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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be ok to not want grandkids

163 replies

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 08/06/2019 12:05

My Dd (27) informed me months ago that she and her Dp have decided that they do not want children (they've been together since uni). She is a children's entertainer so doesn't "hate" them, she just doesn't feel the need to have any of her own and neither does he. I am absolutely fine about this as,imo, it's their choice, their life. Recently the topic of grandchildren came up during a lunch with friends and when I mentioned that dd had chosen not to have kids I was met with comments like "oh she'll change her mind don't worry" and " she's so selfish you must be terribly upset" I politely repied that no I wasn't upset but glad that she wasn't going to have them to please other people. It's not just friends that have been this way, family have been the worst....I'm fed up of being pitied, of hearing my dd being called selfish, of horrible remarks about her "controlling" dp, (he's not controlling btw way he's a lovely man who worships her). Why can't people just accept that some women just don't want children and are happy with the decision they have made. As I said I'm perfectly happy not to have grandkids because I respect that it's my girls wish not to have children

OP posts:
Daisydo48 · 08/06/2019 17:47

I got called selfish by a very close friend for not wanting children i was told i was depriving my mother of being a grandparent. I can honestly say i was so hurt so please don't tell your DD about those nasty comments. As long as your DD is happy and healthy and enjoying life nothing else matters. Wanting to have children is a choice and not all of us choose to have them

Pinkvoid · 08/06/2019 17:49

They are only 27 so there’s a decade or so to change their minds. Of course they may not but your friends comment isn’t invalid, many people do change their minds.

Having said that, YANBU at all not to be bothered.

Nuttyaboutnutella · 08/06/2019 17:55

My mother put immense pressure on us to have children, for several years. As it happens, I always did want children but waited until I met the right person and it was right circumstances for us. We recently had our second child (my parents 3rd grandchild).

If my kids decide they want kids or not, it's entirely up to them. There's no expectation from us to have grandchildren in the future.

So, YANBU and sound lovely not to keep hassling them for any

HeresMe · 08/06/2019 17:59

There is people posting about caring about environment on here but having 4 or 5 kids.

Yep those are the problem if a couple have 2 they are replacing any more you are increasing and a worse detriment to world than guy at number 65 not recycling.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 08/06/2019 18:10

Am I unusual to NOT particularly want grandchildren? I have several children mid\late 20s and one teen. I am enjoying being post menopausal, liking my career and life and looking forward to finally getting rid of last child. I can't honestly think of anything I would less be thrilled about than an announcement of new grandchild on the way. I hope my children have (or not) the family they want.... But genuinely if I'm honest I would happily pass on grandchildren. I've done my child rearing over the last almost 30 years and now find small children utterly boring. I don't want to give up the freedom I am finally having to start helping out again.

jennymanara · 08/06/2019 18:13

Pinkvoid Of course people change their mind about all kind of things. But why do you think people only say it about the decision not to have kids? Nobody says it to someone who says they want kids.
Oh you want kids, oh well you're young, you might change your mind.
The reason no one says it the other way around, is this comment is simply a way to invalidate the choice of some women not to have kids and to put subtle pressure on women to change their mind and have kids.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 08/06/2019 18:25

l can't honestly think of anything I would less be thrilled about than an announcement of new grandchild on the way.

I don't want to give up the freedom I am finally having to start helping out again

^This with a Star

To be honest I have health issues. But assuming I remain stable the very last thing I want is to be saddled with baby sitting duties again. I want to spend time on developing my hobbies and skills to mastery, travel to a few out of way places, build up some cash reserves, and rediscover myself. If you have children and parent even half-way decently, you set a portion of yourself (and marriage) aside. This is the time to reconnect.

I genuinely don't get the 'desperate for GC' thing. But perhaps I'd feel differently if I had girls? People say the experience of GC is different if you have girls.

darjeelingisrank · 08/06/2019 18:25

Am I unusual to NOT particularly want grandchildren?

No. My son has autism and I think his father and grandfather have/had it, too. It's heritable in that sense and I really hope none of my kids procreate and pass this horrible condition on, if I'd known I'd never have had any kids.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 08/06/2019 18:27

My sons are adults now. The younger has always said he doesn’t want children and the older would like 3. But they are both still in their early 20’s so things could change for either of them.
I am not fussed either way and if I do become a grandparent then all well and good but I will not be doing much babysitting bar emergencies or the odd valentines night so mum and dad can enjoy a nice meal.
I will love them and probably buy them too many sweets and loud toys but to me the ideal grandchild will come to Sunday lunch with son and dil. I will produce a bag of sweets, feed them all a lovely lunch, maybe spend half a hour playing with them in the garden and then everyone goes home so I can enjoy peace and quiet once again.

