AIBU to be a shocked at a parent leaving their 4 month old home alone for 10 minutes

[NotMyUsualNameNoSiree]

I overheard a conversation at school the other day, a mum was telling another mum how she left her young DD (4mo) at home while she picked up her DS (aged 5 or 6) from school.

I believe she lives around the corner and across the road from school, maybe 1 or 2 minutes walk. But pick-up would probably take 10 minutes in total to get the kid, get him ready, leave school premises and get home.

Of course I rationally know that no harm is likely to come to a 4mo left alone for ten minutes. But even if it's very very unlikely that anything bad would happen (to the baby, or the mum, or the older kid), it still gives me the chills to think about it.

Instinctively I want to say something, whether to her or the school. But I don't know if I'm being over cautious.

Don’t tell the school. It is literally nothing to do with them. And you will be labelled. I think the right thing to do is have a word with her but it takes balls. It could cause an awful lot of trouble for her family.

chipsandwich something similar here, I worked nights as a nurse and had 3 boys, aged 2, 5, 7 at the time. My car died and my husband had to take me to and from work, taking the boys of course.

Chatting to my elderly next door neighbour I mentioned that the boys were often asleep when h picked me up in the morning. I meant they were asleep in the car, but she assumed they were home alone and threatened me with SS.

I was livid and told her so. We’re still friends.

@Pigletthedog it's not good to split up families with your job.

Honestly OP don't get involved. It's none of your business.

If it was reported to SS they wouldn’t remove the child if it was just this. What would happen is that it would prompt a joint visit from the police and social services.

If everything else were in order it is unlikely that police would prosecute and social services would offer advice and support.

As you can imagine, a lot of visits don’t result in formal action being taken BUT this does not mean that the person was wrong to refer, it’s absolutely the right thing to do, you don’t know if there are any other pieces to the puzzle, and if there aren’t, then the mother receives a bit of a scare and advice.

If she lives so close to the school it’s unlikely this is the only time she’s done it, I do get it, I have a 2.5 and a 1 year old, but you just can’t leave them alone. Yes, the chances of something happening are not huge, but we are 100% responsible for these tiny vulnerable humans and it’s just not worth the risk of the worst case scenario and it’s our job as parents to realise that.

@morallybankruptme what are you talking about?

Talk to her about it rather than going straight to the school. She may be struggling and the last thing she needs is judgement. Not everyone is born knowing what’s best! Definitely not something I would do but have a conversation with her if you are going to say something.

I think you're right to keep an eye and not report to SS. Perhaps you could befriend her - that way you might get a better idea of how things are.

I do understand how it's done though. I remember when dd was around that age I left her asleep and ran down the road to post urgent letter. The outing took around 5 mins but I felt terrible the whole way, fearing something would happen to me and no-one would know she was there. I would have been horrified if someone had called social services though - I didnt do it again.

I would have been horrified if someone had called social services though - I didnt do it again.

Unfortunately, your horror at the thought of SS - understandable as it is - isn’t as important as your child’s right to be supervised. Calling SS is something I would find incredibly difficult because I know how upsetting it would be for the parent to get that call or visit, but if I thought the child was possibly at risk I wouldn’t let the fact that it would upset you stop me.

I am still in shock that people lack the ability to mind their own business. Unless you can offer help in some way, mind your business. The person suggesting reporting the woman to safeguarding is probably the same sort of person who would befriend you and chat shit to everyone in the school if she found a solitary quaver mashed into your carpet, because you were neglecting your children by failing to hoover it up instantly. These heauxs ain't loyal.

I am still in shock that people lack the ability to mind their own business. Unless you can offer help in some way, mind your business. The person suggesting reporting the woman to safeguarding is probably the same sort of person who would befriend you and chat shit to everyone in the school if she found a solitary quaver mashed into your carpet, because you were neglecting your children by failing to hoover it up instantly. These heauxs ain't loyal.

Loyal? No, I am not “loyal” when people neglect their children. Who do you think I owe my loyalty to in this situation? What benefit to the child is conferred by “minding your business”?

