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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
twosoups1972 · 05/06/2019 10:53

@hercule I think you’ll find most people disagree with you.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:54

twosoups1972

That’s fine.

twosoups1972 · 05/06/2019 10:55

Exactly U2 completely agree.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 05/06/2019 10:57

I have one who at 12 had mastered getting themselves up and out, and one who at 12 now still needs support with that. I think at that age parents are still ultimately responsible for school attendance / punctuality. You can certainly give consequences to lateness (or perhaps better to frame it as rewards for timeliness) but I wouldn’t have just left him to get on with it.

TitianaTitsling · 05/06/2019 11:04

Good point brought up by Red Is the time spent ferrying to sports also due to your house move and you used to be much closer?

SummerHouse · 05/06/2019 11:07

He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument

To then find him climbing in the window...

I love your audacious DS!! He will go far.

Sorry it must be extremely annoying. But I think so far this incident will make him less likely to miss the bus in future so... high five parenting win!?

iolaus · 05/06/2019 11:14

The 7.20 bus may not actually take that long or have school start that early

I know when I was in school our school bus got there an hour before school started - so you just hung around, walked to the nearby shops or went to a friends house who lived nearby (I know my husband who although I didn't know him then as he was a few years above me said he used to cycle to school as it meant he could leave about 40 minutes later than if he caught the (free) bus)

RedSkyLastNight · 05/06/2019 11:19

I think adults often forget that (even 6ft tall 12 year old) children are not always very good at articulating themselves.
If DS had said "I'm really sorry I overslept, I will set 2 alarms from tomorrow, but I really can't face walking today, please could you at least give me a lift at least part of the way?" - I suspect OP might have responded differently.
Unfortunately most 12 year olds don't have the maturity to express themselves in that way, so adults (especially ones who are focused on other things and don't want to try to invest any time in working out what their DC actually mean) will hear it as defiance, when it may well not be!

rookiemere · 05/06/2019 11:25

"Get out of my life - but first give Alex and me a lift into town" is a book I found very helpful in setting expectations ( mine) around parenting a teen.

The main things I took from it was that it was important not to overreact and to remember that they would turn into normal people after about 5 years, unless I guess they are so severely neglected or rejected in the meantime that it cannot happen.

Drogosnextwife · 05/06/2019 11:38

*@Idontwanttotalk

I had to go to school on two buses, catching the first at 7.30 a.m. from the age of 11. My DP's didn't own a car anyway, my DF worked more locally and had a lift to work at 7.50 a.m. and my DM had 2 toddlers to care for.

Many 11 year olds travel to school by bus or train. It's just a fact of life and a very good preparation for independence later on*

And? What's your point? I still don't think it's right.

Proseccoinamug · 05/06/2019 12:01

Exactly why shouldn’t children this age get the bus to school, hercule? In what way is that detrimental to them? How do you suggest that parents who don’t drive or don’t own a car get them there?

My 12 year old gets the bus to school. I personally think they develop self esteem and a sense of competence through age appropriate steps towards independence.

However, he would be frightened and devastated if I drove away after he’d missed the bus and was late for school. If he climbed back into the house that would be due to panic and needing to get back to a place of safety. He would be like a rabbit in the headlights not knowing what to do and the person who is supposed to help him has just abandoned him and shrugged their shoulders.

He will continue to get the bus to school but if he misses it, nobody will ever do that to him.

It’s just unkind. If I missed the bus and dh shrugged his shoulders, said ‘your problem, walk an hour and take the flak for being late’ then drove away, it wouldn’t be ok. I wouldn’t do that to any person.

And I’d i overslept, the kids would certainly wake me. I wouldn’t be pleased if they decided to watch me face the consequences of my own mistake by allowing me to oversleep and miss the bus.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 12:01

Exactly why shouldn’t children this age get the bus to school, hercule? In what way is that detrimental to them? How do you suggest that parents who don’t drive or don’t own a car get them there?

I have no idea what you are talking about.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 12:03

If he climbed back into the house that would be due to panic and needing to get back to a place of safety. He would be like a rabbit in the headlights not knowing what to do and the person who is supposed to help him has just abandoned him and shrugged their shoulders.

You know your child best. That doesn’t seem to be what the OP is saying, though.

Proseccoinamug · 05/06/2019 12:05

I’m so sorry Hercule, wrong poster 🙈 - apologies. I meant drogosnextwife

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 12:05

Proseccoinamug

No problem.

Proseccoinamug · 05/06/2019 12:06

And fair point, OP knows her child better than I do.

I still don’t think it’s a nice way to treat any person, child or adult.

Easteronion · 05/06/2019 12:10

OP, your post indicates that you were very rushed and running late yourself. Would any of this happened if you were more organised in the morning?
Even the most independent 12 year old needs a kick up the ar*e to get a move along sometimes. I don't believe he was being defiant.

Some of your wording: hoping he'd walk to school, no gratitude, not my focus in the mornings.

Sounds like he's treated like an inconvenience to your hectic life. So sad.

RedSkyLastNight · 05/06/2019 12:26

I'm wondering if even walking to school would get DS there on time. OP doesn't seem to know how long it would actually take him to walk, which suggests he's never done it, so it might easily be longer than an hour, and of course that's assuming he can find a sensible way there (or thought to use GoogleMaps). Plus it must have been getting on for 7.30 before he actually left, and certainly at my DS's school "school starts at 8.30" does not mean you can be rushing in the gate at 8.30, it means you are meant to be in the classroom for your first lesson, books etc out ready. Or you get a late mark anyway. So I can easily understand that (especially after OP's argument about him not being late) he genuinely felt he didn't have a sensible option to pursue.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 12:28

It's 3 miles. Google Maps says it should take 11 mins in the car, that's without school run traffic. It's not particularly rural.

3 miles. It isn’t going to take more than an hour for a six foot, fit 12 year old.

Dr273 · 05/06/2019 12:33

Before launching into any action or inaction, you need to have a talk with your DS. He may just be a stroppy pre-teen, or there might be some reason he didn't want to go to school that day, e.g. not getting on with a friend, or having a lesson that makes him miserable. If this is the case, he won't confide in you if you respond to his actions before discussing his motives.
Sit him down, try to find out if there's anything. If there is, give him support with the problem, and explain that that doesn't make the w behaved okay. Then punish the behaviour. I know this is hard when you have others, but this is what your DS needs from you. Even if there's nothing it will keep open the door for discussion in future.

RedSkyLastNight · 05/06/2019 12:35

3 miles via car does not equal 3 miles on foot (necessarily).
And without knowledge of the route, I have no idea how you can say it won't take more than an hour.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 12:36

RedSkyLastNight

The OP may have neglected to mention that the route crosses a minefield, a river and the Continental shelf, Red, but it’s more likely it’s just a road.

twosoups1972 · 05/06/2019 12:42

@hercule I have a question for you, along the lines of suggested by a poster above - if the tables were turned and YOU had overslept and there was another adult in the house who could drive, would you not think it a nice thing to do for that adult to offer you a lift, at least part of the way?

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 12:44

twosoups1972

Yes.

ChequerBoard · 05/06/2019 12:45

Herculepoirot2 you seem very over invested in this story and at the same time completely unable to read the OPs updates regarding the situation the DS is in and her own assertions that she should have handled it differently and is looking at a parenting course as a result.

You seem very set on punishment and humiliation as the way forward for raising your children. I wonder how old your DC are, I think they may be quite young? Hopefully as they get older you will see that raising children into happy well adjusted teenagers successfully requires a lot more emotional intelligence.

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