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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Anti porn

168 replies

Fakenametodayhey · 07/06/2019 15:29

Prompted by another thread.
What are opinions on partners watching porn or watching porn yourself?
Seen a few comments where women are upset by husbands watching porn. Do you think its akin to cheating? Very interested

OP posts:
Rezie · 09/06/2019 15:04

I watch porn and masturbate.
My bf claims that he doesn't watch porn but used masturbates with "mental images". He now has an ED due to medication so he says he has stopped so that it won't affect our sex life.
I don't have a problem with (legal) porn and I'm fine with my partner watching it. It goes under the don't ask, dont tell category. I don't need to know what is happening and when but I'm ok with it happening. Assuming it doesn't effect our sex life.

Asta19 · 09/06/2019 15:36

I don't class it as cheating but I don't think it fulfills any good purpose either. After my ex left me, I had a couple of flings with younger men (which I regret now!). Not wildly younger, in their 30s, but definitely the "porn generation". The sex was utterly shit! Banging away like their lives depended on it, with no thought to my pleasure. No decent foreplay. Wanting to do anal (I refused). Basically I felt like I was just a body for them to use for their own enjoyment. They really didn't care whether I enjoyed the experience. Never again. I'd rather go without!

People have been masturbating for thousands of years without needing porn to get them in the mood! I just find it pointless.

The damage it causes, women being exploited, kids seeing it and acting stuff out, well they are just reasons to turn it from pointless to negative and damaging.

Firstimpressionsofearth · 09/06/2019 17:38

Crime/murder dramas can have bad impact too.

The actors aren't actually being murdered in silent witness though are they.

Many of the girls in porn are actually being raped or at least coerced.

ImTheDamnFoolThatShotHim · 09/06/2019 17:45

I'm pretty insecure lately, and it makes me feel a bit shitty sometimes, this is hypocritical really as I've watched it myself when I was feeling self confident and didn't have a problem with it.
Thing is, boys and men are brought up thinking porn sex is normal sex, women with contorted faces, in pain, choked, hard and fast penetration with all kinds of objects, constant anal sex, being strapped up, tied up.. it's making girls/women/partners feel inadequate and unreasonable asking for loving, gentle sex.
This is what worries me these days to be honest.

Frusty · 09/06/2019 17:47

I have gone off the seemingly endless stream of murder mysterious with women being stalked, imprisoned and murdered in increasingly awful ways. It doesn’t have the same impact on the actors that porn has, but I do think it does something to our minds.

Deathgrip · 09/06/2019 19:31

It staggers me how many people are in such wilful denial over how destructive it is, just because it gives them a slightly better wanking experience.

I had a relationship with a porn addict which gradually became more and more sexually abusive. I was the veritable frog in the boiling pot, groomed from the outset to accept whatever he wanted to do (unlike those other frigid girls, those prudish women who “didn’t like sex” and weren’t “open about being sexual” like I was 🙄). Apart from being sexually assaulted and raped frequently, he burst my eardrum because he liked to hit me round the face / head as hard as possible. Dislocated my shoulder once, too.

I then had several short relationships with heavy porn users and every one of them sexually assaulted me, at best. These men weren’t deliberate abusers - they just thought that’s what sex was.

I used to be one of those women who thought it was cool to be open to these things - it’s only porn, what’s the big deal, etc etc. I think back to how much time I spent allowing myself to be hit, spat on, choked, bitten, beaten, and worse, and I’m horrified at how easy it was to manipulate me into tolerating things during sex that I’d never tolerate for a second outside of that.

I’m sure people will say I was unfortunate, just one crazy man, not the fault of porn, but I joined support groups, I heard the same stories over and over.

The fact that anyone can deny the impact of being exposed to this at a young age is absolutely baffling.

