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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a shocked at a parent leaving their 4 month old home alone for 10 minutes

999 replies

NotMyUsualNameNoSiree · 06/06/2019 12:55

I overheard a conversation at school the other day, a mum was telling another mum how she left her young DD (4mo) at home while she picked up her DS (aged 5 or 6) from school.

I believe she lives around the corner and across the road from school, maybe 1 or 2 minutes walk. But pick-up would probably take 10 minutes in total to get the kid, get him ready, leave school premises and get home.

Of course I rationally know that no harm is likely to come to a 4mo left alone for ten minutes. But even if it's very very unlikely that anything bad would happen (to the baby, or the mum, or the older kid), it still gives me the chills to think about it.

Instinctively I want to say something, whether to her or the school. But I don't know if I'm being over cautious.

OP posts:
Dorsetdays · 08/06/2019 07:36

I think it’s clear that all the posters saying they’d never do this, never left their DC alone etc etc, clearly have done.

It was just in different circumstances.

It demonstrates how we all risk assess differently and make our own, perfectly valid, parenting decisions based on that. No one else knows the full details of how or why we made those decisions so shouldn’t jump to conclusions or judge based on limited information.

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 07:59

I think it’s clear that all the posters saying they’d never do this, never left their DC alone etc etc, clearly have done.

To be clear, no, I have never left my baby alone in the house and left my property to do an errand. It is completely unacceptable to do so. As many posters have explained, when putting the bins out, hanging the washing, sitting in the sitting room watching TV, your child is not unprotected in the event that something unexpected happens. That is the key point. You are pretending you do not understand this and it is disingenuous.

To those posters who say it doesn’t matter because it was a one off: this has been addressed as well. We have no idea if it was a one off. All we know is that it happened, so we can infer that the mother thinks it is acceptable, whether regularly or in a pinch.

ShatnersWig · 08/06/2019 08:07

I was left alone in my house when I was 4. My dad was at the pub with friends and my mum nipped down the road to see her friend. I woke up, let myself out of the house and went round to the neighbours (their door was unlocked too) and said "hello, I've come to see you". It's genuinely my earliest memory and my parents still mention it so I know I'm not making it up. I remember it was 10 pm as when I arrived the News at Ten music as starting. I imagine my mum assumed no harm would come to me due to our very protective German Shepherd but never assumed I'd wake and leave the house.

Dorsetdays · 08/06/2019 08:09

Hercule. And it’s disingenuous to ignore all the posters on here saying they don’t believe it is any different. The outcome is the same, your baby is on their own.

It’s about potential risk to your baby by being alone for that 5-10 minutes. That risk can be equally high if you’re in the shower and can’t hear them or you’re outside the house for a few minutes and can’t hear them.

Where I live (quiet village in countryside with school 50 yards away in sight) I assess the risk of leaving my baby sleeping in the garden higher than I do leaving them sleeping in their cot with the door locked. Someone else may think the reverse because of their own personal circumstances, neither of us are bad parents and neither of us need reporting to SS.

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 08:10

Dorsetdays

I have not ignored them. I have addressed the point, saying it crosses a line.

Dorsetdays · 08/06/2019 08:10

@shatnerswig. That’s awful and no one on here is in any way suggesting that a mobile toddler/child should be left in that situation.

The OP is taking about a sleeping 16 week old being left in their cot for 5-10 minutes.

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 08:11

Someone else may think the reverse because of their own personal circumstances, neither of us are bad parents and neither of us need reporting to SS.

In your opinion. But that's because you think this is okay. I don’t.

Dorsetdays · 08/06/2019 08:12

Hercule. Crosses a line for you. Not for an awful lot of other people as you can see just from this thread.

It doesn’t give you the right to think because it’s a different decision to one you make that they are awful parents and must be reported immediately to SS.

JacquesHammer · 08/06/2019 08:13

I don’t actually get why you would to be honest. Surely at 4 months babies are at their most portable?!

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 08:13

It doesn’t give you the right to think because it’s a different decision to one you make that they are awful parents and must be reported immediately to SS.

It really does. I didn’t say “awful parents” by the way. That’s you putting words in my mouth. But I have no idea why you think I have no right to report an issue of concern to me.

Dorsetdays · 08/06/2019 08:17

You advised the OP should report it. Even though the OP said they had no overriding concerns, the children were well cared for and loved. The OP overhead the conversation and wasn’t part of it so doesn’t even have all the facts.

You also said that all the posters disagreeing need to review their parenting methods.

Why would you not have advised the OP to find out more if there was a concern or reach out to support the mum. Why immediately jump to reporting them to SS.

