DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

Tbh I think you should have waked him earlier. Annoying but he obviously needs more "shepherding".

What time does school start? Presuming if it takes 60mins to walk bus may take less or about the same meaning he will be at school 8.20 at the latest. Seems quite a lengthy start to the day and suppose at end of school day too. Your DS would at a guess be heading towards hormone madness and his strop may well be a way of rebelling. Think you need to be a bit more compassionate with him at the moment. Yes you will want to emphasise your commitments but preteens and teenagers don't care two hoots about what you want or need it is not in their psyche.

My kids have over an hour to get up and ready. They still need reminding because they’re kids. At the moment my year 7 leaves early to collect his “girlfriend” from her bus but he needs close monitoring.

Their brains are being rearranged by hormones and there’s a lot going on in schools now so you need to be firm, yes, but the whole kicking out of house and expecting an hour to walk to school is a bit much.

With where we live I’d also be concerned at him bunking off and getting into all sorts of trouble so my focus would be getting him out of bed on time and to school. With his safety in mind I would have taken him to school but he’d have had a Nikki king the entire way there

A Nikki king = a bollocking 🙄

I would have dropped him at school and let whatever consequences the school employs for lateness serve as a lesson to him. BUT, some kids find it incredibly hard to wake up in the morning and need to be supervised until they are physically out of their rooms. My 15 year old has been setting his alarm for 6:30 and getting himself up and out the door by himself since he started secondary. By contrast my 18 year old still needs me to wake him up. Kids are different and need different things. And 12 year olds still need parenting -- they need a different kind of support from a littler child, but not less support. I'm afraid you need to find a way to build getting him up into your morning routine.

I’m with you OP, actions have consequences and you followed through with your promise. He will have to face the school tomorrow.
Now you are to punish him for bunking off too, and withdrawing whatever privileges are important to him. Sports, money to meet with friends, take his PS off him or his phone or whatever.

He's 12? That's still very young OP. You fully admit your focus is on your other kids in the morning but this has highlighted that your focus needs to be on him too.

You're shoring up future issues here with him I think. My 12 year old DS sometimes cycles and sometimes I drive him to school. I leave it up to him. However I wouldn't just leave him to his own devices because ... he's 12. Not 16

I think you were spot on OP.

I can't believe how some of you baby your child

Its called parenting.

One of mine has perfected that technique, probably from watching me get up, shower, wash and dry hair and make my sandwiches for lunch in 25 minutes flat.

Doubtful

Very wrong to lock him out! He should be able to get op alone but if he doesn't care if he is late to school you need to make sure he leaves on time. Mine are too terrified of detention so usually set the alarm themselves but every now and then they need a nudge or even to be dropped off half way. They are not adults yet and need still lots of help. Don't compare him with the younger ones. He is still a child in a very tricky time in his life. I would wonder why he is so careless about school

I think you should have at least dropped him off at you other child's school not doing this could suggest favouritism and your son may well already feel this. You look after 2 other DC but expect him to take care off himself in the morning he is still a child himself. There's nothing to stop you making sure he's up and dressed and giving him breakfast with the other two. It is your responsibility as a parent to ensure your children attend school it's also the law and if he bunks off school it will be you who answers to the authorities. He does need punished though, he needs to realise there's consequences to his actions, if you can't stop his activities because of commitments I think you could stop pocket money or give him some extra chores to do. He's of an age now at the onset of puberty where he will start to challenge authority. He's also worried about his DD perhaps you should have a talk with him and try to alleviate any fears he has about this or anything else that may be happening in his life at the moment.

Why did you refuse to drive him? 7.20 is quite early but if that is when he needs to leave you need to get him up earlier. I understand that you have to get yo work but could you leave earlier and drop him if he misses the bus. I get he is being lazy but you are the parent and having others it not an excuse. Maybe you should have considered this when conceiving the one yr old.

Why is everything he does so far away?

