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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

649 replies

CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 14:54

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

OP posts:
Likeamobvie · 04/06/2019 19:29

@ineedtostopbeingsolazy my mum used to make us pay for a taxi out of our wages if we missed the bus. It was usually around £25 for a taxi and I only earned £20 a week at my Saturday job. It was quite mean but it absolutely worked, I only missed the bus once !

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 19:30

adaline

And where did I say she did? The point I have been making here is that he needs and deserves a firm consequence.

twosoups1972 · 04/06/2019 19:33

Tbh I contemplated giving him a lift to DS2's school. He could've walked from there and only been a bit late

That would have been a much more sensible response from you. So you were too angry and stubborn to do this??

Original poster
CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 19:33

We moved last summer. He has had a lot to deal with in all honesty. His DD, my exH has ongoing health problems and he feels responsible for his DD who is on his own.
20 mins is not enough time in the morning but he would often chose to drag himself out of bed at the last minute.

OP posts:
scubaprincess · 04/06/2019 19:33

Is your DS having issues at school? I used to bunk off as I was being bullied and sometimes just couldn't face going in. I do think you need to focus on him for a while as he clearly needs some boundaries/learn consequences etc as things will only get harder as he gets more into the teenage years. As some others have said you should have driven him in late as he'd have still gone to school which is better than bunking off. You also need to work out a consequence for his actions that will make him stop and think. He's at such a delicate age-you need to guide him to be a man.

bmbonanza · 04/06/2019 19:38

Definitely no sports this week, probably no phone/internet/online gaming etc, and woken at least half an hour earlier from now on.

twosoups1972 · 04/06/2019 19:39

Well I think cut him a bit of slack if he's got a lot going on.

OP - I wonder - would it be practical for you to drop him at your younger child's school on a regular basis if you're going there anyway? How long would it take him to walk from there?

Original poster
CaptainMarvellous · 04/06/2019 19:39

pauline you're not wrong

He has had issues at school but there's nothing that we are aware of atm. He took a while to settle and make friends, but seems to be there

His school has responded kindly and offered to give him lunchtime detention.

As well as waking him earlier and remembering to shut the downstairs windows, I might look at the local parenting teen courses - I think we need the help

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 04/06/2019 19:43

I think that's a good idea OP. It does sounds like he is a young man with lots happening in his life, poorly dad, just moved house, young siblings taking the lions share of the attention.

I would look to have a bit of 121 time for a chat and be a bit kinder to him.

LillithsFamiliar · 04/06/2019 19:45

Presumably you and DH made the decision to move house even though it meant DS had to change schools or have a much longer commute. Of course, that's fine. We've just made a similar call but we're not pretending it's easy for everyone. DH hates the commute almost as much as DS. I hate the fact we need to get up earlier. But. we're working on the basis that you have to suck up the transition period and that the person who isn't to blame at all is DS because he didn't choose this.
I think you also need to consider the conversation you have with the school. You may have inadvertently given the impression that you can't manage your DS or that he's out of control.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 19:46

Tbh I contemplated giving him a lift to DS2's school. He could've walked from there and only been a bit late

I know I am all for a firm response, but this is Confused

It sounds like it would be a good idea to go on the course, OP.

llangennith · 04/06/2019 19:46

You're doing your best OP. It's easy to forget that the eldest DC still needs looking after when you have much younger children.

My DC are all grown up now but I remember feeling very guilty when I realised I was still taking care of all youngest DD's needs at 11 whereas I'd expected eldest DD to sort herself out.
Try to give him a bit more tlc 😊

CarolDanvers · 04/06/2019 19:49

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

* But I was so pissed off about the lying that I saw red.

She locked him out! She said it herself, she saw red and locked him out. We can all read the OP's OWN posts about this. Why are YOU trying to convince us all it was different to how the OP herself says it was? It was a high drama incident. So weird how you're ignoring the OP's posts as though you were there yourself and know better.

NoTheyAreNotTeenagers · 04/06/2019 19:49

His DD, my exH has ongoing health problems and he feels responsible for his DD who is on his own.

