AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

@herculepoirot2

Absolutely right. Which is why I want to go to therapy. I'm the first to admit I'm not the best husband.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis

She does not want to work. I've made that very clear. If she chooses to be a SAHM she can't complain about it (she doesn't complain about it at all for the record).

If being a SAHM is so frigging terribly hard why do any of you do it? All you seem to do is whinge and complain about how shit it is and how much easier it would be to work. So go and work. I hope to god no one is forcing you to be a SAHM.

My day starts between 4 and 5 most days and finishes around 10, then I get my time. Are you suggesting 9-5 would be a hardship?

I know that on MN people do work 9 to 5 and have a chicken that last a week. In real life, most people I know leave the house between 6 and 7, come home between 6 and 8 AND then have to do all the chores and take care of their kids.

So yes, staying home and having time to do all that would be a relief.

I understand that if you compare to people working part-time, it's hardly the same.

I am on the train right now, I haven't even made it home yet. I still have to deal with everything when I got home, so yes, being a SAH parent would be easier.

Being a SAHM is definitely not easy but both working full time is a shit load harder

As you do the same PLUS a full working day, I can't disagree with that!

If being a SAHM is so frigging terribly hard why do any of you do it? All you seem to do is whinge and complain about how shit it is and how much easier it would be to work. So go and work. I hope to god no one is forcing you to be a SAHM.

You don’t need couple’s therapy. You need individual therapy. You have a lot of anger and you need to deal with it, not make it your wife’s problem because you are so bitter about the division of labour you think is the best thing for your children.

I agree with you. You'd discussed it and she usually does the childcare at that time of day. Making it her responsibility to sort out.

@herculepoirot2

Its not about division of labour. I work very hard, much harder than I'd like to, in a job which isn't a career, that I don't particularly want to do. She gets to spend all day with our 3yo and significant amount of time with our 6yo relative to me.

All of that is absolutely fine with me because ultimately that's better than us both working a "9/5" job which any normal person will tell you means 8/6 at least and the kids being brought up by child minders.

My wife absolutely has a responsibility to do all the child related admin and other such things. She has an obligation to do the kids home work and to make sure their clothes are clean. She absolutely does not have an obligation to cook me dinner or wash my clothes or want the house (see earlier comment regarding having a cleaner). If she wants to go out to work full time so I can have a local job and work "9/5" ill happily wash the kids clothes, do their homework and everything else around the house. But clearly that's not the situation so shut the fuck up.

But also , can I ask why, at such a time as this, you’re focusing on what tasks should / should not come under the role of a SAHM?

I don’t think there is any fixed answer to his. How long is a piece of string? You’ve said repeatedly that you feel she contributes sufficiently to your family, so I guess that’s your answer? Yes she should have booked the nursery, but she obviously forgot which is hardly surprising with everything that’s going on between you two.

Why does it matter to you now about the SAHM role? The fact your asking does suggest some resentment? It’s hard to answer that question because every family is different - for instance, my DH isn’t controlling in the least about money. He would never give me a set amount or add up what I spend on what. He would never worry what I’m doing or not doing while the DC are at school. On the other hand, he does no housework, no cooking for himself, nothing like that and I don’t expect or need him to. This is partly cultural -ish differences. I do all the child-related admin for 3 DC. I have a cleaner, but I do all laundry and keep on top of the house; sort his wardrobes even; whatever I see needs doing. He will do admin such as mortgages, banking, cars, shares, investments, school fees, all that kind of stuff because he’s very financially-minded and self-employed so our finances are more complicated than most. But I trust him to get on with it and vice versa. I don’t ask him to do anything when he’s home. If he’s working in the evenings or weekends, I let him get on with it. If he has time to spend with the kids, then great. He has a lot of hobbies too which I don’t try and limit - eg. hes going on s 3-day bike trip tomorrow. But I’ll just chill then and order Deliveroo. He travels a lot with work too. He’s a workaholic tbh and you can’t chsnge them, but I just accept him for what he is, good and bad, and am honest that there are benefits ie. my lifestyle and the fact I can focus on my family without the distraction of a job on top of everything. So this is how we get balance, but obviously others would not be happy with this and you have to find your own balance really.

But clearly that's not the situation so shut the fuck up.

All coming out now, isn’t it? Is this how you speak to your wife?

No need to get angry against MN posters who are just here to wind you up, twist your posts and pretend they don't understand what you are saying.

They find it entertaining, so don't take it personally or seriously.

MorondelaFrontera

Oh I understand exactly what he is saying. I don’t think I need to twist his posts. They’re very clear.

so shut the fuck up.

