It’s not her job because being a SAHP is not a job. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on the word job. I’ve had ridiculously stressful jobs in my time and they were a bloody spa break compared to my experience of being a parent.
(In fairness, we have twins with disabilities and no family support so not everyone will have quite so much going on).
Being the main carer to a child / children is nothing like a job. You’re thinking of it in terms of tasks, like in your own job, and that you cook dinner, take the kids out etc, but what you’re forgetting is mental load that comes with taking on most of the responsibility for two children. It’s not the constant wrangling and running around that exhausts me, it’s the mental load, the sheer volume of things I have to keep in my head, manage to remember to do.
For example:
- What size clothes are the kids in? They need some new trousers and the only place I’m going to is tesco, but they take a different size there, what size are they again?
- they also need shoes - can only get those from Asda, what size were the last ones?
- need to go and look round three schools next week - call to book appointments, make sure that doesn’t clash with the 800 other appointments, make sure DH can take care of the boys, remind him to tell his boss
- the boys need swimming stuff - what do they need? Did you know there’s about fifty different possible combination of disposable swim nappies and reusables and wraps and liners, rash vests, swim suits, floats, vests, jackets etc?
- They are both seeing their paediatrician on Friday - just remembered I need to call up for some forms, fill those in (referencing other information) and remember to take them
- Just had meetings at nursery yesterday for which I had to prepare a load of information, and as a result of that two more meetings have been scheduled
- Applied for DLA for one of the twins, still heard nothing so need to chase that up
- need to sort out the two years worth of kids clothes and toys that have been stuffed into the loft
- need to go through their clothes and weed out the stuff they’ve outgrown again
- ophthalmology appointment hasn’t shown up so need to chase that
- have to start the EHCP process for both boys - dreading this
- oh crap, forgot to order medications after I had to cancel (for the second time) a GP appointment for me because the boys needed something doing instead - they won’t take requests over the phone so I need to fill in a form and post it
- did the nursery run out of nappies? What about wipes? Wait, where’s DT1’s bag gone?
This is just the first things on the top of my head. They’ll be different to all parents but each time I think of one thing I need to do, five more jump into my head, I get overwhelmed and panic. It’s bloody exhausting.
If my DH ever pulled the whole “it’s your job” line on me when I dropped a ball, he’d be my ex husband. He’s not perfect and drives me insane sometimes but generally he would never speak to me like that, ever, because he knows I am absolutely drowning as it is. He will offer to take whole tasks off my hands (he’s currently dealing with remortgaging so I don’t have to think about it at all) but the default position that things relating to the kids is the mother’s responsibility is not conducive to a happy relationship. This sort of seemingly easy, isolated task (making one call unrelated to anything else and it being sorted in 30 seconds) is exactly the sort of thing that can improve relations.
You also sound like you think you’re doing her a favour by a) letting her not work (when she’s saving you money in childcare and giving your kids a parent who’s always present, and b) sharing the parenting load. If that’s not how you feel then you might need to think about how you’re coming across.
The fact that you were able to sort out her mistake with a quick call demonstrates that the blaming and unpleasantness was unnecessary.
Maybe on this holiday you can ask her to be very honest about how she feels about the division of duties in your relationship. You may not like the answer, however.
And again, I’m guessing you booked the trip since she didn’t want to go, but other than that:
- who did the laundry?
- who did the packing?
- who figured out what the boys would need for a week, think through all the eventualities, pack their stuff?
And so on...