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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be ok to not want grandkids

163 replies

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 08/06/2019 12:05

My Dd (27) informed me months ago that she and her Dp have decided that they do not want children (they've been together since uni). She is a children's entertainer so doesn't "hate" them, she just doesn't feel the need to have any of her own and neither does he. I am absolutely fine about this as,imo, it's their choice, their life. Recently the topic of grandchildren came up during a lunch with friends and when I mentioned that dd had chosen not to have kids I was met with comments like "oh she'll change her mind don't worry" and " she's so selfish you must be terribly upset" I politely repied that no I wasn't upset but glad that she wasn't going to have them to please other people. It's not just friends that have been this way, family have been the worst....I'm fed up of being pitied, of hearing my dd being called selfish, of horrible remarks about her "controlling" dp, (he's not controlling btw way he's a lovely man who worships her). Why can't people just accept that some women just don't want children and are happy with the decision they have made. As I said I'm perfectly happy not to have grandkids because I respect that it's my girls wish not to have children

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 08/06/2019 12:44

Yanbu but please don't be drawn into any more discussions around your dd and her dp's private and personal business. Yanbu for that.

"I have no idea" is a great answer to any nosey or inappropriate questions, then turn it back on them "How about you?"

CallMeRachel · 08/06/2019 12:44

Meant yabu for that

OneKeyAtATime · 08/06/2019 12:45

I am so shocked at people calling her selfish!

RomanyQueen · 08/06/2019 12:46

This was me, right down to being a Children's Entertainer.
We ended up with 3dc and I have a gd now too.

FenellaVelour · 08/06/2019 12:46

Ugh, and there’s even people on here saying she’ll change her mind 🙄

dodgeballchamp · 08/06/2019 12:47

My mum is like you. I’ve known pretty much forever that I don’t want kids and she wholeheartedly agrees with me - she says she doesn’t think I’d enjoy parenthood or that my personality is suited to it. She’s absolutely right and I’m so, so grateful she understands me so well. I don’t really understand people’s parents who try and pressure their kids into anything tbh whether that’s going to uni or a certain career or kids, mine have always been a ‘do what you think is right for you’ type and while I’ve made mistakes it’s been the best way, because if they’d ever tried to tell me to do anything, I’d have done the opposite just to spite them. So if my mum banged on about wanting grandchildren, even if I wanted kids I’d probably declare I was never having any just to make a point!

RomanyQueen · 08/06/2019 12:47

She may well change her mind, she may not change her mind, it's nobody else's business.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/06/2019 12:48

You are perfectly entitled to feel as you do. And it’s great that you do considering your dd doesn’t want to become a parent. Better to be like this than a parent badgering their adult child to produce a gc. Especially if said child doesn’t want kids or has fertility issues.

Of course she / may change her / their minds. People do. But it’s great that you’re content the way you are.

OliviaBenson · 08/06/2019 12:49

We have decided not to have children op and the judgement is awful.

The selfish comments really get my goat. And the ones that tell me I'll change my mind. ODFOD.

YANBU!

Whosorrynow · 08/06/2019 12:49

I personally doubt that she will change her mind, actively choosing not to be parents is becoming increasingly common, the more common it is the more others will feel empowered to take this route

MummyCJW · 08/06/2019 12:51

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I think your friends and family are the being unreasonable and the selfish ones tbh.
You can't force someone to have kids if they don't want them.
If your daughter and partner changed their mind, then that's up to them. They shouldn't be shamed for not wanting children. Would people prefer them to raise children when they don't want to be parents.
All your daughter needs is for you to be supportive of her choice, which it sounds like you are. Its a shame your friends and family aren't more supportive of her choice, is selfish of them to think she should have children to please other people.

crazyasafox · 08/06/2019 12:51

YANBU. If my (adult) kids had kids, I would be happy, but I am not counting down the days, and I would not care if they had none.

Some people I know (who have become grandparents) are a PITA. I have had to follow them on facebook, as every fucking DAY, I get them posting comments and pics of their grandkids, and it drives me NUTS.

One woman posts 10-15 times a day, and put half a dozen pics a day up too.

What does my head in, is the posts that say 'there is no love in the world like a grandma has for her grandchildren.' Hmm

What about the love between their grandchild and their ACTUAL parents eh?!

