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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

544 replies

ustbxh · 04/06/2019 11:17

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 14:44

@Xiaoxiong yes, I only said the "it's your job" thing when she questioned why I didn't do it.

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 04/06/2019 14:46

Get your kids out of nursery and take them on holiday with you, you micro aggressive whining weasel.

whywhywhy6 · 04/06/2019 14:48

It’s her job. If looking after the children or arranging for them to be looked after isn’t within the remit if a SAHM then I don’t know what is.

She stuffed up. We all stuff up sometimes. Meh.

And I hope the time away does you both some good.

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 14:50

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Yes, the monetary thing is always complex, although my wife has significant financial freedom so I doubt that's a concern for her. She has a lot more disposable income than me :)

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 04/06/2019 14:50

I totally accept I should have said it differently or not at all, and I did apologise for that very quickly.

No.
If my DH had said he would do something like this, then forgot, I would say to him "you should have done it 2 weeks ago when you said", and so would every woman on this thread.
There's nothing passive aggressive about that.
This forum is full of women fuming because their DHs didn't do something they said they would.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/06/2019 14:54

Using the phrase "husband bashing" is unhelpful and very unfair to the majority of posters on this thread who were trying to answer your question. You asked for opinions and you are getting them. Some of them maybe blunt but on the whole it's honest opinions about responsibility for childcare. I don't think people are particularly setting out to offend you. They just dont see it the same way as you - which is why you are not often getting the yes/no answers you hoped for and maybe it might be worth re reading without taking offence and trying to understand it as a different point of view on your situation and think about whether you want to be right or you want to make progress in this situation. I think it is unhelpful to talk about whose "job" it is, to see it in terms of employment. I do this so you must do that.
Maybe that is not how you see it, but that is how it comes across.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 04/06/2019 14:57

How does she have income if she doesn’t work? A trust fund?

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 04/06/2019 14:58

There are issues around planning and being prepared for certain things.

Wow.Shock

Notabedofroses · 04/06/2019 15:02

Op you have said your wife works very hard, is a great mother and a good organiser most of the time. Why do you need mediation then?
What more do you expect from her?
It sounds like she is seriously pulling her weight at home ( I wouldn’t be doing DIY!) You are telling us she is great in one breath, but then you mention the anger, the arguments and the need for couples counselling.

What isn’t working? What is making you angry?

What is at the root of all this unspoken emotion?

Lack of sex, intimacy? Affection? Friendship.

Xiaoxiong · 04/06/2019 15:02

"oh shit there are no places left" [admission of fuckup]
"you should have done that weeks ago" [blame]
"well you could have done it" [defensive, reacting to blame]
"why should I, it's your job" [blame]

How it should have gone:
"oh shit there are no places left"
"oh bugger, wait a sec, I'll ring my mum" [suggest solution]
rings mum
"no worries all sorted"

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 04/06/2019 15:06

What Xiaoxiong said.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/06/2019 15:07

Time to stop dismissing your children's needs as 'wifework', the source of your annoyance- less time spent bitching online about your wife might help with this.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2019 15:12

She might have mentioned it a few times beforehand to see if you would pick up on there being an outstanding task for the holiday and do it. Because in any good couple team there are two brains working, which means there is back up for outstanding tasks.

RomanyQueen · 04/06/2019 15:16

We are always told on here that sahm is not a job. There's your answer it's not her job to do anything. Grin sahm is not a job, it isn't work apparently.

Ginseng1 · 04/06/2019 15:21

Agree with Xiaoxiong. She forgot to book a half day but your mam was able to cover. What's the big deal. Go on holiday n try to be nice to each other! Even when I was home full time & did most of the house n child stuff I would not appreciate being told 'my job' you are not her employer!

Jaxhog · 04/06/2019 15:24

she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

Regardless of who we may or may not think is primarily responsible for the children, she agreed to arrange it and then didn't. So YANBU.

