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AIBU?

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Original poster

At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

283 replies

avenueq · 08/06/2019 13:12

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/06/2019 10:49

Yes. I did invite people. A few came. But it was apparent there was little enthusiasm. We had a small party for her 16th birthday that fewer than half of those invited attended (I think we asked 12 and 5 came). The indirect contact petered out too - in that she continued to be included in group chats but people stopped messaging her personally. She had been well liked and never fell out with people. I think it is just that at such an age teenagers are very self absorbed and need a bit of guidance still from parents. For some kindness and empathy is the default, but I do believe that it can be learned/taught too.

I don’t think that any of my daughter’s friends or their parents were deliberately unkind. Just thoughtless and busy with their own lives. But it was a lesson for me in how devastating social isolation can be.

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 10:55

Ach that’s such a shame, Lady! It must have been devastating for you. ❤️

gingerpaleandproud · 10/06/2019 11:55

@avenueq OP what sort of school does your DS go to? Are there other avenues to support him to make new friends? I know on my area we have youth groups that are both mixed and specifically for kids with SEND, and lots of the clubs, for example trampolining, swimming, have SEND sessions.

TheDeflector · 10/06/2019 12:04

As a disabled wheelchair user, I don't feel it's down to anyone other than organisations like school or clubs to include a disabled person if they don't want to. Especially not the mother/child of someone whose birthday it is.

I have friends who enjoy physical hobbies that I can't do. I have to accept that I will never be able to climb rocks or ice-skate. They don't have to not go because of me, and I would never make them feel guilty for enjoying their lives. They are not responsible for me.

Original poster
avenueq · 10/06/2019 12:09

Look I read and understand all your points. I don't want to be misunderstood or misrepresented though. Nowhere did I say that Bob should not have exactly the birthday he wants. I just thought how lovely it would have been if it had been offered, at some point, to have ds over.

OP posts:
Original poster
avenueq · 10/06/2019 12:09

Ds is at a mainstream school.
Doesn't seem to have an awful lot of suitable extracurricular activities but will keep asking.

OP posts:
LittleRedMushroom · 10/06/2019 12:11

I think you need to separate in your mind your friendship with her and your son's friendship with her son.
Adults expect to have long term, supportive and thoughtful friendships. Kids that age don't - they change and grow so quickly and so do their friendships.
So as an adult friend you expect her to take account of your DS needs for her son's birthday, but from the friendship perspective of your DC, that is actually unreasonable.
I think you should just pick up the phone and say you would like to treat her son for his birthday and can you take him out with your DC for X.
I would also change your expectations of what your friendship with her means for the friendship between your sons or you will always be disappointed.
FlowersFlowers

Original poster
avenueq · 10/06/2019 12:12

As a disabled wheelchair user, I don't feel it's down to anyone other than organisations like school or clubs to include a disabled person if they don't want to. Especially not the mother/child of someone whose birthday it is.

Of course that's true. But does it make for a nice society/community?

OP posts:
SmilingThroughIt · 10/06/2019 12:14

I get that you expect your friend to set up something separate for your ds and hers, but what if her ds doesnt want to? Do you feel that she should force her ds to? It seems like your friend has been really good to both of you over the years, fussing and doting over him and perhaps you have taken this for granted and feel entitled that she should continue this. Theres no mention of you doing this for her son. It would be a shame to lose this friendship because you are unreasonable.

Mrsjayy · 10/06/2019 12:16

Tbf the Op isn't expecting the boy not to do his birthday activity nowhere has she said that! Leaving friendsout is hurtful the op is hurt

jollyohh · 10/06/2019 12:17

I just thought how lovely it would have been if it had been offered, at some point, to have ds over.

Perhaps she thinks the same?

Original poster
avenueq · 10/06/2019 12:21

We've looked after Bob, taken him on days out etc

OP posts:
HUZZAH212 · 10/06/2019 12:23

If you and mum are close friends why can't you say we'd love to have Bob over for tea as DS can't join in the activity?

