That he isn't THAT busy while WFH.

[Itactuallyneverends]

Disclaimer, I love DH very much but bloody hell he pisses me off sometimes .......
I commute 2 hours per day.
DH WFH.
We both train daily, plus DH has sport commitments for himself and DSS 4 nights per week.
We have a cleaner.
Every bloody night I come home and something needs doing before I can start dinner. Either it's dishes in the sinks, dishwasher needing unloaded, bins needing going out, washing bringing in. I am
Completely demented by it.
I know he's busy. But surely if he has time to go to the gym or take DSS to sport or training himself. He can unload a bloody dishwasher.
When asked, he says oh sorry been manic. Surely he's not that busy to do one small job through the day ....
rant over, I've just taken all our bins out in the dark. Going to pour a large wine and do nothing til DH gets home in an hour.
(Ps live overseas, don't have a drink problem ....)

I'd very very pissed off having to do bins in the dark, if someone else could have done them in Daylight no matter how busy they were

When he says, "Sorry, it's been manic" reply "Then do it now" and wait.

Feel your pain OP. My husband is the same. When I work from home I get a few loads of washing done, something in the slow cooker, kitchen tidied etc etc and I’ve got a much busier job than my husband, I just fit it in between calls etc. When he works from home, place is a bomb site, nothing is really done but he’s managed to make himself a slap up lunch. Does my head in. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just more efficient than he is and I prioritise things differently...doesn’t stop me losing it sometimes though!!

I'm up an hour before him every day, never get a cuppa in bed. Would love to get home to dinner being made. He like it to be a joint effort .... Sometimes I will stick washing on before work only to find it still in the machine when I get home. I'll say, did you not hear the machine. He says yeah but I shut the laundry door because it's annoying ..... I'm shattered and grumpy.

What is he doing whilst you commute? Surely that could be jobs time.
DH does WFH 3 days a week. Recently he's been working 7am-6pm but on days when he's doing less he will make supper, empty the dishwasher etc.

What’s happening while you’re clearing up before you start dinner? Where is he? And why doesn’t he sometimes cook dinner?
And why do you have to empty the dishwasher before starting dinner? Just both do it after dinner?

Yup. I got home the other day from taking DS to a sporting event at around 3pm on a weekend and the fucking breakfast dishes were piled up in the sink. I did lose it at that point.

I think DH just doesn't literally doesn't see the mess. He did all the dishes that night though and has been much better since. It's bloody irritating though. I can't stand the whole "do nothing unless specifically instructed" approach. No, you are a grown man and a parent now, time to grow up.

I did falsely accuse him recently though. I kept finding pairs of his socks everywhere and he swore he wasn't leaving them out. It turns our dog was ninja-warrioring his way into our sliding door wardrobes whenever he thought we weren't looking and helping himself to DH's socks!

Sounds like he needs a schedule - one of the tricky thins about WFH is trying not to get distracted by house stuff (I’m working today but now in the kitchen making a brew and put a cake in for DD’s school bake sale, put a load of washing on, now got a load to hang up, went on my phone and ended up on here! Dishwasher is full so I know I should do that now, floor needs a sweep. And all the time I’m conscious I should be working (one business so don’t panic that I’m being paid to do all this shit!).

Maybe he needs to factor in an hour, whether midway through the day or either end, where it’s his ACTUAL fucking job to get this stuff done, it’s not optional! YANBU

*own business

I was fully prepared to come on here and tell you that WFH does NOT mean doing all the chores/ childcare etc. However, I think you do have a right to be annoyed on this. At the very least, if he's working for the extra two hours while you're commuting, then at the end of the day, doing all these chores should not be your problem.

I think you're being unreasonable to get home expecting a beautiful clean house and a meal cooked. But you're not unreasonable for him to step up and do half the chores if you're both working full time.

I work from home and it annoys me beyond belief that people think that because I'm home, I can be accepting parcels or washing up or whatever. I'm working. If I don't get everything done, I won't get paid, and 20 minutes here and half an hour there add up...

But I wash up in the morning while DP commutes, and if something really needs to be done, I work that in to my schedule where I can. He tends to take the bin out in the morning when he starts his commute, as he's going out already. It is still even. It's rare that I cook ready for when he gets home, but he's home by 6pm and we like to cook together. He doesn't generally come home to a house with a lot of chores waiting!

I think you're being unreasonable to get home expecting a beautiful clean house and a meal cooked. But you're not unreasonable for him to step up and do half the chores if you're both working full time.
^ This. So much this.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Does he think he’s doing 50/50?

Dh and I both have a long commute, and both have odd days wfh. With the extra time I find I can go to the gym, do several loads of laundry, tidy round and prep the evening meal.

Dh just works from home.

I never said I 'expect' sparkling clean house and a meal cooked ......

It wouldn't be healthy for him to work non stop all day without a break occasionally, and surely he's entitled to a lunch break? I WFH most of the week and it's not difficult to take 5 minutes occasionally to hang up some washing or empty a dishwasher. I usually run round with the vacuum during my lunch break and do a few other chores.

There's a reason it's called working from home
I work from home and manage to get a bit done around the house but it's a BONUS, not an expectation. Many a time, I stand up and realise I haven't moved from the desk for 3 hours. I'm sure I'd move more if I was in an office!

Yes as above, he should be doing at least half! Plus taking into account you have a commute. He’s taking the piss. If you leave at say 7:30 and he doesn’t start WFH until say 8:30, what does he do in that hour? Also takes no time to press buttons on the dishwasher. Also depends what he does. I WFH but, as you can tell, I do have time to sod about on mumsnet!

I think DH just doesn't literally doesn't see the mess

Oh god, not this again. Of course he does. He just thinks it’s your job to tidy up after his lazy arse as he’d rather spend his time doing something fun. Wouldn’t we all...

OP YANBU. And he should be making you dinner.

I never said I 'expect' sparkling clean house and a meal cooked ......
No! We know you didn’t. We mean the 50/50 share isn’t unreasonable to ask (whereas the sparkling house and dinner on the table would be.)

YANBU

Tell him from now on you want to split the dinner duties 50/50, you cook one night but he cooks the next. Be prepared to go out and get yourself a sandwich /ready meal when you get back on 'his' night and are told he didn't have time and now he and DSS are going to sport. They will have to go hungry or sort themselves out. No more 'joint effort' cooking as it leaves you with too much to do.

my husband used to be like this - and as soon as i realised i was becoming my mother (who does EVERYTHING) for my father - i stopped. I only washed mine and the childresn clothes. He realised this when he had no more pants and socks. I stopped unloading and filling the dishwasher - handwashed what me and the kids needed after every meal. I would do the bins every other week. I have a canteen so i bring food back for the family daily and on the weekends we share the cooking - he does do his fair share of that. Hes changed now - has it in his diary as a reminder to do certain things - it worked for us.

Of course he has time to empty the bloody dishwasher. When I wfh I do little jobs like that while making a coffee/waiting for kettle to boil/getting lunch. If I was in office that time would be spent just hanging round the kettle.

I WFH 2 days a week, and I cook dinner for the family and do a small amount of housework on those days or it wouldn't get done. Unless someone has a crazy job where you have to work 10 hours+, I don't see why this isn't possible.

Hmm. DH and I had a "discussion" about his inability to see what needs doing last week. His eyes have magically started working again.

I WFH sometimes and if there's stuff that needs doing, I do what I can in the difference between my working day and OH's working day plus commuting time. Vice versa when I go into the office (I have a longer commute). Everything else is split. I can get a lot done in that time. However, I do have a tendency to just keep going past my finishing time when I WFH - is that part of the problem?