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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite rsvp

235 replies

Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 06:34

I know IABU but twice in the last few months I've got invites to a wedding miles away, on a Thursday, evening only, no kids. One from my cousin and I don't see her often and there's relationship there outside of usual family gatherings so that's fine. I've declined, saying we can't make it.

A really good mate of mine has been talking about her wedding for a while. I've just got a save the date through, evening do in West Sussex, Thursday, evening only. I know IABU, they can invite who they want, "it's not a summons" but I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding but I feel like I've been demoted.

It's unlikely I'll go - 1.5/2 days annual leave, prob hotel, babysitters, travel, all for a few hours.

I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Both of these people were invited to my whole wedding 5 years ago. We didn't have evening guests, just invited people we wanted there to see us get married and celebrate after. We spent £3k doing it, and I think these people have prob spent 10 times that to have huge weddings in stately homes but scrimped on numbers and had it midweek so they could afford it.

Again prob being VU, but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Right, rip me a new one MN!

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 06/06/2019 19:30

I wouldn't feel offended but I do think it is wildly unreasonable to invite people to evening only who have to travel.

longdistanceclaraaa · 06/06/2019 19:37

I don't really understand why it is so offensive to invite people to the evening do who live far away. If you use evening invitations for more arms length people (friends of parents etc) but they happen to live a distance away, you're not going to give that particular person an all day invite if their equivalent doesn't get one.

E.g. we invited my brother in law's family to our evening do. They could all come except one couple who lived far away. We could hardly not invite them but nor would we single them out for an all day invite. We knew they would decline but that was fine.

So I suppose our invitation was technically 'you're not important enough to come to the day and we don't care if that means you can't come at all' but the invitation wasn't extended nor received in that spirit.

People who get het up about this sort of thing strike me as determined to take offence. Thankfully neither me nor people I know are of that disposition.

WaitingInTheBushesOfLove · 06/06/2019 19:38

IHeartArya
2000?! Now that's a number Shock

WaitingInTheBushesOfLove · 06/06/2019 19:38

I made a mess of it, i wanted to highlight Blush

IHeartArya

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 06/06/2019 19:47

You are actually coming across very entitled and rude here.

Their wedding IS about them and I imagine each decision has been taken seriously.

If you don't want to attend then don't but address your attitude, it's ridiculous.

Alconleigh · 06/06/2019 19:57

It's not really entitled to observe that it's not a great plan for people who'd have to travel a long way. The OP isn't planning a picket or to LTBs over it. There are an awful lot of people who don't seem to grasp that the moment you invite people to an event, you are hosting them. And hospitality is an art, and a vital one. I have been to a lot of weddings, and I don't remember a single colour scheme / table decoration / yada yada. I remember vividly when I was hungry, or the food was crap, or we all had to stand around for hours while photos were taken, or the drinks cost £12.........

Of course people should have the day they want, but if you don't actually want to host people, own that, and have a small wedding.

saraclara · 06/06/2019 20:05

I've travelled to a couple of evening only weddings. I have a circle of friends who live up north (I'm in the South East). Though we get on great and have weekends together when we can, I'm neither family nor a friend who's part of their everyday life. They are very social people and have lots of local friends, so it would be ridiculous for me to feel slighted because I'm not among the people (I'm guessing 60 or so) invited to the ceremony and daytime reception.

I was very happy to be asked to join them for the party bit and had a great time.
I can see why the midweek thing is a problem though. I might say i couldn't attend for that reason, but being offended at being 'B list' wouldn''t factor in.

TapasForTwo · 06/06/2019 20:12

"I have been to a lot of weddings, and I don't remember a single colour scheme / table decoration / yada yada. I remember vividly when I was hungry, or the food was crap, or we all had to stand around for hours while photos were taken, or the drinks cost £12......…"

I so agree with this ^^
Also, a winter wedding where I was so cold I kept my coat on during the reception, and we left early because we were so cold. IMO making your guests feel welcome and comfortable is much more important than a photogenic venue

Allhailthesun · 06/06/2019 20:23

I would give reasons. The couple can then “upgrade” you if they really want you there.
I do think some people on here forget that some people won’t have been to many weddings so are unappreciative of guests needs. Or have different family dynamics or traditions to them. Maybe is a weekday wedding because all the Saturdays for the next two years were booked.

HoppyHop · 07/06/2019 08:28

YANBU. Go if you want to, don't go if you feel offended (that's your prerogative) or if it doesn't suite your life/kids/pets routine.
We have an evening invite for a Thursday wedding (friend & work colleagues son, about 100miles away) booking a niceish hotel, having lunch with DH (DC not invited) then onto the evening do to celebrate with the happy couple. I'm looking forward to it. Well worth 1.5 days holiday IMO!

swingofthings · 07/06/2019 08:37

Couples who pick mid week weddings miles away care more about the picture perfect wedding than celebrating the day with friends. I wouldn't go to such event in these circumstances as I know they probably wouldn't care much that I wasnt there anyway.

AngeloMysterioso · 07/06/2019 08:54

Couples who pick mid week weddings miles away care more about the picture perfect wedding than celebrating the day with friends.

Or, they care more about having enough in the budget to invite all their friends than they do about getting married on a Saturday xx

ChicCroissant · 07/06/2019 09:13

Inviting people a long distance mid-week transfers the cost to the guest - time off work, cost of accommodation - not a caring thing to do IMO, Angelo. It's not about the guests at all.

Notabedofroses · 07/06/2019 10:47

longdistance

It is totally fine to invite your guests to a long distance evening reception, knowing full well that the distance, cost and inconvenience may mean they will politely decline.

