DS deliberately missed bus expecting a lift, I refused and so he bunked off

[CaptainMarvellous]

DS is 12. I woke him at 7am expecting him to get up and out the door, I warned him then I was leaving too late to give him a lift. He's supposed to set an alarm but claimed today it didn't go off. The bus goes at 7.20, he has previously got up and caught the bus in 20mins. Today he decided he couldn't. He also told me he wasn't going to walk (60 min walk).
I reminded him that I was leaving too late to drop him, he lied to me and said lessons start 15mins later than they do. He denied knowing what time school starts for the rest of the argument. The crux of it is I refused to give him a lift, locked him out of the house and went out. I was hoping that with no where to go he'd walk to school. I've emailed school to let them know he's effectively bunking. When I returned he's climbed in through a downstairs window (highlighting our crap security).
So who was BU?
I should add I also have 1yo and 7yo DC so DS isn't my focus in the morning. And we will be ferrying him around for his sport 3 evenings this week (think 90min round trips at 8.3pm) for which he shows no gratitude. We can't ditch it as we've agreed to take a friend

He was responsible for setting his alarm & getting up, he didn’t.

He could have got up, dressed, teeth cleaned, apple grabbed & at the bus stop in 20 minutes, easily.

He could have walked.

He chose to bunk off school. What you did/didn’t/could/should have done is completely irrelevant here.

Treat this as you would anytime he chose to bunk off school.

I’d take him to the sport if him not going would impact on a team because it’s not fair on everyone else and I’d taken the friend either way. The favour to the kids parent isn’t anything to to do with this (PITA now, but that’s life).

DS wouldn’t have any tech for a week, definitely not this weekend! He’d be doing extra work to make up for the missed lessons and he’d been even going to bed early.

He chose to bunk off school, you need to nip this in the bud.

Then many 12 year old boys are behaving very badly. I blame the parents if they do it more than once.

Of course. Because they're 12. And 12 year olds are impulsive and hormonal and regularly make poor decisions.

None of this would have happened if OP had done her job as a parent and gotten her son up and out of the door on time.

He's also not an adult, and I don't think children of that age should
be left to take public transport to school.

Sorry but pmsl over this one. How do you think central London traffic would cope if parents drove their precious little snowflakes to school every day? How do you think the child of a lone parent working long shifts as a nurse gets to school? My 2 took the bus to school together when the eldest was in Year 5 and the youngest in Year 3 (OK the summer term and with another Yr 5 friend). I did the same from 8 years old, a 6 mile journey by bus to the other side of my home town and back. DC's school said that by summer term of Year 6 most children should be making their way to and from school independently by public transport.

One prestigious central London school has an evening for the parents of its new year 7s and tells them that they expect every one in the year to be capable of making their own way into school by 3 different routes (to cope with cocked up public transport) by the end of September of year 7. Many Yr 7s are able to navigate themselves home through the major London railway stations by that time. If you have watched Planet Child you will have seen that in Japan young primary school children manage to negotiate train and tube journeys to school through central Tokyo by themselves.

I really despair of some parents - but not the OP - her son was perfectly capable of making his own way to school and deserves to be in big trouble for being disobedient and climbing back into the house and playing truant.

It's 3 miles. Google Maps says it should take 11 mins in the car, that's without school run traffic. It's not particularly rural. The only bus from our house that goes to the school is at 7.20am. DS1 likes getting there early as he gets to hang out with his friends. He didn't choose to go to a school so far away but he also didn't want to switch to our nearer secondary when we moved.

Tbh I contemplated giving him a lift to DS2's school. He could've walked from there and only been a bit late. But I was so pissed off about the lying that I saw red.
It was a disproportionate and immature response and it got another disproportionate and immature response back this is not wrong
To whomever was panicking over us not knowing where he was for several hours; I was back at 1pm. I had an email from school to say he wasn't there around 10am, at that point I remembered I could track him on his phone and so knew he was home. I just assumed he was in the garage I guess. I realise that sounds awful.
In fairness though he often goes out with friends for an afternoon/early evening and we don't know where he is, just 'town'.

