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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 12:48

ChequerBoard

You obviously haven’t read all my posts, Chequer. Try that first.

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 05/06/2019 12:49

Also pretty irresponsible to leave a child of 12 to get to a school so far away alone.
I fail to see why a 12-year-old cannot do an hour's walk alone. I (and most of my schoolmates from wherever they lived) used to have to walk for at least half an hour to school from the age of 11 onwards - walking one hour would have been no worse, just taken longer.

Nottheduchess · 05/06/2019 12:55

She’s not coming back is she.

RedSkyLastNight · 05/06/2019 13:03

but it’s more likely it’s just a road.

... and if it's like where I live, walking along the road is generally not feasible (too busy/dual carriage ways) and walkers may have to go quite a long way out of their way to find a safe walking route. (though this works both ways, sometimes there is a quicker walking route than going along the road).

The point is that no one (not even OP or DS) has walked this route. No one has any idea how long it will actually take. OP suggested an hour but it might easily be 70 minutes or 50.

DishingOutDone · 05/06/2019 13:04

Its basically turned into the herculepoirot2 show, but in a way that's good thing because then the OP could see that this was the only sort of person unequivocally supporting her actions.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 13:09

RedSkyLastNight

I think if the route was very challenging, you’d be right, but the OP hasn’t indicated that. A 3 mile walk, assuming no real challenges with the route, shouldn’t be too hard for a normal fit 12 year old. I did it myself to get to school. It was fine. We can go in circles on it, but I am not going to say other than I am saying now.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 13:09

DishingOutDone

I have not unequivocally supported her actions. Read my posts.

CarolDanvers · 05/06/2019 13:11

😴

RedSkyLastNight · 05/06/2019 13:17

hercule
I'm not talking about a challenging route, just that it might not be possible to walk the same way that cars go. IME drivers very rarely think about how people would walk from A to B if they always drive it, so won't realise things like there is a junction it really isn't safe to cross, or that the walking route takes you under an under pass which means doubling back on yourself.

I've just checked the distance from our house to a school that we are considering for DS for sixth form. The shortest driving route is 3 miles, and the shortest walking route is 4.1.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 13:19

RedSkyLastNight

I’m sure the OP, who actually lives there, is the best placed person to decide whether it’s safe or not. Of course you could be right, or not - we don’t know. Let’s assume she does?

RedSkyLastNight · 05/06/2019 13:25

I don't know why I am arguing with hercule but actually OP has not given any indication as to knowledge of the walking route beyond probably thinking that it's the same way you would drive and that Googlemaps tells her it is 3 miles. But her son, who has cycled to school found it too much ...

TailsoftheManyPaws · 05/06/2019 13:26

Yes, our nearest school is under 2 miles away but the children get free transport as there is deemed to be no safe walking route.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 13:28

RedSkyLastNight

Nor do I. The OP knows her local area, we don’t.

ShagMeRiggins · 05/06/2019 13:58

OP, you were fine. Perhaps it could have been better, but I certainly don’t judge you for what you did. I don’t think you’re a bad parent. I believe you care very much about your son and his welfare and well-being.

Fuck all the posters saying you’re neglectful and that you hate him and that he’s practically a poor abandoned urchin. Fuck them. They do not live in your home and they know incredibly little about what kind of person and mother you are.

Don’t let them guilt you into anything, and don’t let them judge you. Wishing you and yours the very best. Flowers

BunnyColvin · 05/06/2019 14:05

I don’t think you’re a bad parent. I believe you care very much about your son and his welfare and well-being.

It isn't about her being a 'bad parent' as such. Life is never that black and white. But it's obvious she expects him to roll his own while she focuses on her second family, and whether the child can articulate this in his own head, it's obviously affected him massively.

It's not just outright materal neglect that affects children.

