Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

[Ifonly86]

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP

It is unimaginably selfish and hurtful of your friend to do this. The fact she didn't tell you beforehand means she knew what your reaction would be. She chose to do it anyway so she has ended this friendship not you. You deserve much more from a friend than this.

Yanbu at all.

I’m going to take a guess that your husband was Tom and she’s used the name Thomas..?

I was thinking the same when I was considering if I would ever use a name of my friend's husbands.

For example (not top 20) I would have considered Matthew for a boy but I don't know my friend's husband as Matthew, I've only ever known him as Matt and I'm not sure at what point I would have made the link.

William and Will is another example.

But if it's not that then I just think it's a bit strange to name your child after someone you know quite well unless it was purposely in tribute. I ruled loads of names out because they reminded me of people I knew or disliked!

Yanbu

She’s your best friend, you’ve lost your Dh only 18 months ago. She really is totally out of order and I can very much understand why you’d want to distance yourself from her.

Also the fact she you found out on Facebook is unforgivable.

My deepest sympathies for your loss,life can be very cruel and to lose your husband very young is a terrible blow.As far as your friend is concerned ,sometimes people just dont think ,she may have always liked the name, and just thought it may please you that her boy will have the same name as your DH had.If she is a good friend of 15 years, then it would be madness to throw that away at such a difficult time .Send her card and say you will pop to see her when she has a chance to recover from the birth .That will give you a week or so to come to terms with it .Have a chat to your Mum or Sister other friends and so on ,see how you feel then .

Oh sweetheart you will feel fine about it in a while. It's one of those odd irrational responses that we can't quite explain but it so powerful. Could she have thought you'd be touched?

I'm sorry to hear you've not had much support. Your HV should be able to put you in touch with some places that can help. I know as I had a bit of a breakdown triggered by family illness and HV gave me a lot of info on local groups etc which made me feel more connected and opened up new friendships.

My sons are named after their grandads, and I’d have given them those names even if either of them were of significance to a friend-it probably wouldn’t even cross my mind, to be honest, as I’d have linked them to my dad/father-in-law rather than to anyone else, so I wouldn’t be doing it to hurt anyone but to honour the grandads. Is there any chance it’s something like this?

Maybe she loved the name for ages, but knowing you and your husband wanted that name for your future son she didnt consider it because you'd already essentially called dibs on the name. Nobody owns a name, but then you had already claimed the name and once a friend does that it's really awkward if the name they claim is the name you are thinking of.

She should have really spoken to you and not ignored your messages, but some people aren't sure how to handle sensitive topics. It could be clumsy.

I can see it from your perspective though. Grief is horrible, however taking the view that there is malice in it is only going yo exacerbate an already tough time for you.

Ifonly86 I am so very sorry for your loss and cannot imagine the upheavals you've had over the past 18 months.

I'm joining the chorus of people saying YANBU. It beggars belief that anyone thinks what your friend has done falls within any definition of reasonable.

And for all those saying that OP is being unreasonable or overly sensitive - tell me, how does the disappointment OP's friend might feel over having to choose an alternate name to that of her best friend's recently deceased husband compare with the ongoing devastating grief that OP experiences probably almost daily? If OP's friend had always loved the name and had long held onto the hope of naming a future child with it, don't you think she would have mentioned it sometime during the 15 YEARS she knew OP, especially once OP's husband was on the scene and definitely when they discussed OP naming a child after him?!! Not a peep in all that time over a name she just had to use? I don't think so. This is a relatively recent decision by OP's friend and she has bungled it badly.

(I'm usually a lurker, but OP your thread made me sign up and post for the first time, even just to outnumber the people saying that your friend has done nothing wrong and you won't even care about this in 10 years )

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. Your friend may have been uncertain how to broach the subject with you, for fear of upsetting you/losing your friendship... but the point is that she should have spoken to/warned you about the name choice for her baby.

My son has the masculine version of my oldest friend's name. When I was expecting him, I asked her if she'd mind my using the name for him - she said "no" and how delighted she was by my choice. When she was pregnant with her son 10 years later, she asked me if I/my son would mind if she named him by the shortened version of my son's name. In essence, I suppose she didn't have to ask as - technically - she was naming her son after herself... but the point is that even though we've been friends for 40 years, we still respect one another enough to ask.

Your friend of 15 years should have done likewise, IMO. She must have known you'd be upset about it - but how much more upset are you, because you found out in a social media post?! She might love the name, it might have been a clumsy attempt at honouring your husband, it might purely have been coincidental... but friendship is about communication, isn't it? Mutual respect for one another's feelings? Whilst I wouldn't lose the friendship over this, I know that if a friend of mine did similar, to me? It would certainly tarnish how I felt towards them for a very long time, if not, indeed, forever.

for your loss, OP.

I completely understand why you are upset and you are NBU. So sorry for your loss.

know that if a friend of mine did similar, to me? It would certainly tarnish how I felt towards them for a very long time, if not, indeed, forever.

Either the friend did or didn't mean to upset the op. I'm assuming the latter from the ops post.

So sorry for your loss xx

Your friend was unreasonable to not discuss it with you.

I've not had much luck naming my children dd - was pregnant same time as one of my best friends and due dates were the same time. She went into hospital had her dd ( pre social media so didn't even know it had happened ) 2 days later I went and had my dd - we both ended up giving the girls the same name. We had talked about names during pregnancies but the name we had both picked wasn't one either of us had considered and wasn't even a top 20 name it was just a weird coincidence and we laughed about it.

Dd middle names are family names that she shares with a lot of her cousins and a couple of aunts.

