AIBU to be a shocked at a parent leaving their 4 month old home alone for 10 minutes

[NotMyUsualNameNoSiree]

I overheard a conversation at school the other day, a mum was telling another mum how she left her young DD (4mo) at home while she picked up her DS (aged 5 or 6) from school.

I believe she lives around the corner and across the road from school, maybe 1 or 2 minutes walk. But pick-up would probably take 10 minutes in total to get the kid, get him ready, leave school premises and get home.

Of course I rationally know that no harm is likely to come to a 4mo left alone for ten minutes. But even if it's very very unlikely that anything bad would happen (to the baby, or the mum, or the older kid), it still gives me the chills to think about it.

Instinctively I want to say something, whether to her or the school. But I don't know if I'm being over cautious.

Hang on... I’ve literally never thought of this before, but when you think about it, some of these posts don’t make sense... if mother gets hit by a car, the baby would be killed too if it was with her. Good point about the fact that any carer can have a fall/aneurysm whatever in the home.

the big problem with leaving a child is that once they are mobile, they could endanger themselves, or the house and thus themselves (fire etc), which is why you cannot leave them alone, and once they are aware of their surroundings, babies/toddlers/young kids get distressed by being being left alone.

If ever there was an age to leave them, it’s sub 9 months old - as, weirdly, if you think about it, they are technically safer at home strapped in a seat rather than strapping them into a death machine (car) or walking them out into the street in a pram. Once they are mobile, the death machine (car) with their carer is still dangerous but much less dangerous than the harm that might befall them if left alone.
Never thought about it that way before but it is actually a weirdly true thing that technically it IS safer to leave a non-walking baby at home 🤷‍♀️

I was horrified when my colleague told me he and his wife used to leave their kids in bed to go out for a drink. But, if you’re seriously talking about leaving a sleeping baby for 10 mins to walk to the school, then YABU. The balance of risks is not necessarily in favour of taking the baby along. ‘What ifs’ would then also need to include loose dogs, random psychopaths, traffic pollution, and the harm done to the baby’s sleep and possibly to the mother’s mental health.

Never thought about it that way before but it is actually a weirdly true thing that technically it IS safer to leave a non-walking baby at home

Our judgement on all these things are a mixture of culture, instinct and actual risk assessment, even though we feel like it's all the latter. It's like how most cultures feel instinctively that babies should sleep in their parents bed, even though statistically a separate sleep surface for baby is (slightly) safer. Most western women would feel that strapping a very young (non-sitting) baby to your back was both unsafe and anxiety inducing - you can't see them! - but in much of the world it's normal. Whether or not you think leaving a baby in a pram outside while you're inside is safe or crazy is very cultural.

We also have to balance out other concerns and priorities - a baby who was only picked up when absolutely necessary would have a very low risk of having any form of accidental injury, but the risk to their emotional and social development far outweigh that. Similarly, you're right that they're safest at home - but by that logic you'd never leave the house with them, and that would be harmful in and of itself.

The balance of risks is not necessarily in favour of taking the baby along. ‘What ifs’ would then also need to include loose dogs, random psychopaths, traffic pollution, and the harm done to the baby’s sleep and possibly to the mother’s mental health.

This isn’t really the point either. In most situations when out and about with your baby, you, the parent, are there to mitigate the risk of the baby getting hit by a car, bitten by a dog, etc. You are the last line of defence because it’s your baby.

When you leave the baby home alone, there is no last line of defence. However unlikely it is that you would leave the back door open by mistake, it happens. I did it and a fox walked in to my house. Luckily I was there and it didn’t chew my baby’s face off. If I had walked out of the front door leaving my baby asleep and the back door open, my child could have been killed.

The point isn’t that we need to constantly “risk assess”. We just need to be there for our children so we can do our best.

And when my baby was young, my key snapped in the lock. Nobody’s fault. I had to call a locksmith and he came out an hour or so later. What would I have done if my baby had been in the house alone?

Risk is only part of the picture.

There are far more dangerous things to report to 'the authorities' if you're concerned about keeping the world a safer place. Drivers on their phones for example. I'd keep your nose out

we just need to be there for our children so we can do our best

Which is what I expect the mum in this situation is trying to do. Like all of us, very occasionally we get it wrong or we make a call that perhaps someone else wouldn’t.

That doesn’t mean we’re terrible parents and it doesn’t mean it’s a slippery slope and before you know it our DC will be feral, starved or neglected.

Mums really don’t need the judgement of other mums who think they have all the answers because they’re superior parents and can therefore lecture others about their wrongdoings.

