AIBU to be a shocked at a parent leaving their 4 month old home alone for 10 minutes

[NotMyUsualNameNoSiree]

I overheard a conversation at school the other day, a mum was telling another mum how she left her young DD (4mo) at home while she picked up her DS (aged 5 or 6) from school.

I believe she lives around the corner and across the road from school, maybe 1 or 2 minutes walk. But pick-up would probably take 10 minutes in total to get the kid, get him ready, leave school premises and get home.

Of course I rationally know that no harm is likely to come to a 4mo left alone for ten minutes. But even if it's very very unlikely that anything bad would happen (to the baby, or the mum, or the older kid), it still gives me the chills to think about it.

Instinctively I want to say something, whether to her or the school. But I don't know if I'm being over cautious.

I have professional friends and neighbours who walk their dogs leaving baby asleep.

That’s dreadful.

I have professional friends and neighbours who walk their dogs leaving baby asleep. I am not sure how convenient that is. I just happen to see them and chat when I am walking my own dogs

Indeed how splendid you can use them as a frame of reference.

Do you go out much?

Arf. What would you like me to say? No you’re right, I never go out. You absolutely must be telling the whole truth oh faceless poster

herculepoirot2
no, that's being normal, not weirdly anxious and a busybody.

@herculepoirot2

“Pinkgin22

Perhaps because it’s so early in the child’s life and the mother already feels comfortable behaving in ways that every clinician, SW, police officer etc. would advise her not to? If this is her attitude at 4 months, what’s next?”

Soooo is your whole argument that this woman is in the wrong simply for not conforming with everyone else?

Op has said the alternative is parents leaving the babies in prams in a playground alone whilst they go and collect their DCs how is that any better?

Most arguments here are illogical. Are people seriously suggesting that it’s safer to have a baby with you in case you have an accident? If you have an accident then the baby will be killed or injured if it’s with you- is that better that it being home alone for a while?

I've been tempted to but never have intentionally left DS. I accidentally locked myself out the house for 15 minutes when DS was only a couple of months old. I was on the verge of climbing the drain pipe when DH turned up.

I think what would worry me would be if they felt comfortable doing it at 4 months, when do they stop feeling comfortable? I couldn't leave my 2 year old for example. On the flip side, it's very convenient how the OP said that she overheard her saying she's left her baby at home, and then when questioned whether it's possible she meant left baby at home with someone, OP suddenly elaborated on what she actually overheard.

JacquesHammer
I know, photo or it didn't happen. Bladibla.

Of course you genuinely do not believe me, you are not only trying to goad and start a fight, I know

MorondelaFrontera

I have never met anyone, not a single person, who would admit to leaving their baby alone in the house to walk their dog. Nothing “normal” about it.

Of course you genuinely do not believe me, you are not only trying to goad and start a fight, I know

No, I just genuinely think its not believable. First rule of internet use - especially anon forums - are people really forced to tell the whole truth?

I think the thing that makes this a bit of a red flag is that it's not culturally normal, rather than anything inherent. It's like how some cultures would consider a mother who didn't cosleep with a baby to be worryingly detached, etc (I say this as someone who absolutely hates cosleeping with her baby and has only done it a handful of times out of necessity), whereas for us it's culturally normal. Or like how one of the very difficult to control factors in breastfeeding research is that breastfeeders are inherently more likely to be people who do what healthcare professionals tell them, and that means that as a group - not each and every individual, before I get flamed (and I don't breastfeed either!) - they are more likely to be following other guidelines.

So I don't think there's anything inherently awful about this - I agree with Bertrand - but it's the fact they're not following societal 'rules' which makes it feel troubling.

I had anxiety because I couldn’t even leave the room to another for longer than 5 mins while baby was asleep at that age.

I wouldn’t even go downstairs to open the door for the delivery man without carrying baby with me.. possibly having him wake up and having to put him to sleep all over again.

Even the video monitors weren’t sufficiently for me.

So form my point of view, I don’t know how they can even do it. But I admit I have anxiety.. x

From logical point of view, I wonder whether there is a real risk as she might have a mobile app monitor on her baby and if anything, running back takes her 2 mins as you say.

But I still can’t do it.

Pinkgin22

My argument is that it is a concern because a) it is so unusual b) it is not the best thing for the child. Whether or not the child is genuinely at risk, I have no idea, but it should be open to a discussion. If the parent did this as a one off, not to be repeated, no harm no foul. If they intended to keep on leaving a small child alone for unspecified periods of time, I would be concerned about that.

Do you actually think hanging out the washing, going downstairs, washing the car, going to the loo is the same as going to school to collect your child????
Really??

Do you have children? Do you know how long it takes for them to come out.

In reality all the situations I listed above you are within earshot of your child. Once you actually leave your house to go somewhere it's wrong.

