At what level of closeness does exclusion become unacceptable? Disability related question

[avenueq]

So my son has a physical disability which means there are a lot of activities he can't do, which is becoming more apparent with increasing age - he's 12.
A friend's ds is having a birthday party which is an activity ds can't do. In the past ds would have been invited to this boy's party but it was stuff he could do. They haven't seen each other much since starting secondary but the mum and I are still close friends. Ds knows it's the boy's birthday and has been wondering whether he'll see him.

So anyway, the mum just said to me "of we course we couldn't invite your ds to this activity" and left it at that. Aibu to be quite sad? I understand that her ds wants to do this, but aibu to think maybe she could have added "but we'll do sth else with your ds"
She knows he doesn't really have any other friends. She knows it's hard for him.
I just feel a bit gutted but is it a case of just have to accept it?

I think you're just feeling sensitive about his disability. I look back with horror at my school days: so many kids were ostracized and unpopular. They had no disabilities (To the best of my knowledge) it was truly horrible.

If people with disabilities get invited to something that it is unsuitable for them, it just highlights what they can't do. Life can be very unfair, it's better to accept it.

It is so hard. But, disabled or not, we cannot manage our children's social lives, although I remember well wishing so much that I could when they were feeling left out.

As his Mum is a close friend of yours it might be best (though hard, I know) not to make a big deal of this - and of course not in front of your son.

Children often do grow apart at secondary school as the pool of potential friends is so much bigger.

I suspect that this sense of rejection at times is something that your son is going to face in other walks of life - it feels so unfair, but probably how life can be. I think you need to try and resist getting involved in all this - hard I know. He will develop his own ways of coping as time goes by.

It is a challenge for all parents, regardless of whether their child has a disability. There are many threads on here about parents feeling upset that their child was left out in some way.

Oh avenueq I get it and I think people have given you a hard time. I also feel really sad that so many people on here don't think its a particularly big deal. My heart breaks for your ds and I can hear the exhaustion and defeat in your voice.

If it's any consolation I would absolutely definitely have organised something with my ds and your ds. And my lovely, cool, sensitive 13 year old ds would have loved to do something separately with your ds.

I don't have the answers but you have all my empathy. Far too little kindness and too much selfishness these days 😔

But if you invite him to yours, he can make the decision to accept or not himself. I think you have to take the initiative rather than be annoyed at their lack of instigation.

I do understand that this must be very difficult though. Unfortunately life can be tough for those with disabilities, on top of all the usual growing teenage stuff.

Potentially Bob just doesn't like your son and his mum made up the reason he's not invited as being due to his disability.

Yet you won't invite bob over to yours.

I also agree that empathy can and should be taught and also that we've lost the social cohesion in our society that made us look out for more vulnerable people in our community. So sad.

My friend used to say how brilliant it was for Bob to be able to learn empathy from knowing ds

Do you think the Mum might be wary of looking after your DS in case something went wrong? I know that can be the case sometimes. If I'm out with someone and I'm in my wheelchair, they can feel unnecessarily responsible for me and worry that I might hurt myself, be taken ill etc. It's daunting looking after someon disabled, especially a child, if you're not used to it.

@TangibaBarrons Would your lovely cool son really be tripping over himself to spend a day with someone he knew at primary school but hadn't spent 2yrs hanging out with? Would he be desperate to do that just because that kid was disabled and had no mates? Would he be keen to do it or would you be pushing him? Nobody wants to be a pity party including OP's son presumably.

Yes, but @avenueq “used to” is key here, I think.

Things really do change that much and that quickly with dc.

You simply don’t know how Bob or the rest of the family is feeling now. You’ve no reason to think she’s deliberately trying to hurt you.

I really, really think that you should let it go and focus on help ds form new friendships and hobbies.

I agree with you Tangina!

Her son not wanting to be friends with someone he knew in childhood is no indication of his character or lack of empathy. As an adult there are people I chose not to spend time with socially. Not because there is anything wrong with either of us but because we are just different personalities.

avenueq, out of school my DS's friendships are centred around gaming together via Skype. The boys live in different towns/villages and that's how they hang out together. Even if not ideal, would that be a possibility for your DS?

But given the boys havent seen each other for quite a while, why on earth are you expecting them to do anything with each other. Clearly the boys have moved on. The mother knows that at 12 the boys choose their own friends. It's as simple as that. The expectation that she needs to go out of her way to organise something that you dont want to do anyway makes you sound very entitled. Maybe she has picked up on that. She doted and fussed over him the past 12 years, give her a break.

At primary school people would be horrified at the disabled child being left put parents would be tripping overthemselves to show how kind and inclusive their child is a year in high school well Bobs moved on what do you expect avenueq I am really sorry that a woman who is meant to be a family friend has moved on from you and your son I do think maybe looking for out of school activities will broaden his circle and maybe yours too.

@HUZZAH212 yes my son would be very happy to. Are you implying that we subjugate vulverable people (and I include introverts, people with high functioning ASD etc in that) to being unworthy for our kids to hang out with? He is very kind and has a massive spectrum of friends, none of whom he patronises. It has always been normal in my family to judge people on who they are and to be inclusive - they have been taught that from day one, as was I by my mother. If there was a massive personality clash that would be one thing but if he had drifted apart from someone and we realised they were struggling I would definitely insist that he make an effort with that person and I know he would. I feel really a bit appalled that this attitude is so unusual. It's all a bit Trump's America - look after your own and trample on the vulnerable or those who need a bit more help.

God smiling, really? 🙄. Avenueq's son hasn't moved on though, has he? But precious Bob has - him with all the privilege - so who cares about Avenueq's son. Gah!

Tangina - “precious Bob with all the privilege”?

You’re speaking about a child, ffs. Who mightn’t even be aware of any of this.

@TanginaBarrons and what if your child said I don't want to hang out with XUZ because we have nothing in common and I don't enjoy it.

This may not be an argument about disability but just that two boys no longer have anything in common.

And how do you know that OPs son is a good friend? Some kids aren't nice. Able bodied or not.

Would you still force your child to bond with someone who wasn't nice to them.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) gaming is something my ds can't do either - sensory overload, too fast.

Maybe the key here is to forget Bob and look towards inclusive activities for your son to join. Primary school friendships do generally wane regardless.

avenueq, what sort of activities would he like to do with a friend?

He loves chess. Would love to go for a walk to the shop, buy some sweets, chat.
Play gentler console games.