At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

Op I feel for you.
When our kids hurt we hurt too, regardless of their age .
Adult d had a similar problem it really was upsetting all round .
Thankfully she did go to the tea bit of some of the parties .
Is there a group for the disability which might help?
Wishing you and ds well. . It will improve honest.

I really feel for you @avenueq, and understand why you are sad. But it's really hard when friendships drift, and as parents we have to help our children manage this.

I have a friend I met when my eldest DC was a newborn (nearly 10, now) as the DC's have grown, it's become really apparent that that are very different children. They go to different schools, have no friends in common, and very little hobbies and interests in common. My DC is quite daydreamy and naive. They still list the other child as one of their best friends. They do, however, have good friends both in and outside of school, so it doesn't really matter too much. The only awkwardness (felt by me) is at birthday time, as my DC is adamant they want the other child there, despite hardly ever seeing them anymore. The child comes along, then spends the time looking quite out of place. Then my DC gets invited to their birthday, I think out of obligation. They'll have fun anyway as they are that kind of child, but it makes me cringe. I have said to the mum that they don't need to invite us if her DC doesn't want to, but up to now we're still going. I'm hoping that this year it will stop!

If "Bob" has decided that the friendship is waning, it's going to be really hard for his mum to carry on as things were before. The focus needs to be on your son building his own friendship group where he can feel secure, and in control. Sending

"I am disappointed in her for not reaching out and saying "shall we have your ds round again one night"
To give me some respite, to help me out, to give some pleasure to a boy whose day to day existence is often not that great."

OP, as nice as that would be... You are not her responsibility.

She is not your respite provider. She is a friend, or possibly just a casual friend given their stance yet you assume more from this friendship.

People have their own lives to deal with. Many of us do not have much time spare for ourselves let alone others. If the boy wanted your son there as was close to him, he would've offered an alternative that he could've attended.

Your son is not the responsibility of the other boy either. He is allowed to make new friends and move on if he wishes. It's called growing up.

There's me, dh and ds and his two older sisters (who are great with him but not expected to do anything specific with him) My mother in law who helps.
Nobody else.

Realistically I won't qualify for respite, on paper not severe enough.

I rationally all the things you are saying about and my friend. But it was just so NICE and I stupidly thought it would last.

To illustrate, it had got to the stage where we had the conversation about them taking on our children should something happen to us. She was totally on board with it.

Have you invited Bob to do anything recently OP? If not, I think it would be worth finding out whether he's still happy to have a relationship with DS, so take the initiative. If you have and he's refused, you may have your answer. But I wouldn't presume.

Bob's party has just highlighted that the boys are moving on in different directions.
It's sad for you because your DS is struggling to find his path and is standing still at the moment (so to speak).
I think you've got mixed reactions here. Had you said the above, people would be full of empathy I'm sure.
All this talk about your friend failing to do a nice thing for your DS and not offering respite for you just makes you sound over dependent on this friend.
Her failure to think of your son's needs on her son's B'day is not a crime.
I agree that you need to help your son find his way forward with friendships. It may/may not include this other boy.

OP is it possible that there’s more to this then just the boys growing apart? Is that why this has disappointed you so much?

I remember your previous thread where you said your DS also has autism & had an outburst / was swearing when you took him to the GP because he became distressed with waiting. So is it possible that now your son is getting older, that your friend may now be anxious about managing something like that if it were to happen in her care?

I only ask because my nephew has autism & unfortunately has outbursts like that when he is distressed & anxious. I used to look after my nephew from time to time to give my sister some respite (& because I love spending time with my lovely nephew) but at 13 years old he is now physically taller than me & I don’t feel comfortable having sole care as I can no longer manage his outbursts as well as I could when he was 6 years old iyswim.

Your friend did what she could in the past. As parents we have more influence over our DC when they're younger, so even if Bob wasn't always keen in the past, he had little choice.

Bearing in mind the kindness she's shown in the past, it's highly plausible that she may have suggested a get together with your DS and her DS showed no interest.

Even if I felt I could force it because I felt sorry for you and your DS, my DH would absolutely not be happy if I was making our DC be friends with someone they'd moved on from....so that's something else to consider.

My Dsis is in your friend's who position. She has a friend who's DD has ASD.

My Dniece doesn't really want the friendship now, but is okay seeing her very occasionally, but Dsis friend pushed her DD onto Dniece a lot during primary school.

She's said DN is a good influence and has a lot of patience with her DD, and her DH (friends DH) has told her to make sure they don't drift apart as they now go to different high schools.

