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Original poster

My mum's 'demands' for money... for looking after her grandchildren etc

232 replies

Helpmepleasenow48 · 07/06/2019 17:48

Last year my MIL and FIL gave us a sizeable chunk of money to buy a house. My DH is on a good salary but to buy our house and get a mortgage we needed a bigger deposit.
We have bought our house and planning bits and pieces. I'm freelance and working part time at that moment as am not sure what to do (that's s wholeother post!?) anyway since we moved my mum who lost her home and business back in the early 1990s when I was a teenager has become a bit unbearable.
She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially. My uni education was free but I stayed with my mum till I got a job after post graduate training (which I took a year out after to work after university to pay for). I don't earn loads and have two DC... my mum has always been a bit funny with money. And now she demands cash after looking after the Dc. Who are both at school but I had some days I had to work in London so I needed her to pick them up and give them dinner before DH came home.
Every time she offers to do something she will say 'when are you getting paid'-I think she thinks that because we are having an extension (which was planned when we bought our house) we somehow have loads of money.
What do I do?!! Although she's been great at letting me live with her in my 20s etc I can't support her and need to monetise everything is driving me crazy and skewing our relationship.

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 08/06/2019 18:13

@payens Try reading again, the OP already provides money for fuel and food. Her mum wants more besides.

woollyheart · 08/06/2019 18:16

I would look for alternative childcare and just let her visit the children when you are there. Then she might get out of the mindset that you are taking advantage and owe her.

Toooldfornonsense · 08/06/2019 18:16

Get a childminder - cut out the mother. She sounds ridiculous. She’ll soon found the money for “extras” in M&S when she can’t make you feel guilty

marzipanballsrule · 08/06/2019 18:26

I know lots of friends who pay parents to help with childcare, why not pay her? Clearly she needs money and you would have to pay a childminder to do the same....

In an ideal world all parents would help with childcare for free but it's a huge commitment that many don't or can't do

If you don't want to pay her then don't ask

manicmij · 08/06/2019 18:29

Are your children looked after in your hone or DMs? If the latter and you pay her a rate won't that amount to her being a childminder? Just need to be sure there are no legal implications but petrol and food money to cover picking up/delivering feeding children isn't really giving her anything as remuneration for what she is doing. What would a childminder cost? Give her a similar rate but not as much as she won't have registration costs etc.

Babyduck2 · 08/06/2019 18:32

I can't believe a grandmother would insist on been paid to look after their grandchildren once in a while, if it was a everyday thing then fair enough, I would pay but not as a helping hand once every few weeks.
My mum looks after mine every Friday afternoon and I know she would be utterly offended if I tried paying her, she sees it as her time with them, and usually spends money on them, taking them out and buying them little bits, she would never ask to be paid for it.
I'm shocked, I wouldn't ask her again. Most grandparents enjoy spending time with their grandkids, not see it as a job to be paid for!

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/06/2019 18:40

Be fair OP, she hasn't got any money.

Pay her childminder rates.

Help her out, life hit her a hard blow and family comes first.

ohdearmymistake · 08/06/2019 18:40

What is wrong with people can they not read and comprehend what they have read.

Op mum lost business and house in the 1990 - not far off 30 years ago that's plenty of time to picked herself up and started again.

She had a hip replacement last year, usually done to improve life. That doesn't mean she can not do any type of job full stop.

She has always been crap with money while op was growing up their mum prioritised buying stuff for herself rather than buying anything for op and sibling.

She OFFERS to help then wants paying

At most it's a couple of times a month that op asks for help

Op mum allowed the op Mil to buy her a car

The op mum is a money grabbing cf that will take money from anyone.

babyno5 · 08/06/2019 18:41

@youarenotkiddingme where do childminders earn £4 an hour? ???

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/06/2019 18:41

She doesn't have much money and can't work because she had a hip replacement op last year. My stepfather died back when their business went under in the 1990s. My dad and step mum are around but haven't helped financially.

That is her problem, right there. Please be kind, and pay her. Better family are looking after your children, than strangers.

ILoveYou3000 · 08/06/2019 18:44

ScreamingLadySutch perhaps try reading all of the OP's posts.

ilsb · 08/06/2019 18:49

Maybe she's tired and exhausted and when she asks when you get paid, she's maybe hinting 'when can you afford childcare?'
Time to look for a more child friendly job that doesn't involve trips to London, is your boss understanding?

jj222 · 08/06/2019 19:26

i think its reasonable to pay her,or get a child minder who would cost a lot more.