WingedCreature · 05/06/2019 14:36

I'm amazed so many DC have such a long journey to school and have to set off so early! Don't people have catchment area local comps, 10-15 mins walk from home? My DD gets up at 7.30 and doesn't have to leave house till 8.20

NewFoneWhoDis · 05/06/2019 14:44

Feel sorry for this child. He's struggling in a few areas - settling in to a new school, a new home(?) new baby, stressed mother and ill father. Not to mention the normal trials and tribulations that come from being twelve and social difficulties or hormones that entails. We've all had days where it's bloody difficult to haul ourselves out of bed yet you expect that a pre-teen should be perfect at all times. Kids especially get tired towards the end of the school year, I'm seeing it with my own child and my nieces and nephews in secondary.

He's still a kid and still needs his mum to chivvy him along some. I don't think you covered yourself in glory today but you have to start thinking of him and giving him at least equal priority to your other children.

DishingOutDone · 05/06/2019 15:02

NewFone - read hercule's posts; the boy needs to be punished. It's essential.

RedSky - nothing any of us can say will stop hercule posting this stuff. Its sad isn't it because you can see this awful situation, you feel sad for the child, OP isn't coming back and its tempting to rise to the "argument" but thank god most people on here have talked about being sensible and kind. Not spitefully gloating about punishments.

freshstartnewme · 05/06/2019 15:13

I gave up on hercule way back.

Anyone that thinks a 12 year old deserves to be humiliated isn't really worth listening to.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 15:17

DishingOutDone

Oh that’s not rising at all, is it? “Spitefully gloating” Hmm

LillithsFamiliar · 05/06/2019 15:25

As far as OP was aware, she left her 12-yr-old DS in the garage for 3 hours. I'm struggling with anyone trying to excuse that and if a child mentioned that in our school, a member of staff would have a chat with the parent involved to see how on earth that happened and why it ever seemed like a good decision.

ShagMeRiggins · 05/06/2019 16:20

But it's obvious she expects him to roll his own while she focuses on her second family

Specifically she said he wasn’t a priority in the morning. With the two younger children, that makes sense. They cannot do for themselves what needs to be done; he can and has.

That doesn’t mean she’s focusing on her “second” family instead of her 12-year-old son. What a shitty way to phrase it, Bunny. How dare you, or anyone else on this forum, judge her or anyone who has a “blended” family (italics not mine, just using the italics from yet another judgmental poster).

Many here are spouting about kindness. How about showing a bit to the OP, a working mum of three who has recently moved house and has an unstable and/or ill ex-husband for whom her eldest feels guilt.

Do you all really feel she considers her eldest to be part of her first family, and not included in her “second?” Unbelievable.

How about a bit of compassion for both sides.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 05/06/2019 16:33

OP is a grownup. She is the parent. Her situation is due to her choices.

I keep most of my sympathy for the child in this situation,who had no choice in moving,having two more siblings,a step dad etc.

rookiemere · 05/06/2019 16:49

Well said yoursarcastic as parents it's inevitable that we lose our temper from time to time but it's not a great thing and we should try to understand that our powers of reasoning should be better formed than our DCs,

Wonder if the DS is being treated as older than he is because he looks that way, we were away with some friends at half term, their DS was same age as ours 13, but was much taller and looked older and I found myself talking to him as if he was much older than DS.

RedSkyLastNight · 05/06/2019 16:55

But it's obvious she expects him to roll his own while she focuses on her second family*

Whilst I think that OP made the wrong decision to leave her son to walk to school, I have some sympathy as the decision was made under stress and, hey, we have all made bad decisions.

I' m actually more concerned that when OP had a call from school to say her DS had not arrived , she didn't bat an eyelid, made the assumption that he was in the garage and decided it was fine to leave him there. I have 2 teenagers, and sometimes we argue in the morning, but if I'd had a call to say that they weren't at school, my first instinct would be to worry for their safety, and I'd try to contact them, go home and see if they were there, talk to neighbours, drive the route from school to home ...

What I would not do ,is decide that they were probably fine and leave them without access to (presumably) food and water for another few hours. MN is full of parents concerned about their 12 year olds being on their own for a couple of hours after school ffs!! From DS's point of view, he is hardly getting the message that any one cares about him.