AIBU to expect SAHM (my wife) to organise child care

[ustbxh]

My wife is a STHM by choice. I fully support this decision, but would equally fully support her going to to work, anywhere from part to full time if she wished.

Were going through a very rough time, but this issue isn't new, however emotions are maybe more upfront than they previously have been.

We are going on holiday this week (without the kids 3&6yo) and she was supposed to have arenwged nursery for the youngest however she had not done so in time and they are fully booked.

She has now complained that I could have done it and that it isn't "her job". I disagree with that statement as I feel its equivalent of me expecting her to arrange things in my work, but I am wondering if IABU.

Yes they are our kids, but it's like like me claiming my job is our job because its our only source of income, yet I have sole responsibility for that.

I'd love to hear some SAHM's opinions on this.

It was her job, both because daytime childcare is her job within the team, and because you had arranged between yourselves that she would do it.

She forgot, she messed up.

I'm utterly baffled at all the people agreeing that it's 'her job'. She's a SAHM - her job is to look after the children during the hours that the other parent isn't there. It doesn't mean that all things child related are her responsibility or that the children always fall under her remit. The children are yours and hers and the decision should have been discussed beforehand as to who was going to arrange the nursery stuff (still not really understanding the holiday/nursery thing though - the nursery presumably doesn't have them overnight??).
Does your partner also have to do ALL the housework and ALL the cooking because she's a SAHM? Sounds like something from the 1950s if you ask me.

I'm utterly baffled at all the people agreeing that it's 'her job'.

why? When DH was at home whilst I was working full time, I expected him to deal with these kind of things, he could - being at home - , I couldn't -being at work_
I can't understand what the big deal is. You are a team, you share the tasks, if one doesn't go to work whilst the other is full time, then of course s/he takes on more at home.

I might be from the 50s, but I would not have been too happy if I had been expected to clean the house and make diner when I was coming back from work whilst DH had been home all day (and not ill in bed or with obvious very good reasons).

It's not a gender issue, it's a shared tasks fairly issue.

Christ. No wonder she's separated from you. You're insufferable. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go on holiday with a sexist, misogynistic, self-inflated, pompous twit like you. I hope for her sake she files for divorce. She must breathe a sigh of relief when you leave for your oh-so-important-because-you-get-paid-a-salary job.

Morondela, do you really not understand that for some parents, taking care of their children is more difficult than a demanding job? Is it really so difficult to understand that others might have different experiences to you?

Someone helped me take my twins to a group at specialist school today. The group was 1.5 hours. She has a very challenging job working with children with severe disabilities. Afterwards she said to me that she was absolutely exhausted and has no idea how I manage on my own every day.

Honestly, looking after some kids is harder than many jobs. And if DH bitched that I hadn’t cleaned or cooked or booked time at nursery or implied I’d been “relaxing at home”, after he’s sat on his arse all writing code and looking at Twitter, he’d be told to get fucked.

It's a bit sad if you consider them to be such a hardship though, but probably moan about the cost of childcare.
Not a hardship but I’d be lying if I said it was harder work to be employed. I have a larger than average family and my husband often works away from home Monday to Friday. One of my children has additional needs and is home 24/7. My day starts between 4 and 5 most days and finishes around 10, then I get my time. Are you suggesting 9-5 would be a hardship?

Even when I had two meet little low maintenance children I wouldn’t have said it was particularly low stress/easy.

I think you've worded this wrongly as a SAHM parent isn't a job, you are suggesting that parenting and all the responsibilities that come with it and the mental load is her 'job', it isn't, it's both yours.

She probably got defensive saying you could have done it, yes you could have, as a parent. However, in this case, as she probably goes there more than you and has more time, and agreed to do it, she should have done it.

Sounds like your wife has a great life, SAHM, gym, childcare from your parents, £400 a month to spend on herself? I'm totally bloody envious.

I am the SAHM parent who also has three jobs to fit around the children and school pick ups. I do everything and work and have £40 disposable a month if I'm lucky.

What will she do when you split up? !

“Splurge” 😂

@Safiya7

General clothes yes, if a specific event like Christian or wedding etc no. Makeup generally yes. Toiletries no, haircuts yes generally.

Just to put it into perspective, I get 250/month for all the same things.

@DtPeabodysLoosePants

I think you're the sexist twit. My job is very unimportant. I don't particularly like it, I absolutely hate being away from my family, it's a job and not a career. I have no interest in it beyond it paying the bills. I'd love my wife to go to work full time and allow me to work nearer home but we've discussed it many times and always decided it's best for the kids to have a SAHM vs two parents who work 40+ hours a week. (which is what would be required).

And for what it's worth I've been actively trying to get her to file for divorce but she won't. She is too content in her separated but not really separated life right now

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis

Youre assuming that not being a SAHM means you only have responsibilities 9/5. You still have exactly the same shit to do just a full time job as well. Being a SAHM is definitely not easy but both working full time is a shit load harder

So why don't you file for divorce?

