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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
NameChangerAmI · 04/06/2019 17:20

I have a DS in y9. I wake him up at 7:00am / 7:15am at the latest to leave the house at 8:15am.

YABU to not have woken him up earlier.

freshstartnewme · 04/06/2019 17:21

Maybe he deserves a bit of humiliation?

NOBODY deserves to be humiliated. Ever. Least of all by their own parent. Fucking hell.

Iggly · 04/06/2019 17:22

I don't think children of that age should be left to take public transport to school

That’s hilarious.

I was getting the bus to school from 11, when I started school. I was only late once when it was my first day and my (useless) mother didn’t tell me how to get there so I had to wait for her - she made us late.

Public transport is a fine option.

Mrsmadevans · 04/06/2019 17:23

I think you are being very hard on your son he is only 12 poor kid.

CookieDoughKid · 04/06/2019 17:23

Hindsight is a wonderful thing which doesn't exist. I'm sure you are a great mum and trying your best. Since school is no.1 priority, take him to school next time but take away a privilege like his sport. In the heat of the moment it's hard to know what's best. I have a dd teen who hates getting out of bed so totally sympathise. I just swipe her phone off her and that normally gets her out of bed pretty fast.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 17:28

freshstartnewme

Rubbish. Feeling a bit embarrassed because you did something wrong is part of how we learn what is right and what is wrong.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 04/06/2019 17:28

herculepoirot, parenting is not all about "coming down like a tonne of bricks"

That is mostly not necessary

pikapikachu · 04/06/2019 17:28

What time did you get back and find him at home? If it was just after dropping off ds2 then I'd have sent him to school then.

Personally I make sure that my 12 year old (year 8) is up in the morning even though he has set multiple alarms. He likes me being the back up. He eats some toast while walking to school and needs 30 minutes to get ready. (He's not even at the stage where he styles hair)

If I were you I would have charged my son for the lift (as a deterrent for the future so fiver? Tenner? ) and not gone too hard as it was the first time that he'd tried it. I'd confiscate phone for the evening and send him to bed earlier for the night as he "struggled" this morning. If he got up the next day on time he can have his old bedtime back.

I would only be driving his friend to the sports thing as a punishment for his dishonesty.

SoupDragon · 04/06/2019 17:29

The top one is my opinion, that's why I said I think.

Yes, and I think it's ridiculous.

I have a nearly 11 year old

So, not a secondary aged child who should be more than capable of getting public transport. I didn't let mine fend for themselves on public transport at "nearly 11" but they were all more than ready by the time they started secondary. As were all of my peers whe we started secondary (and we didn't have mobile phones). There is so much babying nowadays.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 17:29

SolitudeAtAltitude

Parenting is about lots of different things. When my child bunks off school and climbs through the window of my house, staying at home without my knowledge, that is the moment to come down hard. Other times I am all sweetness and light, I promise.

DishingOutDone · 04/06/2019 17:30

Consequences are no phone or laptop till the weekend and whatever school decides to do - what, you mean blame you? Because that's what they will do. Lovely parenting, locking him out of the house for a 60 minute walk. You really seem to despise him.

Bit confused how you think this wasn't your problem, what with you being the adult and all that. The way you talk about your son like he's something you have to tolerate ... saying that he should show you gratitude for a lift to a sporting activity - WTAF. Hmm

twosoups1972 · 04/06/2019 17:30

when did children and teens become so precious and delicate they cannot be expected to walk?

They can walk. But they often have heavy text books to lug around and possibly sports kit and musical instruments too. Walking for an hour with a heavy load is not being 'precious'.

