AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

There are far too many people on here who want to claim being a SAHM is so much harder than working. That may be true,
Then it’s a statement of fact not a claim isn’t it?

the fact its harder is absolutely irrelevant
says the man doing the easier day!

So then to complain that it's easier to go to work is a fallacy because you don't do it because it's easier or harder you do it because it's better. so basically you feel your wife should shoulder the harder load but never voice it because it’s what you think is the best option for your children???

And you don’t understand why she isn’t happy?

@Scardanelli

Thank you. Restored my faith that some SAHM do actually appreciate what they have got and are able to give their children.

Restored my faith that some SAHM do actually appreciate what they have got and are able to give their children.

And now we see the crux.

awww were you feeling unappreciated ? Why didn’t you just say so? Well done OP you work and support your family.

I'm on mat leave at the moment and so technically a SAHM and I think YABU to assume it was her job. I think assuming it is her job to keep the kids alive and fed when you're at work is reasonable. That would fall under as her job as a sahm. But arranging ad hoc childcare for a holiday doesn't automatically fall into her lap just because it's vaguely connected to her day job. Just like I work in an office where sometimes people ask me to do things for them because it's vaguely connected to what I do day to day - such as photocopying extra things, printing extra things off, help do something on their computer. I do all those tasks daily as part of my job but doesn't mean I then have to do all the other ad hoc tasks people have asked of me. You could argue even that helping others overall helps the company I work for. Just like your wife arranging the extra child care helps herself and the family overall. But in my mind there is a line between my actual day job tasks and tasks that fall outside that boundary which I COULD help with if I so choose, but it is not my formal responsibility.

Another example is that the weekly grocery shop tends to fall into my remit as I do it during the day when my DH is at work. But if he text me to run out to pick up something specific for him - even if it was a food item and so could fall under the 'grocery' remit - I wouldn't see that as my responsibility even though it is connected to my daily responsibility.

Ad hoc tasks aren't everyday and so until someone verbally agrees to do that task, nobody can be held solely responsible for that task being forgotten about later.

It's BOTH your holiday - there should have been at the very least a brief discussion about who was going to arrange the extra child care. Not assumed she'd do it.

I'd have taken offence if my husband had just 'assumed' I'd be doing that task and then got shirty with me when i told him I hadn't. It's his holiday and his kids too!

You said you look after your kids too - why didn't you talk to the nursery?

And your tone with her sounds rude and entitled. Adding to that your guys marriage is on thin ice - no wonder she took offence.

It definitely isn't "her job".

OP: I won't be replying any more on this thread
OP: replies approximately 150 times more.

HAHAHHAHSHUTUPHAHAHAHA

Apologies, I found your last post mildly irritating. You do sound like you are jealous of your wife and feel she got the cushy job in your relationship. I think you need to think about that and how you can feel better about your role.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis

I'm interested, are you a SAHM? You seem to have no appreciation of value.

There are two reasons my wife is a SAHM.

1. Because she wants to be
2. Because I'm willing to do a job I don't like and don't want to do to give our family what we've collectively agreed is the best.

I would absolutely love my wife to go to work full time so I could see the kids every day, put them to bed every night and spend time with them, but instead I sacrifice that so they can have a SAHM who is always there. Can pick them. Up from school at any time of the day when they are ill, can look after them when they are ill, can be with them all school holidays and don't need to ship the between grandparents or child minders.

I'm absolutely disgusted by the attitudes of some people on here. You're an utter disgrace to the majority of very appreciative and thankful SAHM who look at the fortunate situation they have and fully understand what it means to be able to give this to your child.

You're an utter disgrace to the majority of very appreciative and thankful SAHM who look at the fortunate situation they have and fully understand what it means to be able to give this to your child.

Waaaaa ha ha ha ha ha. Killing me.

She should of done it absolutelt. But you are going away no point falling out about it now and ruining the start of your holiday.

You're an utter disgrace to the majority of very appreciative and thankful SAHM
I feel so sorry for your wife.

Well that was enlightening.

I think a lot of women here have an awful lot of pent up anger that they aren't appreciated enough for being a SAHM and can't take a man questioning it.

The exact opposite. DH appreciates me staying at home, and he appreciates me working. That gives me very good radar for men that don't sound like he does.

OP, you have wasted a lot of time on this thread which could have been spent doing many other and more beneficial things.

The main reason I was never a SAHM was because I did not want to give up a job that I really did like, to be a family slave 24/7. For the record I am an old woman of nearly 60. There are plenty more options open to younger people these days.

You say that you would like your wife to work, so you could spend more time with the family. Talk to her about this and see if you can reach a better compromise. Being a breadwinner is hard, if it compromises family time.

Wow, came back on here to see you are still arguing this point. I think lots of people have pointed out to you that the way you talked to your wife was the problem here. Instead of wife saying ‘bugger, I asked for the extra half day childcare but nursery is full’. You maybe replying ‘ok, let me just check if my mum can do the extra half day’ you went on at her about ‘it being your job to organise this’.
To me it sounds like you just insist you are right. If you approach every disagreement at home with this insistence of being right it must be exhausting for both of you.
I don’t know what is going on with you both, you’re separated, you’re living together, you’re wanting a divorce, she isn’t. Surely the point of this holiday should be to reach a final decision. If she doesn’t want to be with you anymore you need to say you really need to start divorce proceedings. It can’t just rumble on like this with all the bad feelings under the surface can it?

You're an utter disgrace to the majority of very appreciative and thankful SAHM who look at the fortunate situation they have and fully understand what it means to be able to give this to your child.
Hahhaaalolrofl. If I’m ever a stay at home mum i will absolutely consider myself to be the one making the sacrifice for the benefit of my children.

