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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be ok to not want grandkids

163 replies

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 08/06/2019 12:05

My Dd (27) informed me months ago that she and her Dp have decided that they do not want children (they've been together since uni). She is a children's entertainer so doesn't "hate" them, she just doesn't feel the need to have any of her own and neither does he. I am absolutely fine about this as,imo, it's their choice, their life. Recently the topic of grandchildren came up during a lunch with friends and when I mentioned that dd had chosen not to have kids I was met with comments like "oh she'll change her mind don't worry" and " she's so selfish you must be terribly upset" I politely repied that no I wasn't upset but glad that she wasn't going to have them to please other people. It's not just friends that have been this way, family have been the worst....I'm fed up of being pitied, of hearing my dd being called selfish, of horrible remarks about her "controlling" dp, (he's not controlling btw way he's a lovely man who worships her). Why can't people just accept that some women just don't want children and are happy with the decision they have made. As I said I'm perfectly happy not to have grandkids because I respect that it's my girls wish not to have children

OP posts:

StreetwiseHercules · 08/06/2019 13:46

My kids are young, but whether or not I ever have grandkids, I could not give a fuck. Whatever choices my children make on procreation it n the future is just nothing to do with me.

I really don’t understand people sometimes.

velveteenwabbit · 08/06/2019 13:46

To be honest as great as it is that you're not putting pressure on your daughter your feelings on the matter are entirely irrelevant. You're not "giving her permission" to not have kids because you don't want grandkids. The only people who get a day in whether or not they have children are the potential parents!

MrsDrudge · 08/06/2019 13:50

YANBU and I totally admire the way you support your DD and her DP in their decision.

Original poster

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 08/06/2019 13:51

"Incidentally children's entertainment if quite an odd choice of profession for someone who doesn't want any kids ever,"...why? working with children is not the same as wanting them.

OP posts:

fecketyfeck21 · 08/06/2019 13:54

why does it matter if a childrens entertainer doesn't want kids, what's that got to do with anything ?
i cook dead stuff sometimes but i don't want to eat it as i'm veggie !

Kingslayer · 08/06/2019 13:54

My brother and his wife have chosen not to have kids. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little sad at never being an auntie or my kids getting to have cousins, but I'd never express that to them! As ultimately its their decision!

jennymanara · 08/06/2019 13:57

25% of women will not have kids.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 08/06/2019 13:57

I was a primary teacher for years before having children, and I never understood why parents were unpleasant, unkind, indifferent and uninterested in their own children when I found them so interesting and enjoyed the time I spent with them.
Parents who didn’t want to listen, read, craft or spend lots of time with them. Why not?

Asta19 · 08/06/2019 13:57

My two DC are nearly 30. Neither are saying no to kids but neither would be devastated if it never happened. Tbh I would feel a large part relief if they didn’t. The world is messed up and getting worse. I would worry for the future of any GC. Of course if they have them I’ll be happy for them and love my GC but I won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. It’s 100% their choice and I support whatever they decide. I think you’re absolutely right in your attitude to this.

jennymanara · 08/06/2019 13:58

Also I should imagine being an entertainer is very different from actually having kids.

DesMartinsPetCat · 08/06/2019 14:01

We chose not to have children.

I’m 37, my husband is 43.

He’s an only child. His parents have never once asked about our plans, or made any comments about us and children. It’s great. I’d never have a child to make anyone a grandparent.

MyInnerAlto · 08/06/2019 14:05

Like others, I'm not sure I could, in all good conscience, encourage my children to have children. It's that generation that will probably be bearing the brunt of climate change and the associated risks.

I do think grandchildren would be nice, but I shan't be expecting them or planning my life around them perhaps turning up one day. I'm very unlikely to retire before my 70s, for one thing!

fecketyfeck21 · 08/06/2019 14:05

i wonder how many wanna gp just want gc to show off to their friends or keep the family name going ?

crazyasafox · 08/06/2019 14:05

I mean (on my post from 12.51 on page 2) I have had to UNFOLLOW people on facebook for ranting on about their grandkids, not follow.

darjeelingisrank · 08/06/2019 14:07

I haven't known a single woman who was that age and were vocal about not wanting children who changed their minds and none who have regretted not having kids. I wish I never had. It's been a disaster.

