DH and I have been told we aren’t doing enough - AWBU?

[NaviSprite]

Name changed as could be outing.

DH and I have twin toddlers at 19mo. They are a handful and a half to manage but we do our best. General day goes as follows:

8am Twins wake - we change nappies and clothes, give them water to drink and morning snack then let them play in their room together (room is secure with little to no risk of injuries)

9.30am Proper breakfast downstairs in high chairs. I either eat with them or read to them during this period.

10-11am play downstairs, a bit of Hey Duggee on the television if I’m feeling particularly knackered. Nappy changes and and when required for the rest of the day.

11am-3pm Bottles (for nutritional supplement). Then they take their one long nap of the day (they are still low weight following premature birth so sleep a heck of a lot. HV doesn’t think this is a concern). I use this time to do what housework I can during the week and DH chips in at the weekends. Usually I manage the most important jobs (clothes washing/drying, pots, sweeping and mopping floors, general cleaning of the areas they like to make as messy as possible haha)

3pm They wake. I take them another drink of water and snack in their room and get their dinner ready. If DH is home he will play with them in their room, if I’m alone I will alternate between sorting dinner and playing in their room.

4pm Dinner served. We eat together.

5pm - 7pm they play downstairs roaming about with toys on offer for them to choose from. Might have a bit of Tele on in the background. Water/Juice available as and when needed.

7pm Light snack

8pm Upstairs for bedtime routine. Asleep by 8.30/9pm and sleep through (generally) until morning.

Now here comes our AWBU - the above is our standard day at home. Things change a bit if the weather is nice and we can take them out of course (that’s like a military operation in of itself most times 😂). Today my PIL (DH’s parents of course) have visited and decided to tell us that we have no excuse for wires being in places DD and DS might grab them (we tidy them away as best we can and never leave them in the living room unattended) that the house is not as clean as it ought to be and we don’t do enough for the Twins to stimulate/exercise them.

When PIL visit the twins normal routine is often at the point where they’re winding down for the morning and due to go for their nap so they don’t SEE what we do for the rest of the day, nor do they think to ask. They just came straight down with their judgment of the situation.

To make matters worse, DH and I are currently grieving the loss of our third child, our second son, who was stillborn on the 25th of April this year. We are just about keeping our heads above water.

We have a lot of ongoing financial difficulties that we are just about managing but this adds stress too. Sometimes I have to leave the twins in their room a little longer than I would like so I can make some much needed phone calls and such....

It just feels like we’ve been told today that regardless of our “excuses” we need to do better... and we’re extremely upset by this. MIL cried when we defended our position because she didn’t think we’d react badly (we didn’t get aggressive we just didn’t appreciate their decision to say all this now!) and basically it’s left us feeling that we’re never good enough.

My mum and dad visit more regularly and they’ve never felt the need to judge our house and when I’m apologising for the mess (toys everywhere, pots not yet washed sometimes, or before I’ve been able to sweep up after a meal where half the contents were dropped on the floor etc.) they laugh and say don’t worry about it, it shows we have two very normal toddlers...

I guess I just want to know were we being unreasonable to be defensive as PIL said they only mentioned these things with their DC’s best interests at heart... or were they being unreasonable in their expectations of us?

Sorry for the long post - just feeling utterly exhausted at the moment and I fight my “mum guilt” a lot for already feeling like I should be able to do more for my lovely twins - so this has knocked my confidence and then some.

I’m not constantly at the cooker when making their food, I’ll start things off, set the timer and then join them with playing in their room as much as I can because I don’t want to miss out. It’s just that their room seems the safest for when I do need to nip back to check on their food, or make a phone call, but I think that’s my paranoia speaking so I will definitely work on getting them out of their room more - thank you for suggestions as they are appreciated

During the late afternoon when they’re playing downstairs they have almost undivided attention from me and DH. Only step out to get their snacks/drink refills and to make supper etc.

We have let PIL know that we’re struggling and how we could use their help but they are both self employed so they often say they can’t due to work commitments which vary week to week and we fully accept that.

We don’t want to fall out with them or anything drastic, but it just hurt us today that we are doing our level best, with some changes to make from PP’s suggestions (thank you) the time in their room is only recent, when I was heavily pregnant with their baby brother I wasn’t able to keep up with them as much and since losing their baby brother it’s just stayed that way for a while. Before I was with them pretty much 24/7 as we lived in a box of a flat so sleeping, playing, eating etc all happened in the only room that was big enough for all of us - I guess I’m still not used to having more space :/

So sorry for your loss, OP.

Sorry you've got such a bitch for a MIL, too. If she thinks your standards aren't good enough, she should offer help and support, not criticism.

