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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be a shocked at a parent leaving their 4 month old home alone for 10 minutes

999 replies

NotMyUsualNameNoSiree · 06/06/2019 12:55

I overheard a conversation at school the other day, a mum was telling another mum how she left her young DD (4mo) at home while she picked up her DS (aged 5 or 6) from school.

I believe she lives around the corner and across the road from school, maybe 1 or 2 minutes walk. But pick-up would probably take 10 minutes in total to get the kid, get him ready, leave school premises and get home.

Of course I rationally know that no harm is likely to come to a 4mo left alone for ten minutes. But even if it's very very unlikely that anything bad would happen (to the baby, or the mum, or the older kid), it still gives me the chills to think about it.

Instinctively I want to say something, whether to her or the school. But I don't know if I'm being over cautious.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 21:47

But as a side note, I again find myself confused about how you think I am a “helicopter parent” who never spends any time with my children...

greenrockstar · 10/06/2019 21:48

@herculepoirot2 anyway nite, nite safe you're energy for the morning onslaught of telling everyone that disagrees with you, what bad parents they are!

Maybe feed your DC and interact with them first, before starting at your phone whilst feeding than and not making eye control bract with anything else but your screen?

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 21:48

BattenburgIsland

Honestly? No. I can cross roads. I don’t leave my baby alone and at risk of dying in a fire so I don’t have to look before I step out. If it’s so icy I can’t keep my baby safe, I stay in.

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 21:49

greenrockstar

Again, you know nothing about me. You are showing your colours here, though. Charming, they are.

greenrockstar · 10/06/2019 21:55

Honestly? No. I can cross roads. I don’t leave my baby alone and at risk of dying in a fire so I don’t have to look before I step out. If it’s so icy I can’t keep my baby safe, I stay in.

I don't interact and MN all day long but I don't take them out in icy weather.

No physical damage but loads on mental health damage!

But hey you're deffo the better parent because physical damage can be seen instantly.

I remember DC2 falling out of a tree and breaking his arm, as doctor said well you can't break your arm falling off a PlayStation so good for you being out and climbing.

His arm healed no issues but of course if I'd been the parent to always stay safe he wouldn't of been i the tee he'd have been safely indoors playing play station. The then potential MH damage can't be assessed competently.

So @herculepoirot2 you again aren't keeping the child safe.

BattenburgIsland · 10/06/2019 21:56

So youd have suggested my son miss a day at school... a school we can literally see in the windows of from the top floor of our house? I just think that's ridiculous. And my health visitor totally agreed with me.
I was gone a matter of minutes. My son got to go to school and my daughter was safe and warm asleep in her cot.
If I'd tried to take her up those steps it wouldve put us all at much more risk of harm.

I'd not be able to do it now because she is much more mobile and theres a risk shed get out of her cot. But at a few months old she was completely fine.

Weve bought a house which is on an actual road now thank God!
But I do have sympathy for parents who asses it as safer to leave a baby at home now. Because ive been there. And I think in some circumstances it genuinely is if your house is visible from the school

greenrockstar · 10/06/2019 21:57

Again, you know nothing about me. You are showing your colours here, though. Charming, they are.

Yes I am and very proud of them! Your colours are all about you and how you think you look.

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 21:57

BattenburgIsland

That is exactly my suggestion. You don’t agree. Okay. I am not going to say I think what you did was okay.

herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 21:59

greenrockstar

I honestly don’t want to interact with you any further. The only threat to anyone’s MH around here is your posting style: barely readable, aggressive, assumptive, defensive and flat-out wrong.

I really wish there was a block function on here.

BattenburgIsland · 10/06/2019 22:03

You see to me that would be neglect of my son... and actually social services would probably be much more concerned about me not taking my son to school than they would about me leaving my baby asleep in its cot alone for ten mins!

MorondelaFrontera · 10/06/2019 22:05

Is this still going?

I honestly don’t want to interact with you any further.
herculepoirot2 good lord, you have been saying that every single day since the thread started! What's the name for people who threaten to leave social media but never do again?

greenrockstar · 10/06/2019 22:05

@herculepoirot2 step away from the thread, count how many posts you've done in comparison to everyone else. It honestly says it all.......

Totally OTT telling everyone what a fabulous mother you are NOT!!

If I had time I'd love to see how many times you've posted on this, but I've better things to do and the 20 odd posts I counted this morning demonstrated my point beautifully.

greenrockstar · 10/06/2019 22:07

@MorondelaFrontera it's called flouncing or in @herculepoirot2 it's called not flouncing again and again and again and again .

Grin
herculepoirot2 · 10/06/2019 22:07

BattenburgIsland

That is complete crap, Battenburg. Rather than risk your baby’s safety, you would have kept both your children safe.

It is not okay to go out, venturing down hundreds of icy steps that you or your son could easily have injured yourselves on, leaving a small baby totally alone. What would you have done if you had slipped and hurt yourself? What if there had been a fire? How long would it have taken you to get back up hundreds of icy steps?

I shudder to think how this could have gone wrong, but what concerns me most is that you really think it was the right thing to do.

Anyway, I am off. You can’t argue with a person who has already done the thing you think is ridiculous, because - as is demonstrated by this thread - they will argue black is white to try to assuage their guilty conscience.

greenrockstar · 10/06/2019 22:09

Anyway, I am off.*

Fucking doubt it!

TooManyPaws · 10/06/2019 22:10

I grew up in a culture where it was seen as perfectly normal to leave your baby sleeping in a pram in the garden for an hour or more. In fact, recommended by doctors. Prams were left outside shops too. No, my mother wouldn't have heard me from the other side of the house as we had a solidly-built house rather than partition boarded, particularly if she were at her sewing machine. The worst accident that happened to me (and left facial scarring) was when three adults - my mother, my nanny and the cook - were present. No such things as monitors either.

