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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite rsvp

235 replies

Cuppa12345 · 06/06/2019 06:34

I know IABU but twice in the last few months I've got invites to a wedding miles away, on a Thursday, evening only, no kids. One from my cousin and I don't see her often and there's relationship there outside of usual family gatherings so that's fine. I've declined, saying we can't make it.

A really good mate of mine has been talking about her wedding for a while. I've just got a save the date through, evening do in West Sussex, Thursday, evening only. I know IABU, they can invite who they want, "it's not a summons" but I genuinely wanted to celebrate her wedding but I feel like I've been demoted.

It's unlikely I'll go - 1.5/2 days annual leave, prob hotel, babysitters, travel, all for a few hours.

I want to say - sorry, it's a bit far for an evening do mid week!
Is that massively unreasonable: to be honest about why I'm declining?

Both of these people were invited to my whole wedding 5 years ago. We didn't have evening guests, just invited people we wanted there to see us get married and celebrate after. We spent £3k doing it, and I think these people have prob spent 10 times that to have huge weddings in stately homes but scrimped on numbers and had it midweek so they could afford it.

Again prob being VU, but if you can't afford to invite your friends and family on a Saturday to see you get married, you can't afford that wedding and you need to rethink.

Right, rip me a new one MN!

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/06/2019 12:29

If she asks for a reason, there’s no harm in saying ‘I’d love to come, but it’s a long way for an evening do when I’m pregnant and I’d still need to take time off’.

I find the MN hatred of any evening do strange - I’ve never been to a wedding where there were no extra guests on the night. However, I think you have to be realistic about who will and won’t come, especially if you’re doing it midweek.

Tavannach · 06/06/2019 12:30

I honestly don't get all the hurt and angst about "only" being asked to the evening do. It's their wedding and that's what their budget allows given their priorities. If you want to go, go, but don't judge people because they can't afford the wedding you think they should have.

hibbledibble · 06/06/2019 12:45

Interestingly, when I posted about being annoyed at an invite which was over a 3 hour flight away, and did not include children, I was told I was unreasonable.

Personally, I agree, that it is considerate of hosts to think about their guests. Having a weekday invite, in the middle of nowhere, and not inviting children, is a very inconvenient combination.

ssd · 06/06/2019 13:01

I actually think weddings are a load of faff, what with the hen do, arrangements etc etc, they are something most guests struggle with, the only people who really care are close friends and family

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 13:02

I know - my cousin is getting married in a few weeks in Cyprus. She’s catering for around 2000. Not a typo. Food & drink! No separation of guests

I know of only 3 or 4 cultures that tier guests but this is the only one where you also see conditions like no kids, or don't provide any food at all to second tier ones or even a glass of fizz or expect people to travel long distances to it and put on a stingy party with no sense of occasion and expect a gift for it, that would seem shockingly rude in a whole lot of places but seems perfectly acceptable here.

I agree re: Punjabi weddings, now there's a party!

Yeah, people can do what they want but when they kick off when people don't want to go to their lame, stingy excuse for an evening party that's another thing.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 13:07

Interestingly, when I posted about being annoyed at an invite which was over a 3 hour flight away, and did not include children, I was told I was unreasonable.

Oh, yeah, on MN people get all riled up and most are like 'You should be grateful you were even given an iota of thought for their speshul day it's their day! You can save up to go' when it's some amazingly ungenerous and inconsiderate production.

PicklePumpkin · 06/06/2019 13:36

We were invited to my DP’s nephew’s (and godson’s) wedding but it wasn’t until we turned up to hear the end of the speeches (having travelled 200 miles and forked out for a hotel) that we realised we’d only been invited to the evening do! The invite was rather ambiguous and the evening do started mid afternoon. We had thought we were close to DP’s nephew but obviously had misjudged that. The nephew’s sisters were mortified and apologised profusely for their brother. It wasn’t as if it was a small wedding either as there were loads of people there with only a few extra in the evening. DP was furious and very hurt. It all felt rather humiliating and excruciating to be there.

Notabedofroses · 06/06/2019 13:40

OP is

  • Pregnant and this is very relevant!
  • The 'party' is hours and hours away
  • It will require a day off either side, as op will never make it there in
rush hour otherwise
  • It is a huge effort for anyone on a Thursday bloody night!

How can anyone in their right mind think they were being considerate by expecting their pregnant guests to do this??

Op, decline and you are right to feel annoyed that you have been put in this position in the first place. Your friend should probably reflect on whether she has considered the needs of her guests in any shape or form.

And to all those pp who are saying it is the couple's day/money etc, it is worth thinking about the considerable costs inflicted on your guests to be there supporting you in the first place (babysitting, gifts, outfits, transport, overnight hotels etc) You don't just get to disregard everyone else because you happen to be getting married!

