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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:

Nottheduchess · 04/06/2019 18:17

OP, just get your DS up earlier tomorrow. Go in his room, put his light on, open the curtains and get him to move. Make sure he has breakfast and is ready on time for the bus. It’s not rocket science, it’s basic parenting.

SadOtter · 04/06/2019 18:18

He shouldn't have bunked off but you were a bit mean locking him out. I get the 7.30 bus, I occasionally over sleep, generally I can get up at 7 and still make it but once in a blue moon it takes that tiny bit longer to get ready, I've been getting myself up and out to the bus at around the same time for 20+ years and still muck it up sometimes, he's 12 so presumably has only been doing it a year or so.

CarolDanvers · 04/06/2019 18:20

The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out.

The OP herself wrote this Ihatemy. She locked him out.

Nottheduchess · 04/06/2019 18:21

hercule Commute is daily. He usually gets the bus. If I lived an hours walk from work and my car broke down, work wouldn’t accept me staying home, would they? I am able bodied. They would say “See you in an hour”.

Well yes Hercule but you are an adult, you are attempting to apply the same situation to a child . That’s like comparing apples and carrots!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 04/06/2019 18:21

The timings sound rural. One bus at 7.20 or a 60 minute walk. To be honest that is life in the country.
I’d write it off as an experience you need to learn from.

However I take my DS up breakfast ( just yogurt, fruit and juice ) before I leave the housework work at 7am.. If anything went wrong ie he fell asleep again, he’d have to sort it himself. He’s had to do that since year 8.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/06/2019 18:22

He was naughty to not go to school, as instructed. Sometimes kids are.

Yes and that's why they have parents who are responsible for them. Instead of being a parent and deal with it after she decided to be just as stubborn as him. She's supposed to be the grownup though. Not only does the oldest get overlooked, she has higher expectations of him than she has of herself.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/06/2019 18:24

@CarolDanvers but she didn't throw him out in his pyjamas. She locked the door as they left. I think she has said it that way as a means of describing him breaking in. It was, after all, time for them to leave for school, and her assumption was that he would, go, as he was supposed to.

Oh and my teens can be in bed at 7.25 and on the train at 7.37. They choose this. I wouldn't. but 20 mins is easily doable if you've got your stuff sorted and eat breakfast on the move.

DishingOutDone · 04/06/2019 18:25

It was a disproportionate and immature response and it got another disproportionate and immature response back

I'm quoting from a poster who was already quoting it, but who wrote this? Talk about succinct! There rests the case.

(Although this mum is always going to be some sort of role model to hercule !)

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:26

Nottheduchess

A physically able 12 year old is perfectly capable of walking for an hour. If he can play sports, he can walk four miles.

peoplearepeople · 04/06/2019 18:26

It might be worth checking that there is nothing serious going on (like bullying) that meant he didn't want to get the school bus.
I'd also agree that you set him up to fail by only giving him 20 minutes to get ready. That's really not enough time to have had breakfast and be washed and dressed. It just makes for a stressful morning for everyone and it really doesn't need to be like that. Not a great start to the day for any of you.
I can see why you did what you did, but I would tread carefully. There's every chance that he's struggling with feeling left out due to you giving the other 2 more attention. 12 year old boys are tricky creatures, and really need quite a lot of parenting and understanding in my experience. He needs to understand that school is important, but also that you are still around to help him sometimes when he messes up.

CarolDanvers · 04/06/2019 18:26

No one said she threw him out in his pyjamas did they? She did lock him out though. She said it herself.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/06/2019 18:27

It was, after all, time for them to leave for school,

He was late already. He would've been late with a lift and much later by walking. What was she trying to prove?

CarolDanvers · 04/06/2019 18:27

A physically able 12 year old is perfectly capable of walking for an hour. If he can play sports, he can walk four miles.

Sure but it's shit and I doubt many adults would do it if they had a choice.

adaline · 04/06/2019 18:29

If I lived an hours walk from work and my car broke down, work wouldn’t accept me staying home, would they? I am able bodied. They would say “See you in an hour”

Yes, but you're an adult, not a 12yo boy.

You're also expected to pay bills on time and do a whole host of things that 12yo's aren't. You can't rationally compare the two.

Yes, he could have walked. But I think many pissed off 12yo boys would have made the decision to stay home knowing there'd be no consequences for hours.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/06/2019 18:31

A physically able 12 year old is perfectly capable of walking for an hour. If he can play sports, he can walk four miles.

No one really said he can't. But when a kid is being a stubborn dick,as a grownup you don't react by being an even more stubborn dick. You diffuse the situation,fix the problem and give Out consequences at an appropriate time. All OP has reinforced is that he does come last,he can't count on her if he fucks up and that digging your heels in is how you exert your dominance over others.

Amibeingdaft81 · 04/06/2019 18:32

I’m curious - what is the distance? Rather than the estimated time it takes

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:41

YourSarcasmIsDripping

As I have said, I would not necessarily have dealt with this like the OP did. The fact remains he is perfectly capable of walking to school and chose not to. He climbed in the window and bunked school, which is totally unacceptable.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:42

adaline

Then many 12 year old boys are behaving very badly. I blame the parents if they do it more than once.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 18:43

CarolDanvers

What, go for a walk? It’s a regular choice here.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/06/2019 18:45

@CaroleDanvers, you are implying a high drama moment. Simply, they left the house - OP went wherever she had to go with the small children. DS was meant to go to school at that point. I presume she didn't give him a lift, because she couldn't - had to drop the others off, and get to something important, not merely to serve him right.

@yoursarcasm - tons of melodrama there too - "reinforcing that he comes last" what rot.

OP though- is there not a later bus?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/06/2019 18:51

"He was late already. He would've been late with a lift and much later by walking. What was she trying to prove?"

The best way to learn not to be late is to experience the natural consequences for being late. Unless the circumstances are exceptional.

AlansLeftMoob · 04/06/2019 18:54

"Who was BU?!"

You. You were. The 12 year old was being a 12 year old. It's your responsibility as a parent to make sure your child gets to school.

MoreHairyThanScary · 04/06/2019 18:55

Dd2 did this once ( so far but she's only year 7). We told her a taxi to school run by us would be £20 from her Christmas money ( she didn't have a huge amount but we needed a real consequence.

OxanaVorontsova · 04/06/2019 18:58

I have to trust my daughters to get to school after DH and I leave the house every day, they've never been late in 4 years of secondary school. I'd have been really pissed off with him, but still would have given a lift, far better to be in late than not there at all. Tbh though, he needs waking much earlier.

MeltedCrayons · 04/06/2019 18:59

Id he deliberately missed the bus then bunked off, have you explored the possibility there is a reason he isn't wanting to go to school?

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