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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That he isn't THAT busy while WFH.

143 replies

Itactuallyneverends · 06/06/2019 09:45

Disclaimer, I love DH very much but bloody hell he pisses me off sometimes .......
I commute 2 hours per day.
DH WFH.
We both train daily, plus DH has sport commitments for himself and DSS 4 nights per week.
We have a cleaner.
Every bloody night I come home and something needs doing before I can start dinner. Either it's dishes in the sinks, dishwasher needing unloaded, bins needing going out, washing bringing in. I am
Completely demented by it.
I know he's busy. But surely if he has time to go to the gym or take DSS to sport or training himself. He can unload a bloody dishwasher.
When asked, he says oh sorry been manic. Surely he's not that busy to do one small job through the day ....
rant over, I've just taken all our bins out in the dark. Going to pour a large wine and do nothing til DH gets home in an hour.
(Ps live overseas, don't have a drink problem ....)

OP posts:
PetrichorRain · 06/06/2019 11:53

I'm on the fence. I WFH quite a lot, and often take the opportunity to get a wash on, or do a quick tidy of the kitchen. But I can't do every household chore, because I AM working and I also have no intention of spending my entire lunch hour (if I take a lunch hour) cleaning and doing chores either.

carrotflinger · 06/06/2019 11:56

I run my small business from home and my ex never seemed to understand that this meant working on my business. He seemed to think I was sitting around in the mornings doing nothing. In the afternoons I am out visiting clients. Mornings are fully taken up with one particular aspect of the business.
His expectation of his partner was someone like his mother who is a housewife and at home all day - but cooking, cleaning, knitting etc not running a business. He was really sexist and I am glad he is an ex.
The flat was never a tip when he came in from work but he point blank refused to do any tasks around the home because he considered them to be "women's work" and I was "at home all day" so had plenty of time to do all of the household jobs. Idiot. Also he was out every night playing music which was more important than doing his fair share of the chores "I don't have time"....

So, if someone is WFH I wouldn't expect them to be doing a lot of extra things around the house during their "working hours" but tasks should be split approx 50:50. When he chooses to do his half is his business.
However, he should not be making a mess during his working day. If he makes himself lunch he should clean up after himself, emptying and loading the dishwasher as necessary. He should also be able to put in and take out washing as it doesn't take that long. He should also keep his working area clean and tidy - pretty much as you are expected to do when you work in an office.

PetrichorRain · 06/06/2019 11:57

And on days I'm in the office, I get up half an hour to an hour before DH, do food shopping at lunchtime and pick up our child from pre-school on the way home. One reason I WFH is to have some days when I'm not going flat-out, so no way would I be using the entirety of time I'd normally be commuting to do jobs, either.

ImNotNigel · 06/06/2019 11:59

It sounds to me like your husband is making the point that when he is WFH he is actually working. So you need to do things his way so he understands.

So when he is having an evening off with his sport, make sure you also have an evening off. Don’t do any housework - go out or relax at home. Make sure you do nothing else. No popping on a load of washing etc.

If all these things are too much for him to do when he is relaxing during his lunch break, they are too much for you on your night off.

If he doesn’t do housework when he’s working, neither do you. No shopping or wifework at lunchtime or on your commute.

Likewise you need to stop all this malarkey of his chores being shared and your being your sole responsibility. As a PP said, divide them up.

If he doesn’t do his, you don’t do yours. It takes some planning on your part to make sure you can do this without the kids suffering. Most men who play this game rely on the fact that you will sort things for the kids and that you care more about the mess so you will give in first.

When you come home and things aren’t done that he should have done, DONT DO THEM. I’ll admit this is REALLY HARD, it takes an iron will and far more effort than actually doing it. But it’s the only way he will learn.

He will continue doing exactly what he’s doing now as it works for him. He doesn’t care that it not working for you.

There’s nothing wrong with his eyesight or memory, it’s his sense of entitlement. All the talking and explaining and agreeing in the world won’t change this. You are fighting 40 years of conditioning that says it’s all women’s job and if a man does 20% he’s a hero.

The only thing that will work is YOU changing what YOU are doing and when that adversely affects him.

