AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

Look OP, I'm a SAHM. Dealing with nursery is part of my 'job', yes. But this is how the discussion would have gone down in my house - me: "Crap, I forgot to book child into nursery for the extra half day, and now they're full." Husband "Bugger. Never mind, I'll call mum, she'll be able to cover it". And that would be it. No recriminations, no blaming, no suggesting it should have been done earlier or that it was anyone's 'job'. It was just a silly mistake that can be rectified. The whole conversation - and you posting on here to find out who was in the right - is a reflection of where your relationship is currently at.

You sound belligerent. Jesus Christ, does it matter?

Why does it matter? . Do you really sit there apportioning blame/responsibility/planning to each other so you can say “well it was your job”

Honestly it sounds awful. Let each other go.

given she messed it up she wanted to be able to pass the blame somewhere and I only wanted to find out if I really was being unreasonable.

So what are you going to do with the information you've garnered from here?

@Safiya7

I'd love to. Been trying to convince her to go for months. I think it'd do us wonders. We both have issues which we struggle to raise with each other in rational ways and therapy / mediation would be a great environment to be able to talk without it descending into a shouting match or her storming off (I don't tend to shout but my tone / attitude can be an issue when she gets angry) and a nice neutral environment would be lovely.

“ I wanted advice on the general opinion of if I was being unreasonable for suggesting that arranging additional childcsre at his nursery fell into her role as a SAHM.”

This question can’t be answered by a group of strangers. There’s no handbook of rules for being an at-home parent. Each family has to work out what is reasonable for them, based on their own circumstances, experiences, and expectations. There’s no objective “reasonable” in this situation. It sounds like your wife feels YABU so you need to start there. Telling her that 100 randoms on the internet think you are right is meaningless.

You are both going on holiday. You both choose to go without your DC. You are are both parents. But it's only her responsibility to organise childcare? I think that is unreasonable unless you have spoke about it and she said she would do it. If you have just assumed she will do it and she assumed you would do it then you are both to blame. She takes care of the house and kids to support your career. You work to support the house. It's a partnership to which you are both contributing. A holiday away requires organisation for you both....just because you work outside the home doesn't mean you can wash your hands of anything child related. You are being unreasonable. Tell her you love her and help sort a childcare solution together. Dont point the finger of blame. Being a stay at home mum isn't a wall in the park.

So what are you going to do with the information you've garnered from here?

I was actually expecting a much clearer cut "yip, you're unreasonable, no SAHM do this, go apologise" and I would, however its seemed to have descended into something far deeper about blame and that's not what this was about. I don't blame her for not doing it earlier.

I just had an issue she didn't think it was her job to do it as a SAHM.

If I'd been clearly wrong then that's fine and I'll live and learn, but it seems that it's a lot more complex than that.

Mumsnet never disappoints. The usual pile-on because the poster is a man and so many posters performing mental gymnastics in a desperate attempt to make everything his fault. I’m just surprised nobody has posted ‘the list’ of SAHM tasks, you know, the one that includes researching the internet for bargains and buying birthday presents. 🙄

Imagine being her coming out and realising she had kinda fucked up and left it late. The hope would be some support and bit of team work to sort it. Instead you took a bite and she bit back.

Yours was a horrible wee passive aggressive comment made to make her feel bad. Those kinda wee bites at each other are toxic. Her comment was probably all she could think of to hit back with but instead of letting it go you are following it up to prove how wrong she is.

She, more than likely, knows it is normally her responsibility, but the context of the argument is more important than what was actually said. there was no need for your comment that she "should have done it".

I'm not saying it's all you, I've no idea how the rest of the relationship is, but that one interaction was a chance to show teamwork and support.

YNBU - about it being her role
YABU - to keep pressing this point

(in my opinion)

To me it's not so much the SAHM bit, it's a question of "who is at the nursery for drop off/pick up?". I would expect whoever is actually at the nurs Ray to speak to them to arrange extra sessions. The SAHM bit is actually irrelevant as a previous poster said.

Mate, you’ve said that your relationship is in serious trouble, you are in the brink of divorce. You are fixated on a Mumsnet referendum as to whether arranging childcare is within the job description of SAHM, because she snapped and said it was your job too.

You had an argument. She said a thing. She probably didn’t really say it because she believed it, she was probably annoyed with herself and blurted it out. YOU GATHERING EVIDENCE ABOUT WHICH ONE OF YOU WAS RIGHT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

Your issues are not about this particular difference of opinion. However your response to it is probably symptomatic of the deeper problems in your relationship.