Ds was different and did cause a falling out - my dad died whilst I was expecting so obviously I wanted to name my son after him - really popular name. A couple of years earlier a friend had a stillborn son and called him this name - to be honest when I named my son I didn't even think about that. She thought I was being disrespectful and stolen her name and wouldn't see why I had wanted to choose it.

Either the friend did or didn't mean to upset the op. I'm assuming the latter from the ops post.

The issue for me headinhands would be that a "best friend" has that place in my life because they have been through a range of experiences with me abd understand the way I think and feel. Even if the hurt of the name was unintentional, it would indicate to me that she doesnt really know me that well. If she can get something so fundamentally wrong, the trust in the friendship would be damaged.

@practicallyperfectwithprosecco I think that's slightly different in that you had a genuine reason for using the name. Unless OP's friend had a reason, beyond just liking the name, then I still think she's been incredibly thoughtless.

A couple of years earlier a friend had a stillborn son and called him this name - to be honest when I named my son I didn't even think about that. She thought I was being disrespectful and stolen her name and wouldn't see why I had wanted to choose it.

She was possibly also hurt that you just 'forgot' her DS. I wonder if you would have made the link if he had survived and had been in your every day life. Tbh whilst I understand you wanting to use the name, I'd be hurt that you hadn't even thought about how it would affect me if my child had been stillborn. Presumably there was no discussion with her about it beforehand if it had never crossed your mind.

I understand how you feel op. When I was pregnant with my son, I made it clear I intended to call him after my dead brother. My cousin (who didn’t have a kind word to say about my brother) got in there first. My brothers name was also my father’s and grandfathers name. My son being the first grandson born to carry on the tradition. Also, my father’s family is NOT my cousins family, it’s our mothers who are sisters and my parents are long divorced. She made it clear she had named him in “tribute” despite knowing it was my intention. To add insult to injury my other cousin had a girl and gave her mine and my bothers surname as her first name! Again, having very vocally disliked my bother and again, NOT being part of my father’s family! I found it incredibly distressing and distasteful. I was so upset by their grief grabbing, opportunistic behaviour (they did it to curry favour from my family) I called my son something else and haven’t spoken to them since. And as it happens, my son is the living image of my dearly departed brother. Sending best wishes. Sometimes a name is far, far more than just a name.

@practicallyperfectwithprosecco it's your friend who was being cheeky if she knew your dad's name. She shouldn't have mentioned it and implied her hurt comes first. Grief shouldn't be competitive.

OP your friend's behaviour is incomprehensible without some seriously extenuating circumstances. In which case- just tell you what they are. And I am guessing you would know her well enough to know what they might be, if they exist?

If she has some but feels like regardless you would never be able to see her point of view and it's a line in the sand for her whatever the cost to the friendship then that is an alternative scenario I guess.

All I would do is sleep on it for a few days before raising it with her. See how you feel then. Inevitably- I would find myself rethinking the reality of the friendship.

OP I am really sorry.

Yes I think it's a shitty thing to do and the fact she didn't tell you the baby was born etc kind of says she knew full well how you'd feel.

Fact it's a top 20 name makes no difference. It's worse if anything -these are hardly 'unique' names and I would argue it would be easier to decide not to go with one of them than perhaps a one-off name you'd always wanted. Others I'm sure would disagree on that though.

What would I do - just not contact her. I bet she won't contact you either, for the record. I find it hard to believe she's a true friend, or if she was, she's shown she's not now. Your instinct says that too (the person who's known her for 20 odd years). The friendship is kind of over, isn't it? It's done now and nothing will be able to change the fact that she made this decision, nothing can change the fact that her son is now called that and you won't be able to be with her and him without feeling wretched about it so what's even the point of talking to her about it?

I think it's time to protect your own feelings and move on. And to not be made to feel you should apologise for the way this has made you feel, which will UNDOUBTEDLY end up being the dynamic if you contact her and she's there with cute little baby in her arms etc.

Just detach.

I am very sorry about your DH

Obviously you’re not being unreasonable. The behaviour of so many so-called best friends I read about here really saddens me.

So sorry about your husband OP.

We didn't use a name for dc we both liked because it was the name of a friend who died in an accident and we thought it would too upsetting for their partner.

YANBU at all OP. There are plenty of beautiful names out there she could have chosen and didn't. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Sorry for your loss

Yanbu and I'm sorry for your terrible loss

I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally.

This part of your OP has stood out for me. Why have you had no support?

This woman you say is your best friend of 15 years?? Has she not been there emotionally to help you through this?

I think it was really inappropriate for her to;

1). Choose that name knowing it was your husband's name who has now passed away
2). Would have been your ds name had you been able to conceive before dh death
3). Not discuss it with you at all, avoid the subject then announcing the name on FB

That behaviour would lead me to believe she is not your BF. No one owns s name, no but in the circumstances you have outlined here she has been heartless and deliberately hurtful.
It is not her place to be naming her child in tribute to your dh, and certainly never without including you and your dd in the decision.

I'm sorry. You have every right to feel how you feel. Unfortunately sometimes it's during the worst times in our lives when we realise who our real friends are.

I hope you find some support and healing going forward

A couple of years earlier a friend had a stillborn son and called him this name - to be honest when I named my son I didn't even think about that. She thought I was being disrespectful and stolen her name and wouldn't see why I had wanted to choose it.

You say she didn’t see but do you see why she was upset? I think it’s understandable you would want to use the name but not good form that you had forgotten about her son. She seemingly didn’t realise it was your father’s name either so you were as bad as each other IMO

A couple of years earlier a friend had a stillborn son and called him this name - to be honest when I named my son I didn't even think about that. She thought I was being disrespectful and stolen her name and wouldn't see why I had wanted to choose it

I think YWBU and not a good Friend.
You could have used it as a second name instead. You are similar to the op’s friend imo