Kedgeree · 06/06/2019 12:15

He's taking the piss. I WFH (self-employed) and have time to get everything done (ok, no kids, but still...). For example, loo break consists of go upstairs, go to loo, pick up load of laundry, take downstairs and stick in machine. Tea break, get up, put kettle on, put dishwasher on or empty it while waiting for kettle or push hoover or floor mop round. Need to print something out? Printer is upstairs, so get newly washed laundry out of machine, take it upstairs and while printing is happening, hang up washing on heated airer in spare room. And so on...
Later - ready for a proper half hour break, walk down to Co-Op in village, shop for tea fixings. 5pm, start making tea. 7pm, go to fitness class, come home, eat tea with DH.

thegreatcrestednewt · 06/06/2019 12:25

You need to sit down and discuss expectations. What needs to be done by the time you come home? Who does what? Why are you cooking all the time? He should use the time you commute to do house stuff.

Plus, if he's WFH he's not focusing and concentrating for 8 hours every day, is he? He'll need to go to the loo, take a break, have lunch, have a cuppa.

I WFH and I take 5 mins to clean the bathrooms, or put on a wash, etc during the day, or put on the oven to prep tea. (Funnily enough, when my h WFH, he does none of those things... Hmm)

He needs to be organised. He should be doing more.

GoodbyeRosie · 06/06/2019 12:25

My partner is rubbish at ' traditional' household chores.

Washing up ? hardly ever.

Doesn't tidy up or vacuum, leaves empty mugs , pots etc all over

Never puts anything away , food back in the fridge, shoes in the cupboard. Just walks away from things..even daft things like leaving the laptop switched on and plugged in when she's finished using it..like who does she think is going to close it down, switch it off and put it away?

Three things are interesting about our situation though, which makes it not a problem.

  1. She has a higher threshold of ' mess' than me. I think she could do more, she thinks I should chill out. You could say we ought to accept each others foibles.

  2. She does the life admin. Bill payments, switching utilities, school admin , most of the school stuff ( drop off and pick ups, after school activities etc ) as she works more flexibly. Also does most of the cooking.

  3. If I didn't do what I do, I wouldn't be contributing as much, if anything.

My point is, think about what would happen if you swapped all responsibilities with your partner. For the OP, would you rather take DSS to all the training and stuff rather than do the bits and bobs of household things? If you made alist of ' life admin and chores', would it still be uneven?

Finally, and I got this from a self help book, what are you prepared to do about it. If you have a confrontation about and nothing changes..then what? if you are not going to do anything if nothing changes..why get worked up about it in the first place? Do those tasks with a rueful smile, and plot when you are going to ' steal' the time back !. Put some music on or a radio programme whilst doing it. Just don't resent it if the only person that is getting upset about it, is you.

FriarTuck · 06/06/2019 12:39

Well some genuinely do NOT see mess - I had a friend who would clean her floors and wipe the kitchen surfaces because she noticed them and they bothered her, but who would never dust or wipe anything else because she just didn't see the dirt. It wasn't laziness, and there wasn't anyone else doing it for her either, she just didn't see it. (I did Shock)
And I work from home and have days where I don't have time for any odd jobs because I'm too flat out working so I can see that he might not be able to fit stuff in every day. And I hate emptying the dishwasher - I don't why but it's a job I have to steel myself to do. But leaving a mess when he's made lunch / breakfast isn't on - if you can't put them in the dishwasher then you stack them neatly to the side out of the way.
You need a calm discussion on responsibilities. Refusing to do something to make a point will only put his back up while maintaining your resentment - no-one benefits. Agree who does what & when, have simple lists on the fridge or something.

FizzyGreenWater · 06/06/2019 12:42

You both work, he's as busy as you are, it needs to be 50/50.

Time for a job sheet. And a sensible allocation of timings which mean that yes, he does the fucking dishes in one of his breaks so that the person coming hom to make the dinner can do so efficiently. If he can't help the household run efficiently then there will have to be less time available for all his other stuff.

Oh and he likes to do the cooking 'together'? I bet he does.

jameswong · 06/06/2019 12:42

Yanbu. I never let my wife come home to dishes in the sink or any other unnecessary untidiness, she never returned the favour and it did my head in!!!

We now have a cleaner so it's no longer an issue. Feel your pain though.

herculepoirot2 · 06/06/2019 12:42

If he has time for sports and the gym, he has time to do some basics in the house and make sure you aren’t picking up the slack when you get home.

sabeeena · 06/06/2019 12:47

i think you're being a BU.

I think that he should clear the mess he accumulates himself during the day (i.e. his dishes from lunch), but I wouldn't expect him to do chores during his working day - are his breaks not his breaks? Surely he just has something to eat or does his gym stuff for wellbeing.

The chores should be split equally between you when you're both finished in your working day

DonnaDarko · 06/06/2019 12:49

I WFH every day but I am an employee of a company, so my time is not my own. I manage to do a bit of housework during the time that I would have spent commuting but I restrict myself to dishes, laundry and ocassionally hoovering as I expect the rest of the housework to be 50/50. And part of the reason why I took the job is so that I would have more time for myself to do things I wasn't able to do before, like yoga and reading!