The sticking point is when the bride and groom take offence, and they feel their guests should be there regardless.

If the B&G have zero expectation, and invite all guests to the evening party, do so fully prepared that it is entirely possible that lots of people they would have liked to have been there to celebrate, will decline for a mid week long distance evening do.

You organise that kind of wedding in that format in full knowledge and low expectation.

thecatsthecats · 07/06/2019 11:29

I am perfectly happy with an evening only invite, but then I'm perfectly comfortable declining too.

I don't care how people do their weddings, but I have heard bad reports from the Mon-Thurs weddings that I've skipped about how the (always glorious, top whack venues) felt very flat with guests all thinking about the rest of their week. It strikes me that a wedding on these days should roll with what they've chosen and not try to be a big party, because they're more likely to fall flat.

My husband and I picked the cheapest Saturday at a DIY country house venue. It was at least an hour for all guests, but then we have significant numbers of friends and family from all over the country so it was the most even way to arrange it. It was the best balance for us between fancy and suitable for guests.

Oh, and one of my evening invitees cheerfully declined the option to come to the day, because she had booked into a spa hotel away from the kids, who were invited to the wedding but she was leaving at home. I am glad I am friends with this sort of the people, not the kind who get thoroughly outraged at being 'second tier'.

LouLouLoupee · 07/06/2019 12:14

I got married on Thursday, during the school holidays.
Yes it was cheaper which appealed as we had 10 weeks to organise and pay for a wedding ourselves. We also work in an industry where it’s incredibly difficult to get weekends off so it meant that more of our colleagues and friends could come.
Everybody we invited came to the wedding.

I think it’s a bit off to make judgements on why people have midweek just because you did it differently

LittleRedMushroom · 07/06/2019 12:25

I honestly don't understand why people are offended by evening invites. Most people can only afford a small sit down do, but want to party with more people in the evening.
That's fine by me! If I can make it, I'll go and have a great evening, just happy to join in and see family/friends on their big day.

BossAssBitch · 07/06/2019 12:36

Evening only invitations suck. If someone is important enough to come to any part of your wedding, they should be important enough to be there for the whole event. We got married last year and wouldn't have dreamed of inviting some of our guests to the evening part only.

Full invitation or nothing, evening only is tacky and cheap.

swingofthings · 07/06/2019 12:39

Or, they care more about having enough in the budget to invite all their friends than they do about getting married on a Saturday
Except those friends won't be able to afford or be bothered to come so it defeats the aim.

thecatsthecats · 07/06/2019 12:42

Evening only invitations suck. If someone is important enough to come to any part of your wedding, they should be important enough to be there for the whole event.

Genuine question - is there really nobody you know who isn't on the same level of closeness to you as other people?

My attitude is that OF COURSE I'm not very close to my husband's mum's cousins. Of course I am therefore fine to come to a bit of a knees up in the evening. No I wouldn't be fussed about going to a work colleagues ceremony. But a booze up after would be nice.

I've never felt dismissed by a friend inviting me to the evening only anyway. Their do is what it is.

PoesyCherish · 07/06/2019 12:45

Or, they care more about having enough in the budget to invite all their friends than they do about getting married on a Saturday

Or they care more about actually being married. Or they as bride or groom or have friends or family who do shift work and find midweek weddings easier.

0hT00dles · 07/06/2019 12:52

Decline and give reason.

We had a local wedding and it’s customary in my family to invite cousins to evening only. All cousins go and have a chat as there’s just too many to invite to the whole day. Aunts/uncles are invited to whole thing.

On another note: A ‘friend’ invited another friend and I to the evening of her wedding (like 2 weeks before) It was over 2 hours away. We both declined (I was also 2 months pg and felt exhausted). She now doesn’t speak to us😒

swingofthings · 07/06/2019 12:54

Everyone close working shift work and knowing in advance they'll be off on that day is quite unlikely.

I wouldn't judge a couple having a very modest wedding mid week if their town because that is all they could afford but my experience is couple going for very expensive posh places in the countryside and picking midweek because although still eye watering expensive they can just about afford it and assume everyone invited will be happy to fork lots of money to witness their amazing wedding.

I've refused to go take time off work and pay a lot after I went to a couple of these and found them incredibly impersonal, quite boring and not much memorable, so not worth the money.

PoesyCherish · 07/06/2019 13:01

Everyone close working shift work and knowing in advance they'll be off on that day is quite unlikely.

I didn't say everyone though. It could be the people closest. Both of our witnesses for example work shift work. It would be easier for them to take time off during the week. They wouldn't necessarily be off automatically but they're more likely to be granted time off during the week. We've gone for a weekend because selfishly, that's what works best for us.

But it could be the witnesses, bridesmaids, groomsmen etc all work shifts. It's not uncommon to have a social circle where you all work shift.

I agree it's unlikely but I'm just saying there are multiple reasons why people book midweek and we shouldn't be so quick to judge.

thecatsthecats · 07/06/2019 13:05

assume everyone invited will be happy to fork lots of money to witness their amazing wedding.

To be fair, you do get TOLD that a lot when you're planning a wedding.

Most especially by people who then go on to kick up a fuss about your choices!

Weddings can cause a lot of stress for the couple because most people actually don't have events planning experience. I do (99% of attendees would recommend Grin), so found it fairly non taxing. But it was still rough to navigate the endless obstructions of people sticking their oar in.

(In spite of knowing full well I run events for 250+ people for work, MIL was completely overwhelmed by the remote idea of my plans, and kept loudly insisting it wouldn't work - she had genuine, entirely misplaced concern for me!)