He’s got to be up very early for school yet he’s doing activities late into the evening. He’s probably really tired

DD who is 12 takes the bus everyday, although if she misses one, there is another in about 10 minutes, so no huge drama.

Is there a reason he didn't want to go to school, or was he embarrassed to be late?

Think at 12, he's still a child and perhaps you have higher expectations than he deserves.

He’s 12! Not 17!
Your choice to have more kids, you need to parent them all, they all need to be your focus in the morning!
Just wake him up earlier!
Gosh, the teen years are going to be hell for you if you’re finding 12 hard!

I’d have dropped him half way at least, maybe to another bus stop? Train station? Or somewhere so that his walk would only be 20 mins.
And I’m a full time working lone mum.

I suspect not many parents of secondary school kids will be able to give lifts if their kids miss the bus- not in my area anyway where kids travel ten/twelve miles to school on buses to go to grammar schools, and both parents work, and in a rural area it might be the only bus. DD at least has the option of a train if she misses a bus, but it's a 15 minute walk to the station and she will then be late. It tends to focus her mind to get up earlier next time as she also has to use pocket money on a train ticket.

He isn't your main focus in the morning I get that, but he should be some of your focus, he still needs attention. If he doesn't wake up early enough himself then make sure you wake him earlier. He is old enough to be more independent yes, but is still 12. I wouldn't have locked him out of the house and left not being sure of what he was doing. That would have played on my mind all day. It's a parents responsibility to make sure their child gets to school

I've just caught up with todays comments. Thank you to everyone who commented, especially the supportive ones. I don't agree with my actions yesterday but it's still nice to be told 'you're only human, move on and try harder'.
Today has been much better, he asked for and was given a lift and we've spent time packing for a sports trip. I'd fallen into the trap of seeing him as the enemy, your comments have opened my eyes to that.
Time for a name change!

To be getting up so early and going to bed so late he is really going to need you to remind him and encourage him and also support him.

My children need to leave at a similar time. My yr 7 will need to be in bed by 8pm to enable them to leave the house so early my yr10 can go on to 9pm but then needs to be asleep.

Commuting a distance and time needs different parenting to that of a child who can roll out of bed and get to their local school a short distance away.

I am afraid I am with the others who say you need to be directing him more in the morning.

Also age 12 they still very much need you

That’s good to hear OP. We all make mistakes as parents at times.

He’s 12! Not 17!

Alternatively he’s 12 not 7.

What people call a ‘commute’ is simply an average school journey for a London student. It took me a good hour to get to school including a 20 mins walk. It took my mum an hour & half to get to school, in sixth form she cycled which took 45 mins.

There’s so much over neurotic over-anxious parenting on here, and then posters are surprised when their kids get to uni and they can’t cope.

It beggars belief that people think a 12 year old can’t cope with an hour’s walk.

@mabelmylove
You locked a 12 year old out of the house expecting him to walk an hour to school? I think I’d climb back through the window in that situation too!

Seriously? My school was 1 hour 15-20 mins away and I walked there and back daily. Busfare wasn't an option.

Why on earth would an hours walk be a no go? At that time of day he'd easily make it too!

Agreed lolo it’s bizarre.

Although it does explain the overweight/obesity stats.

Basically you need to accept that 12 year olds are still children who have to be got up and organized. You cannot choose to ignore your legal responsibility to ensure his school attendance simply because you have younger children and it’s inconvenient! I’m fairly sure that locking him out in the hope that this will force him to go to school is not a legally recognized method of fulfilling this duty. Equally children have to be taught to connect cause and effect. I can’t quite see how oversleeping should result in missing training. With the best will in the world, 20 minutes is not long enough for a child (or anyone) to shower, dress, eat a healthy breakfast and walk to a bus stop, however close. You need to check that his alarm clock is correctly set for a time that allows everything necessary to be done without rushing (probably more like an hour) and if he isn’t up 10 minutes after it goes off, get him up yourself