To think we should consider a 2 bedroom rather than 3 bedroom?

[username718736]

So briefly-
DP has 2 children from previous marriage. I have 1. I'm due with our first in a few months.
I'd love a 3 bed which would be ideal but our finances are always tight, we'll have a newborn to consider financially as well and ideally want to save for a mortgage.
I feel like we need to open options to a 2 bed as I feel like the only one who requires a bedroom is my 1DC as they live there permanently. His stay 1 night a week, come for tea another night and the newborn won't need its own.
I completely understand it's ideal to have a 3 bed and understand emotionally why it'd be easier for his DC to have a room but if it makes things easier in the long run? AIBU?

If you and DP have a small bedroom and all the DC have the biggest one then it might work. Adults tend to spend less time in the bedroom during the day anyway.

Is this thread real? Er, yes you do need at least 3 bedrooms.

3 under 7 boys all bunked into one room once a week? of course it's fine. Plan is to have a bigger home by the time they are up to age 9? Presumably for the other 6 nights a week the SC have their own room (or share a room) just like the OPs child does. My boys chose to share from about age 3 to age 10ish.

itsgoodtobehome you are just rude.

The benefit of renting is that it does not have to be a very long term commitment. A one year tenancy on a 2 bed place would mean you could reassess as the DC grow. When you are saving hard for a deposit on a house, EVERYONE in the family will be affected. The idea that you and Dp and your joint Dc will tighten your belts but the existing Dc should have the luxury of living a life of luxury with no impact is ridicuous. Families tighten their belts for things all the time. Had they all been your joint Dc, you would make choices that involve tightening expenses, just because they are SDC doesn't mean that you can't make cost cutting choices in order to secure a better future for you ALL. They are all under 7 and all the same gender so it is absolutely fine for people to be sharing a room when they stay over. ONE DAY A WEEK ffs, and as I said at the start, this is not a long term and permanent arrangement. Go for a year and reassess. It will benefit ALL of you if you can move into your own 4 bed house sooner. It is way more important that you will have that 4 bed house for your blended family sooner than it is for very young DC to have their own room short term for one day a week.

Think the Op. has worked her finances out wrongly as something doesn't add up.

She reckons by renting a 2 bedroom house they can save for a mortgage for a 4 bedroom house in 18 months but if she rents a 3 bedroom house they won't be able to afford a mortgage before the children are teens. As the children are younger than 7 then that's 6 years away. A 3 bedroom house will not be 3 times as expensive to rent compared to a 2 bedroom house.

She definitely needs at least a 3 bed house, unfair to her step children to have to share yet her own child gets his own room.

itsgoodtobehome you are just rude

No, I'm not rude, just practical. I am so sick of hearing about people who feel it's their 'right' to have kids within every relationship that they have with no thought to the practicalities. Children are little human beings who need space, attention, affection....not a bloody shuffling around of bed space, different homes, different beds etc. It makes me so sad that these poor children are being crammed into whatever space with step-siblings/parents whatever....just because their parents can't decide what partner to stay with, and have multiple children with different partners. Take some responsibility and grow up ffs.

She definitely needs at least a 3 bed house, unfair to her step children to have to share yet her own child gets his own room. So where do the DSC stay for the other 6 nights? In their own room/s? They are in exactly the same position as her own son who doesn't have his own room in his dad's house.

A friend of mine did this. Her dh, herself, two teenage boys and two young girls in a 2 bed where you couldn't swing a cat. My dd was shocked when she went round for play date. We have a 5 bedroom (one is spare room). It depends on your standards but the parents are lazy. He works part time and she can't be assed working. I went to collect my dd at her house and quite frankly was disgusted that she was not prepared to work to get a bigger house. Her young daughters where sharing a room with two teenage boys and imo it's completely unsuitable. Why have so many children when you can't afford them? You need to at very least get 3 bedroom and sort your finances asap.

They are in exactly the same position as her own son who doesn't have his own room in his dad's house.
But surely there needs to be a focus on doing what's right, not a classic mumsnet race to the bottom.