DishingOutDone · 04/06/2019 17:32

This boy will do this again if his mum doesn’t come down like a ton of bricks

He didn't strangle a kitten or take £20 out of her purse for a wrap of crack FFS.

icannotremember · 04/06/2019 17:32

You should have taken him to school. It's your responsibility to ensure he attends. I get told this over and over when my ds plays truant: you have a legal duty to ensure he goes to school. Leaving him locked out of the house and disappearing off to make some sort of point was really silly. Yes, he should have been up and out on time. Yes, it's perfectly reasonable for him to take a bus. But in this situation you made poor choices. You did not communicate that the priority is attending school. You did not do all you could to ensure he went. Be a parent. Ensure his alarm is set. Wake him if you know he has overslept. Go on and on and on at him to get up, dressed, moving. And yes, drop him if that is the only way to get him there- and penalise him in some other way. But don't take the shruggy "well he should have got himself there I have better things to do" approach. Believe me, it's ineffective and will be viewed by school and the EWO and LA if his truancy persists as laziness and not putting the required effort in.

twosoups1972 · 04/06/2019 17:33

that is the moment to come down hard

maybe so but not by humiliating your own child. Horrible attitude.

cccameron · 04/06/2019 17:33

I don't understand why, if you were in the house, you didn't wake your son before 7. He must have to rush around like a maniac to be sat on the bus at 7.20 if woken at that time. Were you trying to teach him a lesson because his alarm wasn't set? I'd wake DH in time for his bus if I noticed he was sleeping in, never mind my 12 Yr old.

And to ask his grandad to take his friend to the activity an hours drive away but not your DS? Wow I cant believe you would ask that of him. Why the fuck would he drive miles to take his grandsons mate to an activity. He must think you are a real cheeky fucker! Asking someone else to punish him whilst simultaneously causing that person inconvenience is really shit

TheCaddy · 04/06/2019 17:34

Fuck sake, fucking hellish responses on this page.

To the poster who said he deserves to be humiliated you must realise that’s a disgusting comment to make?

He’s 12, you take him to school. I can’t ever imagine locking mine out of our house. That’s disgraceful even if his behaviour was on purpose.

Nottheduchess · 04/06/2019 17:34

he’s not my priority in the morning
Well that’s fucking obvious Hmm

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 17:36

DishingOutDone

No, I am not saying he is a criminal. I am saying he disregarded his mother’s instructions completely, showed no respect for her or for his education. And he is 12. Unless she deals with it firmly, next time he won’t wait for her to leave, he will just not go. And so on.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 17:38

TheCaddy

Not at all. If he feels embarrassed by a reasonable punishment, perhaps it is because the punishment is deserved. What utter foolishness, to let your child off with a lesser punishment than the one they clearly deserve in case you make them blush. He deserves it.

kaytee87 · 04/06/2019 17:38

Honestly op I think you need to make him a bit more of a priority. He's only 12. How does he have time for breakfast in the morning if he only has 20 minutes?
A bus at 7.20am for an 8.30 start seems a bit much for a school kid of that age. Couldn't you leave 10 minutes earlier and drop him off?

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 17:38

twosoups1972

If I was suggesting the stocks, you would be right. I am not. I am suggesting he misses an activity he enjoys. Someone else said that would humiliate him, and I am saying tough, his problem.

ForalltheSaints · 04/06/2019 17:42

Thirty years ago no-one would have questioned the OPs actions. However, as we breed a snowflake generation, they will be nowadays.

A bus at 720am is perfectly reasonable, and there should be no expectation of any lift of any kind. He should get up earlier, and perhaps show you that he has set his alarm, before he goes to bed.

TheCaddy · 04/06/2019 17:43

There are other punishments but not humiliation. That’s a form of bullying.

CarolDanvers · 04/06/2019 17:43

There's some proper toxic parents on here. It's interesting because you all honestly believe you're doing the right thing and those that don't are creating entitled little wimps who can't organise or take care of themselves. ALL 12 years olds mess up. All 12 year olds struggle with practical planning and self organisation at times. The answer is not "humiliation" and dragging them into cold showers at 5 am and it's certainly not leaving them to sink or swim. It's your job as a parent to chivvy and nudge and remind till they get there.

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