Personal attacks are not allowed on here. I won't report you because I'd rather that gem stood.

ill happily wash the kids clothes, do their homework and everything else around the house.

Doubtful you'd "happily" do anything. It would still be her job, because "her".

But clearly that's not the situation so shut the fuck up.

You want to kiss your wife with that mouth? And you're surprised she's not keen? Blerg, mate. Grim.

MrsTerryPratchett

Thank you. Me too.

Personal attacks are not allowed on here.

Are we on the same forum?!?!

I think you refuse to instigate a divorce because you don’t want to take any ‘blame’ you want her to look like the bad guy whilst painting yourself whiter than white

She broke the familly etc etc

@Safiya7

You sound very level headed and appreciative of what you've got.

I am most interested because I'm having so much thrown in my face recently from her about everything I'm doing (and let's face it a lot of her points are totally valid) but I genuinely felt put out by her disbelief that arranging this additional half day nursery was really her "job". I know thats a contentious word but I'm going to use it for the sake of this argument. I let so many things slip by and never raise them, but this one really irked me.

You raised an interestinf point about money, the money I said is something we've done for years, even pre children as our salaries were so disparant that it made sense to work out our contributions based on what we had left rathe than what we had to start with. Ie even so I earned 100% more than her we both has equal spending money. This was back when we were is a much less wealthy financial situation, but the idea has simply carried on. Of she wants to go spend 500 quid on something she's more than welcome to and I'd never have anything negative to say about it. For example when she goes on her girls holiday she takes money from our savings etc. The 400 I mentioned, is literally day to day monthly disposable spending.

A key reason we do this is because we're heavy savers and prefer to budget 100% thus having a set amount to spend means we can save more for nice holidays or those adhoc random purchases.

If being a SAHM is so frigging terribly hard why do any of you do it?
Because it’s best for my family . Since when does something being “hard” mean you don’t do it???

All you seem to do is whinge and complain about how shit it is and how much easier it would be to work. Nope. I didn’t say it was “shit” or “winge”, I said it was harder than going out to work.

So go and work. I hope to god no one is forcing you to be a SAHM.. Nope. People do hard things all the time without being forced to do so. Do you characterise your wife as “wingeing” when she tells you anything she does is hard? You sound a hard person to share parenting with if that’s the case. Have you ever looked after the children 24/7 for more than a couple of hours/days?

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis

Thats exactly my point. We all do things for the better good. I go away to work and miss my kids growing up for the agreed better good of my wife being able to be a SAHM. My wife is a SAHM because she wants to be there for the kids.

There are far too many people on here who want to claim being a SAHM is so much harder than working. That may be true, but is is so much worse or so much better. I'd guarantee everyone would say better so the fact its harder is absolutely irrelevant. So then to complain that it's easier to go to work is a fallacy because you don't do it because it's easier or harder you do it because it's better.

@GreenTulips

Oh I'm absolutely to blame for parts of our marriage failing, I would never ever say otherwise. But she's the one who doesn't want to try to work though out problems, or love forward with a customer for divorce.

Didn't take long for the mask to slip, can't see why she'd want to divorce you...

@herculepoirot2

Okay I shouldn't have sworn at you, but seriously, you're twisting everything. This thread has been clear that I view my wife's contribution as significant. The issue was a very small attribute of being a SAHM. I think a lot of women here have an awful lot of pent up anger that they aren't appreciated enough for being a SAHM and can't take a man questioning it.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

Evidently not been reading the thread.... She doesn't want to!

OP, I disagree with you (to some extent) about 'parenting'. I think that's mostly done by the parent who spends most of their time with their DC (though it's very helpful if both parents have similar views about the things that really matter). However, I completely agree that organising childcare is the job of a SAHM. I was one for 15 years, and anything to do with the DC was my job. I was bloody grateful that I was in a position where I didn't have to go out to work, and that I could devote myself entirely to the DC and their needs. I also washed DH's clothes, ironed his shirts etc, because I thought that was part of my job, too. His only job, apart from the tiny matter of going out to work to support us all, was to put the bins out. SAHM-ing has its down-sides but, more than that, it's a great privilege.

Okay I shouldn't have sworn at you, but seriously, you're twisting everything. This thread has been clear that I view my wife's contribution as significant. The issue was a very small attribute of being a SAHM. I think a lot of women here have an awful lot of pent up anger that they aren't appreciated enough for being a SAHM and can't take a man questioning it.

Oh, no, I am appreciated. My husband is a treasure and doesn’t take me to task over trivia, or tell me to shut the fuck up. In fact I’m sure he would cut out his tongue before speaking to me like that.