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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:01

DtPeabodysLoosePants

I see what you mean. She shouldn’t have left until he did. I agree with that. I still think, all things considered, her expectation that he would go was more than reasonable and the actual choice he made was awful. Of course he needs a firm consequence for it, or he will do it again.

hopefulhalf · 05/06/2019 10:02

In any relationship there is a (unwritten ) contract of obligations and responsibilities. In the parent child relationship it starts with complete obligation on the part of the parents and no responsibility on the child's side. By 18 ( or more realistically these days 25) responsibility lies wholly with the child. The problem here is that the OP feels little obligation (getting him up 20 minutes before he needs to leave, expecting gratitude for taking him to sporting events) and therefore her DS doesn't take responsibility for his own actions (And lies). As others have said there are signs of a relationship in trouble here.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:05

hopefulhalf

There is an element of that. I agree. I still think the good parenting decision here is to punish him for those choices.

BunnyColvin · 05/06/2019 10:06

but they aren’t the children climbing back in the windows of their homes and refusing to do as their parents ask.

And you really really don't see any trace of a link between this child's behaviour and his mother's/family's behaviour towards him?

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:08

BunnyColvin

There may well be a link.

CarolDanvers · 05/06/2019 10:08

@LillithsFamiliar

Agree.

twosoups1972 · 05/06/2019 10:12

@carol I completely agree with you.

@hercule obedience? Do you want to raise a child who is obedient or one who makes sensible choices for themselves? You seem insistent on harsh punishment = they won’t do it again. Harsh punishments often do not work, they just cause resentment.

Drogosnextwife · 05/06/2019 10:13

His mum did all she could to ensure he got to school, bar physically picking him up and hurling him out the door

She really didn't, she did absolutely nothing except wake him up to late and then drive off without him, when actually she could have taken him without it causing her any hassle at all.

hopefulhalf · 05/06/2019 10:15

Hercule I have a 12yo (and had a 12yo DS 3 years ago). Honestly I think there is enough confrontation already. I would instead sit down with him once the little ones were in bed and have a constructive conversation about what went wrong and how everyone could have acted differently to achieve a better outcome. As the adult I would expect OP to talk about how she (and her DP- who is getting a free ride here) could change their behaviour to help DS to get to school on time. I would then expect DS to reflect that climbing back in through the window was not a good choice or an effective strategy.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:15

twosoups1972

I want both. I expect my child to follow certain basic rules and guidelines, making sensible decisions along the way. I know this won’t always happen and they will learn from the errors they do make, but I think using reasonable - not harsh - punishments when they are young will help them to focus on doing the right thing. If they resent that, that’s a shame.

hopefulhalf · 05/06/2019 10:22

As to punishment- natural consequences, an earlier bedtime, the need to catch up on the work he missed (therefore less freetime) plus whatever the school implements will do. But OP needs to help him with this, which does mean taking an interest, so email the teachers, ask the DS what he needs to catch up with, implement an earlier bedtime.
Unfortunately, and I hope I am wrong, I get the impression the 12 year old is very much " left to get on with it" and only comes to his mother's attention when there is problem or an inconvenience.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:22

hopefulhalf

That’s your choice to make, hopeful, isn’t it? I would do those things, and I would also punish him.

twosoups1972 · 05/06/2019 10:23

Agree hopeful in many ways older children/teens need their parents MORE than younger children.

Idontwanttotalk · 05/06/2019 10:30

@Drogosnextwife

"He's also not an adult, and I don't think children of that age should be left to take public transport to school."
I had to go to school on two buses, catching the first at 7.30 a.m. from the age of 11. My DP's didn't own a car anyway, my DF worked more locally and had a lift to work at 7.50 a.m. and my DM had 2 toddlers to care for.

Many 11 year olds travel to school by bus or train. It's just a fact of life and a very good preparation for independence later on.

BunnyColvin · 05/06/2019 10:31

And what's OP's punishment ??