LaraLondon1 · 08/06/2019 19:50

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread .
I would not expect to have to pay a grandparent for an odd hour here & there / odd emergency . It’s a bit pathetic ur mum brings up how she ‘funded’ you at times in ur youth.
However , it appears that is not how ur mum sees things so I think you need to establish ground rules . Discuss with her what u can pay and pay it. It will be cheaper for you than her chucking bits and bobs into a shopping Basket or tapping u for cash . It’s a shame that it’s led to this but best keep it simple . X

3dogs2cats · 08/06/2019 19:53

I think you should agree a rate. In an ideal world, I’m sure she would love to look after them for free, but it isn’t an ideal world. I think sometimes family members need to be paid,
I

Highlights12 · 08/06/2019 20:32

@TurboTeddy that made me laugh.

Bookworm4 · 08/06/2019 20:39

@ullupullu
Why are so many people suggesting paying a family member for childcare? Unless she is registered as a provider that's illegal!

Seriously? So a teenage relative would need to be registered to babysit of an evening for £20? Jeezo 🙄

Bookworm4 · 08/06/2019 20:41

@ohdearmymistake
Summed up perfectly 👍🏼
The amount of folk who do not read and retain info is infuriating. Multiple people commenting as if OP mum has kids all the time; a few hours a month ffs

lightsoul · 08/06/2019 21:09

Isatis asked why she is not able to work. I had a hip replacement last year and it has not stopped me from working. did the replacement go wrong or is she just someone who makes excuses and feels sorry for herself?

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/06/2019 21:12

I think you are being unreasonable
. Your mum lost her home , partner and livelihood

So did a lot of people but you get up and get on with things and 25 -30 years is more than enough time to dust yourself off and start again.

The health problems are only recent.

I want to know what on Earth has she been doing with her time.

I’m sure that she’d love to spend time with the grandchildren -when she chooses and feels up to it not when you want childcare

But that is the point. Childcare aside (which is approximately 2 days per month) this gm expects to be paid for spending time with her GC when she offers to have them over

She asks to see them then expects op to pay her

You need to cut your cloth , see if you are entitled to tax credits and help with the cost of a childminder or after school club or change jobs and get a child friendly job that’s local -shop at Aldi instead of M&S

Helpmeplease is trying to cut her cloth except it is her dm shopping at M&S and expecting op to pay for it. Helpme cannot afford to shop at M&S as she pointed out.

Maybe Helpme should not pay for dm to drive around in the car bought for her by Helpme’s Mil and refuse to buy her food.

Maybe if someone had stood up to this woman before she wouldn’t still be wallowing in self pity that she lost her business in 1990.

4legsandawaggytail · 08/06/2019 21:13

@Helpmepleasenow48

"I don't mind paying her - in fact if I agree a rate it might save us money.
I'm more worried about the future I guess..."

If this is the case why haven't you you already offered to save all this potential resentment on both sides.

It sounds as if she has been there for you helping you out so many occasions and over quite a period of time. Now she it seems she may be going through a hard time, you don't feel you should be obligated to be kind and help her out without her having to ask you. Have you taken the time to sit down and see if she is okay, having lost nearly everything that matters. Maybe she feels taken advantage of. Just a thought.

SusanF62 · 08/06/2019 21:29

Can’t understand she can’t work because she had a hip replacement last year, surely she should be more mobile than she was before? Plus they are her gc, I think it’s a pleasure and a privilege to be able to look after them. I wouldn’t dream of asking for money to look after my mine. I have mine 3 days a week, plus other times as well. I think she needs to grow up a bit. Sorry if this offends anyone.

Jogonandshutup · 08/06/2019 21:29

She didn’t make you have the children - they are your responsibility, not hers. You should pay her for looking after them, why should she provide free childcare for you?

Whosorrynow · 08/06/2019 21:30

your mother resents the fact that you have more than she has, or more than she thinks you ought to have and she is trying to drain money out of you to redress these injustices (as she perceives them)

Tinkobell · 08/06/2019 21:32

Hi OP - we have been in a similar situation to this and come through the other side. The wrong thing to do is ignore the problem, pretend she's not in financial strife and pretend it's not your problem. If the shit hits the fan and she's essentially in debt and at worst, risks poverty or worse still homelessness; that unfortunately does become your and your DH's problem; because you love your mum, for better or for worse. This WILL be a ticking time bomb! This is what we did. First off pay her fairly for childcare; she's in strife and she needs the income. Next offer to go through all her income and monthly bills with her; figure out what she can and cannot afford. Give her no money. That is not the purpose of this exercise, you are giving her your time, kindness and help......in doing so you are actually helping yourself avoid a crisis call or plea for help. If there are debts from unpaid bills, consider her taking these to CAB who may be able to negotiate reductions etc. You need a willing and sympathetic DH OP who grasps the big picture and is kind and wants to help, but in the right way - not by giving cash handouts ad hoc. You cannot do that, you've a family to raise. Good luck

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