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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
BunnyColvin · 05/06/2019 16:58

Her situation is due to her choices

Exactly this. And ShagMeRiggins have you actually read OP's updates, particularly the one where she said how she felt about her first-born child?

This isn't about blended families at all. Plenty of blended families are very successful. But in a successful blended family, ALL children are put first, not just the second family, not just one partner's and not the other's, all of them equally. Their wants and needs are prioritised so things don't escalate into the child going off the rails. It's the parents' responsibility to make sure that happens, not the child's. And that goes for non-blended families too, and even when parents do their level best, things can sometimes not go according to plan.

You can rant and rave as much as you want, but I'm not seeing a child who is being prioritised here. The OP posted looking for advice. She shouldn't be afraid of people calling it as they see it based on the info given.

CauliflowerBalti · 05/06/2019 17:41

Look into brain development. At 12 they are nowhere near equipped to take such full responsibility for their own time and actions. They need our support. Create the environment for independence and watch them like a hawk. Catch them when they fall. Work out what they can do better next time.

You’re treating a 12 year old boy like the enemy. I’m 40. I’m sometimes late and disorganised. If my partner left me to it, locked me out and left me to walk an hour somewhere to teach me a lesson and because he didn’t have time for me, you’d tell me to leave the bastard for being cruel and humiliating.

You’re a parent. Parent him. Compassionately and wisely. Help him get to bed earlier. Set the alarm earlier. Take him to school as well as the littles. Punishment for this kind of shit is they loss whatever made them late until they can be trusted again, or they get their wings clipped a bit until they can manage time better.

ChicCroissant · 05/06/2019 17:44

Don't people have catchment area local comps, 10-15 mins walk from home?

No. Are you in London, WingedCreature because that's the only place I've seen on here that has schools very close to home?

CauliflowerBalti · 05/06/2019 17:44

The logical consequence should have been, you took him to school, he was late, they punished him with a detention or whatever.

nuxe1984 · 05/06/2019 17:45

If he normally gets the bus - albeit with little time to spare between getting up and leaving - this behaviour would set my alarm bells ringing. Is he being bullied on the bus? Is something going on that he's not happy or comfortable with?

I work in education and know that some students really don't like the bus journey. Okay there's a driver but their job is to drive the bus, not control the children. And besides, they wouldn't know if verbal bullying was going on or if it was just banter or horse-play although a lot of them would pick stuff up.

Have a word with the school so they can check with the bus company.

But that aside, you need to get him up earlier. He's in year 7, the first year of senior school so has had to cope with big changes in his life. He has to remember different teachers, classrooms, lessons, etc. And he needs your support and help to cope with this transition.

Bugbabe1970 · 05/06/2019 17:51

He’s 12. It’s your responsibility to get him to school.
If he can’t get up in time get him to bed earlier and make sure he’s up earlier.
Are you in your own? It’s dads responsibility too.
No I wouldn’t have locked him out. I think that was a bit harsh .

Sb74 · 05/06/2019 17:52

I would never treat my 12 and 10 year old like that. How cruel. They are human beings not pieces of crap. How about teaching them human kindness? Would you treat an adult like that?

CaptainNelson · 05/06/2019 17:53

My DS1 at 12 missed the school bus once with his friend (friend was late). There's no public transport. They ran to school (3 miles) so they weren't late. I disagree with all the posters saying 12 year olds need to be taken to school. Yes, they need to be chivvied all the time to get up, get out of the house, etc, but at this age they are expected to learn to be responsible for themselves and take responsibility for their choices and actions. OP's DS chose not to get up. He needs consequences for that. Perhaps locking him out of the house wasn't the best idea, but I'm guessing OP was really frustrated and not thinking clearly.
Talk to him, listen to him (if he'll talk) and have a consequence for his choice to bunk off. Tell him what the consequence will be if he should do it again. Maybe off the '5 passes' idea that a PP raised, if that would work for you.

eastcoastmum2014 · 05/06/2019 17:55

I would have taken him into school, but taken him to class and given him a great big kiss in front of his mates Wink he would never try that again!! Seriously though I think you need to remember that although he is the oldest he still needs some attention and locking him out of the house was a bit extreme in my opinion Confused

Bellewhitehorses · 05/06/2019 18:06

Did he get any breakfast!

TheRedBarrows · 05/06/2019 18:07

An hour and 10 mins is a long journey to and from school for a 12 year old. I am guessing he is in Yr 7? And does all this travelling and training, but at the end of Yr 6 he had a 5 min journey to school and could get up later, and ave more down time.

He's 12 , he needs your support.

Sb74 · 05/06/2019 18:14

If an adult had an hour’s walk to work many would appreciate a lift if they missed their bus. Why should a child be treated differently to an adult? Surely we want our children to grow up being kind and helpful not mean to teach people a lesson. No-one is perfect and not every mistake made needs a lesson to be learnt- it’s just a mistake. Many adults make mistakes or get up late at times. If my family need help i help them as I don’t want them to get in trouble. I don't understand why a 12 year old is being treated with such contempt? He’s a child. It’s no wonder youngsters are turning to drugs and violence if they are treated like this.