Dorsetdays

Lecturing and judging has nothing to do with it. It is a simple belief that this is unacceptable. The mother might need support. The child might need intervention. Or not.

Unacceptable to you, you clearly don’t speak for everyone.

Dorsetdays

Clearly not. That’s irrelevant.

Its not irrelevant to the OP (who funnily enough knows more about the situation than you do).

The OP asked should I have reported it. They then clarified there were no other concerns, wasn’t usual behaviour and considered other ways they could offer some help to the mum if it was needed.

Vast majority of posters therefore saying, maybe not what I would do and not something you’d condone generally but can understand and it’s low risk as a one off.

STILL you insist the OP should report...even though they, and most others, don’t agree.

Dorsetdays

I am not insisting she should report. I am saying I would, and think she ought to. I don’t have to change that view just because certain others don’t share it.

but if something doesn't sit right I escalate it further for follow up.

I call bullshit. Judgmental and hysterical people like you would have A LOT to report. How many times in real life have you really reported someone that "didn't sit right"?

Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing you don't, but many of you are talking absolute bollocks. You also judge other people by your own standards, and escalate things in a way reasonable people wouldn't, which say a lot more about you than them. If you can't trust yourself with your own baby, don't project on other parents who are doing just fine.

MorondelaFrontera

I have never felt that I needed to make a call to SS. I have reported safeguarding concerns as part of my job.

Never! I live a 2-3 minute walk from DS’s school and I would never leave DD at home.

It's not that I've decided not to report it ever, it's that I've decided to keep an eye on the situation and to offer to help out.

I don't think that she's a bad 'un, I suspect she just made the choice based on the fact her DD was sleeping and getting her out of the house (flat?) would have been a hassle. It doesn't make it the right choice (in my opinion), but I don't think it's indicative of an over all lack of care.

@herculepoirot2 has been given a hard time, she is expressing things I have thought, as have several others who haven't been as involved in the ongoing discussion - their angle seems to be coming from a point of kindness and care, and I tend to think that too much care is better than not enough (ditto over-reporting is better than under-reporting).

And everyone is right that leaving a 4 month old is practically the best time to leave a child alone, if she'd left her active and mobile DS home alone, I'd be much more concerned.

I volunteer at a local primary school and my recent safeguarding training said they would rather be told about something to discover it was nothing at all than to have to deal with something that could have been prevented and their responsibility extends to all children even if they don't attend that school. We are strongly advised to let the safeguarding officer aware and let them deal with it.

Notmyusualname. Which was the point I was making...most normal people would not report ONE occasion of fairly low risk behaviour to SS. You might be more alert to it and perhaps speak to the mum involved so you have a better grasp of the facts but you wouldn’t rush off to file a report.

Hope you manage to allay any concerns you might have had.

Who says the mum has it wrong? Just because her decision isn't the one you would take doesn't mean that she's wrong and you are right! I bet lots of mums in the real world would make this decision, especially if the baby is difficult to get to sleep and she might have spent all afternoon trying to get her to have a nap and really not want to wake her. Life is full of little risks, we all have to weigh up those risks and what appears as a big risk to one won't be to someone a bit more level-headed with clearer thinking. There's really a lot more can happen to a baby in a pram on the school run than lying in it's cot at home.

Who says the mum has it wrong? I did. That's why I used the term 'in my opinion'.

In my opinion, wrong.

In your opinion, not wrong.

That's literally how opinions work.

Fresta

No one says I am definitely right and she is definitely wrong. I have no power to do anything other than - in the OP’s shoes - report it. If you are right and I am wrong, no harm will be done.

I generally disagree with most/a lot of mn'ers on what warrants reporting!

Most people don't take too kindly to being reported.

In all honesty, I think that one of my greatest fear of leaving a baby unattended at home for 10mins would be if SS found out and there were repursions. Two scenarios: 1/ mother leaves baby in house alone. Checks baby I'd asleep and windows and doors all locked. 2/ baby asleep in cot with a house window open or side door unlocked, whilst they were out in their large back garden. If a person broke into the house and stole the baby, my bet is that the first parent would face the wrath of SS and indeed the public (who would hate them). The second parent would probably receive sympathy and no blame. Which took the greater risk? Well, they were probably pretty similar. We do definitely have a culture that it is wrong to leave your property. On the other hand, if ten mins was considered acceptable, then there would always be some numpty who would stretch 10 mins into half an HR or more.

Tell the school’s dedicated safeguarding officer

Nothing to do with the school, they waste enough time dealing with ineffectual parents and their stupid decisions.

Not sure it's anything to do with the school particularly, I'd call social services and the police personally. I'm sure that's neglect and illegal. How irresponsible that poor baby.