I'd be reluctant to have her over my threshold if she takes that attitude.

Aw, tell them to get to the far side of fuck, and when they get there, to fuck off some more.

You’re doing brilliantly. I’m so sorry to hear about your baby x

Oh my... I want to slap the both for you. How dare they. You are doing brilliantly.

Also, I don't have twins but I do have a child the same age and I bet she would have an absolute ball playing with a same age sibling in a safe environment. You are not leaving them alone, you are allowing two siblings access to independent play. Huge difference.

I’m very sorry for you loss. This period will be so hard, but you’ll get through it.

I would say it does sound as if you have an unusual amount of time not physically with your twins, but them interacting together without you whilst you do something else - at least an hour in the morning and then another hour at least in the afternoon. Thinking back to 2 under 2 myself, there would be very few times my toddler would be playing independently away from me. Obviously it is different with twins but also I think you should be wary/aware of them not becoming so involved in their works/relationship that they stop needing adult interaction.

If you wanted/were able to, you could maybe be a bit more efficient at planning your time so that you can spend more time with your DC. They have a 3-hour nap, so even if you make sure you have a sit down for 45 minutes/an hour then that’s 2 hours for housework and you could also prep dinner in that time instead of needing another whole hour after their nap time. It’s more time than most people would get with 2 DC at home, I think.

Be kind to yourself. But maybe just have a little think too if the grief is affecting your relationship with the twins - it wouldn’t be too surprising if that was the case, so no judgement from me at all but worth considering.

I’m sure at this point, it’s all you can do to get up and put one foot in front of the other.

Go easy on yourself, you are doing just fine. Soon enough the twins will be running you more ragged and you’ll be following their lead. Enjoy the monster naps while they last. DD was premmie and napped twice a day at that age. Good solid naps. They need it. PIL can GTF.

Honestly I would say sod the housework, spend time with your children.
It’s done whilst they nap. Is she supposed to keep them awake? Housework does need doing, otherwise where to the clean clothes come from?

They held off saying anything until now! Wow, the Arrogance.

Anyone who knows me wouldn’t dare come into my house and criticise the way my house looks or how I live my life, with or without children Lol!

I appreciate you don’t want to rock the boat under the circumstances but your DH really does need to tell them to butt out! he can be tactful and tell them he appreciates they are well intentioned but it’s not acceptable to criticise how you live. If they are decent people this should be enough to pull them up!

for the little one that didn’t make it 😢

How you didn't tell them to piss off and then chuck them out is beyond me. Evil judgemental bs. Take care of yourself and I'm sorry to hear about your baby.

From what you've written, you sound to be an amazing mum. Your parents in law were wrong to say what they said.

If they’ve been helpful in the past, perhaps your DH could give them a call and say “Mum & Dad, we’ve been thinking about what you said about the wires/etc. Next weekend please could you take the twins to your house for the day so we can catch up on decluttering and organising? Or please could you come over here and help sort the wires etc while we take the twins out for the day.”

Basically ask for specific help and they should give it because they should want to be part of the solution.

They are being completely unreasonable for expecting you to be "back to normal" so soon after the sad loss of your 3rd baby! Fuckwits.
People NEVER get over that - they come to terms with it and learn to live with it, but not in 6 weeks!!

Jeez.

For the rest, YANBU. Twins are hard work. Yes possibly you could be interacting with them a little more than you are, but god, you've been through a really major upheaval and you're doing well to still be upright at this point.

Fuck 'em off for a while. I'm so sorry they made you feel bad - how horrible of them.

I wonder if it would do them good to be out more, a playgroup or similar. A walk (round the block at least) daily would be good.

Might have got the wrong end of the stuck but are you avoiding this? You dont want to have to speak to people about your loss or have to tell people who last saw you pregnant?

Awful of your pil to say that!
And I think it's so good for children to have time to play by themselves. And you do spend time playing with them just not all the time.
My limited experience has been that youngest ds is much better able to entertain himself, never gets bored, very imaginitive etc because he was left to entertain himself much more than my eldest, who I never left alone and played with all the time. And his speech was much better.
You are doing great.

So sorry for your recent loss, you poor things. Well done for getting out of bed every day and caring for your twins. Try and look after yourselves as well as your little ones. It will take time ( probably a long time) for you to come to terms with your loss. Just keep on keeping on as best you can. Ignore the PIL. It will get better, eventually, but don't be too hard on yourselves.