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/06/2019 18:37

I don't plan on helping, bar emergencies.
Her kids, her responsibility.
Spending time with them is different, but will be on my terms.
I've raised Dd completely alone with no help, so I'm sure she'll get it.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 08/06/2019 18:51

Thank you @CatherineOfAragon'sPrayerBook and others! Not wanting to hijack OPs thread, but I expected a huge flaming - it seems to be sacrilegious to state 'I enjoyed my kids, but now I'm feeling too selfish to want to help out much' - but that's genuinely how I do feel. My own DM did very little to help me - was blatant about not wanting to start again and I was frankly a bit resentful, but my God - I now know how she felt. I am still working full time, looking at probably not being able to retire til 67 and hoping that at some point, like Catherine I can actually find time to enjoy hobbies, travel and enjoy life rather than drudging away caring for others still.

Snog · 08/06/2019 19:06

My dd is 19, she has said that she doesn't plan on having children. I was surprised and initially a bit quietly disappointed but my godchild is planning on having lots of kids so I can always help out with and spoil them instead!

I think DD's life may well be better without kids - she can devote herself to her career which she loves, and will have more money for herself too. She wants to live in London which is easier to afford without kids.

What is most important for me is that my dd can choose a life that makes her happy.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 08/06/2019 19:08

You're welcome bless.

I will produce a bag of sweets, feed them all a lovely lunch, maybe spend half a hour playing with them in the garden and then everyone goes home so I can enjoy peace and quiet once again

GrinSounds perfect to me!

LeavesAndGreenTrees · 08/06/2019 19:29

I changed my mind. I absolutely and categorically did not want children, and I felt completely certain about that. I had zero maternal instinct and didn’t particularly like kids.
My DH (DP at the time felt the same). Then all of a sudden I changed my mind around the age of 33. I don’t know why. no one pressurised me. I spoke to my DP about it and he also admitted to starting to feel the same.
We now have two DC and it’s the best thing that happened to us, alongside meeting each other.
She may change her mind. 27 is very young. But if she doesn’t, well it’s great that she’s got a mum like you who will support her decision!

Rock4please · 08/06/2019 19:37

Dontsweatthelittlestuff - that's exactly how I feel. I am sure that if I have any DGC I will love them to bits, but if I don't, that's fine too. I certainly don't want to be a parent again or be involved in full on childcare etc. Also, my DC are relatively recently adults (youngest shortly to be 21) and I am relishing the time with them. And yes, yes, if there are any DGC, I would love them to come round for Sunday lunch, cook their favourite meals, play with them, and hand them back!

hazell42 · 08/06/2019 19:55

I have a GD who I adore, but prior to her arrival, I had never once dreamed of being a GM.
It never entered my head tbh.
I have never had any desires for my kids, except that they are happy and healthy.
I have always found it a bit weird when parents place expectations on their kids about marriage/family/career.
Who cares, as long as they are happy.
(Also, it took me a while to adjust to the idea of being a grandmother as, in my head, I am only 35).

Purpleartichoke · 08/06/2019 19:58

This is actually something I’m preparing myself for. I chose to only have one child and I can see her choosing to not become a parent. I am honest with myself and do hope that she decides to have a child, but also recognize that she needs to choose her own path and it’s my job to support her finding her happiness.

Mammajay · 08/06/2019 20:03

My lovely daughter and her partner don't want children. She said that I had taught her " to choose her own path in life" and that was what she was doing.I am proud of her. Her life, her body, her choice.

mydogisthebest · 08/06/2019 20:42

As more and more people are choosing not to have children this is something mothers and fathers will have to get used to.

We have no children and DH's sibling has no children so his parents never had grandchildren. I think they would have liked some but it's not what we or DH's sister wanted.

I have a friend who has 5 children and none of them have children (all married but now really too old to have any). I know my friend is not happy about it and, I believe, gave them a bit of a hard time about it. They all say they chose to be childfree

Whosorrynow · 09/06/2019 10:16

Increasingly there are bare branches

AuntieMarys · 09/06/2019 10:27

My dcs are in their 20s and have both said they aren't interested in having children. I am more than happy with that....I am not particularly interested in being a grandmother.

FlibbertyGiblets · 09/06/2019 11:10

Whosorrynow

"Increasingly there are bare branches"

What does this mean, please? Sorry to be a bit thick.

TanMateix · 09/06/2019 11:17

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about apart of not talking about it.

One of my friends and her husband were not sure they wanted children until the 10th year of their marriage. She said that she was so tired of being pestered by everyone asking about when the kids were coming, the clock ticking and accused of being selfish that she started telling people she had fertility problems (she didn’t). Then she regretted it as the pity was worse than the pressure.

Perhaps the best answer for your friends is “I don’t know, they don’t talk about these things with other people”

redspider1 · 09/06/2019 11:30

You sound like a great mum OP. Supporting your child's wishes.

As they say, no pockets in shrouds, and all they have is their bank accounts to console them - and memories of the QE2 circa 1970 when it might have been something special.

Oh you are a charming friend!