DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

AND to help them out sometimes even when it's inconvenient for you. Kids remember that stuff their whole lives.

@hercule I give out very few punishments to my dc other than the odd occasion when I've confiscated their phone/screen time for a period of time. They are beautifully behaved and have a good sense of right and wrong. They KNOW when they've overstepped the mark. Discipline isn't about a power struggle and dishing out punishments. It's about instilling important values to your children.

TheCaddy

Rubbish. I will not protect my children from embarrassment caused by their own behaviour and, in doing so, ensure they will repeat the behaviour. That isn’t bullying. It’s parenting.

I would never go out of my way to “humiliate” (mildly embarrass in this case) anyone, but embarrassment is a natural human emotion that tells you something, in this case, that his actions were wrong and need not to be repeated.

twosoups1972

Great. We are obviously different people with different strategies for achieving similar ends.

@carol completely agree with you.

of course a 12 year old can walk to school or take any other means of transport by themselves as necessary. but this isnt about a pre - agreed routine of the 12 year old getting up, getting dressed and walking to school is it?

its about a mum who puts the needs of the younger children first and is imagining that she has done parenting for her 12 year old.

as for punishing him and humiliating him really? is that how we treat each other?

what about punishing the parent then? £120 fine for non attendance of the child at school seems reasonable to me.

is this child ever your priority OP? didnt you think to call him or the school to find out where he was, who he was with and what he was up to for 6 hours.

All 12 year olds struggle with practical planning and self organisation at times.

This was defiance, not struggling.

Maybe he deserves a bit of humiliation?

So when I forgot to disconnect the intake pipe when changing water in the fish tank the other day (similar mistake to not setting the alarm clock) and the water started flooding the living room, my teenager should have reflected that I knew not to do that and so I probably deserved a bit of humiliation?

Perhaps he would have, but as he was raised in a household where people are generally helpful, he threw himself out of bed and came rushing with buckets and towels. He probably felt a fair bit of irritation at having his sleep disrupted but he still saw a situation that needed fixing and helped fixing it.

Teenagers are not morning people biologically.

You should be waking him up earlier if/when his alarm fails. You or his father. Your the grown ups.

The rest of it? Had he deliberately missed the bus? Yes, tell him to start walking or pedalling. I hope he gets detentions on top of punishment at home.

its about a mum who puts the needs of the younger children first and is imagining that she has done parenting for her 12 year old

^^ this.

I think you are getting quite a harsh response on here.

Learning to get up to an alarm is an essential life skill

If you sleep through/ forget to set your alarm you get a very tight get up time which is what happened here.

If you then piss about and take too long you have to walk to school and be late.

Lots of children don't have parents who can drive them to school.
By secondary school I was getting the local bus to school independently- my DM couldn't drive me as she had to take my younger siblings to the village school and taking me would have made them late. My DF left for work hours before.

If I missed the bus I had to get the next one and be late.

I would drive the friend and not let your DC take part as punishment.

as for punishing him and humiliating him really? is that how we treat each other?

Sometimes I punish my child, yes. I am my child’s parent and it is my job to teach them that lying and bunking school is not acceptable. T

God, I read these threads sometimes and I really pity the children. Helping out your children is not spoiling a child, they still need a parents help. OP, if you can’t be a parent to all three of them then you are failing. 12 year olds need a mother (and father) too. Maybe his dad could get him up earlier? 20 mins to shower, dress and have breakfast? I could barely manage in that time and I’m a fully functioning adult.
For the ones that charge for lifts to school? You the parent decided where they live in regards to how far the school is, no way would I take money from them on the odd occasion they missed the bus.

I honestly wonder why people have children sometimes.

Beside the point but 7.20 is bloody early. I'd struggle with that. What time does school start that he has to leave so early?

corythatwas

No, Cory. I am not saying he should have been punished when he forgot to wake up. The punishment would be for breaking back in and bunking school, which was a deliberate act. Obviously as you are an adult, you can do similar things and nobody can remove your iPad or ground you, but he is a child and these steps are to teach him not to do these things. Then, when he is an adult, he will be able to make his own choices.

If you've learnt anything from this it is to improve your house security before you are broken into!!

Your ds needs to be grounded for bad behaviour

I agree with some sort of consequence for truanting.

But how does making him miss sport help? Sport is a good thing, as pp's have said. I wouldn't dream of making my son miss it as a punishment.

There must be more creative punishments out there than missing a beneficial activity or switching the WIFI off.

Although - if he gets a detention from school then he's had the consequence. I don't agree with double punishment.

herculepoirot2 - no it wasnt defiance. he didnt get up. maybe he had had a late night the night before (hes not her priority so the OP probably wouldnt know what time he went to bed) perhaps he was just getting himself into the routine after half term. whatever it was it wasnt an act of defiance.

and what do you think dumping him on the doorstep and not knowing or caring about where he was for 6 hours teaches him. that his mum cant be arsed to chivvy him a bit in the morning because he is not her priority?

my children in no way could be called snowflakes. they know they have to be up at a certain time to get to school. they have alarms. i get up every day before them so that if they arent down for breakfast at the usual time, i go upstairs to find out why. sometimes its because they are sick. sometimes its because they forgot to set the alarm. I chivvy and cajole on the days that they need it. I dont prioritise one children over another they are all treated equally and given the help and support that they need and which is appropriate for them at that age.

it just is not acceptable to have no idea where a 12 year old child is for that length of time.

Like many others I'm shocked by this awful parenting.

You should have popped your head in to make sure he was up and about - and not with 20 minutes to spare. It's so sad that you just focus on the little ones in the morning and at 12 he's expected to just get on with it. You woke him at 7 and expected him to get the bus 20 minutes later - would your child be washed, dressed neatly and fed? Prepared for the school day?

You then locked him out of the house and drove off with the children you actually bothered about this morning, expecting him to walk for an hour to school. I really hope you are a troll as this is so unimaginably unkind and uncaring that it makes me really sad. Your poor little boy.

mummymeister

Personally I might have handled it differently, but I would draw the line at his decision to truant. Breaking back into the house was definitely defiance, as was truanting.

I am suggesting he misses an activity he enjoys

And who else loses out? The parent who has paid for the sport! Just to make a point. Sport and exercise should not be seen as an optional extra anyway. You wouldn't withhold food as a punishment, there's no difference.

I don't think you were being to harsh at all op he has to learn the consequences of being late. It happens to us all.
Fwiw in my house my teens get themselves up and always have on the agreement I won't set them a bedtime.
A few days of being knackered out from late nights and early mornings and they soon self regulate (although they are horrible for a week due to lack of sleep)

Why didn't you wake him up earlier?

Was the reason you were leaving late because you didn't want your younger kids out the door too early?

In the end you left,definitely knowing he would get to school much later than giving him a lift. At least an hour late,but apparently your 7 yo couldn't possibly be a little bit late.

He might've faffed about and been a bit of a dick,but guess what? He's the child,you are the parent. You are ultimately responsible for him.

Feeling a bit embarrassed because you did something wrong is part of how we learn what is right and what is wrong.

There is a world between 'feeling a bit embarrassed' and being deliberately humiliated by a parent.

I'm amazed you don't know the difference. It's not difficult.