to be ok to not want grandkids

[danmthatonestakentryanotheer]

My Dd (27) informed me months ago that she and her Dp have decided that they do not want children (they've been together since uni). She is a children's entertainer so doesn't "hate" them, she just doesn't feel the need to have any of her own and neither does he. I am absolutely fine about this as,imo, it's their choice, their life. Recently the topic of grandchildren came up during a lunch with friends and when I mentioned that dd had chosen not to have kids I was met with comments like "oh she'll change her mind don't worry" and " she's so selfish you must be terribly upset" I politely repied that no I wasn't upset but glad that she wasn't going to have them to please other people. It's not just friends that have been this way, family have been the worst....I'm fed up of being pitied, of hearing my dd being called selfish, of horrible remarks about her "controlling" dp, (he's not controlling btw way he's a lovely man who worships her). Why can't people just accept that some women just don't want children and are happy with the decision they have made. As I said I'm perfectly happy not to have grandkids because I respect that it's my girls wish not to have children

I believed my elder DD when she was 27 and she said she didn't want children, why wouldn't I?

She's 34 now and she still doesn't want children, is it okay to believe her now stucknoue

25% of women do not have kids. Some of those will not be by choice, but that still leaves a lot of women who choose not to have kids.

I feel the same OP my DS and DIL are getting on for 40 and don't want children and I'm secretly going hooray.
We all love cats and I have two beautiful grandcats.

a lunch with friends and when I mentioned that dd had chosen not to have kids I was met with comments like "oh she'll change her mind don't worry" and " she's so selfish you must be terribly upset" I politely repied that no I wasn't upset but glad that she wasn't going to have them to please other people.

I'm always fascinated when people relate conversations on here, especially when with friends. Did you really say that? If I were with my friends and they said something similar I'd just laugh and say "don't be daft" or "I'll remind you of that when you are babysitting for the 100th time" or "nowt to do with me, her choice" and wouldn't think anything else about it. I can't imagine being so formal with my friends.

Of course it's ok. My DD is 18 and has always said she doesn't want DC and yes she is young and has the right to change her mind and I totally support whatever she decides. I had my DC and am looking forward to the next stage of my life. I have friends who are waiting for grandchildren and I think that tis strange.

At 27 I would be pretty confident that she will change her mind!

@stucknoue, you have absolutely no idea whether she will or won't. Assuming that you know someone else's mind better than they do is, and diminishing their decisions because it doesn't fit in with how you think about things is incredibly fucking patronising.

I think OP's reply is perfectly ok and informal.

At 27 I would be pretty confident that she will change her mind! Many a career minded woman I knew at 27 by 38 was fretting they couldn't find mr right or had and were having ivf. Not everyone wants kids but I would wait until she's at least 35 until you actually believe her.

How patronising! Is it only wanting kids that you feel women don't know their own minds about? I knew when I was 13 that I didn't want kids, I've just turned 41 and still have absolutely no desire.

YANBU. If your dd doesnt want dcs I think that is a blessing.

I don't particularly want grandchildren.
Dd is only 17 but not a fan of children, of course she may have them and I'd be happy for her, and I'm sure I'd be a good Gran, but it's honestly not something I yearn for, or imagine in my future.
If she has several I'm not babysitting often either, I only had one for a reason.

My mum has three grandchildren from me and dh. She is terminally ill and disabled and she has said many times she is sad she may never get to see my brothers children if he has any.... he's 24 at mo and currently has no interest in kids anyway.
Mil is always nagging sil when she is going to get married and have kids, she's 31.

I think it's ok to be happy to have grandchildren or disappointed to not. Everyone is entitled to feel however they want to, but it's not ok to pressure your children one way or the other! It is after all their decision and as a parent of adult children you have to respect their choices.

These stories told are always anecdotal about people preferences and choices.

Long and the short of it, we are little more than animals, our job is to arrive, procreate, nurse until the litter is self sufficient, then shuffle off. Genes perpetuated, job done.

On to the anecdotes. I have two sets of friends who didn't have children. Set A chose not to because of medical issues, Set B chose not to because they liked the child free lifestyle.

Fast forward 50+ years, Set A have a lovely life, devoted to each other still, involved in the church, so any 'gaps' have been filled by being uncle/aunt, god parents etc. They are satisfied with their life. On the other hand Set B, now regret deeply that they have nothing to fill their life with, yes they had the holidays and the trappings of wealth but in reality they are very lonely and cant join in conversations with their peers about grandchildren. Oh they tried ;adopting' ours as surrogates but lack of actual ability to parent and interact appropriately with children means that failed.

