to be ok to not want grandkids

[danmthatonestakentryanotheer]

My Dd (27) informed me months ago that she and her Dp have decided that they do not want children (they've been together since uni). She is a children's entertainer so doesn't "hate" them, she just doesn't feel the need to have any of her own and neither does he. I am absolutely fine about this as,imo, it's their choice, their life. Recently the topic of grandchildren came up during a lunch with friends and when I mentioned that dd had chosen not to have kids I was met with comments like "oh she'll change her mind don't worry" and " she's so selfish you must be terribly upset" I politely repied that no I wasn't upset but glad that she wasn't going to have them to please other people. It's not just friends that have been this way, family have been the worst....I'm fed up of being pitied, of hearing my dd being called selfish, of horrible remarks about her "controlling" dp, (he's not controlling btw way he's a lovely man who worships her). Why can't people just accept that some women just don't want children and are happy with the decision they have made. As I said I'm perfectly happy not to have grandkids because I respect that it's my girls wish not to have children

*is

Much as I would love grandkids, its my kids choices whether they have them. I know two won't, but they may adopt. Its no one elses business and no one is being selfish.

Op your dd is so lucky to have such a cool mum. I think people are just making assumptions. Smile and nod. You guys are happy and that's all that matters

Some people feel an implied criticism if others choose lives which are very different to thier own, I think that is the root of some of the objections

YANBU, with the effects of climate change already here its probably better if they don't.

I think with the uncertainty over the human race being wiped out by climate change, you and your daughter are potentially avoiding a lot of heartache.
I sometimes worry for my children and wonder if I shouldn't have had any because of their uncertain future life.

i'm not interested in having grand kids either, too much rubbish going on in the world and it'll only get worse. plus i'm not prepared to feel obliged to child care for anyone. people who demand and put pressure on for gc are selfish imo, they aren't the ones doing the 24 hour care and raising for 18 odd years.
before anyone comments, i didn't have a big family to have carers either, they know what i intend to do if i started getting to that stage.

Why should she change her mind? Some of us are perfectly capable of making a decision and sticking to it.

Me and DH decided not to have children when he was 23 and I was 25. Our Dr (female) would not entertain the idea of me being sterilised or DH having a vasectomy because she was sure we would change our minds! Thanks to so many people who apparently do change their minds we had to go private for DH's vasectomy.

Recently someone asked me if I had grandchildren and when I replied that I didn't even have children she said "oh how sad". I honestly could have hit her. Sad for who exactly? Certainly not me and DH who tell each other all the time that we made the right decision.

Our niece doesn't want children (she is 28) and I doubt very much she will change her mind. Her mum is perfectly fine with it but her MIL is a different story.

morality, so why is childrens entertainer an odd career choice? It's perfectly possible to like children but not want any.

I like children but I never wanted any of my own. Overpopulation, health risks, big chance of marriage breaking down etc etc etc. Better to stick to other peoples children

I'm actually horrified there seem so many people who think it's "selfish" for their children to act as autonomous people rather than their parents' playthings put on this earth to fulfil their parents' wants and desires before their own.

Surely that's the only truly selfish position to hold?

What am I missing?

I think it's natural and understandable to feel sadness and disappointment and grief and any number of other things if you had hoped for grandchildren, and as long as those feelings aren't used as an excuse to pressure or harangue anyone there's nothing wrong with having those feelings. I feel for anyone struggling with that.

But to call someone selfish for not "providing" grandchildren? That's a bit sick.

mydog people assume you can't have children, it's not a choice is it ? not everyone wants kids and people should accept that, keeping their own counsel.

Just jumping on here to say the I’d be careful about urging your daughter to adopt.
I’m an adopter and it’s been a nightmare. DD1, 17, has just been in court again for assaulting me, and DD2, 15, has mental health problems. Last weekend they smashed up the house and DD2 self harmed quite badly.
I know a lot of adopters and these problems are not uncommon. I would hesitate in urging anyone to adopt these days when children tend to come from very troubled backgrounds, as my two did.

wannabe gp can always buy one of those creepy 'living, breathing' dolls to fuss over if they're that desperate. real children are not things to dress up and play with.

