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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

359 replies

Ifonly86 · 07/06/2019 18:26

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:
Coldilox · 07/06/2019 22:08

If I had been a boy I was going to be called the same name as my godmother’s first son who died of SIDS aged 4 weeks. But y mum us spoken to her in advance and asked for permission, and absolutely would have chosen a different name if it was an issue. As it was, my godmother loved the idea, but it was a moot point anyway as I was a girl.

I think this is horribly insensitive, just presenting it to you as a fait accompli and not even acknowledging your husband

willstarttomorrow · 07/06/2019 22:10

I am actually finding this thread quite upsetting. I have a dead husband and child and it has never once occurred to me that other children with their names is a source for anger. DH had quite a traditional name but this was passed down and will always be popular. It is a family name and it is lovely it continues. DS had a traditional but little used name as does DD. I love it when I encounter people with the same names and we talk about why they are named as they are and the reasons behind it. The love and thought behind their parent choosing the name is wonderful. Rather than feeling upset someone else has used the same name I feel joy thay someone else thinks it is an amazing name too! I understand that lots of people posting are grieving but we are not grieving for a name but the person who owned that name and made it their own.

Atalune · 07/06/2019 22:13

op ignore thighs stupid stupid comment.

thigh I hope that the bottom doesn’t fall out your world like that, and if it ever should someone who doesn’t know you from dot, asks you if your best friend was in love with your husband.

Shame on you. Sad

Atalune · 07/06/2019 22:14

willstart I know what you mean, but what you describe is an open conversation. That’s not what’s happened here.

foreverhanging · 07/06/2019 22:16

Sorry op but I don't think that she's your friend. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. She could have done it so respectfully if she had wanted the name. Quiet word, not even asking permission, just giving you a heads up. The fact she's ignored you means she knows she is wrong. I think it's terrible behaviour from someone you are so close to.

Ginger1982 · 07/06/2019 22:17

I still can't get over people saying she probably 'didn't realise!' She's meant to be the OP's best friend! How could she not 'realise?'

AnotherEmma · 07/06/2019 22:21

"On what planet is anyone on here to actually try and justify this."
On Planet AIBU, apparently Angry

ScottishDoll
What an unforgivably insensitive thing for her to do. I am very sorry for your loss and the ongoing pain she has caused you Flowers

S1naidSucks · 07/06/2019 22:25

willstarttomorrow, I’m in similar circumstances, but there really isn’t any comparison between our circumstances and the OPs. I am sorry that you’ve gone through the loss of your husband too.

TheDarkPassenger · 07/06/2019 22:29

I don’t really buy into the whole thing on here about baby names and first come first serve and who cares if cousins have the same name blah blah but then I guess I’ve never been massively attached to a name it’s always been sort of a range and see what goes when the kid pops out. The only name me and my partner agreed on for our little girl was very very similar to my little boys cousin on his dads side (one letter different) her mum (ex sil who I’m still close to) said it’s fine don’t be daft but I just thought it was ridiculous and we had to chose another name, it wasn’t the end of the world. She popped out and we named her after my deceased auntie... I informed my uncle though and he deffo wasn’t planning to use the name with her (he’s 66) what your friend did was utterly and completely wrong in my opinion, and she clearly didn’t give a toss about you and your feelings at all. How cruel Sad

lotusbell · 07/06/2019 22:29

I'm so sorry you have lost your husband and your daughter has lost her daddy. I think the fact your friend clammed up when you asked, coupled with the fact she didn't tell you she was in labour and had then given birth speaks volumes. If you found out via Facebook along with her 300+ FB contacts then I suspect your close friendship is rather one sided. If she had loved the name and intended on using it as a tribute she would surely have discussed with you. What was her behaviour towards you when your husband died? You said you had little support etc. Flowers

hopelessatthinkingupusernames · 07/06/2019 22:33

That’s awful. Our son has the middle names of a couple of relatives who had died but I checked that it wouldn’t upset anyone before we used the names.

Everytime you see that baby it will remind you of the child you never got to have. What a way for a so called friend to stick the knife in. Hope you’re okay OP

nothingtowearever · 07/06/2019 22:34

YANBU I don't care how much I loved the name I'd find another! Hope you're ok xx

PurpleDaisies · 07/06/2019 22:37

Every time you see that baby it will remind you of the child you never got to have.