Otherwise why not have a 1 bed flat to save as someone granny lived 10 children and 2 parents to a single rented room with an outdoor bathroom and someone else knows someone who has a small 1 bed flat and 5 children and they get by ok.

If her DC's dad has a room for his partner's children and their mutual children and their son has to crash on the floor or share with Dad then that's different to Dad having a 1 bed on his own and making arrangements for when his child comes round (though ideally own room / space). The OP is proposing a room for her child and their joint child in due course whilst making a decision she knows will affect her partners children.

It’s only on Mumsnet that there seems to be so many contraceptive failures .

Most people don’t tell you their child was unplanned unless you’re extremely close and even then. When I was. Child “a mistake”.

Oops I didn’t mean to post that. What I meant is children were unfortunately called a mistake if not planned.

What’s the difference in price between a 2 and 3 bed where you are looking?

Oh FFS, it's hardly a race to the bottom. It's one night a week for children who have their own room in their own house for a short period of time so the whole family can benefit.

I have no idea why everyone on here thinks that children are deprived and unloved if they don't have a bedroom to themselves from the age of 6 months!!

I'm a perfectly well adjusted human, I only had a bedroom to myslef for a few years as a single adult in my own home. I never had one growing up, and then after a few years of living on my own I shared with boyfriend/husband. The sky didn't fall in.

I would suggest that OP is treating the DSC the same as her own child but she can hardly conjure up 2 other children for her own child to share with for the other 6 nights or the night her own child is at his dads. Or should she make him share with her and her DP so that he doesn't have a room to himself at any point? Quite simply, it wont't be "his room" it will be "their room" that he happens to have sole use of for 6 nights a week.

Just to say, as a step child who used to spend one night a week at my Dads for a while... having your own room is actually even more important in that hose because you feel SO pushed out! These brand new step children are living with your Dad and getting him full time as a live-in parent and you only see him once a week!! So unfair!! Then being thrown in with these children too? Awful!! So unsettling!!!

His children will feel so pushed out, it’s just not a kind thing to do at all. Your DC should have one bedroom and his DC have another, that’s just how it should be. It might take you longer to save a deposit for a 4 bed house but it will be worthwhile for your DH’s relationship with his DC. His children are equally important in this scenario. Just because they don’t stay very often, does not mean they aren’t his top priority (or at least definitely should be).

How you feel about your DC, he should also feel about his. Don’t be so cruel OP, you chose to have a child with someone who already has children.

WaxOnFeckOff
Kids aren't deprived if they don't have their own room and I've already said I think the 2 bed would be fine for 6 months to a year whilst they get the last bit of a deposit.

More than a year is a longer term situation and it's fairly obvious what message it sends when Dad's partner's child gets their own room and when they were making a decision about housing they chose to enter a situation that doesn't reasonably sleep everyone.

There's a big difference between sharinf with your siblings as an arrangement and your parent choosing to prioritise their partners child and the child thry have together over existing children (and that is how it will be viewed and felt by the children).

There are so many threads on here where the OP wants to know if it's reasomable for their child to have to sleep on a sofa bed in the front room because Dad's got a new girlfriend and her kids have their room but Dad's kids don't. The overwhelming majority of replies are that the dad should ensure that ALL children have reasonable space, not just sorting out his girlfriend's kids because they happen to spend more time there. This is one of those situations, just it's the mum posting explaining why she thinks her DP's children should be sideljned so they can have a timeline that suits them.

The different between a 2 bed and 3 bed house is not so much that it's either 'buy within 18 months or never buy until they are teens'. Equally, the OP wants to buy a 4 bed house, when a 3 would be doable if the desire to own a house quickly is the priority. There are many ways forward that are fair on all children.
Ultimately it's foolish to bring another child into a situation and expect to have the same timelines for major financial purchases.

my point is that the OPs child is not getting his own room, they are having a room for all the children to share, it's "their" room. Just that the OPs child uses it alone more while they are using their room at their mums house without him.

