Friend used my husband’s name for her baby

[Ifonly86]

Name change to post this as it could be outing.
My husband and I were ttc before he sadly passed away from an undetected heart problem 18 months ago.
I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with and I have had no support mentally or emotionally. We have one child a girl aged 3. We planned to call our first son after him if we ever had a boy. Of course this never happened.
My best friend of 15 years has just given birth to her son this morning and announced his name as being my husbands name.
I’m finding this so difficult all I have done today is cry, even in front of customers at work so I had to be sent home. It feels very insensitive of her as she knows how special the name is to me and I don’t know how I can move on from this. It wasn’t brought up during her pregnancy, she told me the name she’d picked for a girl but said she didn’t have one for a boy, I now assume she just hid the truth.
I congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and changed the subject. I don’t think I have the strength to see her and meet her son or watch him grow up.
Just to clarify she did know my husband during the 8 years we had been together and was my maid of honour at our wedding, she knew we were ttc and planned to use his name if we had a son, the name is also in the top 20 so I understand I will come across it often.
Aibu to end this friendship? Am I being too sensitive?

This has made me feel really emotional. So sorry OP . Yes, no one owns a name but there are a million different names out there. No matter how much I loved a name, I just wouldn’t do this. And if she simply had to, she should have addressed this with you. You are NOT BU and please distance yourself from this so called friend. Xx

The only circumstances where I think her behaviour would be excusable is if that name was also her father's name or a deceased relative she was very close to and wanted to honour. If that was the case she ought to have talked to you.
I agree that she knows this is not appropriate and has chosen to do it anyway, hence not giving you the respect of discussing it first.
In her slight defence, maybe she didn't tell you about the labour and birth because she knows you were ttc and she didn't want to upset you further by sharing all the details of her own Pg.

I think she’s behaved absolutely appallingly and I cannot comprehend the thinking and justification behind it. I’m sorry op, any hurt and upset you feel is more than understandable. x

Agree with the posters who say it's not the name; it's the fact she didn't talk to you about it before and also won't talk to you about it since. I used the same name as my cousin and as well as the announcement I followed it up with a 'so sorry to have used the same name but it means a lot to us too and I hope there's no hard feelings' The response was magnanimous and we've reminded friends with the two girls good friends. But it's partly because I acknowledged the choice I made affected her.

Thin I think that is one of the nastiest things I've ever read on here, and that's saying something! What a horrific thing to suggest to an already grieving and upset poster.

YANBU OP.
Agree the fact she said they hadn’t chosen a name if it was a boy was probably a lie.

You also say you “congratulated her and casually ask why the name choice, she completely ignored me and chranged the subject.” Think this shows she definetly wasn’t using the name as a tribute to your dh. She would have said if it was.

She knew this would upset you, hence why she didn’t tell you. I think this shows complete disregard to how you would feel. A best friend cares about your feelings! This person obviously doesn’t and isn’t even a good friend, never mind a best friend!!
I would message her now and tell her how much this has upset you and you can’t understand why she didn’t tell you they intended to call a boy this when you discussed names?

I’m afraid I would have to cool the friendship too. Very shitty behaviour on her part!!

Agree with every word of Malyshek post - friend may have talked herself into thinking OP would appreciate the “tribute”, but when she realised OP was in fact upset by it decided she didn’t want a confrontation just after giving birth (be honest, does anyone, unless it’s MIL who insists on smoking around PFB?). A little bit cowardly perhaps but I very much doubt there is any malice in it.

Your 'friend' knows exactly what she is doing, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I wouldn't be seeing her again, life's too short.

I think she's been very insensitive. If she had sat down with you and said, 'we would like to call our baby X, would it upset you if we did?' then you would have had time to assimilate the idea rather than having it come as a shock. Presenting you with a fait accompli is not kind.

I think if she spoke to you first and used it as a middle name it would of been ok. I know people that had a baby in similar circumstances and they gave the baby the middle name of the man that had died, again very young and sudden. Which was ok and is a nice way to remember him.
I think the way she’s gone about it is awful and she will live to regret it. She knows she’s wrong which is why she’s she’s been so spineless about it. She should of sat down and spoken to you about it.

Of all the boys names in the world, she had to choose her close friends husband's, who died suddenly, who would have used it had they had a son.

On what planet is anyone on here to actually try and justify this.

OP, I cannot even contemplate the shock, grief, and sheer disbelief that you must still be feeling 18 months on from your husband's death.

Frankly, may God forgive her for her utterly heartless, thoughtless decision to add further pain to your load.

I wish you strength to somehow get through this shitshow.

I am really sorry to go against the grain here, and as previously posted I have exprienced a vary similar loss to OP and have some understanding of her grief and triggers. But for everyone saying that the friend is a complete cow and to dump her? She and her partner have chosen the name they want their child to have growing up. Just like everyone else and saying they have hundreds of other names to choose from is disengenious. We all settle on the names for our children because that is the right name and it is not a decision anyone comes to lightly. The issue here is that OP has not been prepared for the name announcement and her friend has not been willing/able to sit down and talk through that this is upsetting. She is early in her grief and her friend has displayed insensitivity on a massive scale. She is though totally within her rights to name her child as she wants and should not be expected to settle on a name she she does not really want. It is not about the name, it is about the lack of communication and understanding what this means to OP.