What about the love between the grandparent and their OWN kids?!

Makes me wonder why. Are they trying to prove something??? Trying to compensate for not being a good parent to their own kids? What? Why the obsession with the grandchildren? Why the desperation to blather on about how there is no love like they have for their grandchildren>>>??? Confused

llangennith · 08/06/2019 12:52

My decision to have DC certainly didn't take my parents' wishes into account!
My DC all chose to have children and I love the DGC and enjoy spending time with them, but if they were all child-free my life and my relationship with my DC would be different, not poorer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/06/2019 12:52

Olivia
I don’t understand the selfish comments and judgment either. I bet you get these from strangers. No one is obliged to produce offspring. I do find the way you feel difficult to understand because I feel so differently. But I can still accept and acknowledge your feelings.

LoubyLou1234 · 08/06/2019 12:54

At 27 I assumed I'd have kids. At 40 I don't feel that maternal pull ( I've worked with them for 20+years and love them but not 24/7!) my hairdresser asked me who would look after me when I'm old?! Hmm great reason to have kids! The world is chaotic and struggling enough without bringing unwanted children just to appease people! I have lots of family: nephews,nieces god children I'm watching grow up. We are very happy with our lot!

I also know people who didn't want them and then changed their minds and have had them in their 30's. Everyone's different. Good on you for supporting them.

FriarTuck · 08/06/2019 12:54

I wish my own mother was more like you
This ^^. Your DD is lucky!

Minttea2 · 08/06/2019 12:57

YANBU. I can't get my head around people who say that not giving their parents grandchildren is selfish. The only reason for having children should surely be because the individuals in question want them!

PutyourtoponTrevor · 08/06/2019 12:57

I never wanted kids, mum was disappointed about not being a grandma but she totally backed my decision.

I've been called selfish by others told I'll change my mind, told I'll get broody when I see friends and family's kids. I'm 46 this year, hasn't happened yet

Liverpool52 · 08/06/2019 12:58

My mum's like you but my PIL are most definitely not and one of the reasons I don't have any kind of a relationship with them is they clearly saw me as nothing more than a vessel to bear their grandchildren and someone to keep house for their son. After yet another snide commenting insinuating that the only reason I needed a career was to keep me busy while my husband worked because I didn't have children, I decided that I wasn't going to see them anymore. So now they don't have a grandchildren or a DIL that wants to spend any time with them.

cosytoaster · 08/06/2019 12:59

YANBU. I can't actually understand why people are so bothered about whether others choose to have children or not.

I don't get the selfish angle either, it's not like people who have children did so for altruistic reasons, either decision is made based on what people want out of life.

PregnantSea · 08/06/2019 13:00

Your DD is free to do what she likes. And I suppose they aren't wrong that she might change her mind one day... and I might get hit by a bus tomorrow. Might doesn't really mean anything 🤷 and it's extremely rude to speculate about whether or not someone else will have children. For all they know she could have been desperately ttc for years with no luck, or have suffered a still birth, or be infertile, and not wish to speak about it. People should be able to think things and then not say them, but sadly some haven't mastered this art.

If people ask you again I would just say that you don't know and it's your Dd's own private business.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/06/2019 13:01

The chances of her changing her mind are slim to none.

Just wait til she hits late 30s. It's like someone pumps you full of some sort of sex/reproduction steroid (tmi sorry). Nature is a wily and vastly powerful thing.

However, if they don't change their minds (or get caught out) they are very lucky to have such an understanding, unselfish mum.

Anyway all.the people saying don't talk about it; the older op gets and her daughter gets, the more she'll be asked. Be realistic.

RedPanda2 · 08/06/2019 13:01

I'm childfree (35, no I'm not changing my mind) and am so pleased my parents are like you. It's unfathomable that soneone could want their child to procreate so much that they accuse them of ruining their life. My life would be ruined if I had a child!

Whosorrynow · 08/06/2019 13:02

your parents in law, just jealous that you have a career and a life rather than being enslaved to the needs of children

Moralitym1n1 · 08/06/2019 13:03

Incidentally children's entertainment if quite an odd choice of profession for someone who doesn't want any kids ever, or is that just me?

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