DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

Either you’ve raised a child who feels so entitled to a lift that he will climb through a window and truant rather than walk, or you haven’t. I may be on the strict side of parenting, but it’s so that doesn’t happen.

Or you've raised a child that is so used to low level conflict and criticism and not being cared about that they just don't give a shit anymore and just stop caring about staying within the lines and doing what they're supposed to do because every day is miserable. That was me. I think people who think it's all about strictness and expectations are just rather emotionally unintelligent and don't really see their children as a separate human being.

CarolDanvers - spot on. well said.

CarolDanvers

Which will not be my child. My child is adored.

fairweathercyclist

I know lots of people whose children don’t defy them. It’s the result of firm, fair parenting.

My 12 year old . ( Adhd) was refusing to get up this morning . Very verbally aggressive however it was made clear . It was now his job to get himself up and I would be doing nothing to help him. He missed his friends to walk down to school , had to make his own breakfast ( less healthy than I make ) but there was a safety gap in there so he didn’t walk with his friends but will be there on time . Parenting isn’t all or not. It is about getting to the point you need too.

herculepoirot

I really hope your methods work for you, for your child's sake though not yours. The proof is in the pudding though so you'll not really find out for a few years. Your child is adored you say, this child obviously isn't. Why are you so insistent that your rigid and inflexible parenting style is the one that should be applied here? Your lack of insight and unwillingness to see any viewpoint outside your own specific situation is tiring and I am not going to address you anymore. Heads and brick walls and all that. Plus you remind me of my own parents and that is NOT a good thing... I'm glad you're being challenged though as I would hate your uncompromising view to be the only one people took from this thread.

Christ on a bike.
I’m glad my mum always had my back. I still grew up to be responsible!
Living with some of you sounds like living in a prison camp.
If my 40+ husband was knackered and fell back asleep, I’d help him out.

CarolDanvers

Because I think the OP is going to be in trouble in a few years and I want to help her? Please re-read my posts. Nothing about them is rigid and inflexible. I have suggested the OP should have handled the initial situation differently. I have suggested she attends a parenting course. I have suggested it isn’t helpful to ask her why she had X number of children. Etc. It just happens to be my opinion - and I can’t change it because it is what I think - that her son’s actions were highly inappropriate and the behaviour needs a serious consequence.

I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning.

Maybe he should be! He's 12 - a child and you locked him out of the house and went about your daily business? Were you even concerned he might not have made it safely to school if he had walked for an hour?
I get he's played up and you're cross but come on, he's your child fgs!!!

My son set an alarm and got himself up and on the bus every day from age 11. If he missed the bus he had a 45 minute walk (which quite a lot of kids round here do every day anyway, to save on the now very expensive bus fare). I would have been furious with him if he had let himself back in.

I think that's great way to punish him, if you muck around you walk to school. Hopefully he gets detention at school.

Sadly I too am not surprised that this is a "blended" family. My DCs (12 And 15) have to leave at 7 (superselective grammar school to avoid quite frankly dire local options). However from the day I put his name down I absolutely "owned" the fact that they would need extra help and support to organise themselves and get out on time. It sounds like you have uprooted your older DS without (with your partner) making that psychological commitmant to help him. In order to get myself and 2 DCs fed and ready to leave by 7, I am up at 5:30, I wonder what time your alarm goes ? 100% agree with others at 12 there is an obligation on your part to make sure he is up in time, has breakfast offered to him and leaves on time.

Surely if he's too tired to get up on time in the morning to catch the bus, he goes to bed an hour earlier ? He might find after a week of early bed times that he can manage to get up on time after all.

Some children don't need 'adoration' but love, kindness and understanding. It's likely OP's DS is struggling, possibly with anxiety. Anxiety about the move; about school; health anxiety about his DF, etc. Viewing actions through a prism of obedience or defiance doesn't even begin to cover the gamut of issues that a child can be experiencing.
Your DCs may not be experiencing any of those hercule and that's great but it also makes their behaviour irrelevant to OP because she has a DC who doesn't feel adored, who she admits she doesn't focus on, who she said she deliberately locked out because she thought that would make him go to school, who she didn't allow in her car even though she was going closer to his school . . . and all of that shows she doesn't actually know her child. She didn't anticipate his responses or the impact of her actions. She got into a battle of wills with a child. Nobody won out of this. If OP had handled it differently her DS would have got to school and she could have imposed a consequence. But what happened between them wasn't an one-off, it was the culmination of their deteriorating relationship.

LillithsFamiliar

I honestly believe that’s a ridiculous interpretation of what the OP said. She said she locked him out, but actually she saw him off to school, and the door was locked because she was leaving the house. She did wake him up. She also said he goes to sports three nights a week. He is hardly neglected.

I have already said I would have handled this slightly differently, but actually when we are talking about a 12 year old, it is obedience or defiance. I expect my 12 year old to go to school, not break into our home and hide out there all day. Basics.

Or you've raised a child that is so used to low level conflict and criticism and not being cared about that they just don't give a shit anymore and just stop caring about staying within the lines and doing what they're supposed to do because every day is miserable.

This completely. This is 12-year-old ffs. You've obviously sidelined him so completely that he feels at the edge of the family. If you don't want this situation to deteriorate, you need to get him counselling, or better still, counselling for the two of you. He's clearly your last priority and knows that.

Also, is he getting enough sleep at night? Are you ensuring that he doesn't take his electronics into his bedroom so that he can get a decent night's sleep and get up on time? Is it really too much trouble for you to go into a twelve-year-old's room in the morning and make sure he gets up?

He shouldn't be expected to walk 60 minutes with a heavy schoolbag ime. That should only be in an absolute extreme circumstance.

You need to wake up OP.

The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school.

She didn't "see him off to school" @herculepoirot2 . She just "hoped" he'd go to school. After locking him out as per the OP.

LillithsFamiliar

And I agree with you about the deteriorating relationship. This situation doesn’t only need firm consequences - the OP needs to step up and do more here. Her son has shown a level of disrespect that needs to be discussed and understood, but the boundaries also need reinforcement.

DtPeabodysLoosePants

She locked the door because she was leaving the house. She instructed her child to go to school. That’s what he should have done.

He shouldn't be expected to walk 60 minutes with a heavy schoolbag ime.

Did he actually have a heavy school bag?

That’s what he should have done.

And you're blaming that on a 12-year-old kid?

You know what, why did he ever need parenting at all? Why didn't he just toddle off to playschool at the age of 2 himself? People need to get a grip here and see the link between how the OP treats her son and his behaviour.

It's not unusual to see children going to school carrying schoolbags in my experience herculpoirot2 , very heavy ones, going by my own children.

Yes he should but you are claiming she saw him off to school when ops own words contradict this.

BunnyColvin

12, not 2.

BunnyColvin

I agree, but they aren’t the children climbing back in the windows of their homes and refusing to do as their parents ask. They are the children going to school day in, day out, walking or driving.