That he isn't THAT busy while WFH.

[Itactuallyneverends]

Disclaimer, I love DH very much but bloody hell he pisses me off sometimes .......
I commute 2 hours per day.
DH WFH.
We both train daily, plus DH has sport commitments for himself and DSS 4 nights per week.
We have a cleaner.
Every bloody night I come home and something needs doing before I can start dinner. Either it's dishes in the sinks, dishwasher needing unloaded, bins needing going out, washing bringing in. I am
Completely demented by it.
I know he's busy. But surely if he has time to go to the gym or take DSS to sport or training himself. He can unload a bloody dishwasher.
When asked, he says oh sorry been manic. Surely he's not that busy to do one small job through the day ....
rant over, I've just taken all our bins out in the dark. Going to pour a large wine and do nothing til DH gets home in an hour.
(Ps live overseas, don't have a drink problem ....)

I don't think the OP means he has to be the housekeeper - just that there are some quick chores that he could be doing during the day!

During the working day he is working. His rest periods are for resting, just as it would be if he was in the office. He is not available to do chores. Yes, he might have the odd five minutes down time, as might the person working in the office, but there is no reason why he should use that to do household chores. WfH does not make you more responsible for the housework than the person who is working outside the home.

2 full time workers, chores should be shared equally, regardless of the place of work.

I wfh too.

I prepare in a morning as though I am going out to work. So all jobs like dishes, washing in, washing out etc. I try not to do anything domestic at all during the hours I am working. Because I am working. I rarely even stop for lunch, just work from 9.15 to 2.30pm, then pick ds up.

Then do everything else once I am home from the school run.

Its not what he doesn't do during the working day that's the issue, it's what he doesn't do at the start and end of each day.

Unless he is making a mess and leaving ot for you in which case he is a knobber.

I WFH a lot. DH not as much.
Kitchen is usually cleaned in the evening (dishwasher run and emptied last thing).

So, after breakfast, everything goes in dishwasher. No exceptions. He/she who finishes breakfast last wipes the table.
So, the kitchen looks as it did before breakfast.
If you have time to make a wonderful lunch DH, you must use your time management skills to assess if you have time to clean up too. If not, pick an easier lunch.

It's this steady drip drip drip of lazy shit that destroys marriages. Having been married to two lazy waste of spaces who didn't do anything I decided I'm not having any more men in my life. I'm not a bloody maid I'd rather live on my own.

He won’t change, end of.
So you suck it up and become more and more bitter and irritated inside.
Or leave.

mrsm43s

Which does not apply if the person is regularly taking two hours out to go to the gym.

If he's done his share of the chores (that'll be half since they both work FT), then why should he not go to the gym?

Just because he works from home rather than in the office, it does not make him responsible for more of the housework.

You said he takes DSS to an activity. Is that something your DH also does each time or is it an activity solely for DSS? If it's just for DSS, then I'd say that counts as a household chore. But it does sound like he could do more and has a bit of a 'I'm more important' attitude.

On the other hand, @mrsm43s, the OP's DH doesn't have the same commute that she does - so he could help out a bit and use that time, surely?

No-one is talking about him doing a full-scale clean of the house during the day! Just bits and pieces here and there. Which is what the OP has said too.

And don't go on about the 'he's working' and he needs 'rest' periods! Taking washing out of the machine equally qualifies as a rest from working!. If he's got time to 'rest' he's got time to take the bins out. Nothing that needs to take than 5 minutes.

I wfh and i do not do housework between 9am and 6pm. not because i don't have five minutes spare here and there but because i don't have the headspace. even if i'm making a cup of tea i'm thinking about my next item on my todo list or whatever i'm writing or researching.
i do dishwasher food prep etc while cooking for ds at 6.
to be honest i don't understand why you need to deal with bins or laundry before you can cook dinner?

I feel your pain. My dh can go out and buy a new car, or go on a bike ride, or do diy/gardening when he works from home but if I ask him to do something or finish half hour earlier to have dd he's all noooo I'm sooooo busy

If OP is using that time to do chores, then I guess it is only reasonable that her DH does too. But if she, like my DH, spends her commute reading a book, listening to the radio or watching stuff on her phone, then surely its a bit unreasonable to expect him to be doing housework whilst she reads a book...

I also think that ferrying children around is a household chore.

Whether OP has a valid complaint or not depends on whether her DH is doing half the overall chore load or not. If he is, and she is expecting him to do more than that because he wfh, then she IBU. If he isn't then HIBU, but it has nothing to do with him working from home, its to do with him not pulling his weight in general.

Things like the OP putting washing in on a morning when they are both working, and then complaining that it wasn't hung out is just wrong. Why on earth would you put washing on when both people are working and so no one is free to hang it out? She couldn't hang it out because she was at work, equally he was at work too!