What I'm saying is that it's attitude and behaviour that makes the difference, not allocated rooms. All 3 children should get a view on how the room is set up/get their own space within it/have their own personal stuff there. It's not about making them feel excluded. they are lucky in that all 3 DC are of a similar age and sex that makes this workable. If all 3 were the OPs natural children she would be making the same decision so by them all sharing, she is treating them equally. If they are renting, then they can try it and if it doesn't work then they can think again. In a 4 bed house with 4 DC, at least 2 are still going to be sharing.

Except we all know thats not how it's going to feel to the existing children who see their father actively choosing a house where one child (his partner's) essentially has their own room, even if window dressed differently and they aren't being considered.

I don't think it can be compared to 3 full siblings sharing because the emotions and the set up at totally different to children from previous relationships going to stay with parent and parent's new partner. There's no avoiding that. Otherwise there wouldn't be millions of threads on the topic on mumsnet.

Short term, 6-12 months then I think it can be pitched as a short term solution before getting their own home. When you're looking at 18 months plus that's a long time to put kids in an entirely avoidable situation.
If owning a home is so important then buy a 3 bed rather than cram children in because you want a 4. Or if having the 4 bed and home ownership is the priority then there's questions over having another baby. Wanting 4 bed house on the same time frame adding another child in the mix is the adults trying to have cake and eat it in my opinion.

And how do you know how these children are going to feel? I think you are projecting. And why shouldn't they have their cake and eat it? It's not like they are prioritising an adults only holiday over putting a roof over their children's head?

At that age, it's all about how things are presented to them.

Projecting? You don't know my background.

I'm reflecting on the sheer number of threads on here where children have felt pushed out by their non resident parent because they feel like non resident parent is more concerned with new partner, new partner's kids and the children they have with new partner.

When I as on MN first time round I was very much of the view that for one night a week it's not the end of the world. Then I saw thread after thread where people were talking about how their DC feels when they stay at Dad's and Dad/partner's kids have a room but they're on a sofa bed in the front room or Dad and his girlfriend have got a nice 1 bed place and the kids have to kip on the floor on air mattresses.

If there is a choice between doing something that gives all children appropriate space (not own rooms from birth) vs one that risks upsetting and pushing away children who already see less of one parent then I don't understand why any kind adult would choose the latter.

It's about choices. The OP chose to have another child, they're choosing to have a 2 bed house over a 3 because it suits the main people more and they want to buy a house, but they want to buy a 4 bed house when a 3 would be more affordable. In a situation where someone is saying funds are tight then there has to be some give from the adults in the situation, not the kids. The kids didn't create this situation.

Resident dc gets a room. Non resident dcs don't. They have their own room in their resident house just as resident dc doesn't have their own room in their non resident house. It's temporary for the benefit of all dcs long term. It's not cruel. It's totally reasonable that whilst saving up you don't pay for a room that will be empty 6/7 days of a week.

I didn't mean projecting your own feelings, i meant projecting feelings onto children that you have no idea about.

Your examples are all about the resident DC having a room and the other DC not. That's not what I've talked about so I'm not really sure we are talking about the same thing. I agree with you, having visiting SC sleeping on a floor or sofa in the living room is not a good way to go, and that very much shows that they are not being treated equally, but having the 3 DC sharing a room that is theirs but used more by one of the 3 is a different thing. It needs to be managed well so that the resident DC doesn't treat the other DC poorly, but I'd expect any loving parents to do that anyway.

It's silly to throw money away buying a 3 bed where long term, when the children are older, that may not work when, for the sake of a short term, they could get a house that suits better. Why throw away money on stamp duty and legal costs etc when DC might not even remember that they shared if they are very young. it might build a better bond between the children.

I think that OP is thinking of "cutting their cloth to suit their purse" which is to be commended. It's not as if she's thinking of putting a dozen children top to toe in a double bed like something out of a Victorian novel.

I think it's fine while you save to buy somewhere bigger. Can you fit bunkbeds for when your step dc stay over?

I'm still not convinced as a longer term measure. To me it seems to be wanting to keep the same timeline on buying their 4 bed house and expecting the children to make the sacrifices.
For 6-12 months, as I mentioned up thread, I'd say suck it up as the deposit is best there and needs must. When looking at 18months+ then the adults need to be more flexible in their time frame and choose better accommodation in my opinion.