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 08:22

Dorsetdays

I think I have explained very clearly why I would report them. It’s something everyone can consider doing if they are concerned and rightly so. Your posts come across as though you must be very insecure in your choice to leave your child, more concerned about the idea of “busybodies” than about why you feel the need to leave a small baby alone in the house. But don’t worry. If you are right, it’s only the odd lunatic who would consider reporting you, so you will probably continue to get away with it, until something happens to your child at least.

Dorsetdays · 08/06/2019 08:28

Hercule. My DC are 16 and 18 so I think it’s probably ok for me to leave them and therefore don’t feel insecure in any way about that decision 😄

SS struggle to support vulnerable children who are in genuine need as it is without numerous unsubstantiated reports.

By all means report if you have real concerns but, for the umpteenth time the OP CLEARLY SAID THEY DIDN’T. Therefore would it not be better to actually, you know, establish some facts first to assess if there really is an ongoing risk.

PeppyPiggy · 08/06/2019 08:29

I live on a busy high street. A few weeks ago I parked right outside my gate. My 3 year old Dd was in the car. I took a big bag of old books out of the boot of my car, I walked about 4 steps (if that, more likely 2) from the car to the gate. I opened the gate and walked about 2 or 3 steps to the front door to leave my bag of old books next to the front door. Then turned back and walked the five or so steps back to my car to carry on driving as me and dd were off to shop. Within the 20 seconds (literally IF THAT EVEN) that I had stepped away from the car someone was stood in front of my car parked outside my house staring into my car with Dd inside and with her phone out ready to call the police!!

Was I wrong? I really don’t know, what I did clearly made someone feel that the police needed to be called. It didn’t feel wrong to do what I did and I can only assume that the person with the phone out wanting to call the police assumed I was off shopping? As I live on a busy high street. It was so upsetting seeing someone feel like they needed to call the police on me for it but maybe they were right... I have no idea. I know I would never do it again because of how much that shocked someone and shocked and upset me I felt like I must have been an awful mum.. i know this isnt related but I think sometimes people aren’t sure in general if what they’re doing in parenting is wrong or not? Why don’t you just say something to her?

PeppyPiggy · 08/06/2019 08:31

*assumed I was off shopping on my road while DD was in car.
We were driving off to a shopping mall in the centre of town instead

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 08:31

Dorsetdays

And for the umpteenth time, the OP said she had no other concerns. I don’t think that is relevant because I think it is enough of a concern itself that the child is left alone. You seem to think that the standard for acceptable parenting is much lower than in fact it is. Times have moved on. SS would take an interest in this and want it to be the last time it happened, because if it continues to happen, a baby is at risk. You don’t believe this is true. Good for you. Your opinion holds no weight with me because you did this daft thing as well, so why would I take your advice?

Yinyen · 08/06/2019 09:05

It feels like it should be dangerous but it actual terms of risk it's safer than crossing the road. I say this from having worked in an a&e department.

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 09:25

Yinyen

And having worked in an A&E department, can you tell us about what your safeguarding lead would suggest if a child was brought to hospital having been hurt when left alone? Let’s say there was a fire and the child was basically okay because someone went in to get them, but was suffering the effects of smoke.

MorondelaFrontera · 08/06/2019 09:32

SS would take an interest in this and want it to be the last time it happened, because if it continues to happen, a baby is at risk

no, they wouldn't. They are not hysterical and judgmental as you are.

Neither would they take an interest in a mother who put her baby in his own room at 2 or 3 months when others feel it's unsafe until 6 or 12 months.

Neither would they take an interest in a mother who leave her baby to nap in the garden whilst she goes in the kitchen to have her coffee.

The list is endless, and you should concentrate on what really is neglect or abuse instead of wasting time on what isn't. No one will take you seriously if you report any busybody gossipy "concern" but suddenly face a real issue one day.

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 09:35

MorondelaFrontera

I can’t agree with you. SS would look very dimly on a parent leaving a 4 month old alone in the house to do the school run. You are unhinged.

Fyette · 08/06/2019 09:44

There is no such thing as risk-free parenting choices. Babies are vulnerable. People are vulnerable. Awful stuff happens.

This would be quite acceptable where I live, and children are happier and healthier here than in the UK (according to Unicef).

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 09:45

Fyette

That isn’t relevant. It is deemed acceptable in many parts of the world. Here, it’s not.

Fyette · 08/06/2019 09:52

I don't see why that is not relevant. Obviously it is not an absolute truth that this is irresponsible parenting.

herculepoirot2 · 08/06/2019 09:58

Fyette

Because in this country clear guidelines exist that say this is unacceptable. You might disagree and say somewhere else it would be fine, but that doesn’t matter. Here is it considered by SS, police, HV etc to place the child at risk.

Dorsetdays · 08/06/2019 10:23

Meanwhile back in the real world...the less hysterical amongst us would simply make a point of seeing if the mum had her baby with her on the next school run and, if not, strike up a conversation with her.

If at that point there is still a real concern then report away.