jobs (clothes washing/drying, pots, sweeping and mopping floors, general cleaning of the areas they like to make as messy as possible haha)

3pm They wake. I take them another drink of water and snack in their room and get their dinner ready. If DH is home he will play with them in their room, if I’m alone I will alternate between sorting dinner and playing in their room.

4pm Dinner served. We eat together.

5pm - 7pm they play downstairs roaming about with toys on offer for them to choose from. Might have a bit of Tele on in the background. Water/Juice available as and when needed.

7pm Light snack

8pm Upstairs for bedtime routine. Asleep by 8.30/9pm and sleep through (generally) until morning.

Now here comes our AWBU - the above is our standard day at home. Things change a bit if the weather is nice and we can take them out of course (that’s like a military operation in of itself most times 😂). Today my PIL (DH’s parents of course) have visited and decided to tell us that we have no excuse for wires being in places DD and DS might grab them (we tidy them away as best we can and never leave them in the living room unattended) that the house is not as clean as it ought to be and we don’t do enough for the Twins to stimulate/exercise them.

When PIL visit the twins normal routine is often at the point where they’re winding down for the morning and due to go for their nap so they don’t SEE what we do for the rest of the day, nor do they think to ask. They just came straight down with their judgment of the situation.

To make matters worse, DH and I are currently grieving the loss of our third child, our second son, who was stillborn on the 25th of April this year. We are just about keeping our heads above water.

We have a lot of ongoing financial difficulties that we are just about managing but this adds stress too. Sometimes I have to leave the twins in their room a little longer than I would like so I can make some much needed phone calls and such....

It just feels like we’ve been told today that regardless of our “excuses” we need to do better... and we’re extremely upset by this. MIL cried when we defended our position because she didn’t think we’d react badly (we didn’t get aggressive we just didn’t appreciate their decision to say all this now!) and basically it’s left us feeling that we’re never good enough.

My mum and dad visit more regularly and they’ve never felt the need to judge our house and when I’m apologising for the mess (toys everywhere, pots not yet washed sometimes, or before I’ve been able to sweep up after a meal where half the contents were dropped on the floor etc.) they laugh and say don’t worry about it, it shows we have two very normal toddlers...

I guess I just want to know were we being unreasonable to be defensive as PIL said they only mentioned these things with their DC’s best interests at heart... or were they being unreasonable in their expectations of us?

Sorry for the long post - just feeling utterly exhausted at the moment and I fight my “mum guilt” a lot for already feeling like I should be able to do more for my lovely twins - so this has knocked my confidence and then some.

Just after seeing that your DH did have a word. Well done!

Glad you and dh spoke up, they got it wrong. When and if there is something you both want to change about the routine, you will do it. In the meantime, instead of visits, request practical tasks they can do to lighten the load. Their penance.

They're cunts, you're doing brilliantly, and you should let your DH say whatever he wants to them. How dare they?

I am so sorry for your loss

But in that there is a lot of cleaning and self play and very little interaction between you and your twins - have you noticed a change since you have started grieving because it looks like you are existing in that rather than living - focusing on tasks and chores and basic needs (which your MIL was entirely out of line for commenting on) rather than enjoying them. They wake and you go straight to sorting out food for them for example.

Agree that they are being v. unreasonable, but perhaps there is a way of harnessing it rather than excluding them. What specific task would you value their help with? Would they be able to take twins out to a toddler group for you once a week?
'thank you for noticing, thank you for caring. You're right, we would value some help right now. Would you be able to...?'

I’m sorry for your loss.

I do agree with the posters who wonder why the twins are in their room so much. Being close to their parents is important for their development and attachment so I’d make childproofing the living areas a priority, if that’s what’s preventing them from being nearby.

Honestly not meaning to drip feed! We do attempt lunch between playing downstairs and their naptime - sometimes they’re hungry enough and have it, other times they just throw it all over the place - I just missed that out, sorry.