Original poster
avenueq · 10/06/2019 12:27

Sorry, ultimate dripfeeding alert:
On Saturday I dropped card and present round for Bob and realised that the son of another friend had been included- also at another school and not part of Bob's circle. Not disabled but a very shy boy with some issues.
That hurt as well tbh - ds was just too far up the scale of difficult... and I get it but it still hurts

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 12:28

I don’t think that’s relevant at all, to be honest!

Original poster
avenueq · 10/06/2019 12:28

If you and mum are close friends why can't you say we'd love to have Bob over for tea as DS can't join in the activity?

Because if Bob doesn't want to spend time with ds then I don't to make him feel duty-bound.

OP posts:
HUZZAH212 · 10/06/2019 12:31

At the end of the day take your sons disability out of the equation and he's still not Bobs mate anymore is he? Yes, you and mum are friends but would you be throwing a strop if she was invited to a party of another friend and you weren't?

IvanaPee · 10/06/2019 12:35

@avenueq I think you were a bit mean about the other boy, actually!

Like you don’t see why he’s good enough to be invited.

Don’t let this situation make you go down those roads. The other kid hasn’t done anything wrong!

EerieSilence · 10/06/2019 12:36

@avenueq - the way you talk it doesn't look like they're besties, rather just friends and those dart apart, not only when they're disabled and the other one not.
My heart breaks sometimes for my DD when she's sad about her friendship with another one ending because the other girl found another she understands better. People drift apart, more so children and it may have very little to do with disability and more with different interests as they get older.
Talk to the other Mom about inviting her son over for a pizza or computer games or whatever. If she's reluctant, it's not going to work for them anyway and it looks like they're not as close friends as they used to be.

MrsBobDylan · 10/06/2019 12:36

I've not replied until now as I've been thinking hard about this.

I think it's possible that Bob has asked his Mum not to invite your ds. At 12 they can be very head strong and it's possible your friend has asked her son to do something with yours, but he doesn't want too.

My very kind, NT 11 year old is also very introverted and I can't get him to invite those he likes over to our house, let alone those he isn't close to. He also has a disabled brother and although they play together, he doesn't cut him any slack because he's disabled-they just rough it out together in the way brothers do.

I am so sorry that things are so hard-I really understand the hideous isolation. I'm lucky in that my disabled son is so focussed on what he is doing, he doesn't notice he doesn't have friends. People are vexatious to his spirit.

Does your ds want friends? If he does I would recommend some of the disability sports clubs or Lego building clubs. My ds has a mencap buddy who takes him trampolining once a week and I take him swimming. Try contacting your local mencap, they will have some good suggestions if nothing else.

IrmaFayLear · 10/06/2019 12:36

I think focusing on Bob, although he is familiar, is a bit of a waste of time.

Agree with everyone else that between primary and secondary school there is a huge friendship shake up, and kids who were your dcs' bosom buddies are now, "Who?" Ime there is another big sea change in Yr 9, when they generally get split into GCSE classes and get to know new people.

Of course this doesn't help those who are left behind, especially if additional needs are involved and friendships are harder to form.

I second the idea of Drama. Kids involved in this seem to get very pally with each other, and wheelchair users or those with SN don't seem to be left out at all. Also you're focusing on something else, not just on "being friends".

LaurieMarlow · 10/06/2019 12:36

Because if Bob doesn't want to spend time with ds then I don't to make him feel duty-bound.

So why’s that different if Bob and co are doing the inviting?

Hollowvictory · 10/06/2019 12:38

I don't think she is obliged to have a seperate birthday event for your son but I can understand it must be upsetting and frustrating if people choose an activity for their birthday that your son can't do. But I don't think your friend or her son have done anything wrong. 💐

Original poster
avenueq · 10/06/2019 12:39

Ivana I certainly didn't mean it that way! On the contrary, it just added to me feeling that ds isn't good enough

OP posts:
Original poster
avenueq · 10/06/2019 12:40

Laurie, because they then made the decision themselves.

OP posts:
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