DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

We are all keen walkers and even I think expecting a 12 year old to walk an hour to school, with no breakfast (does he get a drink?) is too much at that time of day. It depends on how suitable the route is for walking too. Is it rural with limited footpaths making it necessary to walk on the road? The school must be pretty far so I'm guessing rural/semi rural but could be wrong.
I feel so sorry for your son. Yes he was wrong to skip school but there were better choices you could have made. If he's used to getting a lift does he have the confidence to get the bus? Did he know when the next one was due? Maybe he was scared of feeling into trouble for being late so bummed off instead thinking that would be better somehow. Maybe he needs help with contingency planning for this scenario. I was terrified of missing the bus when I was in year 7 and was often ill through anxiety and off sick. My parents never talked to me about what to do if xyz. I had to get 2 buses to school and was always anxious I'd miss the second one. He's only 12. My dd was really nervous of getting the bus the first and second time. She's only needed it a handful of times if she's been meeting me elsewhere after school as she normally walks the mile there but I talked scenarios with her just in case so she was prepared.
They seem so grown up in some ways but remember that only a year ago he was still at primary school.

I knew the lad didn't have the same father as the younger two, I just bloody knew it. I've worked with enough estranged teenagers to see that from the get go - new family, older child is in the way, not showing "gratitude". He's 6' 2" so he looks like an adult and is allowed to go to town or somewhere, Op doesn't know exactly where, on his own and its not her problem. What a sad life this boy has. Or will have.

Me too dishing, OP has a new family to think about now and that’s her focus.

I thought as soon as I read the OP and saw the age difference between the children.

I don't despise him but I do sometimes despise his behaviour. I find the lying especially extremely frustrating. It's almost like being ghosted, he's so convincing.

It is precisely nothing like being ghosted. He's your 12 year old child. Poor kid.

I wonder how many people who are vocal about teens being perfectly happy walking long distances or taking multiple buses to school do similar on their own work commute? Or do they set off on their nice local commutes in their nice comfortable cars?

Twenty minutes to get ready: what about a shower? Breakfast? A bowel movement?
Then people say that teens have poor hygiene.

I wonder how many people who are vocal about teens being perfectly happy walking long distances or taking multiple buses to school do similar on their own work commute?

I don’t work but I used to walk for a hour to school occasionally. I’m happy to walk for an hour occasionally now. But the point isn’t that he should be “perfectly happy”, the point is that he should have walked whether he was happy or not. It’s a one off and he missed his bus. Shanks pony.

I am perfectly happy to walk an hour too. Sometimes I deliberately walk home from somewhere that is normally a car journey just for the exercise or for the hell of it. But I don’t do it on a weekday morning.

I have a car sitting on the driveway, a bank account, credit cards, a station and a taxi rank not too far away. I have plenty of choices. Children have very few.

MaybeDoctor

I just don’t really see the big deal. Before you had those things, you walked. It was healthier, you came to no harm.

Just a thought, why is it bus or walk? Couldn't you take him to the next stop on the bus route?

Why was it OK for your 12 year old to be late but not your younger child? I doubt the younger one would have been put in detention for being late.

I don't despise him but I do sometimes despise his behaviour. I find the lying especially extremely frustrating. It's almost like being ghosted, he's so convincing.

I'll bet he is convincing because he is lying all the time, pretending he is the happy older brother, pretending he doesn't mind when you prioritise the younger ones.

This is a child who is hurting, his father is ill (when does he get to see his father) his mother is too busy for him, his step dad isn't his dad. He overslept,had an argument with his mum, got turfed out of the house while mum prioritised the younger children, again.

I'm not surprised he got back in, he probably wanted some peace and quiet.

He is 12. He is a child. He needs his mum.

I’m sorry but I can get past the I have a 7 year old and one year old so he is not my focus in the morning.

Firstly it sounds like you have too much on in the mornings, but that is not your 12 year olds fault. When is he your focus?

Locking a12 year old out the house and telling him to walk an hour is not on. Waking him 20 min before his bus is not on (when does he eat breakfast). Sounds like a cry for some attention to me.

Looks like OP has left the thread.

My 12 yr old gets two trains to school in the morning and gets up at 0650. I set my alarm and his and make sure he is up and has breakfast as he has a long day. I then drive him to the train station which isn’t too far from the house however it allows him an extra ten mins in bed. 12 is still young and it’s the first year in secondary and they usually need support. You seem to be focussing on your 12yr old as a problem, feel sorry for the poor lad. You have moved on with a new family and he is like an irritant. Perhaps spend some time with your 12yr old and remind him he is loved.