@DtPeabodysLoosePants

Because I'd much rather go to marriage therapy and work through our many issues and then decide, however at the moment she's refusing to. I'm not going to throw away 16 years of my life because we're going through a rough time, if she wants to I can't stop her and if it's what she genuinely wants I'll willingly support us both through that process, but I'm not going to actually instigate it.

I think you’re getting a hard time op but the sahm v working parent always gets a bit weird on mumsnet in my experience. I don’t really understand the people who don’t view full time parenting as a job. Otherwise what is your wife’s purpose? What’s her role / how would she describe what she does in life 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I work again now but when the children were younger and someone asked me ‘what do you do’ I said I take care of my children.

OP hasn’t mentioned his working hours, if he works 9-5 Monday to Friday and that don’t even include travelling - which means the chances of him doing the school/nursery run is slim, so when would he have chance to arrange the childcare? When his wife is the one doing pick up/drop off, having contact with the nursery staff

So your wife was the one to say she wants the divorce? But all she’s actually fine at this stage is move into a separate bedroom?

What is her thinking around the point of this holiday?

Excuse me for saying, this is all quite odd?

Regardless of what she wants, do you actually want a divorce? Or are you just tired of living in limbo so are pushing for the inevitable!

Why does she want a divorce? She must have given you a clue.

Sorry OP, x post.

Well your wife has to go to marriage counselling because this is ridiculous. Apart from anything else, it’s not fair in the DC. Tell her that. They will pick up on the vibe. Just book it and tell her she’s going,

@TeddybearBaby

Thank you.

It's interesting because I view my wife as the primary care giver for our 3yo (and to a lesser extent our 6yo), but I don't see her as the primary parent. We parent equally. Parenting is about raising a child correctly and everything else. Just like I'd never suggest my 3yo nursery teachers parent him or my 6yo teacher parents him.

This thread is specifically about the Admin side of SAHM and nothing to do with parenting.

I speak to my 6yo most days when I'm away and we often do his spellings etc over video call.

From what I can gather from this thread, SAHM expect to be treated like they have a 24/7/365 job, but not expected to do anything which doesn't involve touching a child!

I don't care if my wife financially contributes or not, however if she doesn't there has to be a non financial contribution, which in our family there absolutely is.

Yet again, the thread comes back to the original question of what's reasonable to expect of a SAHM.

@Safiya7

But all she’s actually fine at this stage is move into a separate bedroom?

Yes. That is it.

What is her thinking around the point of this holiday?
It was wedding anniversary, we have tickets to see someone she likes. Hate to say it but maybe purely materialistic. She was adamant she wasn't coming until 2 weeks ago. For what it's worth we're having a pretty pleasant time, but nothing remotely "couple" like.

Excuse me for saying, this is all quite odd
Glad I'm not the only one to think this. She thinks it's perfectly normal in the process of "separation"

Regardless of what she wants, do you actually want a divorce? Or are you just tired of living in limbo so are pushing for the inevitable!

Absolutely don't want a divorce. I firmly believe we're just going through a crap time and will / can sort it out. She refusing to talk about thr future and I'm worries about being stuck in limbo where she has the best of both worlds of not being in a relationship but not having the hardships of divorce. Thus I guess I'm testing the waters with pushing for divorce.

Why does she want a divorce? She must have given you a clue.

As a lot of people here have rightly said, my attitude is rather shit. Hard to know if that's cause or affect, things went significantly downhill after number 2 baby, and she didn't take to mothering him like she did with number one. Which I totally understand, becomes much more of a chore and less of thr fun as its the 2nd time round and you have expectations which are likely wrong.

Just book it and tell her she’s going,

Tried that, got accused of controlling her life and it all being about what I want.

@B3ck89

I usually work away during the week, often leaving the house at 4am Monday or late afternoon Sunday and arriving home very late Fri night. However, there are weeks when I'm at home all week, on those weeks I take kids to school, I do all the cooking and I'll usually do lunch for our 3yo, ill often look after him during the day for the odd hour here or there. I often finish early / start late so she can go to the gym etc.

Well you can’t say something as dramatic as wanting a divorce, but then stall and carry in as if nothing is happening, but refuse to go to counselling!
Is she ok in regards to mental health, do you think?
Maybe give her an ultimatum, Counselling or the house goes on the market?
Sounds like she’s scared of being alone?

Yet again, the thread comes back to the original question of what's reasonable to expect of a SAHM.

What about what is reasonable to expect from a husband? Little things like not having a “shit” attitude, or not treating her like an employee?

@Safiya7

Maybe give her an ultimatum, Counselling or the house goes on the market?

I got accused of threatening to damage our children's mental health by putting the house on the market. She wants to stay in it (read my other threads for the gory details)!

Is she ok in regards to mental health, do you think?

No, not at all, I want her to see someone or even acknowledge there are issues. There's lots of childhood issues there but she won't seek any help.

Being a SAHM is definitely not easy but both working full time is a shit load harder
Nope.