TigerTooth · 05/06/2019 18:22

Mine would fall asleep after the alarm still (at 16) if I weren’t on the case - Wake him - he’s only 12!
I’d make sure that the school deal with the absence too and in future get him up by 6.30 so that he can wash, clean teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast and have a conversation before calmly travelling to school.
A big rush to do everything in 20 mins must leave you all very stressed.

sadmummyatthemo · 05/06/2019 18:26

Wow,there's a lot of the perfect parent brigade on here isn't there?

You know what?,the OP was well within her right to do what she did and she was being a parent to her child.

My secondary school aged children have a 60 minute walk to school,they get the school bus.I have made it extremely clear from day one at secondary school it is their responsibility to up on time and on that bus.If they miss it,they have a long walk.

When I was at secondary school it was my responsibility to get myself up,ready and out the door on time.

I have a son,he can get ready in 15 minutes flat if he wants to in the morning.The OP's son was pushing boundaries and behaving badly.He can't rely on his mum to bail him out every time,kids need to learn actions have consequences and as for locking him out,well he should have started walking to school,being late is no excuse to bunk off and frankly I hope the school issues a punishment for bunking off.

Sb74 · 05/06/2019 18:33

Sadmummy I think kids should be able to rely on their mum. If not their mum then who? Sounds like you’re part of the harsh mums brigade. Sounds like the poor kid could do with some attention from his mum rather than being ignored over his young siblings. Maybe that’s the issue? The behaviour was cruel and unnecessary. I feel sorry for kids with mums who think treating them like the enemy, as one poster pointed out, is good parenting. Love and kindness go much further than being hard on a12 year old. As someone else pointed out he might be getting bullied in the bus. If the op gave a shit and bothered to enquire she might be able to understand her son’s behaviour and help him rather than abandon him.

Qweenbee · 05/06/2019 18:35

He didn't just miss the bus, he deliberately missed the bus. You didn't do anything wrong expecting a 12 year old to take responsibility for himself. Ok it backfired and you are going to have to deal with it from a different angle next time, but hey what parents doesn't get it wrong sometimes?

I can't believe how some of you baby your child. And 20 minutes is plenty if a child prefers to be quick and spend the extra time in bed. One of mine has perfected that technique, probably from watching me get up, shower, wash and dry hair and make my sandwiches for lunch in 25 minutes flat.

freshstartnewme · 05/06/2019 18:36

IWow,there's a lot of the perfect parent brigade on here isn't there?

What's that then? People who don't agree? Yep, usual story on Mumsnet, collectively slate everyone with a different opinion.

You know what?,the OP was well within her right to do what she did

'Well within her right' ok, she was, that doesn't mean it wasn't a shitty thing to do though.

she was being a parent to her child.

Albeit, not a very good one

freshstartnewme · 05/06/2019 18:37

I think kids should be able to rely on their mum. If not their mum then who?

100%. THIS.

Kathandkim1 · 05/06/2019 18:38

You locked your 12 year old child out of the house and expected him to walk an hour to school? He's 12, you gave him 20 mins to get ready then when he didn't make the bus you refused to give him a lift? 20 mins for a child to get dressed, have breakfast and get his stuff together for school? I'm sorry but in my opinion you were definitely unreasonable. As his parent it is your responsibility to make sure he attends.

Sb74 · 05/06/2019 18:38

But why did he deliberately miss the bus?? That’s the question that should be asked and answered? There must be an issue. It’s not babying it’s treating your kids with the same dignity and respect as you would an adult so that they grow up knowing that’s how to treat people andnot like you’re in an army camp.

Tavannach · 05/06/2019 18:38

DS is 12.

freshstartnewme · 05/06/2019 18:40

I can't believe how some of you baby your child.

I don't baby mine, I take them to school when i could make them walk though. So what? It doesn't make them babied. My DD left school last month, today she drove 80 miles for a day in a major city and back. I took her to school in the mornings 95% of her time in high school. Oddly enough, just a few weeks after leaving, she is coping just fine with life.

Tavannach · 05/06/2019 18:40

DS is 12.

By which I mean he's still a child. Your child.
Time to get your shit together and start parenting him.

jwpetal · 05/06/2019 18:40

I have a 12 year old and younger children. I have told my son that I cannot get him to school and get the younger ones to school. Traffic would cause them to be late. I do wake him up at 6.45 to get the 7.30 bus. I spend that time with him until the others get up. He makes his own breakfast etc and I do his lunch.

At this point, many of the secondaries are doing exams even for the year 7. Have a chat after the others have gone to bed. He will still need guidance. Find out what is happening at school and show you care.

Don't stress about what happened and some of the negative remarks. Until we walk in another's shoes we do not know the full story. Just take this opportunity, to find out what is happening. set some boundaries and give positive support.

RedSkyLastNight · 05/06/2019 18:45

I can't believe how some of you baby your child.
So babying your child is
-- making sure they get up in time for school when their alarm doesn't go off
-- offering a lift to a place you are going anyway, so no extra effort to you

  • worrying about where they are when school rings to say they have't turned up
-taking the time to focus on your child rather than ignoring him in favour of his younger siblings.