Whatsername7 · 09/06/2019 20:24

Deathgrip, ive been there too. Not with the same level of violence, but with the pressure to get dressed up and 'perform'. As hid addiction worsened, there was a huge wedge driven between us because he wanted to do more and more 'out there' things and I just didnt. He got help, as he realised he had a problem. We worked through it, but the impact of my self esteem isnt recoverable. Our marriage is like a broken vase that has been carefully glued back together. We are happy, but the cracks will never disappear. Sorry for what you have been through.

WhiteDust · 09/06/2019 20:30

There are loads of men/women who find porn a turn off. I don't feel attracted to anyone who buys into that industry. Grim.

Deathgrip · 09/06/2019 20:39

That must be so difficult Whatshername - I’m glad to hear he sought help before things escalated to the same extent, but I completely understand how much it must have affected your marriage and your self-esteem. I would encourage you to seek some help for yourself if you haven’t already.

I get so angry when I hear people dismissing the issues as if those who complain are puritanical killjoys. It’s impossible to explain the impact this has on you, your self worth, your own sexuality, it messed me up for a long time. I hope you’re okay Flowers

Whatsername7 · 09/06/2019 20:52

Im fine, thanks. We had counciling. 3 years down the line things are very different. He is quite angry about the affect porn has had on his life. He still remembers his uncle showing him pornographic pictures when he was 12 (naked women rather than sex) and his curiosity being peaked. Finding it on the internet, even in the late 90s, was all too easy. He often questions whether is turn ons are his or porn induced. It ruins lives. I firmly believe that.

Deathgrip · 09/06/2019 20:57

Oh that sounds very familiar - nearly identical in fact. I know my ex later quit porn, after years battling between it being an ingrained part of his sexuality from a young age and increasingly having an ethical issue with it. I also believe his sexual tastes were completely shaped by porn. Not that it’s much consolation to me of course, but hopefully he’s learnt from it.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 09/06/2019 21:23

I haven’t read the full thread but I am against porn having watched a documentary on the females that were doing it and the effect on their lives. They weren’t women in my eyes they were girls (late teens) made up to look older for the camera. The effects on these naive girls were catastrophic. The way they were treated by the all male producers, male porn actors, directors etc was appalling.

Quietlife333 · 09/06/2019 21:25

The whole industry stinks. I would object on moral grounds.

KnickyKnackyNooNoo · 09/06/2019 21:48

I have endometriosis and adenomyosis. I'm in a considerable amount of pain daily and waiting for a hysterectomy.
My DH has a very high sex drive.
We can go a few weeks without sex because it's just too painful for me. And he would say things like "I haven't cum for two weeks!" And then I caught him watching porn one night. He tried to deny it but the headboard is reflective and acted like a mirror so I could see clearly what he was watching when I walked into the room.
He admitted it was an addiction.
I didn't feel like he was cheating, but I felt incredibly disrespected and lied to. There I was, in pain, feeling guilty because I thought he wasn't getting anything and the whole time he was wanking off to porn, telling me how awful it was for him because it had been X amount of days since he last came.
It made me feel like utter shit. And he's said he doesn't watch it any more but that trust is fucked now. He probably still watches it but is more careful. Our marriage is very strong, but porn is very destructive.

So no, I'm not happy about it.

Deathgrip · 09/06/2019 21:55

Knicky I have the same two conditions and DH and I went years without any sex after one of the medications fucked up my hormones longterm. Please don’t feel coerced to endure pain for a man who talks to you like that, what a shit.

RiversDisguise · 11/06/2019 06:21

Deathgrip... appalling what you endured. Very glad you got away before he asphyxiated you or bashed your head in fatally or whatever.

pendeen123 · 11/06/2019 10:03

I watched fifty shades of grey and it made me sick. It should've definitely been banned.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 11/06/2019 10:13

Anybody who thinks that amateur porn is actually amateur or that just because someone has a 'normal' body, it's not coerced needs to wake up.

You have NO idea of where videos come from, how ethical it is or isn't, how much pressure the woman was under.

It's a disgusting industry.

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