Does this mean that the DC you do give attention to in the mornings are DC with a new DP/H?

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/06/2019 19:50

The teen courses might be helpful, god knows I'm not looking forward to this in a couple of years Smile.

Other than that maybe just a little think about how you're interacting with him given all you've said about expectations and your focus on smaller dc (and you've been very honest in that regard, credit where it's due as plenty would have been defensive) plus his worries about his dad plus the fact he's a hormonal almost teen. Life isn't a walk in the park for him really so I suppose you have to try to bear it in mind when you feel yourself getting frustrated with him, difficult as that may be at times.

ChicCroissant · 04/06/2019 19:51

You didn't even contact him after the school let you know at 10.00am? You made the effort to speak to the school to say he was truanting but you didn't speak to your son to see if he was OK? That is horrendous in my opinion!

You said you could have given him a lift part-way. Do that next time. In the circumstances you describe, I'd be feeling really pushed out if I was him. Also, if he gives his side to the school tomorrow morning (overslept, only woken 20 mins before the bus and then locked out of the house and refused a lift) they are likely to be pretty sympathetic to him.

CarolDanvers · 04/06/2019 19:52

What, go for a walk? It’s a regular choice here.

@herculepoirot2 if you don't know the difference between walking as a chosen leisure activity and a sixty minute walk to a place where you'll be late and get into trouble anyway after getting up late, feeling unprepared and having an argument with your Mum; then I don't know what else to say to you 🤷‍♀️

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 19:56

CarolDanvers

I know the difference. I didn’t think there had been any sort of big argument. He was late. 🤷🏻‍♀️

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 04/06/2019 19:57

Where were you until 1 o'clock?

The kid obviously has issue.

You admit you don't give him much attention,that the younger ones keep you busy and that you treat him older than he is.

He had trouble settling in at the new school.

In a year he moved houses and there's a new baby in the house.

His dad is ill and he feels responsible for it.

You left him in a garage!!(ir that's what you thought)
You knew he was home alone and not at school but didn't contact him or return!!

And you can't possibly see why he might struggle,make bad decisions and choose the path of least resistance?

TatianaLarina · 04/06/2019 19:57

Not sure what the difference is between a walk and a bus ride in that scenario.

If you’re late you’re late.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 04/06/2019 19:59

You know Op once you've hugged it out or whatever you could send him this link:

www.ilovesciencestore.co.uk/products/clocky

It'll either make him smile OR he'll think it's a fab idea and want one!

CarolDanvers · 04/06/2019 19:59

You don't know the difference between a sixty minute walk and a shorter, probably seated bus ride?

Pharlapwasthebest · 04/06/2019 20:01

I also have a 12 yr old , he leaves for the bus at 730. We get up together at 645, and just be up together. I cannot comprehend locking him out and leaving him alone, I am shocked anyone would think about doing this.
I would have driven him in, but as a consequence , he would have had to miss his sport, the other mum would have had to understand.

Beautiful3 · 04/06/2019 20:03

You are waking him up too late. 7am doesn't give him enough time to catch the 7.20 bus. I would wake him up at 630, and kick him out at 7. If he hasn't eaten breakfast give him some fruit on his way out.

bananafish · 04/06/2019 20:06

You sound really frustrated and angry with him, which is understandable. But he's 12, not 15, and you could cut him some slack? As everyone else has said, you need to instil a better morning routine.

I've got a 6' 2 just turned 13 yr old as well and it's so easy to forget that they are still children when they look like that. But he does need help and attention from both of his parents. Love them most when they deserve it least and all that.

You probably can't face the thought of reading another parenting book when you're clearly very busy but...
... Get Out of My Life… by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks is a godsend if you can bear it. I can't abide lying and like you when my DS did it, I would be incandescent and genuinely felt dislike towards him. He still lies on occasion, but I know what I'm dealing with now thanks to this book, and he does it so much less.

There are ways to make the relationship less negative and confrontational - and it's worth it. I wish you luck.

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