AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

You’re being a bit over-dramatic with the “kangaroo court” stuff! People have strong opinions on here and express them forcefully. You’ve got answers going both ways. With the greatest of respect, you’ve started a thread here, you may have had honourable intentions by doing so but you’re now feeling put upon and attacked by a bunch of anonymous women and that will be affecting your mood as you embark on this marriage-saving trip. It is the last thing you need. Just put down MN and forget about it all. Good luck.

@flumpybear

Yip totally.

Despite what people think of me here :) I'm very supportive when I'm at home. My 3yo goes to nursery 1.5days/week. I have often taken my 3yo with me on school run and just let her sleep and then started work late (I have the luxury of being able to manage my own hours a lot). So I totally understand SAHM needing space. I often take kids out myself, she goes to the gym or whatever.

@LagunaBubbles most people seem to be saying it was her fault - there is just no need for an argument over it.

It's not a big deal but pressing it like this is making it more than it needs to be.

The holiday away might help you both relax a bit and reconnect.

Instead of saying "It's your job" which is guaranteed to put anyone's back up, saying "I am sorry, I thought you would book it as you usually handle the nursery. I should have asked a week ago." would be conciliatory and share the blame. Then it gives her the opportunity to say "I know, I am sorry, I completely forgot." (or to not say this). In fact it's not too late for you to say something like this now. Have a nice holiday.

I’m a stay at home parent, have been for 4 yrs and will do for another 2 yrs all being well. Monday to Friday I run the house. This includes all childcare responsibilities, both provided by myself and nursery. So I get extra sessions when I need them and do all the ‘homework’ style tasks and attend all the concerts. I do all food shopping, I do all laundry, cleaning etc. Make dinner every night and do his packed lunch. My husband works long hours and looks after our money. So he pays the cost of the hours our children attend nursery. He also sorts out the bills.
I’d definitely consider this part of my role and therefore I agree with the OP. I’d be kicking myself if I’d left it too late to get the extra hours we wanted. I’d actually apologise for this.

@GraceSlicksRabbit

Probably right! I guess the kangaroo court was more about how I obviously expect her to do everything and I don't contribute at all because I earn the money etc etc etc. And that's simply not how our marriage and family works.

@SarahAndQuack

You're right. Feeling slightly defensive right now!

Except, AlexaAmbidextra, I have never seen a female WOHP declare that childcare responsibilities have been entirely, inarguably delegated to their partner (or anyone else). Daily care within specific timeframes, yes, or with particular duties or tasks, short or long-term, but never this wholesale 'well, that's a childcare issue, so it's nothing to do with me' dissociation.

Assuming that the other parent will automatically take care of every child-related detail, including arranging their schedule when you're on holiday, isn't fair. You're both parents, regardless of who works outside the home. Responsibilities need to be discussed then divided as seems fair and functional.

I doubt we're ever going to see many posts on here from female WOHPs saying their holiday's booked for this week but they never confirmed that full childcare was in place because it's not their job.

Step away. It does not matter a jot what a bunch of strangers on the Internet think of you.

I was a SAHM for many years. Yes, I would usually have arranged extra nursery or preschool hours if needed because I was the one who did 99.99% of all of the drop offs and pickups due to DH's work hours.

That doesn't mean that I would have appreciated being told that all childcare related issues were "my job" though. DH was and is the other parent. Yes, he has occasionally needed reminding that they are his children too, but he has always stepped up.

DH often did help organise childcare when the DDs were very young because his parents were much more willing to provide it than mine, although neither set were regularly asked.

And YY to MusterMark. I don't dispute that it makes more practical sense for the parent who regularly deals with nursery to speak to them on this point. It's the assumption that they will and the 'it's your job' antagonism that makes a big problem.

(I don't tend to shout but my tone / attitude can be an issue when she gets angry) and a nice neutral environment would be lovely. you might find that when the light is shone on your behaviour it’s not quite as great as you think. People “get angry” when being reasonable makes no difference. When they feel judged or unheard. When they are backed into a corner. Your wife sounds really unhappy.

If you're really trying to save your marriage, instead of attempting to gather a group of women to agree that your wife's a moron so you can show her this thread with a triumphant flourish why don't you get in there and show some empathy and caring? Some appreciation for her 24/7 job?

She sounds like she's fed up with you. I mean, I'm a little fed up and my only dealing with you is reading this thread. My guess: she's tearing her hair out.

I also don't believe especially that she 'forgot' are you sure she is happy leaving your young children for a whole week? I wonder if they are fully booked is a convenient excuse not to go.