Where do you draw the line? It's ok to go to school? It's ok to nip to the shops? It's ok to nip to the local address the road for a quick drink???

It's probably fine in reality but feels wrong. I have been tempted when the baby is napping to nip to the shop around the corner but wouldn't do it! oh God me too, when DH is away, and DD is asleep, I've often toyed with just popping to the shop to grab-a-whatever-it-is. Never done it.

If id ever fallen down the stairs I wouldn't have been checked on for days as I only had 1 next door neighbour (who was away for weeks at a time), no family or partner, and my friends only saw me once a week or so. At least if I'd had an accident in the street someone would have found me quickly this as well, I am not a particularly anxious person, but when I'm with DD alone for several days (in no way likening that to lone parenting!) I often find myself wondering if I remember how to self-administer the Heimlich Manoeuvre, I vaguely remember it's something to do with the arm of a chair.

All-in-all, her kids are clean, they appear well tended to, loved and cared for. I don't have any overriding worries about them and their safety. I was just wondering if I should tell anyone else what I overheard, or if I was overreacting (because I was one of those mothers who literally didn't let DD out of my sight even for a pee for six months).

When it comes to overhearing things, she has a loud voice, and we were stuck in the queue to leave school through the tiny-child-size gate, I absolutely wouldn't have been the only person to hear, and I absolutely didn't want to ask any of the other parents for their opinion so as not to be a gossip and make her life any harder than it is already.

If this is her attitude at 4 months, what’s next?”

That doesn't necessarily follow at all. If you had seen me in the early days of my 2nd d
DS you would have seen a young, sometimes dishelleved mum always running around looking like she can't cope. Sometimes DS missed school because I was so shattered.

As it happened I'm an excellent mum with 2 children doing very well. I dread to think if some self-righteous biddybody who thinks she's got it all sorted reported me to SS on the strength of a overheard conversation without so much as having a chat with me, and all because I popped across the road on an errand for 10 mins without my baby in tow.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook

I know it doesn’t necessarily follow. Social Services investigate concerns. That means things might be fine, or a family might need support, or a child might need intervention. This scenario concerns me. I would want to know more about what was going on.

Do you actually think hanging out the washing, going downstairs, washing the car, going to the loo is the same as going to school to collect your child????
Really??

depends where the school is. When it's down the road at a minute or 2 walk, not much difference with being in the garden.

I am not within earshot of my kids when I am hanging the laundry or in the garage. I don't have superpower.

I would think that because you feel safer in the garden, you wouldn't rush and baby actually ends up staying alone for longer than if you pop down the road to collect your others.

Where do you draw the line? It's ok to go to school? It's ok to nip to the shops? It's ok to nip to the local address the road for a quick drink??? Most people with a bit of brain draw it easily. It's a bit of a worry if you can't understand the difference and think you would jump to extreme immediately.

I’ve been following this thread with interest as I live ten steps (literally opposite) the pre-school my DD attends and I’m due DC3 in a few months. I’ve wondered if it would be considered ok to pop over for collection time if new baby is asleep and it’s chucking it down etc, my video baby monitor would still be in range, it’s closer than my washing line.

Logically I think it is safe - I would be no more than 2/3 minutes, have monitor etc - but something about it makes me uneasy still.

If this is her attitude at 4 months, what’s next?”

probably adapting as her child grows and becomes more mobile.
You don't change your parenting way as your child grows do you? Most of us do.

I mean I wasn't too worried my 4 month old could open the front door and go wandering, by the time they were 2 there was a lock at the top of the door... Common sense you know.

The most worrying thing for me would be if the baby vomited and choked. If you've have the baby with you, you can take action. It's why we have monitors so that, even out of sight, we can still hear that the baby is safe.

My sister was a very sicky baby and my mother never left her alone for a moment until she'd outgrown it. I lost a baby cousin who choked in this way.

It's just wrong, but only today another poster was considering leaving the kids in a hotel room! Just put the kids in the pushchair even if they are sleeping

“The most worrying thing for me would be if the baby vomited and choked.”

What if the same happened if you were in the bath or asleep?

To be honest the best thing you could do if you are absolutely sure you heard correctly is say to the mother that you overheard the conversation and you do not think it's safe or wise to do what she did, and that if she continues to do it then you will report her. Because maybe she'd had a hellish day and made the decision in a moment of madness and is absolutely kicking herself now. Ss being involved isn't necessary in that case is it?

MorondelaFrontera

I don’t think you’ve shown very much common sense here, MF.

Just in defence of MorondelaFrontera, yes I do know friends in professional roles (eg social worker, teacher) who have done this. Would they actively encourage it? No. Would they mention having done this if relevant to the conversation? Yes, absolutely. Hardly abnormal.