As for the amount of they spend in their room we know it’s not ideal.

I think we just defaulted to it because their room is fully safe for them (we only moved in to our house a few months ago and haven’t quite managed to set the place up properly yet) and I worry they might hurt themselves downstairs if I take an eye off them (mummy paranoia a bit because I know it’s not actually dangerous for them downstairs but a little more cluttered than we’d like it to be).

I will move their baby gate from the top of the stairs to the bottom for now so I can let them roam as they please on the ground floor whilst I’m cooking (already have one on their bedroom door and kitchen door) they’re not quite walking yet as their development has been delayed but I need to start planning for when they can!

When the weather is good we do move playtime to our little back garden in the late afternoon during the week (when DH is back from work so he can be out there with them or I can whilst the other takes care of cooking/tidying) and I/we do take them out to the park/for a walk/afternoon out at soft play etc. when possible 😊

To my mind, anyone who sticks the boot in at such a horrible, painful time would have crossed a line beyond which it would be impossible to go back. A SiL did this to me once. It's not a case of 'I'll never forgive her so I'll never see her again'. It was a case of one instant in which I saw her for what she really was, once seen it couldn't be unseen. No degree of apology - albeit she's never offered one and it is never likely to - would have undone it. We are now NC; to the benefit of all concerned.

Self-preservation is allowed. You need to take care of yourself at such a time, and to the detriment of others if necessary. Those who matter won't mind. And those who mind don't matter.

I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful son

Honestly I would say sod the housework, spend time with your children. They need to be out of their room more though. You need to childproof downstairs. I had 2 gates, one at the stairs and one the kitchen door. Then dd could roam safely.

So sorry for your loss

I’m sorry you had a stillbirth 6 weeks ago and your PILs are having a go at you?

I’m sorry for your loss and I’m so sorry your in-laws are cunts. I’d go NC, fuck that.

Sorry for your loss
If they're usually brilliant, I'd think this was just a very misguided attempt to be caring and helpful. Some people are rubbish at being supportive around times of loss. That sounds like them.
Rather than fall out with them, I'd ask them to take the twins to a group/activity. Not only will it give you some time alone but it will give them a better idea of what it's like to manage activities/groups with two 19-month-olds.

I don't get people like this. If they're concerned why not make an offer "you must be run off your feet with two little ones why not let me take them out to playgroup/swimming/park twice a week to give you a rest". Instead your PiL's come in at a vulnerable time and criticise. Nasty.

Is they want the house to be cleaner they can clean it.

They sound hideous. After all you’ve been through and still manage. I’m so sorry about the loss of your ds

Please don’t feel bad about keeping them and their unhelpful comments at a very long arms length. If they wanted to help, then help constructively not by making you feel worse. It’s very easy to stand on the side picking holes in things and not lifting a finger.

I grew up in a home where my mother was obsessed with a perfect house at all times. It sure was depressing because everything revolved constantly around endless housework.

I am so sorry for your loss, your pil are unreasonable.
maybe they do have your best interests at heart, but there's a time and place, this isn't the time.
Do they ever offer to help and what do they think you aren't doing that you should be.
It must be hard work with twins, my home was far from presentable when dc were little, your parents are right, it shows healthy toddlers.
Ignore pil, and carry on managing the best you can.
As long as you aren't living in squalor and harming your dc, tell them to shove off.

PIL sounds like the kind of judgemental twats I would dread coming to visit. Luckily, there was only one of those between mine and DHs family, and she is no longer invited to any gaterings or anything as basically, she spends the entire time, from getting there to leaving criticizing every dan thing and making us out to be shitty parents/dirty/too quiet/eat too much, whatever you can think of I am sure she picked at one stage about it, until DH finally snapped and told her to basically, stay in her own damn house that must surely be perfect if being in someone elses upsets her so much. She stropped and apparently she still thinks he should apologize for his rudeness

I cannot believe they are being this insensitive when you lost a baby just week sback though, horrible horrible people.