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:36

BunnyColvin

I don’t quite get you. OP is the adult. Her child is her responsibility. Her “punishment”, if you like, is that she now has to focus on how to turn the behaviour around. Adults and children aren’t the same.

MaybeDoctor · 05/06/2019 10:36

The OP knew that he had missed the bus at 0720. She has a fully functioning car and a route that takes her somewhere in the region of his school, even if not quite to the door.

At that point in time the reasonable solution would have been to make the best of a bad job and take him with her to school after dropping the younger ones, even if he got a late mark. Then have a conversation later about a good routine for getting up in the morning. Make it clear that she wasn't happy about it and that it wouldn't be happening on a regular basis, fine. Make a massive showdown about it and drive off leaving him? Well, that worked out well didn't it. Hmm

For what it's worth I was the child/teen who had to walk everywhere as I had one parent who could not drive and another parent who pretty much refused to give lifts to extra curricular activities or anything else. Mostly it was fine, but it was sometimes lonely and often dark/cold in winter. A man once tried to entice me into his car and I quite often got lifts with people that I didn't know too well e.g. male teachers. However, as an adult I am pretty self-sufficient and hardy when it comes to walking. I also think nothing of getting public transport anywhere.

But you know what? My friends who would come out of a rehearsal to find their smiling parent sitting there in a nice warm car, they also grew up to be law abiding, functioning and independent adults.

BunnyColvin · 05/06/2019 10:39

Quite herculepoirot2 . I always wonder why the discussion in these cases is always around how to punish the child, who is often only behaving as a consequence of their circumstances.

There's obviously a lot more to address here than punishing the child.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:40

BunnyColvin

For the very simple reason that I think it is best for the child.

BunnyColvin · 05/06/2019 10:43

Look herculepoirot2 I'm not interested in going around in circles with you here. There's clearly a whole backstory that is very relevant to how this child is behaving, and unless that's addressed, no amount of punishment in the world is 'best for the child'. If you don't get 'cause and effect' as a concept, then this debate is pointless.

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:45

BunnyColvin

That sounds like you just want me to agree with you. Unfortunately, I don’t, so let’s leave it there.

U2HasTheEdge · 05/06/2019 10:47

And I agree with others that kindness towards each other in a family goes a long way. If for some reason MY alarm didn’t go off but the kids ignored the fact I wasn’t up and went on their merry way to school, making me late for work I would be kicking myself that I hadn’t raised such inconsiderate and selfish children.

Absolutely! Kindness is so underrated. I feel sorry for your son OP. He has a lot on and you are focused on the two youngest and can't even wake him up when he is running late. I wouldn't be punishing him for this at all. You created this.

He should have walked yes, but the way you behaved OP I am not surprised he did what he did. I don't think punishment is needed. What is needed is open conversations about how your son is feeling and you reassessing your parenting and why you feel like he isn't your focus in the morning. He sounds like he has a lot to deal with it and kindness would go far.

You woke him up late, didn't bother to drive him to your other child's school which would have resulted in a shorter walk and then locked him out and you want to add a punishment on top of all that? You don't always need to punish children to stop something happening again like some posters seem to think.

hopefulhalf · 05/06/2019 10:47

What is "best for the child" is for him to hear unequivocally "I am sorry that you missed school yesterday. We really need to find a way of preventing that from happening again and minimising the consequences of that missed day. How can we work together to achieve this ? I am here to help you develop the skills you need to manage getting to school on time".

herculepoirot2 · 05/06/2019 10:48

hopefulhalf

I simply don’t agree. I think the child will hear that and not understand what he did wrong. Next time he finds himself not wanting to do what he is asked to do, he will repeat the behaviour, because you have apologised to him and reinforced his sense that he acted correctly.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2019 10:49

I'm really quite shocked at this, you're legally responsible to get your kid to school and having two other kids doesn't mean you get to stop parenting rhe 12 year old.

Locking him out the house driving off and leaving him, having no clue if he's going to school and then thinking he was sitting in thr garage is simply neglectful behaviour.

No matter how this boy behaved, your own behaviour was a million times worse.