It’s all a question of risk assessment and judgement as a parent, isn’t it?
If you have non-mobile baby who has just gone down for a nap and is highly likely to sleep for an hour & school is just across the road, with child likely to be waiting at the gate... then I think it’s fairly low risk. But slightly more mobile baby, or less likely to sleep, or school further away, or more busy with more children... then higher risk.
However, would I report to SS without this kind of detail? Nope.
As for the idea of mum being surgically attached to baby; that’s why we cut the umbilical cord! Babies can be put down safely on their own in a room for a bit. Better if parents are in earshot; but for 5 mins to pop to the loo? Yep, that’s ok, in my view.

This may get deleted BUT -

There's a very famous case of a little girl and her twin brothers all under the age of 4 left on holiday alone for the parents to go to dinner - this divided the nation some say the parents were neglectful and others say they were fine to do what they did. I think we all fall down hard on one side of the fence or the other.

The police would take an interest, basing their view that the child was at risk on the advice provided by the NSPCC, that a baby should never be left alone. That advice is unequivocal.

herculepoirot2 is cheerfully making up her own rules, but is talking more and more nonsense as the thread goes on.

We get it, you don't like it. You don't have to agree. It still isn't neglect or abuse or anything that is worth reporting.

Are you keeping an eye on all the new parent in your neighbour ready to report anyone in their garden or out of the house chatting away whilst their baby is inside unsupervised?

If you want to report someone, please start with the parents who dump their kids at soft plays and ignore them for 2 hours. At least that would help the rest of us, thank you.

bingowingsandthings
wasn't there also a case of a child taken away from her bath whilst her mother was in the house?
As horrendous as it is, and god knows that was, it doesn't mean all the parents who don't stay in the bathroom with their children are neglectful and should be reported to SS

MorondelaFrontera

I didn’t make anything up. A former child protection officer posted earlier on the thread, confirming that this is not okay. The NSPCC website clearly states that it is never considered okay to leave a baby alone. What have I made up?

herculepoirot2
The opinion of a random poster online calling themselves whatever they want doesn't make them right.

Engage brain, of course the official advice cannot possibly be: yes, it's fine to leave your baby for 3.5 minutes. People use common sense, the fact that it's not illegal is a clue too.

I have seen a woman leaving her newborn baby in the ward when she went to the toilet. Should I report her?

On Mumsnet every summer holidays is a post about how long to leave your 7 year old/9 year old/12 year old etc and what is considered ok. I had no idea that people considered leaving their 4 month old, unthinkable on every level.

So many of you sound like you'd do a stand up job with the Stasi. Well done. 👏👏

Engage brain, of course the official advice cannot possibly be: yes, it's fine to leave your baby for 3.5 minutes.

Why not? If it’s fine, why doesn’t the advice reflect that?

People use common sense, the fact that it's not illegal is a clue too.

It IS illegal if the child is deemed to be at risk, and the advice is that it is never appropriate to leave a baby alone because obviously they will be at risk.

To be honest with you, I am finished debating this issue with you (specifically). You are being ridiculous, in my opinion, but you aren’t going to see that so goodnight.

To be honest, if I was going to call myself 'whatever I wanted' I'd probably go more glamorous, or at least something more weighty, than ex-child protection police officer.

None of us know who anyone is on this forum, except us ourselves. And I know that this is not ok.

I had no idea that people considered leaving their 4 month old, unthinkable on every level.

I'd be more comfortable leaving a 4 months old for a few minutes than a young child who can wander around the house. My 4 month old didn't usually jump out of their cot and end up in all sort of mischief.

So nobody on this thread has left their baby in another room for 10 mins in a safe place (cot say)?

I can't say I'd go out and do a shop but I can't see the difference between this and popping into the garden to do a bit of weeding or starting the dinner in the kitchen and popping back to check on the child every so often. Assuming as above that the child is in a safe place and can't fall, smother themselves etc...

herculepoirot2
You are being so horrible, I sincerely hope none of your neighbours and friends have young children. It's not healthy.

@MorondelaFrontera exactly this.

Deeply unpleasant surveillance of other people's parenting. Appalling behaviour.

Hercule. And we know that of course all healthcare professionals slavishly follow the advice they are duty bound to give out don’t we? 😳