The hardest thing I have ever done is look after my toddler whilst grieving my stillborn. I lost my baby in January and have found my priorities have changed, I don't get worked up about the housework being done any more, it gets done when it gets done. You only moved house recently too and I would not have had the energy to sort it out either. Moving forward you know the downstairs needs sorting but your children do have a safe place to play. 6 weeks is not a long time in terms of grief, I'm sorry your IL's aren't being more supportive.

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Your PIL are idiots. Mine are a pain too. Constantly moaning about baby led weaning and the babies feet being cold, sharp nails etc.

As soon as I stood up for myself it stopped and if they dared to say anything now they know I won’t tolerate it- I just won’t invite them over anymore and they’d miss out on seeing DD. They are very old fashioned and single minded.

Be assertive, firm, don’t worry about upsetting them- you’re doing an amazing job and it is working for your family. They are nasty and unsupportive. You have had a very difficult time and twins are extremely hard work.

So sorry for your loss, and twins must be a handful.

But in truth I do think they spend too long alone (together) in their room. 9.30 is late in the day to start fully interacting with them.

Toddlers do throw food etc, but they need that socialisation and expectation of lunch. It is a big reliance on milk at this age, to go without another meal.

You have the period of their long nap, and what are you doing from 8 to 9.30 once nappies have been changed etc?

Sounds like you're managing as best you can. I'm so sorry for your recent loss.

I've always felt it was important to get DC out in the fresh air everyday, even if the weather isn't great. It could just be a short walk around the block for 15mins.. whatever, but being inside all day shouldn't really be the norm. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and you sound like a loving mum.

Sorry for your loss. You don’t need to list your routine on here. What you do with your kids and when is your own business and nobody else’s. One 19 month old is hard so I can’t imagine how hard twins is!! They are fed, they are healthy, they are happy. That’s enough. If you want to get your in laws off your back you could consider signing them up for a couple of mornings at a local nursery/preschool? They’ll get loads of playtime there so when anyone asks you can say “oh they go to nursery during the week and are super stimulated so home time is now chill out time” your in laws should not be judging anyway and what they are saying is weird. ill informed busy bodies. Ignore.

Your PIL are just so wrong, and obviously have no idea how it works with twins, and losing a child so recently which is horrific for you. I get they are helping you lots, but maybe dh needs to visit them on his own, sit them down and explain just as you have in your post and also explain it’s only been a month and a half since the loss of your child and it’s not on for them to behave like this. They need to apologise and to be honest if they don’t I would be letting them visit much less, get your dh to take the twins to them and rely more on you far more supportive parents if you can

So sorry for your loss

Also I use the example I have given as a “standard day” because as and when we get out of the house varies day to day. It could be a planned trip to the park/soft play when either DH is home or my Mum can help, otherwise we just go for a stroll around if the weather isn’t absolutely abysmal, to the shops - but it’s so interchangeable I didn’t know how to put it in my first bit. We were cooped up a lot where we used to live as DD was on oxygen then and we had a very abusive alcoholic neighbour so I was scared to go out as he threatened us a few times and the police couldn’t do anything about him. So I do feel I’m still getting used to the freedom, but some days I don’t have much energy so we take them into the garden (again if the weather isn’t abysmal) or if next doors children are playing at the front of the house where there is a nice large patch of grass we will take them outside to play too.

My relationship with the twins did change when we lost their younger brother, I started to feel I’m not doing enough but some days can only cope with the basics.

As I mentioned upthread, sorry for not making it clearer in my OP, when they’re playing in their room I will set their food off and then join them. So whilst they are in their room more than I’d like - I’m in there too for the majority of the time. I should have said that rather than just “play time in their room” as I can see why that sounds like I just leave them to get on with it. DH and I have promised to get the downstairs as child friendly as possible over the coming week though as we do miss having them in the same room as us so much. I just told him we can dump whatever is cluttering downstairs into our bedroom (only room they don’t go in) and sort it later (mostly boxes that haven’t been unpacked yet in the cove under the stairs).

Also I will start pre-prepping their food as suggested as that will reduce the time I need to be away from them when awake :)

So sorry for your loss.

Pay no attention to their remarks. This must be incredibly difficult for you but unfortunately some people just like to find something to criticise. You're doing a great job and doing the best for your children. What others think or comment doesn't matter.

At this stage after my second son was stillborn, I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning and my mum was looking after the older one. Maybe your pil could do something practical to help you instead of bitching that you’re not doing enough.

You’re doing brilliantly, life must be very tough for you without having to deal with this. 💐

After the “aren’t you Over it yet?” Comment about your devastating loss only weeks ago... and that’s a full NC for me.

They are a pair of absolute arseholes.

Although arseholes have a purpose and meaning, they lack even that.