Not necessarily. It’s harder when it’s a theoretical child that you don’t know as a person yet.

willstarttomorrow · 07/06/2019 22:43

Artalune I do not think think that I have articulated this well. We do not own names but we do own the memories of those we love. I am finding the anger and spite when a name has been used again hard to understand. I have been consumed by grief and totally irrational but the hatred towards others using the same or a similar name? Surely people should name their children as they choose just as we did?

CoastalWave · 07/06/2019 22:44

Seriously. There are thousands of names out there. Plenty I disregarded (lovely as they were ) because they reminded me of someone/DH's ex's names/kids I'd taught etc etc.

You do not call your newborn after your friend's recently lost husband.

Beyond shitty thing to do . There's no way she did it as a tribute because if she was doing it in a kind way, the OP would have known about it beforehand.

She is no friend of yours. You need to tell her what impact it has had on her. Don't let it eat you up.

1moremum · 07/06/2019 22:44

I am sorry for your loss.

Those top 20 names for men have been pretty consistent for decades, that the name has meaning to them from their own family and friend circle, besides your husband is fairly high. I suspect you are right, she didn't tell you because she expected you might be bothered, but the truth is she should have told you in advance for exactly that reason.

Atalune · 07/06/2019 22:56

will I agree with you, completely. And if the friend in this situation had said oh look we love this name and we hope you view it as a tribute not as a pain.

I truly think what you’re describing is a beautiful thing. But also so very different from what the op is experiencing.

I’m sorry you’ve suffered the loss of a partner. That’s a pain unimaginable Flowers

BatShite · 07/06/2019 23:02

YWBVVVU to end the friendship over this, and yes I think you are being too sensitive. Its a name. She likes the name for whatever reason. Noone has ownership of a name. I am so sorry for what happened to your husband and can understand you being over sensitive and how this might have hurt you, but unless you think she purposely did it to spite you or something then, of course you shouldn't end your friendship because a friend named her child the same as your husband.

Maybe83 · 07/06/2019 23:03

I agree this is one of the nastiest things I have read on here.

She knew you be upset that's why she didnt tell you.

I would be so hurt and probably cut her out because I would never feel the same about our friendship again.

Maybe83 · 07/06/2019 23:08

For all the posters saying your being too sensitive what utter bullshit.

I cant imagine the devastation of my best friend becoming a young widow with a small child who in the middle of trying to conceive loses her husband.

On top of that she confided in me they planned to call their son if lucky enough to have one after her husband.

Then a few months later I get pregnant and think to my self I know il use that name out of the millions of names available in the world. All while my best friend of 15 years is mourning the life she had and the future she thought she would have. What a kind and caring and compassionate friend that would make me.

Or in the real world its utter bullshit and she is an insensitive fuckwit.

Pinkvoid · 07/06/2019 23:22

Sad YANBU at all. It’s crass at best, you deserve better friends. Sorry for your loss Flowers.

MiniMum97 · 07/06/2019 23:40

How thoughtless, uncaring and possibly even cruel. She doesn't sound like much of a friend. And the way she did it indicates she knew you'd be upset but did it anyway. That's no way to test someone you care about.

Personally that would end the friendship for me.

💐

BackforGood · 07/06/2019 23:54

I am really sorry for your loss. Understandably, you will still be grieving, and a natural part of the grieving process is irrational anger, or anger that is out of proportion. Consciously, or sub-consciously, part of your friend's decision will be because your dh was a lovely man. You don't use a name you like, however much you like it, if it makes you think of someone you din't like, but you lean towards a name when thinking of someone who also had that name, makes you smile.
Your friend was insensitive in not talking to you about it first, but I can sort of understand it to some extent if she wanted to use it anyway.
I think you would be silly to end the friendship over this. She is clearly a close and long standing friend, and with all that has happened to you, the support of friends who know what you have been through is invaluable.
I think your anger is your grief. That is completely understandable.

Oohgossip · 07/06/2019 23:54

I’m going to take a guess that your husband was Tom and she’s used the name Thomas..?

If something like this, she may not have even made the link....

mybeebop · 08/06/2019 00:06

YANBU. I know a lady (not close friend) who lost her husband. When my son was born I wouldn’t have dreamed of using her husbands name! She’s not even a close friend of mine! There are so many other names. She’s your best friend! She should have been more sensitive. Then to announce it on Facebook.. is she really a best friend? She doesn’t sound it!

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