This girl also struggles with friends and it puts my Dniece (same age as your DH) under a lot of pressure. She once asked Dsis if she could tell my DN to play with her DD at school, because nobody else would.

DNs other friends stopped playing with her, because of how the girl behaves and luckily the school picked up on this and called my Dsis in about it. Dsis told them what had happened and they introduced a rota for different children to play with the girl everyday, because it was impacting on DN and because the other girl needed support.

Dsis thought different secondary schools would create a natural drift, but with her friend saying her DD misses Dniece so much my sis has felt obligated to invite her over.

It stresses my Dsis out... then she transfers her stress to me to offload.... because she's too nice or not assertive enough.

The other mum is a very nice lady, but because I'm close to Dsis, I saw how it affected DN during primary school.... which in turn affected Dsis.

I’m with you OP

Of course it’s not her responsibility but that doesn’t mean I would ever behave that way. Just because you aren’t obligated to behave a certain way doesn’t mean you can’t be a caring human being.

I can't understand why you don't want to invite Bob round or take them both out?

Just read the rest of the comments. Fuck me.

OP, your biggest mistake here sadly was posting in AIBU, especially when it comes to anything disability-related. You’ll get a bunch of people with no experience of this, let alone the overwhelming stress of trying to raise a child in a horribly ableist world, who think that basic human decency is for suckers.

I have twin toddlers with disabilities but even before that I wouldn’t have behaved in the callous way others have here, and I have enough empathy to understand how difficult things must have been for you and your DS in those 12 years even though we are only at the start of this.

I hope you can find some young people that your son can develop real friendships with, based on mutual interests etc, because this post shows that you can expect the average person to have any empathy or care about the struggles of others when it’s even slightly inconvenient for them. I was never like this and can’t get my head round it, but that seems to be reality.

Wholeheartedly agree sink . People live with their heads in the sand.

OP, that's so tricky, and I also think your friend should have made more of an effort here. Agree with others that, hard though it is, you are probably going to have to help your DS put his friendship eggs in more than one basket. ASD and a physical disability together must be tough. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated about the situation as it must be one barrier after another. What about sedentary hobbies that attract lots of "geeky" boys like chess or model building or something.... Even if no close friendships result, some kind of a ready-made "social circle" might help.

I'm going to disagree with some of the PP's and say that among DD's (14) friends, the parents do still facilitate some of the socialising. DD regularly sees a core group of her primary friends and it's mainly down to the efforts of one Mum whose DD had a tough time making new friends at secondary. This Mum kept inviting her primary friends over (they'd scattered to various schools) and it reignited their friendships. Not everyone stuck together, but there's a core group of four girls who continue to make a big effort to see each other regularly.

I think you should invite "Bob" over, OP, and make sure they do something fun. Their friendship might rekindle and it could help your DS to feel more confident at his current school. At least give it a try. ]flowers]

Again, rationally I know all this - need to be proactive, need to teach him the skills, blah blah

It was just so nice while it lasted and she made it sound like the family really enjoyed it and I'm gutted but yes have no right to expect and all that, sure.

Re - is ds harder to handle with increasing age - no, he's physically small, and also unlikely to have an outburst in that kind of scenario

Oh OP, I'm sure they did enjoy having your son over - she wasn't lying about that and maybe she has every intention of inviting him over again, or maybe she has other stuff going on her life that is difficult for her to deal with right now.

Is there no way that you can talk to her about any of this?

Whatever happens I still think you should find some way to help your son make some more friends. Relying on just one friend is going to lead to this eventually isn't it? Would your son not be interested njoining the scouts or anything like that?

I don't think he could do Scouts, he can't do hikes etc

avenueq Scouting is very inclusive, you don't have to join in with every single activity. Maybe call them and find out what kinds of activities they could offer?

OP they probably did enjoy having your son round. She probably is still very fond of your son. It’s her son that may have grown apart from him and that’s ok, friends change as we get older. You can’t force her son to include someone he is no longer that close to in his birthday that’s not fair. She might be a great friend of yours but her son has the right to choose his own best friends. He doesn’t have an obligation to your son however painful that might be to you and him.

You friend and her DS probably did enjoy it. Something has changed with her and / or her DS.

Wonder if she was actually being truthful about being willing to be guardian of your DC in the event of your and DH’s deaths, unless you were actually putting that in your wills.

Scouts isn't just about hiking - I don't know of any local scout troops that go hiking. They go to camps but often these are in hostels rather than tents and they seem very inclusive.

Maybe have a chat with a few groups and see whether it would be suitable.

Have you spoken to the sender co ordinator at school? Maybe they have knowledge of local activities suitable for your son?