Dippysnowoman · 06/06/2019 13:50

Considering the distance involved for an evening invite yanbu to decline.
We have declined evening invites on Saturdays before because we both work shifts so sometimes are both in work all weekend and dont want to take 1/2 days leave to attend.
As a side note with our friendship group sometimes mid week works better for us as we are off mid week.

vincettenoir · 06/06/2019 14:03

YNBU. I had the same attitude as you, that my wedding would be more likely to be a wonderful day if my guests were all well looked after and I’m glad I did it that way because everyone was so happy and there was such a great atmosphere on the day. I know others who were less fussed about taking care of guests and those were generally the ones who had 2 photographers and a videographer, £1000 wedding lingerie, a mini-moon then a honeymoon etc and a pricy venue. Who knows if that made them as happy as my joyful wedding day made me? Perhaps it did. But I get that it’s hard to understand people’s very differing priorities.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 14:07

How is being pregnant relevant? It's a lot to expect of a guest no matter what.

StCharlotte · 06/06/2019 14:34

I know - my cousin is getting married in a few weeks in Cyprus. She’s catering for around 2000. Not a typo. Food & drink! No separation of guests. They can’t believe our small weddings in U.K. - they consider 4/500 small!

Yes, but these weddings are effectively paid for by the guests anyway so the more guests you invite, the more money you receive. AND they don't have to bother with twee poems begging for money because everyone already knows. I think it's brilliant Grin

Malvinaa81 · 06/06/2019 14:55

I've moved from not liking "Evening Only" invites to preferring them. Weddings are so much fuss. However if the do is some vast distance away, I wouldn't go.

Last year though I did travel 200 miles and stayed locally, had a good look at a town I'd never visited and went to the evening do.

This was a young relative- not sure I'd do that for a friend!

Notabedofroses · 06/06/2019 14:58

dar errrrr because you tend to get very tired when you are pregnant. Your feet swell and travelling for hours is no fun with a big bump!
Why am I having to explain something so obvious to you?

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 15:01

Golly gee, Not, some people don't experience that when pregnant. And plenty of people have trouble travelling due to other conditions Hmm. Are you this precious about everything?

SVRT19674 · 06/06/2019 15:52

IHeartArya had to laugh remembering my adventures in Greece as a teen. I'm Spanish and there is no such thing as evening invites only here (yet). I think they would throw the invite right back in your face. And as for paying for drinks... no one does that here. Everything is on the bride and groom. End of. As you say.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 16:12

SVRT, I wonder how they're react to the new trend of inviting guests to come and watch the couple marry and then telling them to fuck off whilst the A-list guests get fed but come back in the evening for no food and £9 drinks. Grin

Andylion · 06/06/2019 16:43

It's 2.5 hrs in the car.

"That's hardly a huge deal."

I think it's a huge deal for an evening-only invitation.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/06/2019 18:16

The 'RSVP to the "save the date"' update actually has me laughing uproariously. It's really funny. These 'save the date' cards are a strange form of exerting pressure on would-be guests. I.e. we've let you know in advance, now there are no excuses even if a cheap holiday/family event/insert alternative plan of choice, comes up. You've been asked by US first, and are now under obligation.

It would never even have occurred to me to think my own wedding (important to me but inconsequential to most other people) would merit taking that kind of liberty. Inviting someone to your wedding is one thing, emotionally blackmailing them into accepting is quite another.

But it's taking things to a whole new level when a request for RSVP to the 'save the date' is made, so invitations can THEN be sent out (which raises the question 'why bother?'). It's over-zealous in the extreme, and indicates a level of expectation that's not too far removed from CF'ery.

And to do all this for an 'evening only' invitation? Scratching my head, with a nonplussed expression ...

Notabedofroses · 06/06/2019 18:19

dar Yes usually, and some times it pays to be honest about one limitations whilst pregnant. If you can't be precious when you are pregnant when can you be Grin
Would I be doing a five hour round trip, pregnant, to an evening wedding party without as much as a glass of champagne or two to ease the experience ? Quick answer: no fucking way. A close friend would never ever expect me to do this in the first place.

If I was op I would be reevaluating this friendship tbh.

darjeelingisrank · 06/06/2019 18:22

I wouldn't do it, Not, and I haven't been pregnant in over 10 years. Grin

Notabedofroses · 06/06/2019 18:39

Me neither! Grin

lyralalala · 06/06/2019 18:54

I think evening do invitations also partly depend on what is common in your circle.

One of my PIL is one of 15 siblings, the other is one of 9 so DH has a ridiculous number of cousins. Lots he's close too and some he's not. It's accepted as 'the norm' in both families that for weddings Aunts and Uncles get invited all day. The cousins get invited at night and mostly they get invited without partners or children. Everyone knows, everyone understands why and no-one is offended.

In my family, because it's very small, I was seen as being controversial because my Grandad's cousin's children were only invited in the evening. It's just all what you are used too.

I think the only time an invitation is rude is if there's been constant wedding talk (like that poster who was part of discussions about her nephews huge wedding for two years then only invited at night) and if there's a any stropping if you decline.

Doidontimmm · 06/06/2019 19:06

@ComeAndDance I’m intrigued?

HolesinTheSoles · 06/06/2019 19:14

Evening do's are fine for certain groups of people. They have to be local, and people who probably wouldn't expect an invite anyway. I've been to work colleagues evening do's. We went as a group of work colleagues and it was fun. We weren't close to the B&G but it was nice to be somewhat included. I would never offer such an invite to someone who would have to stay over or was family.