I suppose for me, this whole thread comes down to what sort of child I want to raise. I agree that the OP was a little harsh to make him walk. I agree she could have got him up earlier. But there are, broadly, two types of hypothetical 12 year old: one who will roll his eyes, say you’re being “extra” and stomp off to school in a mood, the other who will climb back in through the window and bunk off school because he cannot possibly be expected to walk to school.

I just couldn’t put up with the second one, so I would have to prevent him doing that.

herculepoirot2 or there may be another type of 12 yr old. Full of hormones and bravado, who yes slept in and missed the bus, but could benefit more from a bit of kindness from his DM by giving him a lift to the junior school which he'd still need to walk in from.

My DS is 13 and when he gets the bus I knock on the door to make sure he's up and chivvy him out the door with a slice of toast. I don't think that's babying - just encouraging him to get where he needs to be and pretty fundamental parenting tbh.

DishingOutDone - yep, this was my instant thought when I first read the post. Mother has moved on, new family is the focus and more important, just kicking around the time until eldest boy moves out. Absolutely bloody shameful. Give it 4 or 5 years and the OP (who has obviously gone) will be back on MN moaning about some shitty situation the poor lad is now in and not understanding how it happened. In all the world you need to know that your mum is on your side and standing next to you, helping you and supporting you. Those people that dont have it, write on here all the time about the massive and long term effects it has on them. surely the OP and other people read these threads and it makes them think?

rookiemere

Either you’ve raised a child who feels so entitled to a lift that he will climb through a window and truant rather than walk, or you haven’t. I may be on the strict side of parenting, but it’s so that doesn’t happen.

Hercukepoirot2 I guess the op would have had a better chance at raising the first type of 12 year old if she had spent more time focusing on him during a house move, a school move in which he struggled, helping him address his feelings of guilt re his struggling dad and Probable feelings of rejection rather than having another kid who the op admits she focuses on. This poor kid probably felt locked out of the family long before she physically locked him out this morning

Lifeover

I think some people on this thread have been quite incredibly judgy about the OP’s parenting, and I am not surprised she has buggered off.

@hercule your ideas seem very rigid/black and white. A bit of flexibility is really important in parenting teens. And you are damn right about what sort of person you want to raise. I want to raise children who are kind and look out for family members even when they slip up.

twosoups1972

I know what I think. If that’s “rigid” then 🤷🏻‍♀️

But I am not that black and white. There are plenty of behaviours in teens that are undesirable but perfectly normal and that they will grow out of in time and with kindness. This isn’t one of those.

An hour’s walk, under time pressure and without warning, at 7.30am

If my car broke down, I had no money for a taxi and there was no public transport and I needed to get to work, I suppose I would have to walk (I would probably cycle but not all schools allow cycling and those that do, you need a permit etc so couldn't do it as a one-off - well I suppose you could if you parked your bike somewhere else but then it might get stolen).

herculepoirot2 - the OP asked for opinions. she got them. the full range of them. If she didnt want people to judge her parenting then she shouldnt have posted in the first place.

I am not a perfect parent. I learn as I go along - but I do this WITH my children. I am not their best friend. I am their parent. Your parenting style works for you and your family at the moment. Will it always work - being so inflexible? who knows but I hope it does because sometimes life throws a curve ball and if you cant be flexible it smacks you firmly in the face. I hope that the OP is feeling a bit sad about how her relationship is with her son and that she is working on strategies to improve it rather than typing on aibu. That would be the best outcome for him.

If this was a 14/15 Yo would 💯agree with your actions.

But a 12Yo 🙄🤔

Something doesn’t sit right with me about that. I wouldn’t leave a 12Yo alone in the house for long periods. Certainly wouldn’t be keen on them walking an hour alone! You drove off and left him locked out? 😬

I consider myself relatively ‘no nonsense’ but personally think your DS is a year or two off warranting your behaviour.

I do wonder how SS would have felt had a neighbour phoned it in. I worry that 12 is a bit of a grey area!

Then many 12 year old boys are behaving very badly. I blame the parents if they do it more than once

I'm constantly amazed at the pople on MN (and other internet forums) who think all bad behaviour by kids is the parents' fault. It is astonishing that you have such control over your children that they never defy you. Or just make a mistake (and yes, you can make a mistake more than once when you are 12, especially something like oversleeping).