As they say, no pockets in shrouds, and all they have is their bank accounts to console them - and memories of the QE2 circa 1970 when it might have been something special.

Of course no everyone with children is a decent parent, and being a parent is no guarantee of your children actually bothering to spend time with you in old age either . I see a lot of neglected old folks in my line of work, usually the adult children refusing any care for their parents because they might have to pay out for it, they circle when a death is pending and they want to get their hands on money.

Neither of my DD's want children and younger than yours. Climate change and the consequences.
One did, now decided against, other one never has.
I have told them to do whatever they want and don't let others interfere.
It's endlessly astounding on MN how parents and in laws try to foist opinions on adult DC

I don’t think being a children’s entertainer would have any bearing on whether you want kids or not - I work with kids and am pretty indifferent to having them myself and I know a number of child free teachers, if anything I sometimes think working with kids is more likely to put you off!

Also, I’ve never said to my mum that I don’t want kids cos i’m not sure if I do or not but she knows better than to pull any guilt trip, she did a very mild one once talking about a friends grandkids and I replied along the lines of ‘oh well sucks to be you eh.’

My teenage DD insists that she never wants children. As long as she is happy, then I am happy.
For those of you saying that young women will change their minds, I had 2 friends at school who stated that they would never have children. Neither has, and both have happy, fullfilling lives.

@Moralitym1n1

My hormones and feelings must be defective then cos I've got to 40 and nope still no maternal rush of needing to procreate!

Oh and I have worked with children my whole adult life. They are amazing to work with and my vocation is so rewarding too, however I'm also very happy to go to a home without children. I have had family and friends children in my life throughout my life and I love them dearly but also have been happy to hand them back. I've seen how hard parenthood is and Its just not for me or my relationship. I don't understand why some find it so difficult to understand this? I fully understand others wanting kids why can some accept some of us don't? Life isn't just about that.....

The world is already full of people so it's a good job some of us choose not to have kids so yours have a better chance on this vulnerable planet.

I would have been perfectly happy if my DCs had chosen not to have children, providing that decision had been freely made and was their own as well as their partners'.

Actually, it would have meant that I would be off the hook from babysitting duties, so life would have been a lot calmer and I would have had far more opportunities to do the things that I wanted!

Yes, yes OP!! God I hate this. I've said it loud several times over the years, and to my DCs that of course it's up to them, but I don't need grandchildren.

When I've said no I not looking forward to, nor do I need grandchildren to other people, particularly women, in my age group I get looks of horror along with "oh of coooouuuurse you will" or "you say that now but of course you'll want DS's xyz to have them

The thing is I love children, I do. And given the choice without limits I'd likely have had 5 minimum. But I'm now done. Having and raising children takes a toll. It's the sort of toll, but its a toll none-the-less. Amid all the joy, it's a financial, emotional, and physical strain.

Perhaps I'm selfish, but I am in no hurry for my dcs to have GC. I've done my bit. If it happens I'll be there. But I'm equally ok now trying to focus on my life and focusing on those parts I've neglected.

I am the only one on my dad side that had children, my brother and cousins didn’t have children so is my children don’t have children that will be the end of his family line , which is sad, i’m 50 at the moment and I would prefer not to have grand children but maybe in 10 years time I might change my view

When I've said no I not looking forward to, nor do I need grandchildren to other people, particularly women, in my age group I get looks of horror along with "oh of coooouuuurse you will" or "you say that now but of course you'll want DS's xyz to have them

That's what riles me beyond belief, the " I'm sure she'll change her mind don't worry" or even worse is the " how sad you must be devastated". I'm not a violent person but the urge to punch them when they say that is stronger than my girls maternal instinct

You're supporting what your daughter wants, much better than making her feel guilty about not wanting kids. If be fine if any of mine decided the same.

My children are both young adults. My son is 22 and my daughter is nearly 20. My son says he definitely wants children and my daughter isn't sure yet, although she does love babies and children. I am perfectly happy with whatever they decide, and I wouldn't dream of interfering in their decision. Honestly, I don't care if I'm ever a grandmother or not.

I'm the same OP. None of mine are showing any inclination to have children and it's fine by me. Just as fine if they do have them.

Lots of my friends don't have DC, so they won't be having DGC ether. If I'm honest I find them better company, conversation with the others tends to revolve around their grandchildren and childcare these days, which is fine but not very interesting to me.

It cuts both ways though, I'm sure it's nicer for the grandparents to be with other grandparents so they can show off to each other!

My Dc are teens and the important thing for me as they grow up is that they are generally happy, and are not plagued with illness / stress and everything generally goes Ok for them. That's more important really.