(But I do think a SAHM does have primary reponsibility for the home and kids. It's her job. Or is being 'a kept woman' still a thing?)

CurtainsOpen · 04/06/2019 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

herculepoirot2 · 04/06/2019 15:34

The answer is probably yes, she should have done it. But you are making a massive deal out of what sounds like the least of the problems in this relationship.

GraceSlicksRabbit · 04/06/2019 15:34

Stop troll hunting Curtains. It’s hardly unusual for a couple who have discussed divorce to decide to go on holiday to see if they can work things out.

Original poster
ustbxh · 04/06/2019 15:35

@CurtainsOpen

I wish it was fictional.

So she told me we were separated about 2 months ago, refuses to engage in conversation about the future. Separate bedrooms. We've had this trip booked since September. She was adamant she wasn't going until 2 weeks ago. Currently the only difference to our live pre and post "separation" is that we sleep in separate bedrooms. We still spend weekends together with the kids, we still eat together, I still cook dinner on a weekend (when I'm home) we still occasionally watch TV together, but never used to much anyway.

I'm so unbelievably confused as to what my "status" is for but I can sadly assurtyou that it's not fictional.

OP posts:
pearses · 04/06/2019 15:35

@deydododatdodontdeydo Couples in happy marriages tend to be more supportive of a one off mistake.

"you should have done it 2 weeks ago when you said"

Do you find that helps the situation?

LillithsFamiliar · 04/06/2019 15:41

You're going on holiday but prioritising spending time on MN to discuss whether you were correct to call it your DW's job. I can see why you have issues in your relationship.
Fwiw, I don't think it is your DW's job. She manages regular childcare. This was a special requirement for a holiday which you both decided to take. As such, I'd say it was a joint responsibility.
As for telling my DP what their 'job' was and how they should do it better (which you did by saying she should have done it 2 weeks ago- even though it took less than 5 minutes to resolve) it's very very mean-spirited. I'd be reconsidering going on holiday with you tbh. Your comments and your involvement on this thread show a degree of pettiness and point scoring that doesn't bode well for the holiday.

Notabedofroses · 04/06/2019 15:49

So you are separated but still living in the same house right?

Somehow you still expect her to be doing wife duties? Playing out the role you have set out for her.

Jesus Christ.

The marriage has totally broken down, is the holiday an attempt to get the marriage back on track? And if it is, why are you picking at her and blaming her for something so small given the dismal state of your marriage???

You have so much to lose. Your hose, children, wife and life style, and yet all you can speak of is a messed up nursery request.

It’s not difficult to see why your marriage is in deep, deep trouble op, you are coming across as very critical, entitled and overbearing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2019 15:58

I'm fairly sure you aren't actually listening as you've decided MN is a place of horrible, husband-hating women.

Just in case you're still taking things in... the issue isn't so much your roles as your tone. Your tone implies that not only is it her job, but you are her manager. Relationships aren't about defining roles properly as much as they are about emotion. I think what actually happened is she messed up a bit, feels silly and you 'casually' bullshit pull her up on it. It smacks of winning points. Then you have a little giggle about it. I'd be murderous. No wonder she's fighting. She might be wrong in terms of your respective roles but that's not what she's fighting about.

FWIW my DH used to come home when I was supposed to be in charge and sometimes the place looked like barbarian hordes had just left, salting the earth as they went. He would say, "bad day?" roll his sleeves up, take DD and pitch in. If he had 'casually' mentioned that it was my job to clear up, he'd be divorced right now.

Would you rather be right, or have a good holiday with her? You can always 'win' or be happy but not both.

DPotter · 04/06/2019 16:00

Why is the OP being called out for spending time on here, when he 'could be talking to' his wife ? Can't re-call a wife being told that, when she has requested feedback on whether she is being un-reasonable? MN is a venue for parents (usually mothers, but not exclusively) to ask for advice, support and re-assurance. The man is asking for advice - let's not begrudge him and get all sniffy about it