AJPTaylor · 08/06/2019 14:13

I agree. My oldest dds are mid 20s. Up to them. I would hate them to make such important decisions to please some one else

pigsDOfly · 08/06/2019 14:21

Can't believe people are saying they're being selfish by not providing you with GC. Bloody weird attitude for people to see their DCs as grandchild producing machines; I'd say that's a pretty selfish attitude tbh.

I've never had strong feelings about having GC and it's not my business one way or the other whether my DCs decide to reproduce.

As it happens one of my DDs has children, one doesn't and my son and his soon to be wife are hoping to at some time.

I love my GC and I'm trying to do my best to build a good relationship with each of them. But if none of my DCs had had children it would have made no difference to me.

IceRebel · 08/06/2019 14:23

I never understood why parents were unpleasant, unkind, indifferent and uninterested in their own children

I've also experienced this. I find children infinitely fascinating, but acknowledge that they are also very hard work. I'm in awe of parents who are engaged and interested in their children. But sadly I have also met many who show little to no interest, and I do wonder why they had them.

ohtheholidays · 08/06/2019 14:24

I completely understand where your coming from OP.

I have 5DC and ever since my oldest turned 20 that is all I've heard from people,"oh holidays I bet you can't wait to be a Grandparent"

Honestly hand on heart,I am happy with whatever my DC decide to do,if they don't want children then they don't want children,if any of them do decide to have children of they're own then of course me and they Dad will do whatever they need us to do to help but we have told all of them to follow they're own paths and the only thing we wish for them is that they make sure they live alot before they have any children of they're own.

SteelRiver · 08/06/2019 14:26

You're not being at all unreasonable, OP.

I never wanted kids of my own and got the selfish, you'll change your mind when you meet the right man etc blurb, over and over. It was incredibly patronising. I wish back then that I'd had the nerve to bite back and say that bringing a child into the world is the very definition of selfish, because its what you want. I would have the nerve if questioned now. Lol.

Its such an intensely personal thing, yet people feel they have the right to question and judge. You seem to be a great, supportive mam, OP. Maybe just say you don't know if questioned in future or, if you want to be a bit sharper, just say it's your daughter & her partner's business alone.

RedPink · 08/06/2019 14:40

I hate this idea that people who don’t want children will “change their mind”

Me too. It’s so patronizing. Two of my four kids (all adults) don’t won’t kids and I don’t see anything wrong with that at all. I don’t care if I have grandkids or not. If I do I am sure I will think they are wonderful but if I don’t then I won’t miss them either.

I can’t fathom how anyone can think people that don’t have kids are selfish. That’s a really weird way to think.

ChipSandwich · 08/06/2019 14:47

I just wanted some kind of acknowledgement that I wasn't BUR

I don't think you are BU either. I've two daughters late twenties.
One definitely doesn't want children. The other says she doesn't but acknowledges she might change her mind in a few years.

I truly, honestly, don't mind either way. So long as she's happy, I'mm happy.

stucknoue · 08/06/2019 14:49

At 27 I would be pretty confident that she will change her mind! Many a career minded woman I knew at 27 by 38 was fretting they couldn't find mr right or had and were having ivf. Not everyone wants kids but I would wait until she's at least 35 until you actually believe her.

jennymanara · 08/06/2019 14:51

stucknoe, do you also think 27 year olds who say they want to have kids will change their minds?

Original poster

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 08/06/2019 14:53

Thankyou all for your replies. To those that have said she may change her mind,it may or may not be relevant to say that she had no interest in dolls or suchlike when she was young so I don't think she's ever going to be hit with the maternal bug.

OP posts:

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