YANBU. It’s nothing to do with your friends or family. I’d try not to engage if the subject comes up. I absolutely do not get the idea of ‘giving parents grandchildren’ or it being selfish not to do so. surely women don’t have children as a present for their parents but because they just want to have children. It’s a crazy concept imo. I adore my GC and they are the biggest source of joy in my life but like you I’d never have wanted my DD to have children to please other people.

They may well change their mind but so what if they dont. I think to have children is wonderful which is why I have them but if my daughter told me she didn't want them I would be quite excited at all the things she can do in her life without the responsibility of kids.
Youl have to ignore the comments, they will stop soon hopefully.

Have you got experience with adoption thethethethethe ? I have, and I’m afraid I wouldn’t be recommending it.

I understand people telling you not to worry and that she will change her mind,because most people do want grandchildren (I don't particularly yet,but I'm sure I will one day) and the chances are that she will change her mind, but I would have something to say if anyone told me that my child was selfish and controlling simply for not wanting kids I would not be accepting of that. Why are you polite to people who are rude about your daughter OP?

Some people feel an implied criticism if others choose lives which are very different to thier own, I think that is the root of some of the objections

Hmm, I suppose if somebody hadn't actually wanted children but felt they had no choice but to "provide grandchildren" for their own parents, especially if they had struggled as a result, they might not cope brilliantly with the feelings brought up by learning somebody else was being "allowed" to opt out of that "duty".

No excuse to actually call people selfish or pressure them, etc. But it might explain the completely illogical accusation of selfishness.

Neither of my DS who are in their thirties intends having children. I honestly don't mind - but according to other relatives (with whom we are now NC) I was just saying this in order to not make them feel bad.

Funny how people I hardly ever saw or talked to knew my own mind better than I did - and felt entitled to pressurise my children on my (supposed) behalf.

@moralitym1n1

“Just wait til she hits late 30s. It's like someone pumps you full of some sort of sex/reproduction steroid (tmi sorry). Nature is a wily and vastly powerful thing.”

Please don’t spout bullshit like this. Some will decide in their 30s (or indeed any age) that they’ve changed their mind, hormone driven or otherwise, and others won’t. It’s not a given and crap like this gives weight to the whole “Oh, you’ll change your mind!!” mindset.

Mine are in their late 20s and don’t plan on having children. Not only am I not upset, I’m secretly pleased. Too many people on the planet already, and I don’t fancy being a grandparent even though I like children.
Secretly pleased in case they change their minds and need my support.

My decision to have DC certainly didn't take my parents' wishes into account!

I was astounded when we were announcing pg how this was even a thing – though it turned out there was some expectations along these lines.

I found it really odd my MIL instead and told people al the kids were "accidents" because we didn't announce TTC.

"Why can't people just accept that some women just don't want children and are happy with the decision they have made. As I said I'm perfectly happy not to have grandkids because I respect that it's my girls wish not to have children"

as a childfree woman - exactly! My parents also heard shit from people "feeling sorry" for them. It's bloody ridiculous.

there's new research out about single childfree women being the happiest demographic - maybe tell them that.

My DM complained about her friend's selfish daughter (an only child) who told her friend she wasn't going to have any children. I put her straight right there and then, it's her own bloody business and she's the one who'd have to raise them. I'm sure these parents who want grandchildren so much would complain about their children taking the piss if they wanted help with childcare and financial assistance all the time!

Incidentally children's entertainment if quite an odd choice of profession for someone who doesn't want any kids ever, or is that just me?

Being content to be around something and interact with it doesn’t mean you must be desperate for it or trying to overcompensate for not wanting it. No one would say it’s odd a surgeon who would prefer not to have cancer operates on tumours or that it’s odd a zookeeper doesn’t want a lion at home.