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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That he isn't THAT busy while WFH.

143 replies

Itactuallyneverends · 06/06/2019 09:45

Disclaimer, I love DH very much but bloody hell he pisses me off sometimes .......
I commute 2 hours per day.
DH WFH.
We both train daily, plus DH has sport commitments for himself and DSS 4 nights per week.
We have a cleaner.
Every bloody night I come home and something needs doing before I can start dinner. Either it's dishes in the sinks, dishwasher needing unloaded, bins needing going out, washing bringing in. I am
Completely demented by it.
I know he's busy. But surely if he has time to go to the gym or take DSS to sport or training himself. He can unload a bloody dishwasher.
When asked, he says oh sorry been manic. Surely he's not that busy to do one small job through the day ....
rant over, I've just taken all our bins out in the dark. Going to pour a large wine and do nothing til DH gets home in an hour.
(Ps live overseas, don't have a drink problem ....)

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 06/06/2019 10:54

Would he live in a hovel with dirty clothes, no dinner and no clean dishes if you weren't there?

Of course not.

Fucker.

S1naidSucks · 06/06/2019 10:55

This is the misogynistic mindset, that views man’s work as more important that woman’s. It wouldn’t matter if you both did the same job, somehow his is always going to be busier, he’s needed more by the clients, etc. He needs to pull his weight.

SignedUpJust4This · 06/06/2019 10:55

Has he explained why he feels theses tasks are your responsibility? Is it because you are female? Is it because you are not an equal? Or is his time just more important than yours? Selfish prick. give him a list of things he's expected to do every day and don't lift a finger til he does his bit.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/06/2019 10:57

Maybe he needs to get up when you do and sort the bins/dishwasher if he feels there isn't sufficient time in the day?
Presumably he gets a lunch break and could wash up or prep some of the dinner. Other people do chores during some of their lunch break and he's already at an advantage by not having a commute . It's really unfair to leave it to you when you leave early and come home late.

Musicaltheatremum · 06/06/2019 11:01

My boyfriend works from home. He does the washing and hangs it up at lunchtime and even cuts the grass. He lives alone (when I'm not there😀) so if he doesn't do it noone will.

SignedUpJust4This · 06/06/2019 11:01

my friend just had a baby and now that she's on mat leave has learned that her useless husband who WFH still has time for a 2hr nap every day! I bet if you could see what he's up to all day he hs plenty of down time.

Pinkvoid · 06/06/2019 11:04

My DP used to be like this so I stopped doing so much and now he’s got the hint. Sometimes you need to make a point of not constantly picking up the slack otherwise nothing will change.

SignedUpJust4This · 06/06/2019 11:04

I pray that someone comes up with a cure for lazy man child syndrome before my daughters grow up. The thought of them still dealing with this shit fills me with sadness.

BIWI · 06/06/2019 11:04

Quite apart from the time you spend on your commute, when he could be be doing stuff, he also doesn't have the same down time that work-based people do - all the time spent hanging around the kitchen chatting to others, for example - so in between jobs/tasks it is perfectly feasible to do some of those jobs. Takes only 5 minutes to put the bins out. Another 5 to empty the dishwasher. Another 5 to load or unload the washing machine.

He is being massively unreasonable.

However you are also, if you're not careful, taking on the role of the martyr. When you get home, when it's a bomb with, you mustn't then go into the kitchen and start clearing cup!

You sit down, pour yourself a glass of wine, say 'God, what I day I've had. I'm not going into that kitchen to start dinner until you've cleared up.'

And sit there till he gets the point.

BIWI · 06/06/2019 11:06

bomb with? bomb site, obviously!

spanishwife · 06/06/2019 11:08

I work from home and honestly, days can get manic once it gets going. But, for the sake of a clean house, I get up earlier and do 30mins of housework/house admin to keep on top of it.

That is reasonable to me - can you suggest this to DP?

ethelfleda · 06/06/2019 11:08

YANBU OP
I wfh a couple of days a week and even when I am really busy, I still step away to make a coffee/bit of lunch and load/unload washing machine etc. Doesn’t take long!

LondonJax · 06/06/2019 11:14

DH works from home three days a week. I run my own business from home.

I put the washing on in the morning as that's DH's busiest part of his day - he's catching overseas clients at the beginning and end of day. He'll then have a break mid morning and he always checks the washing machine. He'll then hang it out or stick it in the tumble dryer if it's a wet day.

I'm normally busy until lunch time - I've always shut down for lunch for 30 minutes or so (when I worked outside the house I'd take myself away from my desk for 30 minutes or so, so I got a break and I've stuck to that with my own business). I make lunch and he washes up. If it's a day when he's out of the home then I'll do the dishes - I've had the food!

I've never come home to a sink full of cups even at weekends. But then DH washes up when he's in his main office as he hates seeing dirty plates piled up (not obsessed but he just can't see why people would walk past a sink of dishes and leave them for 'someone else' - who doesn't actually exist!)

He also does a lot of the ironing - he was out of work a few years ago and decided it was 'something to do'. And I've never mentioned it, cos I hate ironing (I'd rather clean the loo than iron), he wears clothes too so why shouldn't he do the ironing? I clean the house (including the loo - told you I prefer it) and cook most of the meals. He'll do the hoovering at the weekend if it needs doing - depends who gets to the hoover first. He does the bins as that's a day he goes into work so he puts them out as he leaves. If he's away or running late I'll do it.