DonnaDarko · 06/06/2019 12:51

Ah my point was going to be that he should be able to at least do some basics around the house during his "commuting time" so YANBU

SavingSpaces2019 · 06/06/2019 13:06

How about just not doing all that stuff?
Just make your own dinner and sit down til he gets back.
When he questions it just tell him straight that you're fed up of his excuses for not doing the jobs he should have done and passing it onto you in a passive aggressive manner.

Cos that's exactly what he's doing - passive aggressively leaving these jobs for you.

origamiunicorn · 06/06/2019 13:17

Feel your pain OP. My husband is the same. When I work from home I get a few loads of washing done, something in the slow cooker, kitchen tidied etc etc

WFH is just that, WFH, not a chance to catch up on housework Confused

SunniDay · 06/06/2019 13:22

“Every bloody night I come home and something needs doing before I can start dinner.”

Hi OP,
Querying this thought. Is it the case that he hasn’t done anything to help or that he hasn’t done everything?

It’s very easy to walk in and immediately spot the thing that hasn’t been done while being blind to 3 or 4 things that have been done. I’m sure most of us have been guilty of doing this at some point and of being pissed off when someone has done it to us.

BIWI · 06/06/2019 13:23

That's very true, and it's what I came on to the thread to post, having just read the title.

But reading the OP in full also made me realise that when you're working from home, even if you're busy (and I've done it for years), there's always time to do a quick 5 minute job. OP's DH is taking the piss by not doing any of this.

BloggersNet · 06/06/2019 13:35

I don't know, some could say that I'm 'not doing much' around the house, but from my point of view it's because my DH has higher standards and different priorities than I do when it comes to non-work time.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/06/2019 13:36

My DH has a really full on job, but he still manages to wash up after himself or put the bins out. Someone with no commute has no excuse for doing nothing. I do agree that WFH does mean working and not doing a full house clean but it does take minutes to empty the dishwasher whole you make lunch or wait for the kettle to boil. If he can't manage it during the day, he ought to get up earlier.
Anyone who has time for hobbies, can't legitimately say they don't have time to hang the washing out.
People who work outside of the home have to squeeze their chores into the morning before they leave home, lunchtime etc. He had an easier daily routine than the OP, so what makes him so special that he doesn't need to do his share?
Also taking dss to sports activities is of no benefit to the OP, so that shouldn't count as a household chore in the sense that OP has to pick up the slack in the house.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 13:41

I pray that someone comes up with a cure for lazy man child syndrome before my daughters grow up.

There is, you dump such lazy twats, no matter how much you 'love' them because love is respect and by showing you they don't even respect themselves and their own home and property enough to clean it up, then it's not possible they love you.

There would be no more dinners if I were you OP, in fact, I'd start going out or just sit and leave everything. I would no longer do FA for him.

mrsm43s · 06/06/2019 13:57

I WfH, and I get really annoyed when its assumed that my lunch break should be used to run errands and do household chores. Its my break, just like my DH has a break when he is at work - a time to eat a sandwich, and have a bit of down time (and more frequently than not I will work through a lot of it).

If you both work full time, then chores should be shared equally, regardless of whether you work from home or at a workplace.

He shouldn't be creating mess, and you most certainly shouldn't be clearing up after him when you come home, but I don't think that he becomes the housekeeper just because he happens to do his work at home.

TwistedBiscuit · 06/06/2019 13:58

But reading the OP in full also made me realise that when you're working from home, even if you're busy (and I've done it for years), there's always time to do a quick 5 minute job. OP's DH is taking the piss by not doing any of this.

Exactly. I'm self-employed so it's not like I'm doing housework on someone else's time, but when I WFH I'm able to wipe down the kitchen counter, do small jobs etc just the same as I do when I work in my shared office. It was the same when I worked for someone else, there were times when someone had spilled some crap in the fridge or the dishwasher needed unloading and you would take a few minutes to sort it out.

BIWI · 06/06/2019 13:58

I don't think the OP means he has to be the housekeeper - just that there are some quick chores that he could be doing during the day!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2019 14:04

Start picking yourself up dinner on the way home from work. He can’t be arsed to do x. Fine. You down tools. Your washing and ironing only etc. He should at least be responsible for feeding your dss. Your dh is at home and your dss is his child.

If he’s doing half then that’s fine as he’s taking your dss out to his hobbies, which takes time - rather like your commute. Not half, not fine.

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