And don't go on about the 'he's working' and he needs 'rest' periods! Taking washing out of the machine equally qualifies as a rest from working!. If he's got time to 'rest' he's got time to take the bins out. Nothing that needs to take than 5 minutes

So what household chores is OP doing in the office? She could darn the odd sock between calls, or maybe sort out the post while she makes a up of tea, pay the milkman while she pops to the loo etc etc. No one would expect her to do that, because she works outside the home.

Working from home is exactly the same as working in the workplace, just in a different location. If you don't have time to do chores when working in the office, don't expect someone else to have time to do so just because they happen to be working at home. They are working, and their downtime from work should be exactly the same as it is when they work in the office.

Why do so many people have difficulty understanding that when working from home, you are paid to work not to do chores or run errands? There should be no difference in a day wfh over a day worked in the office other than your location. This is why so many employers are reluctant to allow it :(

But lots of people who work in offices etc nip out to the bank or supermarket at lunchtime. All OP is asking is that he does the equivalent at home since he's there.

Not doing a commute saves loads of time and energy. He could use some of it to help out at home.

Yanbu but rather than doing some of the passive aggressive responses I think it's best to talk to him and say you'd like to write up some kind of rota of whose doing what. Maybe you could do one household chore per day and he could do 2 as you are out the house more and you could split the days for who's cooking dinner

When I worked in an office I often spent my lunch break doing household chores - ordering an online shop, paying bills, price comparison for insurance etc, buying cards and presents for family and friends and I did all the mortgage stuff for buying our house. I only went for a walk/swim/pub lunch if I had no other jobs to do. And most importantly, if I ate at work I cleared up after myself and I certainly expected others to do the same.

Now that I work from home, I have time to stick a wash on or move wet clothes to the tumble drier and I can't imagine making myself lunch and not clearing up after myself, wherever I was!

Honestly, I work a mix of in office and at home, and I really don't see anyone who routinely does chores at lunchtime or during their working day in the office. I'm not saying that they never pop to the bank etc, but they don't start every working day with the expectation that on top of their work, they will also get a big chunk of chores done.

The problem is when people assume that day in day out people working from home have time to do all the household management too. I know I certainly do take in parcels/let in workmen/pop out for a pint of milk from time to time, much like the occasional pop to the bank of a work in office person. It is still unreasonable of anyone to expect someone WfH to do extra chores because of it. And specifically leaving chores for them to do within their working day is just disrespectful.

Obviously the WfH person needs to clear up after themselves, and do 50% of the household chores as they would do if they worked outside of the home. But WfH does not mean that you are available to do more than your fair (50%) share.

Actually, thinking more about it, you can make a comparison to a work in office persons day.

Working outside the office person leaving kitchen to be cleaned/washing to be hung out/bins to be emptied to the Wfh person without prior agreement and expecting them to do it because they are at home and have a lunchbreak is the same as the working in office person getting to work, opening their bag and finding that WfH person had popped in there a couple of cheques to bank, a prescription to collect and a parcel to take to the post office, because they are "out of the house" so can do it in their lunchbreak. Without discussion, without asking what their workload was like, whether they would have time to do it, or whether they had other plans. Just expecting them to do it, because they're out of the house and they have a lunch break. It would be disrespectful, wouldn't it?

He isn’t doing a fair share and is likely to have some selfish and sexist attitudes. The status quo is clearly working well for him.

Suggest standard assertiveness: you’re angry and exhauated; you are doing way more than your fair share of the domestic work, which includes the mental load; and want him to do more, daily.

If no change, suggest couples counselling.

In the meantime I wouldn’t be cooking or doing laundry for him.

It doesn't really matter when he does his share of the chores - it's up to him to manage his time. Maybe he gives up his hobby, or maybe he gets up earlier? Up to him - he's capable of prioritising. He just chooses to de-prioritise housework at present (because its 'your' job).

In fact, many ppl would argue (including me) that since he has no commute time, he should be doing more than 50%.

Over the years I've worked from home (full time) and worked in an office (full time).

I can categorically promise you that I got more work done and more household stuff done (be that admin or more physical chores) when I worked from home.

DH and I commute, so if we get chance to WfH have three extra hours in my day, for work, domestics, parenting or leisure.

You need to be firm. Don't cook unless the sink is clear.

I also work from home and as others have said I don’t do household chores during my working day. I work and then have a break from working - just like I did when I worked in an office. If I start on chores, it’s very easy to become distracted - I find I have to shut the jobs out all together to focus.

BUT before and after the working day I do my fair share.

For me, I don’t think the fact he works from home is even relevant- the problem is he isn’t pulling his weight and doing 50:50.

Of course he could do stuff Mrsm43.
I wfh quite often, and naturally empty the dishwasher whilst waiting for the kettle to boil. Actually, I'd do that in the office too, if I were waiting for a kettle and there were a full dishwasher.

I also hang the washing out at 10am. Yes, it takes 10 mins out my day, which I then add on to my work time at the end of the day. Effectively, you take it out of the 'commute' time you don't need.

I've never worked anywhere where you have 'rest times' during the day.