Let it go and work on your marriage (without input from internet strangers) while you are away. Good luck.

Yeah, get some couples counselling from someone well qualified.

YANBU - her usual role is to take care of the children, so it's up to her to have covered that role if she's doing something else.

I'm also a SAHM and I expect to organise these things when it's my time - however, if DH is supposed to be doing something with the DC at the weekend, or parenting them while I have something else going on, and he decides HE wants some time off, then it becomes HIS responsibility as it has previously been arranged that he will take care of them.

In your case, your DW should have organised the care.

""Compared to my other posts on here, I've seen a much darker, less supportive, more vindictive side of MN today."""

Wow. What a response! I hope you are not accusing me of either of those things!! I've gone back and read my posts. I can't see anything dark or vindictive in what I said.

I was genuinely trying to look at why your DM might have reacted to your comments about her duties.

@GraceSlicksRabbit

Absolutely right. Wouldn't be an issue if the relationship didn't have issues.

The only reason I wanted "evidence" as you put it is because I genuinely thought maybe I'm totally wrong here and maybe it is unreasonable for me to expect a SAHM to be responsible for the child care. This was more about self learning and less about being right or wrong. I wanted to use this info to better myself not win an argument but sadlti feel like it's a kangaroo court and I'm fighting for my life!

*Typo DW

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

I'm very very sorry. That was not directed at you in the slightest. I had meant that as a totally different part of the post and really should have been a separate post.

Wish blokes would just fuck off from here with their bullshit tbh

So many people here trying to find something, anything to make out everything is OPs fault because he's a man, very predictable.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Totally agree. Occasionally work comes up and I need to travel on a Sunday and if my wife has already arranged something I either refuse to travel for work (fine balance between company taking the pi$$ with last minute travel and me keeping my job) or I arrange child care. I never ever expect her to change her plans.

I'm inclined to agree with you OP.

We agreed our son should try nursery. My partner was out for work 8am-6pm so I sorted the viewings, paperwork, etc. This was all for our 2 year old whilst heavily pregnant. Why? Because my partner was in work and I was on maternity leave so had more flexibility. Yes my partner could've done it but I had finished work so made more sense for me to do it.

OP has stated kids are 3 & 6. The eldest is in school and I presume the 3yo is in preschool some days so OPs wife has far more free time than OP. And before anyone says about cooking, cleaning, etc, unless there's SN or a massive drip feed, I can't see why she can't do it all in a few hours per week while also entertaining a 3 year old.

Step back a little from the situation. Perhaps set some boundaries on who does what in the relationship

I'm with you, if you're working it's easier for at SAHP to ring the nursery or at drop off or pick up mention that the hours need extending for this date

However if you've been having a few problems, perhaps don't make things worse, maybe use it to sit and discuss who has what responsibility - if you deep down think it through are you happy with your wife, with external Pressures out if the equation?

I say this because my DH and I have been through shit and dark times too, kids are 10&7 now but times were difficult, I was working full time and him too but on shifts and it's so hard and so tiring -BUT all those shitty quarrels we had about me needing a lay in or at least go back to bed in the day time at weekends etc when he always seemed to throw the 'you don't know how it feels to work nights' at me - actually we love each other dearly and it was time to sit and readjust our loves, which we did and now we both work normal hours and share stuff too (we still argue but that's marriage lol!)

So perhaps don't just tell her it's her fault, get a solution to that problem, and adjust your lives and your responsibilities so everyone knows where they stand

Hope it goes well

It's her job to sort nursery AND your job to smile when she doesn't.

If you want to stay married, that is.

You're getting a hard time, OP. People bicker every day over these tiny things, don't dwell, enjoy the hol.

Sorry, but you are starting to sound like one of those posters who fondly imagines that if they talk about how unfussed they are with their partner's actions, they will sound straightforward and decent. Add to that the claims you laughed at this and you found that funny ... you just sound as if you're trying too hard to convince us you're really nice.

But it's not about 'nice,' is it?

You could get a resounding YABU or YANBU from us, and it wouldn't do anything at all to solve the fact that you and your wife had what we all agree is a tiny and trivial problem, but it's blown out of all proportion.

I do get that tiny problems become huge when you are having relationship issues. But because we're not in your relationship, we can't really help beyond pointing out that this is clearly a much bigger deal than the surface question about childcare.