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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 17:56

twosoups1972

We’re not going to agree here.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 17:57

freshstartnewme

I totally agree. What is it about grounding him that you think equates to “deliberate humiliation”? Confused It’s nothing of the sort. If he’s embarrassed because he can’t go out, good. It might help make sure he doesn’t do this again.

Proseccoinamug · 04/06/2019 17:58

He is BU but he is only 12, he’s supposed to be silly.
You are an adult and are being VVU because you have a responsibility to get your child to school.

You should have checked he was awake and woken him earlier than you did. You should have made sure he was ready to leave.

If he missed the bus you should have taken him there, imposing a consequence for making you late for work. Or you should have rung a taxi and watched him get in it, and recouped the money from his allowance / made him do jobs to repay you.

adaline · 04/06/2019 17:58

Learning to get up to an alarm is an essential life skill

Yes, but he's 12. Not 21.

At 12 they're not fully-cooked yet (as Judge Judy would say) - you still need to help them and make sure they're up on time - particularly because, as the parent, it's your responsibility to get your 12 year old to school on time!

OP knew he was going to be late and still did nothing about it. At that age my parents would have been knocking on my door to make sure I was okay, turning the lights on/opening the blinds and making sure I was up and out of the house. Because they're my parents and well, parenting me was kind of their job!

nokidshere · 04/06/2019 17:59

I see the "I walked to school when I was 5 and I had to get two buses and a train and didn't get home till midnight" people are out in force.

If I oversleep, or if my boys or DH oversleep and we know we have somewhere to be we wake each other up. It's kind. And causes less stress.

He's 12. He overslept. Then argued with his mum because they were both rushing and stressing. Neither of them dealt with it well but it's not the end of the world. Locking him out without checking he was actually going to school (if he had begun walking) was a bit daft.

As for the "he's 12 stop mollycoddling him" brigade, get a grip, he's 12, he doesn't have to behave like an adult yet, he's allowed to make mistakes even if he's made the same one before. Growing up and taking responsibility for yourself is an ongoing lesson not one you wake up knowing on your 12th birthday.

ElizaPancakes · 04/06/2019 18:00

Why are people getting hung up on ‘locking him out’? When you leave a house you lock the door. This is totally normal behaviour. He should have his own key though.

It won’t kill him to not have breakfast once fgs. Anyone can get ready in less than 20 minutes if they really have to. MN is normally very hot it natural consequences rather than punishment - he didn’t get up in time and preferred to argue rather than get dressed and get the bus. Natural consequence of not getting up is that he didn’t get to where he needed to be, not that mum bails him out. Yes it would have been kind to drive him this once. But that means the other child who has no means of getting to school alone would be late and older child wouldn’t.

@mummymeister you sound ridiculously overprotective. How old are your kids?

corythatwas · 04/06/2019 18:00

No, Cory. I am not saying he should have been punished when he forgot to wake up. The punishment would be for breaking back in and bunking school, which was a deliberate act. Obviously as you are an adult, you can do similar things and nobody can remove your iPad or ground you, but he is a child and these steps are to teach him not to do these things. Then, when he is an adult, he will be able to make his own choices.

There are several learning opportunities here and it is perfectly possible to teach simultaneously a) you must get out of bed in time b) if things go pear-shaped, even if you were to blame, then in this family we pull together and make sure something bad like missing school doesn't happen c) immature and disproportionate responses are never a good idea

There is absolutely no reason to believe the ds would have bunked off if his mum hadn't locked the door and left him.

It was a disproportionate and immature response and it got another disproportionate and immature response back.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/06/2019 18:00

I got myself ready and walked to school at 7. Both parents would be out the door before me because we all started at 7. So what?

mummymeister · 04/06/2019 18:00

so herculepoirot2 he gets punished for being "defiant" (your word not mine I dont agree he was)

but his mother suffers no consequences whatsoever for her bad parenting, failure to get him to school etc. when that is a legal requirement on her as a parent?

No, thats not one sided at all! A sure and certain way to bring up a resentful and rebellious teen.

user1487194234 · 04/06/2019 18:00

I think at 12 he is too young to be treated like that and I would definitely have given him a lift

twosoups1972 · 04/06/2019 18:00

Learning to get up to an alarm is an essential life skill

Yes exactly - LEARNING. That means it happens gradually, not overnight, and allows for some slip ups. Even my dh at the age of 55 oversleeps occasionally but he has the luxury of being able to drive to the station if he's running late.

When it comes to teaching independence in my dc I use the mantra 'progress not perfection'.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:01

mummymeister

If the school chooses to fine her, she probably suffer the consequence, yes. If this crap continues, she definitely will. If she intervenes now and firmly, things will probably be fine.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 18:02

What is it about grounding him that you think equates to “deliberate humiliation”?

I responded to the comment Maybe he deserves a bit of humiliation?

Anything else you have said in your post to me is irrelevant, I never mentioned it.

Suggesting a 12 year old deserves to be humiliated by his parent is disgusting.

Proseccoinamug · 04/06/2019 18:02

To be clear, I would only impose consequences if the missing the bus is deliberate. If it’s down to teenage disorganisation, well, you are the parent of a teenager. You have to take him to school.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:02

corythatwas

He was asked to walk to school. Not to cross the Aegean Sea on a raft made out of the bones of his relatives, Cory. He will live. I wouldn’t have handled it exactly as the OP did, but his response would not be tolerated in my family. He would be punished and the likelihood would be that he would regret the decision to climb through the window. Good.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:03

freshstartnewme

The humiliation would not be the action of the parent, but a natural consequence of his behaviour. He acted out, he got punished, now he’s embarrassed. That’s life. Nothing “disgusting” about it.

Amibeingdaft81 · 04/06/2019 18:04

He is BU but he is only 12, he’s supposed to be silly.

Bit more than “silly” behaviour

Why I find concerning is that there was no peers involved. I get that children get caught up and spur each other on. But he did this entirely oh his own accord. Not a great sign at 12 and does need to be dealt with seriously

wonkidonki · 04/06/2019 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2019 18:06

I just wouldn’t expect a 12 year old to walk for an hour. That’s completely different from an hour commute and pretty much everyone agrees with this , as is bloody obvious from the fact that millions of people happily buy houses that take an hour commute to work and I don’t know anyone who happily buys a house that will regularly require an hours walk to get somewhere necessary.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:08

timeisnotaline

Commute is daily. He usually gets the bus. If I lived an hours walk from work and my car broke down, work wouldn’t accept me staying home, would they? I am able bodied. They would say “See you in an hour”.

diddl · 04/06/2019 18:09

It was defiance though, wasn't it?

If I had been late up-and I agree that Op could have gone up to him earlier-and there was still time to walk, even if it was an hour-no way would I have dared tell my mum that I wasn't walking!

RosaWaiting · 04/06/2019 18:09

"It was a disproportionate and immature response and it got another disproportionate and immature response back."

this sums it up pretty well.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 18:10

The humiliation would not be the action of the parent, but a natural consequence of his behaviour. He acted out, he got punished, now he’s embarrassed. That’s life. Nothing “disgusting” about it.

You said maybe he deserves a bit of humiliation

Are you still not understanding how that's wrong? I'm laughing at your constant defences though, I mean, there really isn't one. 12 years old do not deserve to be humiliated.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:11

freshstartnewme

Not at all. He did something stupid and wrong. His feelings of embarrassment about his punishment are natural and fine.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/06/2019 18:14

The OP did not "lock him out", she locked the door on their way out, on the way to school. And it sounds to me like the OP noted her DS overslept and went and got him up.

He was naughty to not go to school, as instructed. Sometimes kids are.