I had an email from school to say he wasn't there around 10am, at that point I remembered I could track him on his phone and so knew he was home. I just assumed he was in the garage I guess. I realise that sounds awful.

And you didn't think to go and check that your 12yo child was okay?

adaline

There’s an argument the OP should have behaved differently. The boy definitely should have done. Letting him get away with it at this point? No chance.

If I lived an hours walk from work and my car broke down, work wouldn’t accept me staying home, would they? I am able bodied. They would say “See you in an hour”.

Actually I rather expect most people's works would expect them to get a taxi, so that they were able to arrive as soon as possible. Very few adults choose walk to work, even if they are able to do so.

Unless OP has previously told her DS that he will have to walk if he misses the bus, then surely a better response to this incident would be to take him to school, whilst having a chat about taking responsibility and stressing that this is the one and only time she will be giving him a lift and next time he'll have to sort himself out.

Incidentally, did DS have any say in going to this school and did he buy into the early bus journey? If he didn't , then even more reason to cut him some slack.

Your poor little boy

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂😂

He chose to be a lazy defiant little sod then bunk off school. Poor Little Diddums my arse.

RedSkyLastNight

There are many things we could say about what might have been better. The point is, he chose to bunk. Not acceptable.

That's pretty much my tack, Hairy (though my taxi rates were cheaper).

'Got up too late? Well, I can drive you over, but I'll be missing useful working time, so it'll cost you £X' (or some extra housework/gardening/whatever).

I resorted to it after rather frequent phone calls for missing equipment, too: 'Your cookery stuff/PE kit? Yes, I can, but it'll cost you £10, so do you want to see if you can improvise?'

It takes the heat out of it when what you really want to say is 'Again?? When will you learn? Why didn't you get up when the alarm went off?'

There's still plenty of slack in the system for being nice on exam days, ill days and for totally unexpected brain malfunctions.

So, is cycling a possibility? (My DS's transport mode of choice as it maximises staying in bed time)

I love all the 'he always gets the bus' and 'he should always get himself up' posts. OP hasn't said anywhere what their usual routine is. She's said he has got to the bus in 20 mins before. She's also said she's driven him before. There's no indication of which happens most often.

IMO a 12 year old can and should be responsible for getting themselves up on time but I think if you're up you should notice when he hasn't managed that and chivvy him along. A 12 year old can and should get themselves from home to school on public transport but if you can see that they've messed up and won't make it to the bus then I think you should have juggled things to drive him there and let him accept whatever consequences for being late.

I would definitely punish the bunking off school because for me that's just not acceptable at all but other than that I think you need to examine your own part in this. He doesn't need to be the number one focus in the mornings fair enough but that shouldn't mean he doesn't enter your head at all until 20 mins before the bus leaves!

You really dug your heels in and were determined to win, there's a real sense of that will teach you when actually an hour walk before a day of school was obviously going to piss him off and cause bad feeling. You don't suggest this is a regular issue with him so I don't think the punishment fit the crime. All very well to say he can do an hours walk but I bet most of us wouldn't much fancy it either! You could have cut him some slack and as the adult should have de-escalated the situation rather than lock him out and "hope" he'd take what amounted to a punishment for sleeping late.

Some of you seem to have forgotten that he not expected to walk for 60mins every day. If there was no bus I would give him a lift.
I am guilty of leaving him to it too often, the baby demands my attention and I don't do enough to share it. Add to that DS is 6ft2 and we've always been guilty of treating him as though he's older than he is.
I don't despise him but I do sometimes despise his behaviour. I find the lying especially extremely frustrating. It's almost like being ghosted, he's so convincing.

I’m sorry is this the norm? I was expected to get myself up, feed, wash, prepare my own lunch and get myself to school from the age of 12, which involved a 10-15 minute walk to the train (or a lift if dad was going in late that day), a 30 minute train ride and a 5-10 minute walk on the other end (my friends and I used to organise to meet on a specific train).

My parents both worked and if I or my brother or sisters acted like we didn’t know how to get up dad would just pour a glass of water on us.