And yes whilst she is effectively working at home of course be it completely unpaid, you do have joint responsibility for the children, she does not work 247 365 days a year, in the same way that you don't. She is entitled to breaks, to help and for you to be also contributing to your home life.

I don't think you are BU, I also think she is not BU either. It was either a genuine mistake or it wasn't, either way these things happen. You would be advised to also acknowledge the things that she is doing well, it can be a bloody thankless job op, and for a happy marriage you need to appreciate her efforts.

Why is your marriage in trouble op? What are the issues really at the heart of this?

Squabbling over who did or didn't book the nursery certainly isn't the problem, more of a reflection of a deeper issue?

Do you feel she has failed again in some way? The tone of your post suggests you feel she has messed up again, almost like she always does or something. Is she unreliable? What is the problem?

Because if this happened here, in my home, we would work together on a solution, and I certainly wouldn't be expecting accusations like this. I would be absolutely so pissed off to be told it was 'my job' whatever you were referring to. It smacks of expectation and entitlement.

If the nursery usually have spaces then why wouldn’t she think they would? Sounds like life went wrong and you decided to make it harder.

Cut her some slack, she was probably busy filing the family photos and researching purchases on the internet.

life went wrong and you decided to make it harder.

Except she was the one that complained that he could have done it, after she forgot. She immediately passed the buck to cover her mistake. I've worked with people like that, it's draining.

@Notabedofroses

I don't know if I'm really honest. That's why I want to go to mediation or something.

My wife is a great mother and is very much not a lazy mother who lunches with her friends all day etc, she works her arse off at home doing everything from gardening and DIY etc. There are issues around planning and being prepared for certain things. Ask her to plan a holiday and it'll be planned perfectly (let's ignore this current issue for now).

We never argued about who should or shouldn't book it. In fact she discussed it on Sunday that "she still hadn't done it" so her coming back today saying there was a problem really wasn't a surprise and all I said was "you should have done it 2 weeks ago when we agreed to go". I totally accept I should have said it differently or not at all, and I did apologise for that very quickly. Again, my only point of this thread though was to discuss if such a task is reasonable to be part of a SAHM job!

Genuinely wish I'd not asked because it seems to have turned into a husband bashing session.

Thankyou.
I think part of the problem is that the initial post came across as wanting a sort of poll of SAHMs on just one issue- xx per cent think YANBU and xx percent YABU..and I think at the outset that what you would have liked to see was a straightforward reply saying yes, on the whole SAHMs think it is reasonable to do childcare, which would have proved that people agreed with you.

But as you can see most people will look beyond and around it when replying. Whether it was a reasonable question in the first place for example. Why DW might have responded in that way? moving onto issues about whose job is it etc..
This is a challenge for all parents, particularly with such young children and so you are getting views based on what many people have gone through themselves and that is not as simple as it's unreasonable/not unreasonable.
Add to that, that it's quite comment for SAHMs to feel their contribution is undervalued because there's no immediate monetary value attached. And when it became clear that its not a frequent thing for DW to drop the ball on such things and that the childcare gap was easily filled - people stopped focusing on your original question which appeared to be a yes or no.. and commenting on underlying issues instead.
Perhaps people felt that without looking at the underlying issues , giving an answer on the orginial question was not as easy or as useful as it initially appeared. And also perhaps explains your DWs response.
I think getting responses which say that you are right/wrong on the original question won't really help you much in this situation. So when I said you sounded resentful.. I thought that might have been how it came across to your wife. ie "I do all this.. the least you could do is that?" When its a division of work/childcare/joint responsibilities - its usually the case that both partners feel an element of that. And the nursery slip up is probably only an example of a general feeling of that. Talking about it without blame/resentment is probably one path to resolving this and if necessary with an intermediary.

*common not comment

Genuinely wish I'd not asked because it seems to have turned into a husband bashing session.

So just log off!

Honestly, block MN and stop picking at your wound. I speak from experience.

Whoever actually goes to the Nursery for pick up and drop offs is the one who should have done it.

Cos they're literally right there to mention it. They don't even have to pick up the phone!

Everything else is just irrelevant. If you're literally standing in the Nursery every single time the child goes, then it's on you.

I never once blamed her or every critiqued her for the mistake.

But you did, don't you see? Your "casual" questioning of why she didn't do it weeks ago and saying it was "her job" was blaming and criticising her. You effectively said, you didn't do your job, so this is your fault.

I said upthread, yes she dropped the ball, she should have done it. But you keep saying that you didn't blame her, but you most certainly did and I'm not surprised that she was upset and defensive about that.

No Yanbu.....I would've thought that would be organised by the sahm who does pick ups and drop offs.