The McCanns weren't prosecuted, neither had they actually locked the door.

I used to work in a place that had been a private mansion until post-WW2. The grandchildren of the last owners visited and I gave them a tour. They pointed out the place in the garden where the prams were put every afternoon and the top floor window out of which a nanny would occasionally stick their head to check on the children in the prams.

Adults and children alike seem to have no capacity to gauge actual risk now it appears.

Dorsetdays · 10/06/2019 22:16

Hercule. You obviously haven’t read our posts. There is no guilt, however much you wish it

We have all made decisions based on our own risk assessment and the circumstances at the time. I’m sure you do the same and we may not agree on those either.

It doesn’t make you right about other people’s children though, only yours.

HelloJackie · 10/06/2019 22:25

I lived in a flat with a separate laundry room when DC was 0-6 months, and I would leave DC in the flat while I put a wash one/collected laundry.

DC is now nearly 3 and I regularly pop in to see neighbours while DC is in the house. On a couple of occasions either me or DH have left DC home alone once it was bedtime to nip to the shop.

I really wouldn't be bothered if another parent did this. As a parent you weigh up the pros/cons and decide which risks you are willing to take. Unless a child is being put in deliberate and immediate harms way then I really have no issue with how others raise their children. There is more to life than tearing people down in order to build up your own ego.

BattenburgIsland · 10/06/2019 22:26

I dont have a guilty conscience at all, I'm completely certain I made the right choice. I was just using it as an example of how someone might have legitimate reasons for leaving a baby at home other than being neglectful. I genuinely thought you would see that but obviously not.
The icy steps were fine to deal with holding onto the rail and my sons hand. I was very used to them as I went up and down them every day! The issue wouldve been that with the ice and the baby carrier on my balance would not have been very good. And if I slipped my daughter couldve hit her head on the stone... I wouldn't have been able to protect her head with my hands without letting go of my son which wouldve then put him in danger. Or letting go of the railing which wouldve put us all in danger...
Without my daughter in the carrier it was completely fine because I had hold of my sons hand and the railing...there was so much less danger that way.
I'm far from the only parent who was taking thier child to school up steps of a similar ilk because the school is at the top of a valley it's no reason to have a day off.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 11/06/2019 00:02

There is no guilt, however much you wish it

I dont have a guilty conscience at all

Don't be horrid to Hercules! It would seem that he is a neurotic shamer. Shamers need to provoke guilt in others for the whole thing to work Grin

herculepoirot2 · 11/06/2019 07:50

Right, well as I said before, there’s not a lot else to say. Some of you think this is okay. That leaves me Shock but I can’t change your minds.

herculepoirot2 · 11/06/2019 07:55

FiddlesticksAkimbo

She.

greenrockstar · 11/06/2019 08:53

Don't be horrid to Hercules! It would seem that he is a neurotic shamer. Shamers need to provoke guilt in others for the whole thing to work

True that.!

Dorsetdays · 11/06/2019 10:42

Hercule. Why keep coming back to say you have nothing else to say? 🥴

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 11/06/2019 10:44

There might not be a specific legal age to leave children alone but it’s safe to say babies, toddlers and young children should never be left alone, even if it’s just while you pop down the road. Even if they’re sleeping peacefully when you leave they could well wake up and get very upset when you’re not there to look after them. They would not be able to protect themselves in an emergency and may even try to leave the property to find you.

Straight from the NSPCC

I personally love the use of the wording “safe to say”

If I was in the garden my children - even my 19 month old - could find me. If I had left my house and its plot then he would not have a clue.

The NSPCC has even done a toolkit ( don’t we live there!) and look at the top BIG SHOUTY LETTERS ABOUT BABIES AND TODDLERS

home-alone.nspcc.org.uk/?_ga=2.160665213.1503027431.1560244286-946228447.1560244286

My youngest child woke up from a nap on the sofa the other day. I was watching him through the doors into the playroom whilst I was ironing. He woke up and couldn’t see me. I watched for a few seconds while he called “mama” and his face crumpled. I sit here now feeding him and I imagine how he would have felt I’ve I’d not been in the kitchen, the bedroom, the back garden. That he was all alone. His little voice echoing round an empty house nobody coming after one, three, five, ten minutes.

I actually feel ill.

If you as a parent can live with the thought doing that to your child: park the thought of their distress and fear, while turning off plug sockets, calculating risk blah blah blah, then I suppose the actual process of leaving them , locking the door and walking away is easy. If some fires back at me it isn’t something they found easy to do, well then have the strength to say it’s because you knew in your heart of hearts it wasn’t something you should be doing!

I come to motherhood later in life then most. There isn’t much that shock me these days. I truly don’t judge other parents for how they feed their babies, if they co sleep, how they bring them up because I know how bloody hard it is. At one point we had three under 3 and a half. I’m on my own with them a lot due to their father’s job. I’ve been there in the shit weather, the endless lugging , the busy roads, waking one sometimes two sleeping children sometimes poorly ones to collect the other. The lifting, carrying, stairs, bags, tantrums several times a day. I know the drill. I do five school runs and seven different nursery runs every five days. On my own. So I get it, the temptation. But I have never done it and I never will.

This isn’t really about being the better parent. I’m crap at a fair few bits of it I am sure. But, it is about that child, that baby. It isn’t about who loves them the most but I suppose living as a parent with decisions you make.

The thought that I would have ever done or would ever do to one of my tiny babies or toddlers that I saw on my little one’s face the other day is something I couldn’t live with. Perhaps the reason parents who do this and are found out are arrested but rarely charge isn’t always about the Law, the Judge. Perhaps it is because on a higher level, it is considered that should you do this and something tragic happen to your previous child you can’t be punished anymore than that.

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