A lot depends on the job. My DH has a good job with a short commute and good work-life balance. I work part-time but have a bad job (high stress, shifts on rota) with a long commute.

We work as a team and he organises childcare and life admin. He’s a gem! Some jobs are hard for some people and some are easier. The importance is empathy and understanding the other person (DH finds it harder than me to look after the kids alone).

It’s a bit odd that you didn’t say ‘are the children sorted’ that would be a big worry if I was going away. Perhaps she doesn’t want to go away with you and she has purposely not arranged it.

In general I feel your sympathy - but stuff like holiday planning doesn't fall into clearly anyone's job -unless its her job to deal with the nursery in general . My SAHP for example has all the babysitting contacts and generally arranges the babysitter- but I would still check.

There was a PP who asked sarcastically whether it was the SAHM's job to wash the OP's skiddy pants- bluntly yes- washing falls to SAHP and you don't get to pick and choose- its not that the SAHP is doing the WOHP a favour . I am fed up of this situation in my own life where I keep having to ask my partner to do the washing /check its clean/change the bed linen/clean the bathroom as if it a favour for me when its their job!! Part of the job is knowing what is needed and when.

For me- I'm with the OP on his analysis of value - it is convenient for me that I have a SAHP- BUT its not ahuge deal - if my partner was to get a full time job that meant that I could work less - that would be a lot more beneficial - they won't because they like the SAH life but won't admit it

jesus the lives people live- I can't imagine loving someone and saying to them "it is your job to wash my skiddy pants". more than 25 years married, mostly both working but slight variations but in no variation could I imagine saying to the person I loved "why don't you wash my skiddy pants, that is your job" So depressing. So glad I am not married to someone like this.

And what is with this SAHM should be appreciative and thankful?

OP - just leave it, as a man this was never going going to go down well, simply because your a man.

People want to know every minute detail, well whose looking after the children while your on holiday of course they fending for themselves and living in the 5 season luxury cardboard box come hail, rain or shine

Personally I think your wife’s attitude is cruel and astounding emotional blackmail tbh.

She can’t state she wants a divorce and then disengage completely out of the marriage as if nothing happened, nor her refusal to seek professional help is trying to save the marriage.

She simply can’t have her cake and eat it, yet expects you to tag along and fund her lifestyle, and if you challenge her behaviour your then abusive in some way toward her or your children when your questioning her actions.

If this was a woman posting this thread there would be hell to be had.

YANBU - in regards to your OP, she went on the defensive, natural, but she was in the wrong.

As for SAHP vs Working parents, being at work is a lot easier.

Everyone has differing opinions on this, but for me there is no comparison, housework and childcare is simply I found easy, and I had a child with complex needs.

I would absolutely love my wife to go to work full time of course you would 🙄 so I could see the kids every day, put them to bed every night and spend time with them, but instead I sacrifice that so they can have a SAHM who is always there. Can pick them. Up from school at any time of the day when they are ill, can look after them when they are ill, can be with them all school holidays and don't need to ship the between grandparents or child minders

I notice you don’t say that you’d love her to work full time so you can be a full time SAHD. Can’t imagine why. Maybe because deep down you do realise the sacrifice that this is for her, her career (if she had one), her identity. You have multiple kids, would you have been willing to take a 10 year career break to look after them, and deal with the resulting impact on your career and earning potential? The dismal take up of shared parental leave is quite telling.

I'm absolutely disgusted by the attitudes of some people on here. You're an utter disgrace to the majority of very appreciative and thankful SAHM who look at the fortunate situation they have and fully understand what it means to be able to give this to your child.
Appreciative and thankful? I don’t see much appreciation or thanks for your wife here. If this is even close to how you talk to her, I’m amazed she’s still there.

Deathgrip, have you even read the thread

he can’t be a full time SAHD dad as their finances wont allow it.

However what they can do to enable OP to be at home more, would be for OP to get a job closer to home and his wife get a job to contribute financially to the household, in order for him to see the kids everyday, and put them to bed every night etc...

I don’t see the OPs wife appreciating her husband either!!!

Your on a hiding to nothing OP. This is AIBU and you need to know certain important 'constants'

1. You are Male. Therefore will always be 'unreasonable' . MN is populated by a huge section of misandrist women - amongst the reasonable non- projecting ones- so you could be getting up at 5 am cooking a full English for all the kids and wife, working a 50 hr week with a daily 2 hr commute , organise and pay for all the bills and childcare, cook supper and put the kids to bed while your wive watches tv all day.. and you would STILL be a sexist selfish arsehole..

1. SAHM - you are b.u to expect her to do anything. ! She will either be 'forced' to do it by you and your desire for a 1950s housewife to 'pick up your skivvies' OR 'choose' to do it and 'never have a moment to herself . This is because she spends 555 hrs a week 'running around after children' that the very suggestion that the home worker do any form of work in the home - is utterly ridiculous. ! How very dare you ?

Personally , I would have loved to have remained at home with them when they were little. Sadly it was never something we could afford. So I had to return after 6 months maternity after each one.

.. and I can tell you now. WOTH is NOT the 'same' as SAHM unless your work lets you spend the day in your jimjams. Have a cuppa when you fancy it , pop out for lunch/coffee when ever you wish and sneak off for a nap during down time.. ? Sorting out a bit of childcare is and setting up some direct debits is not the equivalent of running a departmental audit. Browsing the web to book a family holiday is not the same as spending 8 hrs on data input.. doing the family shop does not compare to order picking against the clock. The whole argument that it's 'harder' - is just bollocks. It's longer , for sure but there is more than enough down time to compensate.

The OP wife is at the nursery 4 x weekly (drop off and collection for the 1.5days) for when the child is in nursery so she could have spoken to the nursery at any point during this, also it was the OPs wife who decided to want to go at last minute.

She is the on one responsible!