So sorry for your loss OP. There’s a number of hurtful things here. Finding out through Facebook. The name itself and the meaning to you. Not responding to your question regarding the name choice.
I also wonder what your wider circle of friends think of the name choice. I would just feel confusion.
When i discussed our favourite name for a boy with my DSIL she mentioned that this name was the name should would have chosen if she had had another son. Sensitive subject as we all knew she wanted one more child and her husband didn’t. My first response was that we would choose a different name. She said no, we could have the name. I made sure she was certain and she said she was. We went ahead with the name and I partly wish I hadn’t. It’s only now he is here that I realise it must still sting for her. Even though she said it was fine.
I can’t see any other option other then to discuss this with her. I’m sure she will be defensive and use some excuse, however I think she has been sly and sneaky about the whole thing.

No-one chooses a name the moment a baby's born though, the friend will have known she was having a baby and intending to use the name. Even if she was set on it, there is a way to tell your dear friend you will be using the name without letting her find out on FB and then skirting the issue like it's nothing. I'm sorry for your loss OP and I'm sorry your friend has treated you badly under these circumstances.

willstart I totally agree with you. The issue is the lack of communication about it, and the understandable shock to the OP of finding out on Facebook. I would hate to lose a 15 year friendship over this issue, and I find it hard to believe that anyone at all would name a child out of spite or malicious intent, particularly when there has been no other incidents like this before.

OP I haven't read the full thread but wanted to tell you this happened to me and YADNBU!

My lifelong friend has always been aunt to my dc, right after my dd died my friend's sil named her next baby the same name. So now forever my friend is stuck with two nieces with the same name, 1 dead and 1 born right after.

Everyone thought it was fucking weird. No explanation has ever been volunteered apart from maybe she liked the name.

I cannot tell you how fucking angry and uncomfortable this has made all information or conversation regarding new child and to be completely frank I will be happy to never see friend's sil again. I think she is a fucking ghoul.

It is a stab in the guts every time I hear new child spoken about in the place of my child and always will be. I feel sorry for the child who will always have that shadow in the background too, imagine growing up and finding that out later on?

If she had asked I would have said middle name only please if you must but the first I knew was a birth announcement card.

Even if something like that was done in a post birth drug haze you would expect any right minded person to change it, switch to middle name or use a nickname henceforth to avoid upset once it was pointed out.

One of my dc has a middle name after a a person close to me who died a very long time ago, I asked the family first for permission, they gave it their blessing and I would have not used it otherwise.

It takes permission from the living to honour the dead.

That's horrible. I'm sorry op. Really insensitive of your friend.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your early loss and also the upset that the nameing has caused. It was very insensitive of your friend. I think you need to say something about the hurt her behaviour has caused as it will nag away at you otherwise.
This must be a very sad time for you and I was sorry to read that you haven't had any support at all. This must have made you feel the disappoitnment of your friends behaviour more deeply.
Is there anyone you could talk to in real life, anyone just to help you unburden a bit? I hope you find someone to talk to . Wishing you and your 3 year old all the best. xx

Yanbu very insensitive and selfish imo especially to such a close friend

I think you are overthinking this. It's upsetting now, while you grieve, but in 10 years when life has moved on and the pain isn't so raw, I think you might find it a solace and a lovely link, as long as you don't get angry now. There's no real way to reverse hostility once it's embedded.

Blimey! Sorry the only thing I can say in your friend's favour is that she thought it might be a good idea to surprise with an honour to your husband, without thinking through the actual impact.

I'm really sorry for your loss and I think you should tell her how you feel, maybe she will change the babies name.

I am the most forgiving person, my motto is 'everyone is a complete disappointment,' but I would massively struggle with this.

Can't actually believe those saying it wouldn't bother them and op should get over it. It's definitely not something anyone with an ounce of love or empathy for a friend would do, there are endless names to choose from I can't believe your husband's name was the only name they liked. If it was a tribute she would have asked you first. You are not remotely being unreasonable. I'm so sorry for your loss. Life too short to waste on undeserving people, ditch her

Haven't RTFT - just going from the first post I would say you are being a little unreasonable. I'm so sorry for your loss and I cannot imagine the hurt you are feeling. However my friends husbands name is Jacob. We like the name - has nothing to do with him. It's a very popular name. You say your husbands name was in the top 20. I think it is most likely she liked the name - gave it to her son when he came out - then later realised her error that it was your husbands name. But then probably felt she loved it so much and it suited her child so much, that she decided to just stay with it. She probably then felt embarrassed to let you know - but hoped you would be understanding of it. At the end of the day, your husband is now passed and you did not have a son to have the name. You may in the future, but I expect she thought that it would be OK for the 2 kids to have the same name. She probably even justified it as thinking she'd call it a shortened version - like if your husbands name was Michael she probably thought she'd nickname her son Mikey or something like that.

If she was your MOH and you know deep down this was not done out of spite, just lack of thought - then don't let a long and special friendship end over this.

Definitely don't broach the subject with her. If it's not an unusual name then she will feel that you are making the birth of her child all about your grief.

Strange of her to choose the name of someone she knew who had recently died.
And if you are good friends how can she easily talk of the baby when it is your DH's name, very difficult in the future.
With time she will forget, but you won't OP.