Bunked off school? Get a detention and suck it up- then you lose your Friday afternoon while your friends are all heading off to each other’s houses or going to the movies or whatever had been organised.

If that isn’t the norm I have no idea what’s going to happen when my girls meet that age and I will expect them to be self sufficient at daily routine tasks...

Has there been a lot of change in his life recently? You mention moving, and you have a 1 year old? Could he be feeling overwhelmed and depressed? Does he get any one on one time with you and his dad?

So you left him in the garage as you thought for three hours rather than going back and making him go to school?
Is the house move fairly recent? I wonder if he's finding all this travelling difficult and rebelling because he didn't choose to move house.

If I was your neighbour and saw that you'd left your child locked outside all day without a care I'd be reporting you.

Your poor son, being neglected in favour of your younger children

I think rereading this OP I think you come across as unweiding and unfair. He didn't refuse to get up or go into school, in fact he was honest and thought he wouldn't make the bus on time and wanted a lift.
It sounds like you got very stressed and refused, and the expectation for him to walk for an hour is unreasonable.
You then locked your child out of the house and went to work not knowing where he was and not facilitating him getting to school.
It all sounds rather unfair and unkind - how do you feel about it now?
What do the school think about it all?

I think rereading this OP I think you come across as unweiding and unfair. He didn't refuse to get up or go into school, in fact he was honest and thought he wouldn't make the bus on time and wanted a lift.
It sounds like you got very stressed and refused, and the expectation for him to walk for an hour is unreasonable.
You then locked your child out of the house and went to work not knowing where he was and not facilitating him getting to school.
It all sounds rather unfair and unkind - how do you feel about it now?
What do the school think about it all?

He cycled once. He cycled it back the following day because it was too much hard work.
In answer to one pp I don't expect a card and flowers to show appreciation for ferrying him around but when, as yesterday, my DH doesn't get to sit down till 9.30pm (having got up at 5am for work) because he's driving 90 mins to collect DS I do expect a thanks or just not treating us with contempt.

I think this is really interesting as I have a 12 year old DS and also have a lot of problems getting him to school. He school refuses about once a month. I can see him refusing on an off day he if missed the bus. I think I understand why you took such a tough line - an hour’s walk is a lot for a 12 year old and locking him out is hardcore but i do wonder if you need to find out what else if going on. My DS has “lagging” issues so struggles to make the right decision (like going to school) if he is stressed about something eg exams. (I’m also sneakily impressed he had the initiative to climb back into your house). I’m a single mum and while I do interrupt my working day (I work from home) to take him in on days like this, I have had one day where he didn’t go at all as he point blank refused. I now try and problem solve with him rather than focusing on the not going to school behaviour as that’s usually the symptom not the cause.

I think the Op has had a total kicking here for doing the right thing.
I have large age gaps with mine so when the eldest were 11 and 13 the youngest were 1 and 4. The older ones are expected to just get on with it in the mornings. We woke as a household at 6 to make sure we had enough time to get ready. The older ones would leave between 7 and 10 past but never together. Sometimes they would meet up with mates and walk to hour to school just for fun. (Never a punishment)
If they were late they were expected to get ready and leave the house as fast as possible and still make their own way to school. I would be leaving myself with the younger ones at 8 to walk to the primary school. A lift was never on the cards no matter what the circumstances.

They left the house together and she locked up and sent him on his way to school while she took the younger ones.

He returned and broke into the home! How is any of this her fault.
A punishment is definitely needed here.

But Captain you admit that you leave him to it too often, that you have a tendency to treat him like he's older and that your attention is taken by younger dc. Combine that with the hours walk as a punishment for oversleeping by 10 or 15 mins and you can kind of see why a 12 year old kid might go for telling lies to avoid your disappointment or irritation or whatever punishment you might dish out for his transgressions!

Letting him get away with it at this point? No chance

Where did I say he should get away with it?

He was an immature, grumpy 12yo and behaved childishly - of course there should be consequences, both for his attitude and for bunking off school. But that doesn't mean the OP did the right thing in not getting him up in the first place, or in not checking up on him all day when she knew he never turned up to school.