Totally agree. Don't have them over again and do what you need to do to get through the day. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wonder if it might be more helpful to try and get them into more of a mealtime routine - breakfast first thing and I suspect they'll be hungrier for lunch at 1145. Personally I wouldn't allow mine to have snacks first or last thing (maybe make that a milk bottle before bedtime especially if they are still catching up weight wise). It might help you to get out more fresh air etc. It's extremely isolating having babies that small. Do you have access to Twins clubs and other mums who can help you? You sound like you're a caring mum who is going through a dreadful loss so give yourself time.

I am very sorry for your recent loss.

However, going against the grain of responses, I do think that your twins (and your) routine sounds quite limited. There is a lot of time indoors, a lot of time upstairs in their room. I see in your most recent post you mention going out, but it is unclear how often this happens, and taking your first post as a typical day, the truth is I would be concerned about this in the long term.

I would declutter downstairs so it is safer for them. Why the heck cant visitors see the pots pans and mess and clean it up for you. It is always something I have done for family and friends when I popped in. If they won`t clean for you then tell them to take the twins out so that you can catch up.

Twins are such hard work you are doing great.

Also our house looked like a bomb had hit after I had DS. Had a toddler and a baby to deal with so basically, cleaning was back of the line. My mother came round and obviously could see 'standards slipping' or maybe just wanted to help out, and rather than whinge on at me about my obvious lack of cleaning recently, she just asked if I wanted any help with anything, and argued me down when I said 'nah Il get round to it at some point'. Thats surely the way to respond to people you love seeming like help might be appreciated, to offer to help, not sit and criticize.

I know in their shoes DH and I would just take over the tidying, DIY etc responsibilities for any of our DC in these circumstances. But from other threads on here I know that many would find that too intrusive. If you are ok with them coming to either do or organize this perhaps your DH could give them some responsibilities that would actually help. And maybe help make it safe for the next developmental stage.

So sorry for your loss.

It was shitty to have them say this to you. But I would say that you do need help, frankly anyone with twins needs extra support. I would go back to them, acknowledge this is the best you can do within your current resources and actually ask them to help. So " yes we would love to bring them out to softplay once a week, would you take them".
It was badly handled and horribly timed but it might be an avenue to you asking for help.

Unless they’re offering to look after the twins, help around the house, or are asking what they can do to help you after your loss, they they’re not coming from a good place, they’re coming from a judging place.

As everyone else on the thread has said, YANBU. They are.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It shows a complete lack of empathy to criticise you at this point.

Can barely believe how awful they are!

OP well done for even getting through the day at this point. With twins anyway it’s going to be hectic, never mind all the other factors at play. So, so sorry for your loss That in itself is astoundingly hard.

PIL can help - or fuck off. Handle it in whatever way is easiest for you but can imagine you want to scream at them!

Hope you see all these posts and feel supported. If there are practical tips that could improve your life and DCs’, I hope people give them constructively. And you don’t have to do all improvements in one rush :)

Sorry for your loss.

The way you feed your dcs and wake times is different from how I did it (wake time 7 am, bed 7pm - breakfast, lunch then nap, dinner with snacks in between). My cousin did it differently from me. Her kids are fine. If this all works for you and your dcs, why change it right now?

It sounds as if you’re doing really well. Your pils should visit when your dcs are awake. It is very rude to take up your down time / time to do jobs. And secondly they should offer help, not unsolicited advice and waterworks. Good on your dh for standing up to them.

When my mother visited she was told if she came at x time dd would be asleep. But apparently she had to visit her beloved ds on the way to mine if he was home - he lives close to her and could see him far more easily another time. Then if she arrived during nap time she would be most put out that I wouldn’t wake dd up from her nap even if she’d only been asleep for a short while.

Some people like to create fuss and drama. My mother told me all sorts of crap.