His view is it's his house too, he makes a mess - he clears it up, he eats or drinks - he washes up, he needs clean clothes - he puts a wash on if need be. I work, he works and our DS needs to see there is no such thing as 'this is your job, this is my job'. DS needs to learn that if it needs to be done, do it. DS will have his own home one day and will need to keep it clean, eat, wash his clothes etc so DH also sees it as his role to show DS that it's not 'unmanly' to run a hoover over a floor or cook a meal and you shouldn't expect praise or a thank you for it (other than the normal polite thank you for a nice meal - which I always get and give if he cooks - or for any extra help).

DH's dad and my dad always did housework if they were home before our mums (and they'd both be over 90 years old now if they were still alive so it's not a generational thing). Both our dads used to do shift work so would sometimes be the first home and dinner would be prepared if not cooked when the mums got home from work.

I don't think either of our mums would tolerate coming home from work and having to start again if someone was in the house before them, whether that was our dads or us kids.

There'd be a note for us kids when we came home from school with lists of tasks like peel potatoes, switch oven on at 5pm, get the washing in from the clothes line. If it needed doing you did it. It was a shared role as it's a shared home, so I suppose we've both just seen it as the way things are done.

YetAnotherThing · 06/06/2019 11:14

So I married a good one, it’s possible. My DH WFH a day or two a week (fitted round the days when I know I might come home late from work) so someone’s home for kids at 6 when they get back. But during the day he does manage to shove a load of washing in, or hang it up. Same with dishwasher etc. He would also say, it takes 2 mins. I would like to think I trained him, but in truth he’s never seen it as wife work, more about who’s home. But his mates are mostly quite similar. His mum didn’t train him though. Jeez, his dad barely lifts his fork!

JemSynergy · 06/06/2019 11:16

My DH woks from home if he has time he will sometimes unload the dishwasher but it is very rare as he is back to back with calls and presentations/ webinars etc so he doesn't even have time to eat lunch some days. My issue is the fact he doesn't do anything around the house on the weekend at all. Angry

Lweji · 06/06/2019 11:17

It looks like you (he) needs a schedule, like he'd have in an office.
Set up times he's expected to work, and the other times where he can do house work. The house work can be fitted to match your commute.

I really don't see why dinner has to be made by both, unless you use it as connecting with each other time. If it's only work, then just tell him occasionally that you're too tired from the commute and will he please do it himself.

clucky3 · 06/06/2019 11:24

This thread is making me feel less alone. It's depressing but also a bit comforting to know that most of the men are shit in this way, not just mine.

DishingOutDone · 06/06/2019 11:26

Is it because he is a man that he needs help to understand what to do? Do his testicles get in his eyes?

HennyPennyHorror · 06/06/2019 11:28

I work from home and just today have decided that I can no longer do ANY housework. None. Not even emptying a dishwasher.

It's interfering terribly with my work and DH is taking it for granted.

I think YABU to a point but he could do more after he stops work.

DishingOutDone · 06/06/2019 11:28

LondonJax's DH does not have trouble with testicles in his eyes. He seems like a functioning human being. I meant don't get me wrong, its easily done, my H is like it too - everything must be explained, and most things are "not fair". Which is why he's a STBExH.

justmyview · 06/06/2019 11:31

I got home the other day from taking DS to a sporting event at around 3pm on a weekend and the fucking breakfast dishes were piled up in the sink. I did lose it at that point. I think DH just doesn't literally doesn't see the mess

Oh he sees the mess, no doubt about that. He leaves it because he thinks it's your job

DoingItForTheKids · 06/06/2019 11:34

I work from home. It's a really busy job and it needs concentration. I got fed up of my husband assuming I could do all the house stuff 'while I was at work' if I went to work it wouldn't get done so I stopped doing it while I was 'at work'. We need to share the house stuff regardless of where I physically work.

He's slowly getting the message. While I'm at work, I work. We then share the cleaning etc outside of this when we are both home from work.

Where people work is a bit of a red herring, it's more about sharing the load regardless.

Equimum · 06/06/2019 11:41

From what you are saying he does do, it certainly sounds like he could do more.

I was going to say the opposite, as my DH tends to WFH to get a bulk amount of work done. When he’s home, he’ll normally disappear into the study at 7am and barely emerge until late evening. But that diesn’t Seem to be the same for your DH, and if mine worked less hours when at home, I would expect him to help more.

SheeshazAZ09 · 06/06/2019 11:48

I sympathisehe should be doing 50% of the house stuff. I suggest two things should happen1) you have a serious, calm talk in which you tell him your view; 2) you start making 'to do' lists for him and leaving them in an agreed place where they are seen, eg on the fridge or by the kettle. The latter might seem patronising but you can point out that many ppl rely on making lists for themselves so why not?

geekone · 06/06/2019 11:49

I WFH I don’t do anything other than work or walk the dog during lunch during the day. However I can manage to put my dishes in the washer after I have finished and I manage to do stuff before 8.30 and after 5pm any job work needing to be done after my core hours is mixed in with housework.
To be fair my DH does most of our house work so there is not much.

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